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Are you unsure how to handle a partner with an avoidant attachment style? Whether they exhibit dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant behaviors, you may feel frustrated or hurt by their consistent need for space. However, by providing them with empathy and clear boundaries, you can help both them and your relationship become more stable. This guide offers insight into effectively dealing with avoidant attachment styles.
Steps
Identify the characteristics of an avoidant attachment style.
Understanding your partner’s attachment style can shed light on their reactions. Attachment theory suggests that our attachment styles are shaped by early childhood experiences. If your partner was unable to trust their caregiver, they may struggle with reliance on others as adults. Signs your partner may have an avoidant attachment style include:
- Pulling away when you try to get closer
- Labeling you as overly dependent
- Preferring casual relationships over deep connections
- Having difficulty sharing emotions
- Thinking thoughts like, “I only need myself.”
Validate their emotional experience.
Expressing your understanding of their feelings helps to build trust. An avoidant partner might feel guilty for not being able to give you the attention and support you desire. By reassuring them that you understand their feelings, you help them feel more comfortable with you, which can foster a greater sense of security in the relationship and reduce some of their avoidant traits. You might say something like:
- “I know that your independence is important to you, and I won’t pressure you into making any commitments before you’re ready.”
- “I understand that you need your own space, and I just want you to know that I’m here when you feel like spending more time together.”
- “I realize that this relationship can be overwhelming for you. I understand how you feel, but I still care deeply for you and am grateful you’re in my life.”
Honor their need for personal space.
For your partner, personal space is vital for their sense of security. People with avoidant attachment styles require space in order to feel safe and independent. While it may be difficult to accept, for your partner, the ability to rely on themselves is a key component of being able to manage a relationship.
- When your partner needs time for themselves, try to avoid overwhelming them with constant texts or calls, as this can make them feel trapped.
- Your partner might also appreciate you allowing them space to recharge. You could say something like, “I enjoy spending time with you and would love to keep hanging out, but if you need to go home, I understand.”
Support them when they show vulnerability.
Positive reinforcement helps your partner feel validated in their progress. When an avoidant person hears that their attempts to be more present are appreciated, they’re more likely to keep making those efforts in the future. You can offer positive reinforcement with phrases like:
- “I know you value your alone time, but it really means a lot to me that you came today.”
- “Thank you for joining me for dinner. Spending time with you brings me so much joy.”
- “I appreciate you opening up to me. It’s incredibly important to me that you feel comfortable doing so.”
Be a dependable source of support.
Show your partner that they don’t have to handle everything alone. By being present and available when they need you, you demonstrate that you’re someone they can trust. As they begin to recognize that they can depend on you, they may gradually shift from an avoidant attachment style to a more secure one. Consider doing things like:
- Listening to your partner when they’re stressed or anxious, and offering reassurance that you care about them.
- Consistently helping with tasks such as driving, home repairs, or running errands.
- Noticing when your partner is struggling with something at work or school and following through with your offer of assistance.
Engage in intimacy-building activities.
Simple exercises can create a stronger sense of security for your partner. Research has shown that activities like partner yoga can enhance feelings of safety in those with avoidant attachment styles. Asking intimate, reflective questions is another way to foster closeness in the relationship. Consider asking your partner questions like these and be sure to answer them yourself:
- “What does friendship mean to you?”
- “What is your most cherished memory?”
- “What is your most painful memory?”
- “When was the last time you cried?”
- “If your house were to burn down and everyone inside was safe, what would be the one item you would save from the fire?”
Use considerate language.
Respectful communication makes your partner feel secure. When speaking with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, avoid blaming them or using harsh language. Their initial reaction may often be to withdraw, which could harm your relationship. Instead, try using “I-statements” such as:
- Instead of saying, “You’re selfish,” try, “I feel like my needs aren’t always being met.”
- Instead of saying, “You don’t care about me,” try, “I feel like I would like to be a bigger priority in your life.”
- Instead of saying, “You’re treating me badly,” try, “I feel hurt when you cancel plans at the last minute.”
Find reasonable compromises.
Accepting each other’s limits is key for a strong relationship. Unlike those with an anxious attachment style, avoidant partners don’t expect perfection. They know that successful relationships are built on compromise, and working through these compromises strengthens the bond. You might suggest compromises like:
- “I understand you prefer not to spend time together every day. How about we meet up twice a week instead?”
- “I know it’s hard for you to open up about your stress. How about we do something you enjoy first and then talk about what’s on your mind later?”
- “I know you like taking solo trips on weekends. What if we spend every other weekend together so you can still have personal time?”
Establish healthy boundaries.
Make your partner aware of their responsibilities in the relationship. Every relationship requires each person to contribute to their partner's needs, and this applies to relationships with avoidant partners as well. You don’t need to accept disrespect, and setting clear boundaries can prevent issues from arising. You could say something like:
- “I understand you need space, but calling me clingy or needy really hurts. I would appreciate it if you could speak to me with more respect.”
- “When plans are canceled, I would prefer if you could inform me at least 3 hours ahead of time, unless there’s an emergency. Please respect my time.”
- “If you choose to go out of contact, please inform me that it’s just time for yourself. I won’t pressure you for an immediate response, but I do not like being left wondering.”
Foster your own independent hobbies and passions.
Independence is essential for a healthy relationship. Pursuing your own interests, hobbies, and goals independently can help you manage the emotional distance that might come from an avoidant partner who may not always be available. By focusing on your personal growth, you can enjoy your partner’s company without relying on it for your happiness or stability.
- Independent interests don’t mean being alone. If you have close friends or family, you can nurture those relationships instead of relying only on your partner for emotional fulfillment.
Work on managing your own anxieties.
Avoid placing responsibility for your emotions on your avoidant partner. For individuals with an avoidant attachment style, it’s easy to feel emotionally burdened. It’s important to distinguish when your avoidant partner isn’t fulfilling their emotional responsibilities versus when your own anxieties are taking over.
- Understand that avoidant individuals often struggle to process emotions deeply.
- They tend to suppress their emotions and those of others.
- They may have learned this coping mechanism from their upbringing.
- Even though it’s challenging not to rely on your avoidant partner for emotional support, remember there are other support systems available until your partner feels more secure.
- If you’re feeling anxious, try reaching out to a trusted friend who can offer a fresh perspective on your relationship.
- Talking to a therapist can be a helpful way to feel more confident in your relationship. If you identify with an anxious attachment style, a therapist can guide you in understanding your feelings before addressing them with your partner.
Encourage your partner to seek professional help.
It’s possible to overcome an avoidant attachment style with the right support. Suggest to your partner that they consult with a therapist who specializes in attachment theory. A professional can offer valuable advice on how they can shift their attachment style toward a more secure one.
- If therapy is not a viable option, encourage your partner to read up on their attachment style. Understanding their tendencies can be an important first step in overcoming their avoidant behaviors.
How can you manage a relationship with a partner who has an avoidant attachment style?
Join the conversation...
Recently, my partner and I have been becoming more serious about our relationship, and things have been going well. However, their therapist mentioned that they have an avoidant attachment style and asked me if I noticed any of the signs. This was actually the first time I had ever heard of it, so I wasn't sure how to respond. Is it a positive or negative thing? What should I be paying attention to as we move forward?
Leslie Bosch, PhD
Developmental Psychologist
Developmental Psychologist
People with an avoidant attachment style often work to suppress their own emotions as well as those of others. This lack of emotional awareness comes largely from the way they were raised. It’s not necessarily a conscious choice; it’s something they learned by observing their parents’ behaviors, which they assumed were the correct way to act.
For individuals with a fearful avoidant style, their internal dialogue may include thoughts like, "I’m not capable," "others are unreliable," and "the world is a dangerous place." As a result, they may struggle to find the support they need when they’re feeling vulnerable.
For individuals with a fearful avoidant style, their internal dialogue may include thoughts like, "I’m not capable," "others are unreliable," and "the world is a dangerous place." As a result, they may struggle to find the support they need when they’re feeling vulnerable.
Anonymous WikiOwl
Being in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style is like a nightmare. My 9-year-old girlfriend left me unexpectedly after what I thought was a great relationship. She didn’t provide any explanation—she just told me we were nothing more than a hookup and walked away. She was completely emotionless, almost robotic. It’s best to avoid people with this attachment style.
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