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Understanding and dealing with your crush
A crush can be an exciting feeling, and you should embrace it! However, when the person you're attracted to is of the same gender, it can bring up some anxiety. Does this indicate you're gay? Should you express your feelings? How might others react? No matter what answers you find, remember that your emotions are completely natural, and there's no shame in them. We'll guide you through understanding and handling these feelings, and help you decide whether to open up to your crush.
Key Points to Keep in Mind
- Take a moment to relax and recognize that your feelings are perfectly normal and healthy.
- Learn more about sexual orientation, and consider talking to someone you trust about your emotions.
- Spend time with your crush and observe how they feel about LGBTQ+ issues.
- If you're ready, share your feelings, knowing that you're valued and worthy of love, even if the response isn't what you'd hoped for.
Steps to Follow
Managing Your Emotions
Stay calm. It's common for people to develop feelings for someone of the same gender and feel overwhelmed. The first step is to take a deep breath and remind yourself that your emotions are completely normal. There's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do.
- Remember, having a crush on someone of the same gender doesn’t necessarily mean you're gay. Sexuality is complex and can't be defined by just one feeling or experience.
Explore sexual orientation. Sexual orientation isn't simply about being gay, bisexual, pansexual, straight, or queer. Rather than thinking of it as fixed categories, consider it as a spectrum, where you may find yourself anywhere along the way.
- For example, you might have a stronger attraction to girls but also feel a bit drawn to boys as well.
- Sexual orientation isn’t only about who you’re attracted to—it’s also about how you view yourself (as straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual, etc.), and how you act in relationships. It's possible to be attracted to both genders but identify as straight and only date one gender if that’s what feels right to you.
- How you perceive yourself and the relationships you choose to pursue are personal decisions, and there's no rush. You can take your time to figure it out, and it's perfectly fine to change how you identify at any point in the future. There's no need to label yourself if you're not comfortable with it.
Honor your feelings. No matter what you think about these questions now, respect your feelings. They're valid, and they're your truth. There are no rules for what you're allowed to feel.
- Some people may tell you that you're just going through a phase. They might be right, or they might not be, but ultimately, that’s for you to decide. Accept your feelings as they are now, and if they evolve over time, that’s completely okay too.
Talk to someone you trust. The emotions you're facing might feel heavy, but you don’t have to carry them alone unless you choose to. When you're ready, find someone you care about and trust to share what you're going through.
- Having support can make tough emotions and decisions feel easier. Look for someone who understands and accepts you, and who you feel safe confiding in.
- Only talk to others when you feel comfortable doing so. There's no pressure to open up until you feel ready.
Expressing Your Emotions
Spend time with your crush. If you don't know your crush very well yet, now is the perfect time to get to know them better. Spending more time around them will help you feel more comfortable, which is important if you decide to open up about your feelings.
- Spending time together may also help you sort through your emotions. You might realize that your feelings are more platonic than romantic, or perhaps your crush will fade. On the other hand, your feelings might deepen.
- During this period, don't treat it as a date or anything special—just enjoy hanging out with them like you would with any other friend.
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Discover how your crush feels about the LGBTQ community. Once you feel at ease, ask your crush some questions to gauge their attitude toward the LGBTQ community or individuals who identify as gay. Find a time when you're both alone and casually ask a few questions to get an idea of their perspective.
- You don't have to directly ask, "How do you feel about LGBTQ people?" or "Are you gay?" Instead, you could be more indirect. Questions like, "What would you do if a [gender] kissed you?" or "Have you ever had a crush on someone? Who were they? Have you ever liked someone of the same gender?" can give you some insight.
- If your crush reacts negatively to these questions, don’t press further. Not everyone is open to same-gender attraction, and if they aren’t, it’s time to move on. Proceed to the final step.
Try flirting a little. If you sense that your crush might share your feelings, try being a little flirty. Don’t go overboard, but a subtle hint of flirtation can help you figure out if your crush might feel the same way.
- For example, when you're alone together, make brief eye contact while chatting, and lean in slightly. Observe how your crush responds. If they maintain eye contact and don’t pull away, it could be a positive sign.
Express your feelings if you feel it's the right time. If you're confident that your crush is open-minded about LGBTQ individuals, you may want to share your feelings with them. This decision is deeply personal, and only you can decide when or if it’s the right moment.
- Be cautious before making this move. If you’ve received any signs that your crush might not be accepting, it’s better not to say anything. Someone who disapproves could make fun of you or even tell others, who might treat you badly. This could cause a lot of hurt, so be absolutely sure before speaking out, especially if you prefer to keep your feelings private.
- Your crush might need time to process what you’ve shared. Allow them the space they need to think about it.
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 634 Mytour readers who’ve confessed their feelings to their crush, and 54% of them said they did it to see if a romantic relationship might be possible. [Take Poll] Before sharing your feelings, make sure you're prepared for how your relationship with them might change.
Move on if your crush doesn't feel the same way. If your crush doesn’t share your feelings, it’s time to let go. Holding on to unrequited love can be painful, and the healthiest thing you can do is to try and move forward.
- It’s up to you if you can continue being friends with them. In some situations, this works out well, and the crush fades away, leaving you with a close friend you can trust.
- However, in other cases, spending time with your crush may become too difficult or emotionally painful. If that happens, you may need to take a break or, in some cases, end the friendship entirely.
Quiz Collection: We've carefully selected these quizzes just for you.
1
Am I Gay Quiz
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Am I a Lesbian Quiz
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Am I Bisexual Quiz
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If you're unsure of anyone who might accept your feelings and want someone to talk to, you can contact the GLBT National Youth Talkline at 1-800-246-7743. The GLBT National Help Center also holds a weekly online session for teens.
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If some time passes after you've shared your feelings with your crush and you still aren't sure if they feel the same, or if they change the topic when it's brought up, it's likely time to move on. They probably don't feel the same way.
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If your parents are not accepting of same-gender relationships or LGBTQ identities, you might want to seek support from others until you're confident enough to share your sexual orientation with your family.
Warnings
- Your crush might not feel comfortable with the emotions you have towards them. Therefore, before you open up, it's important to be as certain as possible that they'll accept your feelings, even if they don't share them. If you're wrong, it could cause a lot of emotional pain.
