Buzz
If you’ve ever fallen for someone who just wasn’t the right match—and let’s face it, we’ve all been there—thinking about 'controlling love' might seem as improbable as 'herding cats.' While complete control over love might be out of reach, there are definitely strategies to manage it!
Here are 12 techniques to help you navigate your emotions for someone.
Steps
Shift your focus from obsessing over the person.
Engage in distractions to stay active and redirect your attention. The more you fixate on the person you're trying to avoid, the more you risk intensifying your feelings for them. Instead, when they cross your mind, steer your focus elsewhere! Find an activity that demands your attention, such as reading, calling a friend, solving a puzzle, drawing, playing a video game, knitting, cleaning, or going for a walk.
- If you try too hard to push them out of your mind, you may end up thinking about them even more. Instead of suppressing the thoughts, try filling your mind with a variety of other things.
- Distractions can help shift your mood. If you’re feeling down about the situation, interrupt your negative state by engaging in something positive.
Engage in activities that bring you true joy.
Fill your time with things that make you happy and give you a sense of fulfillment. Whether it's painting, starting a garage band, or arranging dolls in a circus setting, the key is finding something that excites you and sets your mind on a positive path.
- Many people find volunteering to be an incredibly rewarding way to spend their time. Explore volunteer opportunities in your area that capture your interest.
- When you dedicate a significant part of your life to something meaningful, the other distractions start to fade away. The unwanted feelings get crowded out because you’ll have better things to do than obsess over that person.
Spend more time with others.
Spend time with friends instead of isolating yourself with your thoughts. The more you focus on being around others, the less time you'll have to dwell on Mr./Ms. Wrong. If you spend too much time alone, your mind will wander, and those feelings may resurface. Surrounding yourself with others helps you stay busy and gives you the emotional benefits that come with socializing.
- Don’t take the amazing people in your life for granted! Take every opportunity to enjoy quality time with them for your well-being (and theirs too).
Offer yourself the same advice you'd give a friend.
Take a logical approach and consider the pros and cons of the situation. Try stepping back and imagining that you're observing the situation from the outside rather than being personally involved. It may help to think of yourself as advising a friend who is infatuated. If you'd suggest they not pursue a relationship for several sensible, practical, and logical reasons, apply the same reasoning to yourself!
- For example, what would you advise your friend if they were falling for someone already married? Or moving across the globe in a couple of months? Or if the person had shown themselves to be unreliable, unfaithful, or had a history of violence?
- Likewise, if your friend felt this was their only shot at love, it would be perfectly rational to remind them that there are always “other fish in the sea,” right?
- It may also be helpful to make a “pros and cons” list on a large posterboard.
Create "if-then" plans.
Plan in advance how you'll respond when situations arise. While you can’t always control your desires, you do have control over your actions. Think of it like this: a good diet plan doesn't stop you from craving french fries, but it does provide you with a healthier alternative when the urge strikes. Similarly, when you feel the urge to contact someone who's not right for you, have a plan to call a supportive friend instead. If you want to text Mr./Ms. Wrong, then play your favorite phone game instead.
- The “if-then” strategy is a way to anticipate your impulses, handle them, and redirect them towards more constructive behaviors.
Practice meditation to refocus your thoughts and emotions.
Clearing your mind helps push unwanted thoughts aside. Meditating to empty your mind might seem like an open invitation to obsess over the person you're trying to avoid. However, if you truly focus on centering yourself and immersing in your own experience, other thoughts fade away. Think of it as a mental reset!
- This technique is great when you're trying to move beyond feelings for someone who isn’t right for you. It’s also useful when you're dealing with emotions you want to explore for other reasons.
- If traditional meditation isn’t for you, try progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing exercises, prayer, listening to calming music, or curling up with a good book.
Take your time when deciding to pursue love.
Take gradual steps instead of diving in headfirst. Love can hit you unexpectedly and make you want to fully commit right away. While this isn’t always a bad thing, it’s often wiser to take your time and let your feelings develop gradually. Rushing in too quickly might overwhelm the other person or lead you to commit before you're truly ready.
- You’ve heard the saying “love rushes in,” but that doesn’t mean you need to rush things along! Try to slow down and let things unfold naturally. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your emotions, reach out to a friend to discuss your feelings and how to move forward.
Be present with your new partner.
Give your full attention to deepen the connection. One of the most meaningful things you can do with someone is to truly be present with them. It may seem simple, but when was the last time you were with someone who was completely focused on you? Not distracted by their phone, people-watching, or changing the TV channels, but simply engaged with you. By being that person, you not only earn their appreciation, but you’ll also feel a stronger bond.
- While you can't force love to blossom in a new relationship, you can nurture the connection if there's mutual attraction and willingness. Being present is the first step in fostering this growth.
Open up to them as your relationship evolves.
Open up at a steady pace, but don't be afraid to reveal your true self. If you're looking for your love to grow deeper, you must be ready to let the other person truly understand you. This involves loosening the control you might be holding onto in the relationship, and that’s perfectly okay! Go at a pace that feels comfortable, express your feelings and who you are, and let your bond with your partner evolve.
- Start with small steps by sharing stories from your past. Then move on to discussing your likes, dislikes, and how different things and people make you feel. Don't rush into revealing your deepest fears right away—save that for when you're ready.
Pay attention and learn about them as an individual.
Allow the other person to open up, and embrace them for who they are. As you become more open with this person, they'll likely feel encouraged to reciprocate. When they want to share something with you, give them your full attention and practice active listening to show your support and validation. If they’re not yet ready to share, don't push them—simply say something like, “I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk about that.”
- As they open up, you’ll start to see them as the unique individual they truly are. Sometimes, your connection will deepen into a loving relationship. Other times, you’ll realize they might not be the right match for you.
- If you discover that they aren’t the right person, don’t attempt to change who they are to fit your needs. True love is about accepting the other person as they are, which sometimes means acknowledging that they aren't the perfect match you imagined. Love should be grounded in reality, not fantasy.
Try to see things from both your perspective and theirs.
Don’t try to control love by disregarding the other person’s viewpoint. Sometimes, your feelings may be based solely on your own interpretation of events, without considering the other person’s perspective. While it’s important to honor your own feelings, it’s equally essential to understand the other person's viewpoint if you want your relationship to flourish.
- For instance, it might be frustrating when your partner relaxes in front of the TV after work instead of engaging with you. While you are entitled to your feelings, could you also consider that this might be their “me-time” after a long day? Begin with empathy to find solutions together as a partnership.
Let love evolve naturally.
Release your grip and allow love to unfold (or not). Sometimes, in your desire to control the situation, you may try to make reality conform to your own idea of what love should look like. This could mean rushing into saying "I love you," moving in together too soon, or ending things prematurely. Rather than trying to push things along according to your own timeline, trust both your emotions and your reasoning. What do your “heart” and your “head” suggest about this relationship and how (or if) it should deepen?
- Love can’t be forced into a mold. Every loving relationship is a one-of-a-kind experience between two unique individuals. Instead of exerting complete control, try to “go with the flow” to some extent. Trust yourself—and seek guidance from dependable friends, family, or mentors when necessary—to assess the relationship as it progresses on its own course.
Mindfulness Journal Entry Guide
Sample Mindfulness Journal Entry Guide
