Buzz
Guarding Your Heart While Enjoying the Game with a Player
In the world of dating, it’s only a matter of time before you encounter a player. These individuals aren't typically seeking a committed relationship but may act as if they are, all in an effort to get closer to you. If you're open to a more casual fling and are willing to navigate the experience, we've got the strategies for you. Here’s how to handle a player and ultimately outplay them.
Insights in this article come from our expert holistic love coach and intuitive healer, Kate Dreyfus, founder of Evolve & Empower. Explore the full interview here.
Important Considerations
- Play the elusive game by delaying your responses to texts, making it clear you’re too busy to meet up right away.
- Maintain an air of mystery by keeping certain aspects of your life private. Leave them intrigued by not revealing too much.
- Take charge of the dynamic by suggesting where to meet up and setting your own pace for the relationship.
Actionable Steps
Setting Realistic Expectations
If you're not seeking a serious commitment, dating a player might be your thing. If you're someone who craves true love, emotional connection, and a deep, lasting partnership, a player might not be the right choice for you. However, if you're comfortable with a more casual arrangement and seeing other people, then you might just enjoy the ride. Here’s how to spot a player:
- They avoid discussing the future.
- They don’t appear sincere in their actions.
- They make you chase after their attention.
- They keep their emotions guarded and don’t open up.
Keep your expectations in check. A player might treat you to romantic dinners, steal kisses under the stars, and whisper sweet nothings in your ear, but they won’t be there when you’re sick or need emotional support. Always remember: they’re all about the good times, not the long haul. Protect yourself by keeping realistic expectations in mind.
- Though some players do eventually settle down, that’s far from the norm.
Be open to seeing other people. If you tend to get jealous easily, dating a player may not be ideal for you. However, if you're fine with casual flings and don't mind the idea of your player seeing other people, you'll likely have a smoother experience. The key is not to show jealousy—if you do, they’ll quickly lose interest.
- If you start acting possessive or suspicious, a player will likely pull away, sensing that the situation is no longer fun for them.
Stick to casual dates without strings attached. Players aren’t interested in making big relationship moves. Don’t expect them to want to commit to things like moving in together, meeting your friends and family, or doing activities that imply a deeper connection. If they aren’t on the same page, pushing for commitment will only make them retreat further. It’s perfectly natural to want a committed relationship, but it’s unlikely you’ll get that from a player.
- Instead, let the relationship progress naturally. When the time is right, you’ll both grow closer. If you feel like you’re always pressuring them, it’s a sign you want more than they’re willing to give, and it might be time to move on.
Don’t overanalyze the player’s actions. Resist the urge to read too much into every text, call, or social media post. Keep things light and carefree, and you’ll save yourself from unnecessary stress. For instance, if they show up late to your date, give them a playful reprimand, but don’t let it ruin your evening. Remember, players run on their own schedule.
- Being with a player is about enjoying the moment without expecting the same level of commitment you’d get from a serious partner. Holding them to those expectations will only lead to disappointment.
Keep a healthy distance from the player. The key to handling a player is not letting them invade your heart or mind. Don’t fantasize about vacations together or imagine them as the ideal partner for your future. Remind yourself that this is a temporary arrangement to avoid any emotional investment.
- If you start feeling lonely when they’re not around or wondering about their whereabouts, it’s a sign you might be getting too emotionally attached. If this happens, it’s time to step back and reassess your involvement.
Establish clear boundaries with the player. From the start, make it clear what’s acceptable and what’s not. For example, you may not be okay with them disappearing for hours without notice or checking out other people when you're together. Communicate your boundaries and consider walking away if they don’t respect them.
- “I know we’re keeping things casual, but I’d prefer if you didn’t check out other women when we’re hanging out. It makes me uncomfortable.”
- “If you can’t make it to our date, a quick text would be appreciated. I don’t mind if you’re running late, but I need to know if you’re not showing up at all.”
- “I understand this is mostly physical, but I’m not comfortable being just a booty call. I’d like to go on a proper date before heading back to your place.”
Mastering the Art of Dealing with a Player
Outplay a player at their own game. If you’re committed to dating a player, you can play the game too, if that’s what you want. If they’re seeing other people, why not do the same? If they go out without telling you where they’re going, you can choose to do the same. You don’t have to play a player if that’s not your style, but it’s a fun way to keep them on their toes.
- However, if you’ve discovered that you’ve been unknowingly dating a player and you prefer monogamy, it’s important to express how hurt you feel. That being said, don’t feel pressured to respond in kind if it’s not true to your nature.
Play hard to get to capture their interest. If they think you're always available, there's no reason for them to pursue you. To play it cool, don’t rush to answer every call or be there at their beck and call. If they ask you out last-minute, don’t always say yes. Flirt with them, but never give them the impression that you’re easily won.
- Compliment their looks or personality, but hold off on telling them you’re in love with them (or even that you like them).
- Make them put in the effort. Have them take you out on planned dates and show that you’re not just a casual fling.
Keep your defenses up. Don’t allow a player to figure you out completely. Share some details, but don’t lay bare your entire life story, or you’ll likely regret it. Don’t lie about your feelings, but don’t become an open book either, unless you're prepared for the potential emotional fallout. If they start to open up, respond in kind, but pace yourself.
- It can be tempting to let your guard down, especially when you’re falling for someone, but the more you reveal, the harder it will be when the relationship ends. Share your thoughts, but keep your deepest secrets to yourself.
Maintain your independence and your passions. Don’t let your world revolve solely around your new partner. Keep in touch with your friends, and spend time on activities you love, whether it’s yoga, painting, or anything else that makes you feel fulfilled. Don’t forget the importance of having your own life and not sacrificing it for someone else.
- Friends are your anchor, and they’ll help you stay grounded. Never lose sight of the things that make you, you.
- Engaging in your hobbies allows you to keep your sense of identity. Don’t neglect your own interests just to please the player.
Don’t rely on the player for all your quality time. While a player may be available for an occasional night out, they’re not the one you can count on for lazy TV days or spontaneous lunch dates. If you’re someone who thrives on constant connection, a player might not be the right match for you.
- Instead, balance your time by hanging out with friends or spending some solitary time to recharge. You'll feel much better and more at peace that way.
Be cordial with their friends. If they’re a true player, their friends may not invest much energy in getting to know you, as they’ll likely see you as just another passing fling. However, if you do meet them, keep it friendly and polite without delving too deep. Even players care about how their friends perceive their partners, so try to make a positive impression.
- Even if their friends aren’t your favorite people, it doesn’t hurt to be courteous. Saying hello and asking how they’re doing will make the whole situation more relaxed and enjoyable for you.
Take charge of the relationship. Don’t let your date be the one making all the decisions. A player might think they can control where you meet or what you do, but it’s essential to show them you have your own preferences. They can choose the spot once in a while, but take the lead when it comes to setting up dates and meeting on your terms. When you maintain control, you send the message that you’re not easily swayed.
- If the player believes they have you wrapped around their finger, they’ll lose interest faster than if they realize you’re the one steering the ship.
Keeping a Player Engaged
Don’t limit your options. That’s right. To keep a player intrigued, don’t put all your attention on them alone. Make it clear that you're open to meeting others and that you're not shutting yourself off just for them. If you're looking for something more than casual fun and know the player isn’t offering that, there’s nothing wrong with seeing other people while continuing to have fun with them.
- In fact, keeping your options open increases your chances of meeting someone more aligned with what you're looking for. If you become too involved with a player, you might miss out on a better match.
Keep the player guessing. Keep their interest by making them feel like they never fully know what you’re about. Challenge them, contradict them, and don’t let them think they can show you everything. Show them that you’re just as capable and want them to step up their game.
- If they tease you, don’t hesitate to fire back with a witty reply. If they talk sports, drop some knowledge of your own to keep them on their toes.
Stay a little mysterious to keep the player intrigued. Players aren’t interested in someone who lays everything out for them. Keep some things to yourself and don’t reveal every little detail. If you're meeting a friend, don’t name names. If you had a lot of moves as a child, just mention it without going into the specifics. If you're running late, don’t always feel the need to explain why.
- While you don’t need to turn into a spy, work on being less transparent so the player has to work harder to get to know you.
Reduce how often you communicate with the player. Don’t feel the need to call or text them daily to check in or to tell them you’re thinking about them. Reach out when you genuinely feel like it, but make sure the effort to connect is balanced. By limiting your communication, you'll demonstrate that you have a fulfilling life beyond them, which will only make them more intrigued by you.
- In general, try to keep your texting and calling frequency similar. If they’re the ones reaching out a lot, make sure to initiate contact at least a few times to keep things fair.
Let them see you enjoying yourself with others. Dance with other potential dates, and if you're in an open relationship, allow them to treat you to dinner as well. Don't do it with the sole intention of making the player jealous, but don’t hide your activities from them either.
- However, be cautious about using others to provoke jealousy. Remember, people have feelings too, and they wouldn’t appreciate being used to get back at the player.
End things when you're ready for something more serious. While spending time with a player can be fun, there will come a point when you have to walk away if you're looking for something deeper. The most common reason for ending things is that you start to get emotionally involved without getting the same from them. Be honest with yourself and don’t delay ending things if you're yearning for a more committed relationship.
- Trust your intuition. If you’re starting to feel heartache, chances are you're right. If you realize that your feelings are becoming stronger than the player’s, it’s time to say goodbye.
-
Remember, actions speak louder than words. Pay attention to what they do, not just what they say.
Warnings
- Pay attention to the warning signs and be honest with yourself. A player will always cause more pain than enjoyment.
