Buzz
Breaking up with someone is never an easy task, especially when your heart is still attached to them. But no matter how tough it may seem, with time, patience, and some healthy coping strategies, you can rise again and rediscover happiness. Start by removing that person from your life—delete contacts and take down anything that reminds you of them. After that, you can work on healing the pain and embracing life again.
Steps
Remove Your Ex from Your Life
Cut all communication completely. It is incredibly difficult to get over or forget someone if you're still talking to them, even if it's just through social media. Let your ex know that you need space for a while, even if you hope to be friends again in the future.
- You might say, "I would like us to be friends someday, but right now, I need some distance to heal."
- If you have to see them, try to remain polite but don't act like you're friends. For example, you can greet them when passing in the hallway or have a brief, respectful conversation about necessary matters if you share children, but remember to keep it strictly formal and avoid getting too friendly.
Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Psychologist specializing in love and relationships
Psychologist specializing in love and relationships
Break the endless cycle of breaking up and getting back together. Relationship expert Dr. Sarah Schewitz states, "It is crucial to sever all communication when you're in an on-again, off-again relationship, as continued encounters may lead to intimacy or reconciliation."
Let go of the idea that you can get that person back. Don't stay fixated on the thought that reconciliation is possible. This will only fuel false hope and keep you stuck in the past. Instead, focus on moving on from the relationship, and remind yourself that everything has ended for a reason.
- Tell yourself, "There was a reason for our breakup, and I deserve to rebuild my life with someone new."
Write a letter to your ex, but don't send it. Pour out your heart onto paper. Tell them how they hurt you, and reflect on both the happy and painful moments. This letter is for you alone, a way to release emotions. There's no need to send it.
Delete emails, messages, and voicemails from that person. When you receive messages from your ex, it's easy to fall back into the past by revisiting old letters or conversations. Go through all your accounts and delete every message to avoid temptation.
- If you're worried you might want to revisit those memories someday, you can back everything up on an external hard drive and have a friend hold onto it. That way, you won't be able to easily access it and fall into nostalgia.
Remove or delete all photos of your ex. Take down any pictures on the walls and in albums. Delete all photos from your phone, computer, and all your social media accounts. You don't need to keep reminders of your ex around you.
- If you're not ready to completely erase all memories, save them on an external hard drive and have a friend store them for a while.
Burn everything that reminds you of your ex. Sometimes, you need to erase your ex’s presence from your mind. One way to do this is by gathering all mementos that remind you of them, placing everything in a metal container, and setting it on fire. You can burn items like letters, old photos, or clothing.
- Make sure to do this outdoors in an area with little wind. Have a bucket of water or a fire extinguisher nearby just in case.
Overcoming the Pain
Remind yourself why the relationship ended. If you're having trouble forgetting your ex, it might be because you tend to remember only the happy moments, not the painful ones. Take time to reflect on why the breakup occurred to dispel that illusion.
- Try writing down your thoughts. Record the painful moments that you intended to forget in order to move on.
- The relationship ended for a reason, whether something happened or things didn't turn out as expected. If you overly idealize your past relationship, it will be harder to move forward.
Forgive your ex to release any lingering resentment. One way to forgive is to focus on the positive qualities of your ex. Remember what you admired about them to see them as a whole person, who also made mistakes. Only when you view your ex as a complete person, with both good and bad traits, will you be able to forgive them.
- Another way to forgive is by reflecting on how their actions affected you. Think about how these emotions have shaped your view of life. For example, if you feel anger and bitterness, consider how those emotions have influenced your perspective.
- Of course, "wrongdoing" comes in many forms. With serious issues like physical or emotional abuse, forgiveness may be much harder. However, remember that the act of forgiveness is primarily for your own well-being, not for excusing their actions.
- Forgiveness means letting go of the bitterness you hold towards your ex. It will be difficult to rid yourself of negative feelings unless you're willing to forgive. It's not about forgetting your pain, but about releasing the resentment that you hold within.
Don't assign blame to the breakup. You may blame yourself or feel that your partner is at fault for the breakup. However, the truth is that you just weren't compatible with each other, and no one should be blamed for it.
- If things were generally good between you two, remember that both of you put effort into the relationship, and try to move away from a mindset of blaming.
Work on changing your attitude towards the past instead of wishing it away. Sometimes you may wish you could turn back time and change the things that happened. It’s a natural reaction, but it won’t be helpful in the long run. What you can change is how you respond to what has already passed. Accept things as they are instead of endlessly regretting things you said or did.
- Think about something that still haunts you. Perhaps you often think, "I wish I could take back what I said." Instead, try reframing it as: "I regret what I said, but I’ve learned from that mistake and will do better next time."
Seek therapy if you're struggling. You might feel embarrassed about seeing a therapist, but remember that millions of people just like you seek advice and guidance from therapists, counselors, and other professionals during tough times, and you can do the same. There's no reason to feel ashamed about asking for help.
- You can consider speaking to licensed therapists, psychiatrists, school or career counselors, and, if you prefer, trusted community figures. Seek guidance from someone you trust and who is qualified.
- If you're unsure where to start, ask friends or family for recommendations on who to talk to.
Keep living joyfully
Learn to live independently again. During this time, remember that you are entirely independent. You don’t need anyone to help you become whole, so take this opportunity to rediscover yourself without your ex.
- Make a list of things you can do right now while not being tied down. For example, you could spend more time with friends and family, travel solo, move to another city, or stay up late without any restrictions. This list will remind you how freeing it is to live independently.
Remind yourself of your own strength. When parting ways with someone, you might feel weak and doubt your ability to overcome the pain. The truth is, you are strong enough; you just need to remind yourself of that. Take time to jot down a few of your strengths and accomplishments to remind yourself that you can, and will, get through this.
- For example, you might write, “I have amazing endurance. It only took me one year from starting to run to completing a marathon! And with that endurance, I will get through this as well."
Meet some new friends. If your relationship lasted a long time, you might have many mutual friends with your ex. Try to make new friends, people who won't bring up your ex or expect both of you to be present at social events. This way, you'll find it easier to move on.
- You don’t have to completely abandon your old friends, but it might be safer to socialize with new ones. You can also lean on people who don't know your ex. Reconnect with friendships that you may have neglected in the past.
- To meet new people, you can attend community events, join interesting classes at the library, visit parks, or even strike up a conversation with someone at the coffee shop near your house.
Start dating again when you're ready. Give yourself time to grieve, but when you begin to heal, try opening up to someone new. You don't need to make promises or commitments to anyone. Just date people you like, maybe even go out with a few different people.
- Give yourself the time you need before jumping into a new relationship. There’s no rush. In fact, it could be a good idea to let the new person know where you stand. You might say, “I need to tell you something. I just broke up with someone, so right now I'm just looking for someone to spend time with.”
Take care of yourself
Let your emotions out through laughter and tears. Sometimes, the pain in your heart flares up, and all you want to do is cry. It's okay! Let yourself cry for a while. But don't forget to laugh too! Watch some funny videos online, enjoy humorous skits, or scroll through cute trends on the internet. Laughter is a great remedy for the soul, and it will help you feel just as good, if not better, than crying.
- Go out with friends and enjoy the sound of laughter!
Eat nutritious food every day. When you’re feeling down, you might lose interest in eating or indulge in unhealthy fast food. Unfortunately, this will only worsen your mood, especially when your blood sugar levels drop. At the very least, remember to eat fruits, fresh vegetables, and lean proteins.
- Of course, you can still enjoy a piece of chocolate cake or a bag of chips, especially on the first day. Just try not to eat every sweet and bag of chips. Choose healthier options alongside them.
Engage in physical activities, especially outdoor sports. Go for a hike in the woods or take a walk with a friend. Try kayaking on a nearby lake or swimming at your favorite pool. Play a round of tennis, run in the park, or simply head to the gym. Yoga is also a fantastic option. Any form of activity can help you forget the pain and feel more at ease.
- Try to exercise for at least 30 minutes most days of the week.
- Physical activity is excellent for the brain, as it releases chemicals that promote happiness. If you exercise outdoors, you’ll also benefit from vitamin D! Moreover, this is good for your overall health and helps you step outside your home.
Get plenty of sleep. Sleep is the body's natural way of healing, and it works just as well for emotional pain. If you're having trouble sleeping, give yourself extra time to fall asleep and aim for at least 8 hours of sleep every night.
- Establish a bedtime routine. Turn off electronic devices at least an hour before bed to allow your brain to relax. Drink some warm milk or herbal tea, or take a warm bath to soothe your mind.
- You might face the opposite issue, where you just want to sleep all day. While it's okay to sleep a bit more (9-10 hours a night), try not to overdo it. Force yourself to wake up and engage with the outside world.
Lean on friends and family for support. Your loved ones—family, close friends, mentors—want nothing more than for you to be happy. Don’t hesitate to seek comfort from them. Talk to a close friend, a parent, or a sibling to help ease your stress and sadness. It’s not just your ex who cared about you; take this time to remember that and cherish the meaningful relationships in your life.
- The advice you receive from those closest to you might not be perfect, but simply knowing that someone understands can bring you much-needed relief.
Return to your regular routine. A daily schedule can help you regain normalcy and make things feel routine again. Try to wake up and go to bed at the same time every day, eat your meals on time, and follow a similar routine for other activities.
- However, you can still afford to be a little lenient with yourself. You’re going through a tough period and have the right to take breaks when necessary, as long as you do your best.
Spoil yourself a little. Indulge in a bubble bath or treat yourself to a massage. This is the perfect time to nurture yourself. Go see a movie you’ve been wanting to watch, enjoy a shopping spree, or even take a short getaway to the countryside. Do something that brings you joy.
- Sometimes, all you need is something simple like grabbing a cup of coffee at your favorite café or curling up in bed with a good book.
Try a new hobby to break old habits. You could learn a new language or sign up for an exciting cooking class. Visit the library and pick up a book on a hobby you’ve always wanted to try, or watch tutorials online. You could also join a class for something that interests you.
- New hobbies bring a sense of independence and relaxation, and they are creative activities that can revitalize your energy and passion.
Advice
- If your friends ask about your ex, you can politely respond with, "We broke up. But I don’t want to talk about it." They will understand and won’t ask again.
- Try to focus on other activities instead of constantly thinking about the ones you once enjoyed.
Warning
- Don't resort to negative behaviors such as drinking alcohol, smoking, using drugs, gambling, self-harm, or even burying yourself in work. In the end, these actions don't help and only cause harm.
