Buzz
"No one is perfect." "Everyone makes mistakes." We all know this undeniable truth, yet feelings of guilt, regret, and shame about our errors often linger and can even hurt us. Forgiving ourselves is often the hardest form of forgiveness. Whether your mistake is minor or serious, you should accept and let go of your mistake if you want to be happy (and allow those around you to be happy). Always remember: you will make mistakes; but you can move past them; and learn from those mistakes.
Steps
Admit the Mistake
Be honest about your mistake. You can never truly move past a mistake unless you confront it head-on. You need to clearly identify what went wrong, the reasons behind it, and your role in it.
- This is not the time to make excuses. Maybe you were distracted or overworked, but that doesn't change the actual consequences that occurred. Don't try to shift some of the blame to others, even if you could. You should only focus on your role in the mistake, and accept that it's your fault.
- Sometimes we view our guilt as a barrier that stops us from accepting the outcome. While we punish ourselves with guilt, others may not feel the need to punish us. If you want to grow, you must accept that the consequences have happened, and punishing yourself won't undo them.
Express your feelings and insights. You might feel embarrassed to admit your mistakes to yourself, let alone to others. Initially, this can be tough, but sharing your mistakes and how you feel about them is often a crucial step toward letting go of guilt and progressing.
- There will come a time when you need to confess to the person affected by your mistake, but before that, it can help to talk with a trusted friend, a therapist, a spiritual guide, or anyone you trust.
- Admitting your mistake, especially telling others, may feel foolish, but this step is often essential to accepting your error.
- Sharing your own mistakes reminds you that everyone makes them; nobody is perfect. We all know this truth, but we easily forget it when confronted with our errors.
Make amends. Once you've admitted your mistake to yourself and to the person harmed, the next step is to try to fix things. In doing so, you might realize that the mistake wasn’t as big of an issue as you once thought, or, if it was significant, making amends can help you resolve it fully.
- Generally, the sooner you make amends, the better. For example, if your mistake led to your company losing a client or revenue, it's best to inform your boss as soon as possible—but give yourself time to figure out how to correct the error. Don’t let the mistake linger unresolved, as this will only prolong your guilt and increase your pain or frustration.
- Sometimes, your mistake may not directly affect anyone, or it may have impacted someone who’s no longer around, so you can’t apologize or make it right. For example, if you were too busy to visit your grandmother, and now she’s passed away, consider offering “continuing restitution” by helping others in similar situations or simply doing good deeds. For instance, you might volunteer at a senior care center or spend time with elderly relatives.
Learn from your mistakes.
Analyze the mistake to extract a lesson. Delving deeply into every detail of a mistake might seem like unnecessary punishment, but thoroughly examining it is often the best way to turn the mistake into a valuable lesson. Most mistakes can be meaningful if you know how to learn from them and improve yourself.
- Identify the root cause of the mistake, such as jealousy (in saying something rude) or impatience (leading to a speeding ticket). Categorizing mistakes into types, such as jealousy or impatience, can help you pinpoint the right solution.
- Remember: Choosing to learn from mistakes is the path to personal growth. Living in guilt or self-contempt will only hold you back.
Develop an action plan. Identifying the cause of the mistake is of course the first step in learning from it. However, it’s not just about saying, 'I won’t make that mistake again,' while lacking the commitment to change.
- You can’t magically learn from mistakes just by analyzing every detail and taking responsibility, although this is an essential part of the process. Think about specific actions you can take differently in that situation, and set clear goals for what you will do differently next time.
- Take the time to write out an 'action plan' for your next encounter with a similar situation. This can truly help you visualize and prepare to avoid repeating the mistake.
- For example, if you forgot to pick up a friend at the airport because you were overwhelmed with tasks, and you couldn't keep track of everything, once you’ve identified the problem (and apologized to your friend!), make an action plan to organize and prioritize tasks when things get too busy. You should also consider strategies for saying 'no' when you have too much on your plate.
Identify the habits that lead to repeated mistakes. Many of our common habits, from overeating to shouting at our spouse for no reason, can be seen as negative habits. To stop repeating mistakes, it’s crucial to recognize and understand the habits causing them.
- You might feel compelled to fix all bad habits at once to transform yourself into a 'new person,' but it's best to take it slow and focus on changing one habit at a time. How successful will you be trying to quit smoking while also spending time with your mom? Instead, try tackling one habit first, then assess whether you're ready to address another one.
- The simpler the change, the better. The more complicated your plan to eliminate a bad habit, the more likely you are to fail. For instance, if you want to wake up earlier because you often miss work or important meetings, try going to bed a little earlier or setting a bedtime 10 minutes ahead of usual.
- Find ways to fill the void left by eliminating a bad habit. Use that time for positive activities like exercising, spending more time with your kids, or volunteering.
Let go of your mistakes.
People who struggle to move past their mistakes often face unrealistic expectations from others. It's admirable to set high standards for your behavior, but demanding perfection from yourself only hurts you and those around you.
- Ask yourself, “Is this mistake really as terrible as I’m making it out to be?” Upon honest reflection, the answer is likely no. If the answer is yes, all you can do is reassure yourself that you will learn from the mistake.
- Be compassionate toward yourself, just as you would for a friend. Consider whether you would treat a close friend harshly for making a similar mistake. In most cases, you would offer compassion and support. So, remember that you are your best friend, and treat yourself with kindness.
Forgive yourself. Forgiving others can sometimes be difficult, but it is often easier than forgiving ourselves—even for small mistakes. As the saying goes, “Before forgiving others, forgive yourself,” so start with yourself.
- You may feel that this is a silly act, but saying the words of self-forgiveness can truly help—just like the phrase, “I forgive myself for spending my rent money on a night out of town.” Some people find it helpful to write their mistake and the words of self-forgiveness on a piece of paper, then crumple it up and throw it away.
- Forgiving yourself serves as a reminder that you are not your mistake. You are not a failure or a flaw. Instead, recognize that you are imperfect, just like everyone else, and that mistakes are an opportunity for growth.
Caring for yourself and those around you. If you're struggling to let go of your mistake, remind yourself that the guilt you're carrying is not good for your health and doesn’t bring happiness to your loved ones. You need to accept your mistake for yourself and your loved ones and work toward finding a way to forgive yourself.
- When you experience guilt, certain chemicals are released in your body, increasing your heart rate, blood pressure, cholesterol levels, and disturbing your digestion, muscle relaxation, and analytical thinking. So, the weight of guilt will not be beneficial for your health.
- The saying “the ox that is tied despises the ox that eats” holds real meaning, as those who don’t allow themselves to move past their guilt often bring those around them down. You may avoid talking to others and criticize people due to your guilt, causing your spouse, children, friends, or even pets to share in that burden.
Keep progressing. Once you have accepted your mistake, do your best to make amends and forgive yourself. Let go of the worry and stop dwelling on that mistake. View it simply as a lesson that helps you become a better version of yourself.
- When your mind starts to wander back to the past mistake and guilt resurfaces, remind yourself that you've already forgiven it. If necessary, say it out loud to reinforce that it's behind you now.
- Some people turn to Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique (PERT) for support. To do this, close your eyes, take a deep, deliberate breath. On the third breath, start imagining someone you love or a peaceful natural scene. As you breathe evenly, explore this 'happy place,' and bring your feelings of guilt into it. Find a way to let go of the guilt and feel at peace in this space, then open your eyes and leave the guilt behind.
- Leaving guilt behind in order to progress will allow you to live a life free of regret. Remember, it’s better to learn from mistakes rather than hold onto regret and avoid moving on. The same principle applies to both children learning to walk or ride a bike and adults facing mistakes: falling down is practice, and getting up to try again is the way to progress.
Advice
- The truth is, when you make a mistake, you gain valuable lessons.
- Taking responsibility is the key to letting go. Yes, it’s hard to admit you're wrong. But doing so shows strength, courage, and affirmation of your own worth. In other words, it’s an act of self-respect. This act also demonstrates that you care about yourself.
