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Shift your perspective from pain to personal growth when confronted with negativity.
People with toxic traits can drain the energy of those around them, leaving you feeling emotionally, mentally, and physically spent. However, the good news is that there are effective ways to deal with them. Although you may eventually have no choice but to distance yourself from them, it’s possible to improve the situation—particularly if they don’t realize how harmful their behavior is. We spoke with counselors and therapists to uncover the most effective methods for handling toxic people and recognizing when it’s time to permanently disconnect from them.
Important Things to Understand
- If a toxic individual drains your energy, it’s important to have a candid conversation about their behavior and its impact on you. Following this, you can establish clear boundaries with them.
- If the toxic person disregards your boundaries despite the conversation, it may be necessary to cut ties with them for good, if possible.
- You can identify a toxic person if they constantly make everything about themselves and will manipulate or deceive others to get what they want.
Actionable Steps
Dealing with Toxic Individuals
Observe the emotional impact they have on you. Toxic individuals can often leave you feeling depleted or discouraged after interactions. It may feel like they've stolen your energy or consistently bring negativity into your life. Whenever something positive happens to you, they seem ready to highlight all the drawbacks. Interacting with them can be emotionally draining.
- Sometimes, toxic individuals are unaware of the harm they cause. In these situations, a conversation may help shed light on their impact.
- The key to identifying a toxic person is to reflect on how they make you feel when you're around them. While no one can be cheerful all the time, if they leave you feeling worse more often than not, they are likely toxic for you.
Have an honest conversation about their actions. Sit down with the person in private and clearly express how their behavior affects you. Use "I" statements to focus on your own feelings rather than accusing them directly, which can help prevent them from feeling attacked. Keep in mind they might not even realize their actions are causing harm.
- For instance, you might say, "When you're late to our meetings, I feel like you don't respect my time."
- Adult counselor Julia Lyubchenko advises, "There’s no need to be rude or hostile, but it’s important to communicate it in a respectful, clear, and firm manner..."
- For example, if a colleague consistently takes credit for group efforts, you might say, "I feel disregarded when my contributions aren’t acknowledged in our team projects."
Establish firm boundaries on how you expect to be treated. Setting boundaries is crucial to communicate which behaviors are acceptable and which are not, according to adult counselor Julia Lyubchenko. Toxic individuals often exploit weak or inconsistent boundaries, so it's vital to be assertive and consistent in enforcing them.
- For example, you could say, "I value our time together, but if you’re late to our plans, I’ll have to leave after five minutes."
- If a friend embarrasses you by bringing up sensitive topics in public, you might say, "I feel undermined when you discuss that in front of others. Let’s talk about it privately next time."
- Be consistent in reinforcing your boundaries each time they’re tested. If you let them slide once, they’ll continue to push your limits.
Stay composed when interacting with them. Clinical psychologist Liana Georgoulis advises that you should avoid addressing conflicts when you're overwhelmed with strong emotions like anger or anxiety. Recognize when you're becoming emotionally flooded, as it’s not the right time to resolve issues.
- You can use rhetorical techniques like the "broken record" method, where you calmly repeat your initial statement, regardless of any arguments they may present. Over time, the toxic individual will lose interest when they realize they won’t provoke an emotional reaction from you.
Limit your interactions with the toxic individual. If someone in your life is toxic, it’s important to minimize your exposure to them. Even if complete avoidance isn't possible, you can still reduce your presence in social settings. The less time they have with you, the less control they’ll have to manipulate or negatively influence you.
- If it's challenging to distance yourself, such as living in the same space, try spending more time outside of the home or use other household members as buffers. Even when in the same room, it's okay to avoid one-on-one interactions with them.
- Consider cutting down the number of engagements you have with them. For example, reply to their emails only once a week instead of responding to their daily barrage of messages.
- If avoiding them is difficult, particularly in a work setting, certified career coach Meredith Walters suggests "noticing when a conversation starts to turn toxic and gently redirecting it by saying, 'I find it difficult to talk like this because it makes me feel hopeless or frustrated.'"
Don’t share personal information with them. If the person is toxic, keeping your personal life private is essential. A toxic person may use whatever you share against you, either now or in the future. This is also why you should avoid getting involved in their personal matters.
- A toxic person will likely probe for personal details or attempt to invade your privacy. You can simply respond with, "I’d prefer not to discuss that right now."
- If you’re used to sharing with them, try to pull back slowly and notice how much better you feel when you stop revealing personal information to them.
Stay out of the drama they create. Toxic individuals often try to pull you into their chaotic situations, expecting your sympathy and help. Just as one problem ends, a new one will appear. Since you can’t genuinely help them, it’s better for your mental well-being to ignore the drama and refrain from participating.
- If a toxic person presents you with a problem, you might say, "I’m sorry this is happening to you, but I can’t offer any assistance. You’ll need to handle this on your own."
- A toxic person might try to make you feel guilty for not helping or supporting them. Remind yourself that their problems aren’t your responsibility.
- Resist the temptation to "fix" their issues. Remember, they’re not treating you fairly and disregarding your needs.
Develop a solid support network. Surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you, and who can offer a buffer against toxic individuals. If the toxic person is feeding you negativity, your support system can help you stay grounded in reality. They can also remind you of your worth when the toxic person tries to bring you down with criticism.
- Your support system can also act as a shield. For instance, if you live with the toxic person, you might agree that whenever they start with negativity, someone will change the subject to something more uplifting.
- Certified career coach Meredith Walters advises, "It’s important to have positive people you can talk to, who aren’t toxic, about the good things in your life...."
- Don’t hesitate to seek professional support as well. Speaking to a therapist can help you manage the influence of toxic people in your life.
Prepare a strategy to exit if necessary. If you’re dealing with a toxic individual, it’s important to be ready to cut ties completely. While some may recognize their behavior and change, many won't. Often, the best way to regain peace is to remove the toxic person from your life.
- Adult counselor Julia Lyubchenko suggests that "if you have toxic individuals in your life, it might be better to distance yourself from them."
- Licensed professional clinical counselor Jay Reid notes that leaving toxic relationships can be dangerous, stating, "the moment you decide to leave is often the most risky[.]" If you have concerns about your safety or that of your loved ones, reach out to the police, a domestic violence hotline, or other available resources.
Indicators of Toxicity
Self-Absorption A toxic person thinks their needs and desires are the only ones that matter. In any situation, their viewpoint and experience take precedence over all else, and they’re only concerned with their own satisfaction.
- Furthermore, a toxic person often views others as tools for their personal gain. They aren’t interested in your life or well-being; they only care about how they can use you to improve their own circumstances.
Emotionally Manipulative Actions Toxic individuals will manipulate your emotions to ensure that you feel sorry for them. They’ll use guilt trips and gaslighting to control your thoughts and actions, pushing you to do things according to their desires.
- If a toxic person can make those around them feel confused or uncertain, it gives them more power to manipulate everyone involved.
Deception and Dishonesty A toxic person has no hesitation about lying to you, especially if it helps them get what they want. They may also fabricate stories to create conflict with others, or between you and someone else, for no valid reason.
- For instance, a toxic individual might tell you that your sister took your favorite T-shirt, just to spark a fight between you and your sister.
- Toxic people may also lie to gain sympathy and manipulate others into doing things for them. For example, a toxic person might falsely claim they’re terminally ill to guilt their friends into caring for them.
Frequent Irritation or Anger When dealing with a toxic person, you may feel like you’re walking on eggshells, trying not to provoke them. Unfortunately, this doesn’t matter—no matter how careful you are, they will always find something to be angry or upset about.
- In some cases, a toxic person will even get angry about something that directly contradicts their previous anger. For example, your toxic roommate might be furious that you didn’t do the dishes, but later become upset that you cleaned the kitchen without asking for their input first.
Habit of Creating Drama or Conflict A toxic person often thrives on chaos and will stir up conflict wherever they go. By creating drama, they also create opportunities to manipulate others. These individuals may disagree with someone simply for the sake of disagreement.
- They may also pretend to be upset about something they’ve never been bothered by before. This is just another tactic to start a conflict that wasn’t necessary.
Deep-Seated Cynicism A highly cynical person has a pessimistic worldview that permeates every aspect of their life. They complain constantly, never seem content, and always expect the worst from everyone. While they likely don’t trust you, they also seem to need your help at all times. If you refuse to assist them, it only fuels their negative perspective.
- This cynicism can spread if you allow it. Whenever you interact negatively with them, remind yourself of the things in your life that bring you joy. This can help balance out their bleak outlook.
Excessive Need for Attention Toxic individuals are constantly seeking someone to ‘fix’ them or resolve all their issues. The problem, however, is that their problems never truly end. They will always find something new to complain about because they crave your attention.
- These people often feel they require constant emotional support, and their issues are the only way to get it. As a result, they always seem to have some new problem they need help with.
