Buzz
Ending a romantic relationship is never simple, whether it was your decision or your partner's. You may find yourself confronting painful emotions and feeling the urge to resolve them quickly. There are several ways to cope with the hurt and move forward, such as writing about your feelings, allowing yourself to grieve, and being cautious about jumping into new relationships right after the breakup. It’s important to understand that healing from a breakup takes time and perseverance. If, after some time, things still aren’t improving, don’t forget that you can always reach out for support from friends, family, or even mental health professionals.
Steps
Moving Forward
Maintain Distance. Even if you and your ex decide to stay friends, it’s crucial to keep your distance after the breakup. This means no meeting up, not hanging out with their friends or family, no phone calls, no emails, no texting, no Facebook messages, and no instant messaging. You don’t have to cut ties forever, but you should stop all communication until you are truly ready to move on.
- If they try to convince you to continue meeting up, honestly ask yourself if it’s worth it. If you just want to revisit the past, meeting your ex might draw you back into old emotions, making it harder to move on.
- You may need to contact your ex for practical matters, such as moving out, signing documents, etc. But keep these interactions focused only on what’s necessary, and make sure the conversations are brief and respectful.
Organize Your Living Space. A breakup can signal the start of a new chapter. Therefore, tidying up and arranging your personal space will make you feel refreshed and ready to embrace the new experiences waiting for you. Clutter can make you feel chaotic and down, which only increases your stress levels. Cleaning doesn’t require much mental energy but helps you stay focused enough to avoid dwelling on the pain.
- Clean your room, hang a few new posters, or reorganize the icons on your computer screen. While it may seem trivial, tidying up will surely make you feel better.
Eliminate Triggers of Painful Memories. Many things can remind you of your ex — a song, a scent, a sound, a specific place. Keeping them around will make it difficult for you to heal after the breakup. Remove everything that causes your heart to ache or feel sorrowful. Clearing these emotional triggers from your living space can work wonders for your recovery.
- If you have some sentimental items like a watch or jewelry your ex gave you, it’s fine to keep them. But for now, it’s better to pack them away until you’ve fully healed from the breakup.
Step Outside and Do Something. After the end of a relationship, it’s okay to give yourself some time to stay at home. However, remember that after processing your emotions, you need to step back into the world. Plan activities, hang out with friends, and have fun! At first, it may feel awkward, but gradually things will get easier, and you’ll begin to feel more joyful. Stepping out and doing something is crucial because you need to develop and maintain your social network post-breakup. This action will help you move forward in life.
- You don’t have to go out all the time with others. Go outside and enjoy the freedom to do whatever you want. Visit your favorite café, go shopping, or take a short trip.
Be Careful of Replacement Relationships After a Breakup. It’s common for people to quickly enter a new relationship after breaking up with an ex. This type of relationship is known as a replacement relationship (where you quickly find someone else to "fill the gap" left by your ex). While this is quite common, it’s not always the best idea. Entering another relationship right after breaking up may simply be an attempt to mask negative emotions with the excitement of a new romance. If it doesn’t last, you’ll face the pain of two breakups at once. It’s better to remain single until you’ve fully dealt with your emotions and moved on from the breakup.
Take Care of Yourself. After a breakup, many people neglect self-care, but this won’t help you feel better. Pay attention to your basic needs for mental, physical, and emotional health. If you haven’t been taking care of yourself, now is the perfect time to start. You should eat well, get enough sleep, take time to relax, and exercise regularly to feel your best.
- Adopt a healthy diet that includes plenty of fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins. Stay away from junk food, sugary snacks, and greasy meals.
- Sleep 7-8 hours each night, but remember some people feel fine with less than 7 hours, while others need more than 8 hours of sleep.
- Exercise for at least 30 minutes each session, 5 times a week. You could walk for 30 minutes, bike around the neighborhood, or swim.
- Relax for at least 15 minutes every day. Try meditation, deep breathing exercises, or yoga to unwind.
Dealing with Emotional Pain
Understand that feeling pain is completely normal. After a breakup, you may experience feelings of sadness, anger, fear, and other emotions. You might worry that you will be alone forever or never find happiness again. But remind yourself that these feelings are a natural part of the healing process, and you need to feel them in order to move forward.
Take a break from your usual routines for a short period of time. This can be important after a breakup as it allows you time to process your emotions, and eventually, you will begin to heal. However, keep in mind that you should avoid actions that may jeopardize other relationships or your livelihood.
- For example, it’s okay to skip your regular workout for a week without worry, but taking a week off from work is not an option. Use your judgment and communicate with friends if you need to cancel plans while you recover.
Allow yourself to grieve the loss. The end of a relationship can leave a big hole in your heart, and you’ll need time to grieve. Give yourself permission to cry and mourn the loss, experiencing the pain that comes with it. If you don’t, it will be difficult to heal quickly and move forward. You may cry, scream, shout, or do whatever it takes to release those negative emotions.
- Try to set aside a specific time to grieve the loss of the relationship. This emotional outlet will help you process your feelings while preventing you from becoming overwhelmed by them.
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage and Family Therapist
Marriage and Family Therapist
The sooner you accept your feelings and circumstances, the quicker you will overcome the pain.
Stay close to those who support you. Surround yourself with people who love and care for you, as they can help you feel better about yourself. Supportive individuals will remind you of your worth, and with their presence, you'll find it easier to stand on your own feet again.
- Don't hesitate to reach out to friends or family when you need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on.
Seek healthy ways to ease your emotional pain. Your first instinct may be to turn to alcohol, drugs, or food to escape or numb the pain, but these are not long-term solutions. When dealing with emotional pain, you should avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms. Instead, look for ways to cope that allow for growth and healing.
- Explore new hobbies to keep yourself busy as you recover from the breakup. You might join a class, club, or learn something new on your own. Engaging in a hobby can not only lift your spirits but also help you build self-esteem by acquiring new skills, while temporarily taking your mind off the pain.
Consider talking to a therapist if the pain becomes overwhelming. Many people are able to work through their heartbreak on their own, but others may struggle. If you're having difficulty managing your emotional pain or suspect you may be depressed because of the breakup, seeking help from a mental health professional as soon as possible is highly recommended.
Dealing with Your Emotions
Reflect on your relationship. Consider the reasons behind the breakup between you and your ex. Remember that even if you shared good times together, there were still issues. Reflecting on why your relationship ended can give you insights into why you need to move forward. It can also help you avoid repeating the same mistakes in future relationships if you identify the factors that led to the breakup. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Was I responsible for the breakup? If so, what did I do?
- Do I tend to choose a specific type of person to date? If so, what are they like? Were they good to me? Why or why not?
- Have I encountered similar problems in other relationships? If so, what caused these issues? What could I do differently in future relationships?
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage and Family Therapist
Marriage and Family Therapist
By taking the time to forgive yourself and others, you can find good things in the midst of a bad situation.
Write about your emotions. You can keep a journal or try expressing your feelings in poetry. The key is to be honest and not censor the truth. One of the greatest benefits of writing down your emotions is that you may be surprised by the sudden clarity you gain when you pour your heart out onto paper. Patterns will become clearer, and your sadness will lessen, making it easier to learn valuable life lessons from your experience.
- Each day, try writing about your feelings after the breakup until you feel better. For example, start each journal entry with "It has been __ days since the breakup and I feel ____." Then, elaborate on how you're feeling. This prompt will help you track your emotional progress over time and process your feelings more effectively.
- You could write a letter to your ex, but do not send it. Sometimes, this act can help you release your emotions. However, sending it is not a good idea. This letter is for you, so feel free to write anything you want, and then let it go. It won't help you to dwell on the breakup, so treat it as a way to express your emotions for the last time.
- Write a story. Think about the time when you first started your relationship with that person, and record that period from beginning to end. It may be painful, but it will provide you with a broader perspective. When you reach the final chapter, end the story on a positive note and write "The End."
Managing anger. Feelings of anger can arise when we are wronged or treated unfairly. When you're unable to contact your ex, the best way to manage that anger is to relax.
- Take deep breaths and focus on relaxing your muscles. Soft music can often help.
Stay firm in your decision. If you were the one who initiated the breakup, remember that focusing on the happy times you shared with your ex can make you forget the reasons behind your decision to part ways. Similarly, if the decision to break up came from them, don't dwell on it either. It's common to romanticize the best parts of the relationship and convince yourself that the negative aspects weren't that bad. You should resist this temptation and accept the situation for what it is, finding ways to move on.
Remind yourself of your ex's flaws. Focusing on all the things you disliked about your ex can help you move on from the breakup faster. You can make a list of things that bothered you about them, such as perhaps their loud burping after dinner, their tendency to make plans without consulting you, or their forgetting your birthday. List all the little things they did that irritated you.
Consider how you will be better off without your ex. In addition to reminding yourself of all the actions that upset you, thinking about the positive aspects of the breakup can also be helpful. You can make another list of reasons why you will improve without your ex.
- For example, maybe they never supported your efforts to eat healthily, and now you have the freedom to follow a nutritious diet and take better care of yourself. Or perhaps your ex never allowed you to pursue your hobbies, but now you have the freedom to engage in them. Make a list of all the ways you will be better off after the breakup.
Advice
- Remember, your ex may also be trying to erase your image from their mind. Be cautious of this and maintain some distance. If you've decided not to meet, stick to that decision: stop meeting.
- You should know that it's okay to cry and express your emotions. You'll feel better when you face your feelings instead of trying to suppress them.
- You might consider holding a symbolic ceremony. People often hold funerals to remember lost loved ones, and you can say goodbye to your relationship in a similarly formal way. Gather everything that reminds you of your ex and either burn it or donate it to charity. Prepare a eulogy and read it aloud.
Warning
- If you find yourself frequently checking your ex's MySpace, Facebook, or any other social media accounts, you should consider using a program or setting up your browser to block access to their profiles. It can also be helpful to remove your ex from your friend list. Even if everything ended on good terms, reading their posts may still cause you pain and discomfort.
- Be cautious of any stalking or threatening behavior, and if you notice anything unusual, report it to the authorities immediately. While the person may simply be struggling, they may not pose a direct threat to you. However, it's important not to take any risks. If needed, you can request a restraining order or protection order and involve the police each time there is a violation. You will need documentation if stalking behavior escalates.
