How to Make Friends and Influence People

Making friends and influencing others isn't just a topic from a self-help book. It's a goal many of us strive for, requiring persistence, practice, and strong character. Follow these steps to create the best opportunities for yourself to achieve this.

Dress neatly. Think about the clothes you wear. People choose outfits to create an image that others can immediately recognize, whether it's a zombie, firefighter, or bride. The truth is, every outfit you wear daily is a costume—even your everyday clothes. They tell others a lot about you. Use your clothing to build an image that shows you possess the qualities others look for in a friend: confidence, cheerfulness, and stability.

• Generally, this means choosing clean, well-fitted clothes with colors and patterns that complement each other. It shows others that you care enough about yourself to maintain your appearance, that you're responsible enough to keep a suitable look, and confident enough not to hide yourself.

Maintaining Personal Hygiene. At a handshake distance or closer, the distinction between good and poor hygiene becomes quite evident. To connect with others, you'll need to get this close, so ensure your body is as clean and well-groomed as the clothes you wear. Shower daily, wash your hair three to five times a week, brush your teeth at least twice daily, and floss at least once a day. Wash your face, comb your hair, and apply deodorant every morning. Pay attention to long-term grooming, such as trimming your nails, and for men, maintaining facial hair by shaving or trimming it neatly.

• Women may choose to shave underarm and leg hair based on preference, but remember that some view unshaven areas as a sign of low self-esteem and discipline. To appeal to a broader audience, it's best to keep these areas clean-shaven.

Hair Care. Regardless of your hair length, regularly visit a trusted salon for trims, thinning, or shaping. Ensure your hair always looks neat and appropriate, even if you don’t style it often at home.

Maintaining Your Property. Specifically, your home and vehicle (if you own one) are the most important assets to care for. You never know when guests might visit or who might notice your bicycle, motorcycle, or car. Additionally, keeping your living environment tidy enhances your overall well-being.

• Wash your car monthly, remove dust from seats and floors, and schedule regular maintenance for oil changes and tire rotations. Clean your bicycle monthly or more often if it gets muddy, and have it serviced at least twice a year.
• Keep your home as organized as possible. Wash dishes and clean the kitchen daily to prevent dirt buildup. Launder clothes frequently, fold them, and put them away promptly. If you have a yard, regularly clear debris and maintain clean pathways and driveways.

Mastering Body Language. This is often emphasized because it’s true: body language is a powerful communication tool. It’s hard to fake and reveals much about your emotional state. Observing others’ body language during conversations can tell you more than their words. That’s why you should use your body language to convey what others want to know about you.

• Body language is complex and context-dependent. Similar gestures or postures can mean different things depending on the person, situation, or timing. Instead of decoding others’ body language, focus on making your own more recognizable. Control what you can and let go of the rest.
• Move confidently and decisively. This doesn’t mean rushing or being forceful; it means every movement should exude self-assurance. When shaking hands, do so firmly—many people notice this. Walk at your own pace, neither hesitantly nor slouched. Let your arms swing naturally.
• Pay attention to posture. While often repeated by teachers worldwide, proper posture is crucial. Slightly arch your back to avoid slouching. Align your neck with your spine, and avoid jutting your chin forward. Good posture not only conveys confidence but also improves breathing and reduces chronic back pain.
• Use your face to your advantage. If eyes are the windows to the soul, your face is the doorway. Smile genuinely, maintain eye contact (especially when others speak), and let your expressions reflect sincerity and empathy. People are drawn to those who smile and laugh more than those who appear distant or stern.

Maintain your vitality. Even a frail body can radiate an aura of health if its owner continuously strives to invigorate it. Regular exercise and moderate eating are key. If establishing a routine is challenging, remember that a little effort is better than none. Just a few minutes of exercise after waking up or finishing work can help maintain your posture, control body language, and boost energy levels.

Master classical rhetoric. Many excel at public speaking, but few leave a lasting impression like Aristotle, the ancient Greek philosopher. His approach to rhetoric, documented over 2000 years ago, remains a valuable framework for maximizing the persuasiveness of your message. Aristotle divided persuasive arguments into three key elements. By harmonizing these, you can craft compelling appeals or arguments.

• Be logical. Logic involves clarity, organization, and internal consistency in your message. A logical speech cannot be twisted to mean something other than what you intended. Any attempt by an opponent to do so only makes them appear foolish.
• Use ethos to build credibility and trust. Ethos is the moral foundation of your argument, reflecting your tone, style, and personal character (and reputation, if you're fortunate). A speech with strong ethos leaves no doubt about its persuasiveness, reinforcing that you know and believe in your message.
• Engage emotions to connect with your audience. Pathos, the emotional aspect of your argument, links to the personal lives, experiences, emotions, and imagination of your listeners. By evoking empathy, a speech rich in pathos makes your topic resonate deeply with the audience, encouraging them to emotionally engage with your message.

Practice active listening techniques. Nothing makes people like you faster than being a good listener, but it’s not just about sitting quietly and watching someone’s lips move. Becoming an active listener means using specific techniques to show genuine interest in the speaker. With practice, these methods will naturally integrate into your communication skills.

• When the speaker pauses, even mid-sentence, acknowledge them with a small sound like “uh-huh” or “mm-hmm.” However, don’t overdo it, or you’ll seem impatient. Use this sparingly, perhaps once every few sentences.
• Don’t hesitate to ask questions that encourage the speaker to elaborate. Avoid interrupting mid-sentence, but if you must, do it as politely as possible. This shows you’re engaged and eager to learn more.
• Use neutral affirmations. If you’re unsure how to respond or whether to agree, mirror the speaker’s emotional tone. For example, if they seem skeptical, you might say, “Wow, that’s hard to believe,” to connect without taking sides.
• At the end of the conversation, reflect on the speaker’s thoughts or feelings. People appreciate having their ideas summarized.
• Summarize the conversation and share it with the speaker. This shows you’ve listened and understood, making them feel valued. For instance, if someone tells you about their cat’s vet visit, you might say, “So your cat had (medical issue)? At least you got it to the vet in time. That’s really (add your opinion).”
• Share personal anecdotes sparingly. While showing empathy is important, overdoing it can make you seem self-centered. Use stories moderately to connect without dominating the conversation.

Speak clearly. Many assume their voice is fixed, but that’s not the case. While you can’t change your voice from soprano to baritone, you can work on controlling its pitch and clarity.

• Practice voice control through singing. Singing loudly is an excellent way to train your voice. You don’t need an audience—sing in the car or while doing chores. Over time, you’ll gain better control over your vocal output through repetition.
• Use a soft, clear, and low-pitched tone. This doesn’t mean forcing your voice lower; imagine a large space behind your mouth and throat, and project your voice to fill it. Avoid nasal tones or sounding like you’re straining. Clear, articulate speech makes you sound more intellectual and pleasant to listen to.
• Vary your volume. You don’t need to shout, but don’t whisper either. Avoid muffling your voice, as it makes you hard to understand and can make you seem unsure of yourself.

Using endearing language. Just because others understand the words you use doesn't mean they grasp your intentions. For those who've argued with relatives or partners over misunderstandings, there are effective and ineffective ways to convey your thoughts. By learning a few psychological language tricks, you can present your ideas in a manner that not only prevents the listener from feeling upset or threatened but also makes them genuinely like you more. Using 'I' statements helps you take full responsibility. During a dispute, instead of blaming the other person for making you feel or act a certain way, say, 'When you (say/do/anything else) that, I feel...'. While it may seem silly when written down, it works in real arguments because it avoids adding fuel to the fire. For example, instead of saying, 'When you say that, you make me feel very sad,' say, 'When you say that, I feel very angry.' You can use this method in almost any disagreement: 'I feel that you...', 'I feel (your emotion) when you...', etc. Using 'we' statements makes the other person feel included and relevant. When discussing opportunities, events, or teamwork, use 'we' to strengthen loyalty among members and express your loyalty to superiors in social or professional relationships. For instance, instead of asking someone, 'Do you want to hang out with me this weekend?' say, 'We should hang out this weekend!' This approach makes the other person feel equal to you and gives them the power to decide on the opportunity you present. Empowering others is a sure way to gain power for yourself, as they will be willing to sacrifice for you in the future to repay the favor if they remember the positive and empowering interactions they had with you in the past.

Harmonizing with those around you. Stage hypnotists and street performers use this technique to create drama by pretending to 'magically' change someone's mind or slightly break the rules. In principle, this technique isn't too difficult, but it requires practice to master. Start by 'blending' into the conversation and asking simple questions for the other person to elaborate on. When using your active listening skills, pay special attention to their tone, unconscious filler words (like 'uh' and 'um'), and sentence structure. When you respond and continue asking questions about what you want to know, speak more, but remember to notice the filler words and patterns in the other person's speech. You can also mimic their tone, but don't make yourself look like you're mocking them. Mimicking the way the other person talks makes them feel comfortable and subtly shows them that you're someone they can trust because you appreciate them in a way that's hard to explain. Whenever you notice something in the other person's body language, try to sync with it. Does he shift his weight from one foot to the other? Does she tap a finger, or her whole hand, while waiting for the computer to load data? You can perform 'matching' actions to form a stronger empathetic bond.

Showcase your admirable traits. Supportiveness, kindness, enthusiasm, boldness, and reliability are essential qualities you should demonstrate. These are attributes people often seek in others, and they make you someone others trust and listen to. They stem from sincerity and dedication in your character, which are hard to fake. However, with focus, you can train yourself to display these traits more frequently and freely than before.

• Affirm yourself daily. It might sound silly, but self-affirmation can be beneficial. Reflect on the positive qualities you wish to embody and say them aloud to yourself a few times. Tell yourself you possess these traits: 'I am kind,' 'I am enthusiastic,' etc.
• Seek opportunities to reveal the best in you. Often, due to personal discomfort in situations, we opt for less bold choices to avoid attention. Combat this by reminding yourself to watch for moments when you’re about to act carelessly or rudely. When you realize you’re about to be that unhappy and dull person, push yourself to become someone others want to be around. Even if it doesn’t change the situation, it’s a great way to train your mindset. Gradually, you’ll master it.