How to Manage Feelings of Abandonment

Understand why abandonment hurts. This feeling is often the result of being excluded or rejected by a group of people whose acceptance and affection you desire. You may feel abandoned because you were left out and/or rejected by your friends or colleagues. Pain is a natural response to this experience because everyone wants to feel that they belong to society. As social creatures, when our need for connection isn't met, we feel pain and sadness. However, recognizing that rejection hurts is a common feeling and won't reduce the emotional impact. Therefore, it's crucial to develop coping strategies for handling rejection.

• Recent studies show that the human brain processes the pain of rejection similarly to how it processes physical pain, such as a broken arm.
• Social exclusion can make you feel angry, anxious, frustrated, sad, and jealous.
• Many researchers have also found that being ignored by people we dislike can also hurt us!

Remind yourself that rejection is just a small part of life. Occasionally, everyone experiences the feeling of being left out. Unless you've had a fight or hurt a loved one in some way, you are likely to face this emotion less frequently. You can comfort yourself knowing that the rejection you're facing is only temporary and that you don’t have to deal with it often.

Be realistic. Sometimes, we feel abandoned without a valid reason. To determine if this is a justified feeling, it's helpful to approach the situation from a more realistic perspective. Being realistic means considering the situation from all angles. Take into account yourself, the people involved, and even the environment. To help you assess things more objectively, follow these steps:

• Look for evidence that you’ve been abandoned. Does that evidence support your feelings?
• Ask yourself if there might be another reason for someone's actions that made you feel ignored. Maybe they are also preoccupied or rushing to somewhere.
• Is your perception of the situation based on emotions, or is it based on actual events that occurred?
• Consult a third party to see if your assessment of the situation is accurate.
• Assume that others mean well until you have clear evidence to the contrary.

Stop overthinking the situation. Once you’ve acknowledged your feelings, try to move on from the situation by engaging in activities that can improve your mood. Dwelling on what happened or the emotions it stirred won’t make you feel better and may even worsen things. Focus on an activity immediately. For example, you could seek positivity by writing down three things you're grateful for. Or distract yourself by doing something you love. For instance:

• If you feel trapped at home while your friends are out having fun, treat yourself to a little self-care. Soak in a bubbly bath with scented candles and a good book. Take a walk or jog with your iPod. Go window shopping or simply wander around on your own. Whatever you choose, make sure it’s for you and makes you happy.

Take deep breaths to calm down. Rejection can be quite distressing, leaving you confused or tense. Research shows that taking a few minutes for deep breathing exercises can significantly reduce stress and promote a sense of calm.

• To practice deep breathing, slowly inhale deeply for a count of five, then hold your breath for another five counts. Exhale slowly for five counts. Begin by breathing normally for two counts and then repeat with slow, deep breaths.
• You could also try yoga, meditation, or tai chi to help calm your mind further.

Use positive self-talk after being ignored. Being left out can make you feel sad and blame yourself. Engaging in positive self-talk can help combat negative emotions and improve how you feel after being rejected. After someone distances themselves from your life, take a moment to look in the mirror and say something encouraging to yourself. You can talk about something you believe in about yourself or something you wish to believe in yourself. Some examples of positive affirmations include:

• "I am a fun and interesting person."
• "I am a good friend."
• "People love me."
• "People enjoy hanging out with me."

Take good care of yourself. Self-care can make you feel more loved than being neglected. This process can take many forms as different people feel cared for in different ways. Some examples include cooking a nice meal for yourself, soaking in a bubble bath, working on a project, or watching your favorite movie. You should also remember to take care of your body. By taking good care of your body, you're signaling to your brain that you deserve attention. Make sure you dedicate time to meet your basic needs like exercise, eating, and sleeping.

• Set a goal to exercise for 30 minutes each day.
• Maintain a balanced diet with healthy foods such as fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean protein.
• Ensure you get 8 hours of sleep every night.

Acknowledge your emotions. When we are rejected, we might try to ignore our feelings to avoid the pain. Instead, you should allow yourself to feel bad for a few moments. If you're deeply hurt and feel like crying, don't hesitate. Recognizing your emotions will help you move forward and cope with the rejection.

• Take time to identify why you feel abandoned, and think about the emotions this situation brings. For example, "I feel left out because my friends went to a party without inviting me over the weekend. I feel betrayed and sad because it makes me think they don't really like me."
• Write down your feelings in a journal. If you don’t like writing, drawing or playing music to express your emotions can also help you reflect on and cope with them.

Consider talking to someone about what happened. Talking to supportive friends or family can help you feel better and express your emotions. This method will also reassure you that, even though your friends may have ignored you, there are still many people who care about you. If you decide to open up to someone, make sure to choose a person who can help you and knows how to listen. Talking to someone who dismisses your feelings or doesn't offer good support will make you feel worse.

Express your feelings to friends. A helpful way to cope with the situation where you feel your friends are ignoring you is by sharing your emotions with them and asking why they acted this way. Let them know how you feel left out by explaining the situation and why you were hoping they would have invited you along or stayed with you at an event. Politely inquire about the reasons for the situation. Avoid assuming that they are to blame for ignoring you. Simply ask thoughtful questions to foster an effective conversation. You might say something like:

• "I felt sad when you went ice skating last Saturday without inviting me. I know I was exhausted on Friday evening, but I was ready to go out on Saturday, and I only found out you had gone when X mentioned it. I felt left out. Can you tell me why you didn't invite me along?"
• "I enjoyed the party we attended last week, but I felt abandoned when you and X walked away from the conversation. The new guy didn’t seem interested in talking to me, and I couldn't find you two. I felt lonely because I didn’t know anyone else. Maybe you didn’t realize I wanted to talk to you more than with him? Did you notice that I was all alone at that party?"

Listen to your friends' responses openly. They may be surprised by your feelings of being ignored. They might explain that recent events like a health issue, breakup, family visit, financial troubles, or controlling parents are the reasons they didn’t invite you. Use this opportunity to clarify any assumptions they might have about why they’ve ignored you.

• Be honest with yourself. Have you done anything that might have made your friends want to exclude you from the group? For example, have you been demanding, boastful, or not considering their needs recently? Or perhaps you have been overwhelming them a bit. This could be why they are giving you space, to seek some peace and quiet. If this is the case, you should take responsibility for your actions, apologize, and commit to changing.

Make others feel cared for. Sometimes the best way to overcome feelings of being ignored in a conversation or at an event is to make others feel welcomed and involved in the plan. This approach will help you shift focus from the discomfort or hurt you're experiencing, giving you the strength to positively change your own experience at the event. You can make others feel cared for through actions such as:

• Smile and greet everyone
• Start a conversation
• Ask questions to get to know others better
• Be a good listener
• Be kind and considerate
• Show genuine interest in everything others share

Arrange activities you can do with friends. If you think you’ve been ignored due to your own situation (such as a busy school schedule, long work hours, household responsibilities, hobbies, or sports commitments), you can help your friends make plans that fit your schedule. Your effort to plan a time to meet them will be appreciated.

• If you’re too busy to hang out with friends, invite them to join you in your everyday tasks or activities, such as going to the gym.
• You should try your best to set up meetings with friends, but also recognize when it's time to stop. If they decline your invitation several times, they may not want to continue the friendship. Don't keep inviting them if they continually refuse or cancel at the last minute.

Decide whether you need to make new friends. If you often feel left out, it might be time to accept that the people you currently meet aren't true friends, and you should seek new ones. Look for those who respect and care for you. While this may be difficult, it's easier than sticking with those who consistently cause you pain and treat you poorly. You deserve better.

• Consider volunteering, joining a local club to meet others who share your interests, and attending events in your area that you enjoy. Surrounding yourself with like-minded individuals ensures that you'll meet people with common passions, potentially leading to new friendships.

• If a group of friends you were once close with suddenly wants to exclude you and behaves antagonistically, you should find out if anyone is spreading rumors about you. Reach out to close friends and inquire about what others may be saying behind your back. Often, a malicious individual can ruin someone's social life by spreading falsehoods. These lies might be so outrageous that you wouldn’t even think to defend yourself, as you can't imagine them being true. In such a case, try to identify the liar, reveal the truth, and understand why they did this. Sometimes, their actions stem from jealousy rather than anything you did.
• If you often feel left out and lack friends to confide in about these issues, consider speaking with a counselor. A trained therapist can help you build a healthy support system and identify any factors preventing you from doing so. Sometimes, all you need is an outside perspective.
• If your friends consistently make you feel abandoned, they don't deserve you.
• Focus your energy on people who value you or engage in activities you love to take your mind off the issue.

• Don’t cling to people who ignore you as a way of ending a friendship or those who are hesitant to speak because they’re afraid to openly discuss things. Many people choose to end friendships by avoiding the other person rather than confronting them directly. Not every friendship lasts, and it’s important to recognize incompatibility rather than blaming yourself or becoming upset. You and the other person may simply grow and change in different directions.
• Avoid discussing religious topics with strangers or those who don't share the same beliefs. This topic is better suited for conversations with those who have similar views.