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Relationships go through various transformations over time, whether it's moving to a new place, starting a new job, spending time apart, tying the knot, or expanding your family. Although some of these changes can be challenging, it's important to remember that not all change is negative. By staying flexible and maintaining open communication, you and your partner can navigate these transitions successfully.
Steps
Adapting to Changes
Shift your perspective on change. Change doesn't have to bring negativity; in fact, many wonderful outcomes can arise from change. Instead of fearing the worst, consider the positive opportunities that change might bring.
- For instance, although moving can be tough, think about the excitement of embarking on a new journey together, discovering fresh surroundings, and meeting new people along the way.
Accept that your view of your partner might have shifted. If you feel as though your partner has suddenly changed (particularly for the worse), consider that your partner may have always had those traits, but now you're simply noticing them differently. Once the initial spark of the relationship fades, you might start seeing your partner through a different lens, and it may not always be easy to accept. Rather than immediately blaming your partner for these changes, reflect on how your perception might have evolved.
- If something your partner does is truly bothering you, try to understand that it's your own feelings of frustration that are affecting you, not your partner. Explore ways to manage those emotions, like learning to let go of small annoyances or practicing calming techniques like deep breathing.
Embrace each other’s differences. At times, one partner may develop a different outlook that could alter the dynamics of the relationship, like differing views on marriage or having children. Don’t take these differing opinions or beliefs personally. Disagreement doesn’t equate to attack, nor does it imply that one view is superior to the other. It simply means you’re not on the same page, and that’s perfectly acceptable.
- If certain topics tend to lead to unproductive conflict, it's okay to set boundaries and agree not to discuss them. Issues like politics or religion can spark intense disagreements with no clear resolution. Agree to respectfully avoid such discussions if they lead nowhere.
Take a break when emotions are running high. If a change is causing confusion or overwhelming emotions, step back from each other and from the argument. It's important to agree on the duration of the break and use that time to reflect on the issue. Simply stepping away won't solve everything on its own.
- You might just need a quick 15-minute break in separate rooms, or you could agree to take a few days apart, with a plan to meet again at a specific time and place to resume the conversation.
- Take the time to reflect on why the change is affecting you so deeply. Is it triggering certain fears or anxieties? Understanding what's truly upsetting you is the first step in finding peace.
- For example, if you previously agreed on having children and now disagree, take some time to explore why this issue feels so significant to you. Where do these strong feelings stem from? Consider journaling your thoughts to gain clarity.
Talking Through the Changes
Offer emotional support to one another. Adjusting to change can be challenging for both partners. Even when you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s important to support your partner. Let them know they matter to you and that you’re committed to the relationship. Show care, affection, and respect, and express yourself through meaningful words and actions.
- Say something like, “I know this is difficult, and I’m struggling too. But I want you to know how much I care about you, and I’m committed to making this work. I’m here for you.”
PRO TIP
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Marriage & Family Therapist
Collaborate with your partner to manage life's logistics. Openly communicate about your priorities and needs, and work together to create a schedule that balances both of your personal and emotional goals. Fulfilling relationships thrive on mutual support across all aspects of life.
Talk through the changes. Discuss how significant changes impact each of you individually and how they affect your relationship overall. Give your partner the space to fully express their feelings. These conversations might not be easy and could take several attempts, but open communication is crucial when major changes occur.
- Be candid about your emotions. Use “I statements” to express how you feel. For instance, you might say, “I feel nervous and uneasy about you starting night school. I worry I’ll see less of you, which makes me feel sad. But I’m also really proud of you and want you to pursue your passions.”
- Even when things are tough or disappointing, honesty with your partner will only strengthen the bond between you, assuming the relationship is built on trust and respect.
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 248 Mytour readers on how to turn disappointment into a positive outcome. 48% of them agreed that honest communication strengthens a relationship. [Take Poll]
Hear what your partner needs. While it’s natural to want to express your own thoughts, needs, and feelings as soon as change arises, it’s also important to take a step back and check in with your partner about their experience. Listen attentively and allow your partner to fully share their thoughts and emotions. Show your care by being an available listener.
- Enhance your listening by paraphrasing and repeating what your partner says. For instance, you might say, “I understand you’re saying this change is tough on you as well, but you feel it’s necessary to go through with it despite the difficulty.”
- Acknowledge your partner’s emotions. You could say, “I can tell talking about your father’s passing is really difficult for you, and I can see why you’re feeling down.”
- To further improve your listening skills, check out How to Be a Good Listener.
Keep your relationship at the forefront. When facing changes, remind yourself of how much you value your partner and the bond you share. How much are you willing to let these changes affect your relationship? For instance, if your partner gets a job far away, you might feel hurt or upset. Remember the importance of your relationship and respond in ways that show you are prioritizing it.
- If you're upset, ask yourself whether it’s fair to take out your frustration on your partner or if it’s better to keep things in perspective and focus on valuing the relationship.
Embrace flexibility and some uncertainty. Change often brings uncertainty, and it can be overwhelming to try and plan for every potential outcome. Instead of getting stuck in details, prepare as best as you can and then take a step back. Face challenges one by one, and stay flexible in your approach.
- For example, if you and your partner are facing time apart due to a job that requires travel, anticipate some challenges but don’t attempt to predict every single one in advance. Focus on solutions for the biggest challenges and adapt as new ones come up.
- For instance, you could plan for known difficulties, like child care, managing household tasks while the other is away, and communication. Having a plan for these elements can provide structure as you navigate the unknown.
Consider therapy. There may come a time when your relationship would benefit from professional guidance. A couples therapist can help you both improve communication and express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a constructive and meaningful way. During times of transition, therapy can be an invaluable resource for navigating challenges.
- Therapy can also help address emotional avoidance and dysfunctional patterns in your relationship.
Maintaining the Relationship During Times of Change
Show affection. Physical touch can provide both emotional and physical support. Stay connected with your partner through these times of change by holding hands, hugging, and demonstrating your desire to be close.
- Keep your intimate life active and prioritize making time for physical connection. It might not sound glamorous, but scheduling intimacy can help ensure you stay connected regularly.
Revisit familiar joys. If change is leaving you feeling uncertain, bring back an old, comforting activity that you both enjoyed in the past. Rekindle a sense of normalcy or nostalgia by revisiting something you used to do together.
- Maybe you used to watch “I Love Lucy” episodes when you were first dating. Invite your partner to revisit an episode or recreate a favorite date or enjoy a treat that brings back happy memories.
Explore something new. Discover a new activity that you both want to try together. Even when changes feel unsettling, trying something new can spark excitement and bring you closer emotionally.
- Go ice skating, try spelunking, or explore a new hobby like golf or painting. Whatever you choose, make sure it’s enjoyable for both of you.
Make time for regular date nights. Plan consistent time for just the two of you to reconnect. Having regular dates to look forward to gives you a chance to bond and enjoy each other's company. Keeping your dates steady creates a routine for emotional connection.
- Steer clear of serious topics like finances and instead focus on reminiscing about your early dating days, fond family memories, and other joyful times together.
Take a short getaway. If you feel overwhelmed by ongoing changes, take a break and spend quality time together, away from all the distractions. A weekend retreat can give you both the chance to relax, be affectionate, and simply enjoy each other's presence. It’s a great way to get away from stress, deadlines, and changes and just focus on being together.
- Escape the daily grind and find a peaceful place that encourages relaxation and connection with your partner.
