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It's completely normal to miss an avoidant partner when they pull away. However, there are numerous ways to manage their behavior and focus on healing. In this guide, we’ll provide expert insights on why you're drawn to an avoidant partner and explore the reasons they might withdraw. We’ll also offer practical tips to help you move forward and invest in your own personal growth. Keep reading to learn how to get past an avoidant partner and focus on yourself.
This article draws from an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist, Liana Georgoulis, Psy.D. Read the full interview here.
Steps
Identify your attachment styles.
If you’re involved with an avoidant partner, you likely have an 'anxious' attachment style. Do you find that your partner avoids closeness or demands personal space? Do they avoid conversations about their emotions or shut you out when things get too close? If so, your partner most likely has an 'avoidant' attachment style. On the other hand, if you feel unsettled when your partner withdraws and overly responsible when they pull away, it's probable that you have an 'anxious' attachment style.
- An individual with an avoidant attachment style tends to:
• Push others away when they get too close.
• Struggle with trusting people.
• Fear emotional intimacy.
• Prefer plenty of alone time.
• Believe they are self-sufficient and don’t need anyone. - If you have an anxious attachment style, you may:
• Feel the need to cling to others to prevent them from leaving.
• Be highly sensitive to criticism.
• Crave external validation.
• Battle feelings of jealousy.
• Struggle with being alone.
• Fear being rejected or abandoned.
Notice how your body reacts.
Pay attention to how the relationship affects your physical state. You might feel overwhelmed, anxious, or disoriented when your avoidant partner pulls away. To ground yourself, find a quiet spot, take deep breaths, and close your eyes. Focus on the sensations in your body. For instance, do you notice tension in your jaw or tightness in your shoulders? Once you pinpoint these physical responses, try to connect them with your emotions. Then, identify what you need to feel more centered. Here’s an example of how you can do this:
- “I’m feeling tightness in my chest and shortness of breath right now.”
- “I get this feeling every time I see the ‘read’ receipt. I feel hurt that he hasn’t responded.”
- “I need to spend time with my friends to feel valued and wanted.”
Avoid taking responsibility for your partner’s actions.
If they claim you caused them to leave, remember it was their choice. Avoidant partners often shift blame onto others, so it's important to reject their accusations. They might say you're 'too clingy' or that you don't meet their unrealistic expectations. If they tell you that you're the reason for their departure or the source of tension, don’t internalize it. Your avoidant partner needs to take accountability for their pattern of distancing themselves.
- When they criticize you, it’s usually an impulsive reaction, not a fair assessment.
- Even if they minimize your feelings, it’s still not acceptable behavior.
- When they point out flaws in you, it’s actually a reflection of their own insecurities.
- Until they address their fears, they’ll keep running from any relationship.
- You are not to blame for their need for space or their inability to communicate effectively.
Stop idealizing your partner's potential.
See them for who they are today, not who you wish they could be. Stop idealizing your avoidant partner and waiting for them to change. If they are currently dismissing your emotions and failing to support you, recognize how their behavior affects your life. Take note of their habits and the impact of their actions. Here's an example of how to approach this:
- “I hoped they would eventually become caring, but in reality, they’re distant and indifferent.”
- “They’re rarely available. When I ask for a conversation, they tell me to handle things on my own.”
- “Right now, they’re not showing me the affection I need. They withdraw from me nearly every week.”
Allow yourself time to mourn what you’ve lost.
Embrace your emotions fully so you can heal and move on. Even if you've accepted that your avoidant partner isn't the right fit for you, it's completely normal to feel sorrow. Let your emotions unfold naturally instead of trying to avoid them. Cry, indulge in comforting foods, and lean on your friends for support. As you detach emotionally from your avoidant partner, your longing for their companionship will gradually fade.
- If you've broken up, resist the urge to reach out to them, as it could trap you in a cycle of emotional dependency.
- Engaging in mindfulness meditation for 15-20 minutes a day can help break free from emotional dependence and obsessive thoughts.
- The grieving process may feel uncomfortable, but it’s a necessary step, and you will feel lighter once you've processed everything.
- You will emerge wiser and stronger after completing the stages of grief.
Come to terms with the fact that the relationship may not be meant to work.
Even in letting go, there’s a bright future ahead of you. Rather than dwelling on what could have been, welcome the change. If you conclude that you and your avoidant partner aren’t compatible due to their emotional unavailability, take this as an opportunity to break free from an unhealthy dynamic. Understand that you haven't lost love; you've created space for a new, healthier relationship built on trust and respect. Here’s how to motivate yourself:
- “If this relationship hadn’t ended, I wouldn’t have had the chance to reflect on what I truly need.”
- “Now that we’re not in touch, I can focus more on my passions and my social circle.”
- “We both made the decision to part ways. There’s a brighter future awaiting me.”
Recognize the recurring patterns in your relationships.
Ask yourself if you tend to pursue your partners. Is your avoidant partner’s behavior something new, or have you encountered it before? When you show enthusiasm and commitment, do your partners seem to pull back? Do they disappear or suddenly end things? Are you typically the one putting in the most effort to make things work? Perhaps you’re the one who’s most vulnerable, expressing your feelings and expectations. If this sounds familiar, you might be stuck in the “anxious-avoidant” dynamic.
- The “anxious-avoidant” dynamic is often referred to as the “anxious-avoidant trap.”
- This term describes a toxic relationship where one partner is anxious and the other is avoidant, leading to constant conflict due to their opposing needs.
- As the anxious partner, you may feel drained because you’re seeking more reassurance and connection.
- You’re likely the one fighting for your avoidant partner’s attention.
- Your avoidant partner may feel threatened by your attempts to control them, triggering them to pull away.
- They may withdraw and ignore you to regain a sense of control and power in the relationship.
Visualize the kind of relationship that nurtures you.
Clarify your needs and desires so you know what to look for in a partner. After processing your breakup with an avoidant partner and recognizing any 'red flags'—or warning signs—shift your focus to the 'green flags' that indicate a healthy and fulfilling relationship. List your top priorities and expectations for when you open your heart to someone again. Here’s an example to guide you:
- “I need my future partner to trust me and be open to my love.”
- “We both need to nurture our individual identities and passions.”
- “We’ll need to listen to one another and strive for mutual understanding.”
Prioritize your sense of self-worth.
Realize that your worth isn't tied to pleasing others. If you have an anxious attachment style, you may find yourself struggling with codependent traits. Low self-esteem and a lack of self-worth might be part of your experience. Now is the time to prioritize self-love. Block out any negative influences from your past relationship. Instead, focus on your skills, strengths, gifts, and values. When you begin celebrating yourself, moving on from an avoidant partner becomes much easier.
- Use affirmations like: “I am compassionate and deeply empathetic.”
- Set boundaries with statements like: “I will not allow myself to be disrespected or devalued.”
- Express your core beliefs with phrases like: “Kindness and patience are my guiding principles.”
- Be clear about your priorities with thoughts like: “My time is valuable, and right now, I’m focusing on my personal growth.”
Shift your focus from the relationship to hobbies and friendships.
Train yourself not to depend solely on your partner for happiness. Avoid falling into codependency, a form of emotional addiction where you prioritize your avoidant partner’s needs over your own. Redirect your energy towards yourself. Cultivate your own interests and set personal goals that resonate with you. Here are some additional ways to nurture a relationship with yourself:
- Replace activities you did just to bond with your partner. For example, if tennis isn’t your thing, but salsa dancing excites you, take a dance class.
- Set personal goals based solely on your aspirations, like becoming the top salesperson in your region.
- Spend time with people who are not mutual friends of your avoidant partner.
- When socializing, talk about subjects unrelated to your romantic life.
Prioritize self-care over trying to “fix” your partner.
Break free from the cycle of giving all your energy to an avoidant partner. Let go of the “people-pleasing” role, where you put everyone’s needs above your own, and focus your energy on yourself. To regulate your emotional state, make sure to exercise, eat nourishing food, and get plenty of rest. Journaling, seeking support, and practicing self-acceptance are also essential steps. Make your healing journey a personal project, and you'll experience the liberation of self-growth.
- Consider speaking with a therapist to better understand your anxious attachment style.
- As your confidence grows, you'll shift towards a “secure” attachment style, realizing you are an amazing partner.
- You'll form deeper connections with people who genuinely value you.
- Remember that when you're emotionally healthy, you'll attract partners who honor and respect you.
How Do You Move Forward After a Relationship with an Avoidant Partner?
Join the Conversation...
My partner and I have started to take things more seriously, and it's been going really well. Recently, my partner's therapist told them they have an avoidant attachment style, and they asked me if I'd noticed any signs of it. Honestly, it was the first time I'd ever heard of this, so I'm not sure what to make of it. Is it a good or bad thing? What should I be looking out for in our relationship?
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to value their independence, may feel uneasy with emotional closeness, and often struggle to communicate their feelings or open up emotionally.
To best support your partner, offer them empathy and understanding, while giving them space when they need it. Encourage them to be more open by modeling vulnerability yourself and acknowledging their emotions when they share them.
Make sure to take care of your own needs as well. Learning about your own attachment style can also be helpful. If you're unsure what it is, try taking our Attachment Style Quiz.
To best support your partner, offer them empathy and understanding, while giving them space when they need it. Encourage them to be more open by modeling vulnerability yourself and acknowledging their emotions when they share them.
Make sure to take care of your own needs as well. Learning about your own attachment style can also be helpful. If you're unsure what it is, try taking our Attachment Style Quiz.
Leslie Bosch, PhD
Developmental Psychologist
Developmental Psychologist
People with an avoidant attachment style often suppress their own emotions, as well as the feelings of others. As a result, they tend not to be very in tune with emotions. Much of this behavior is learned from how they were raised—it's not typically a conscious choice, but rather a learned response from observing their parents. When someone has a fearful avoidant attachment style, they may feel thoughts like, "I am not capable," "Others can't be trusted," or "The world is a dangerous place." This mindset can leave them unsure of where to turn for support when they need it most.
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