Buzz
The thrill of falling for someone can be incredibly exciting. However, when those feelings are directed towards someone unattainable, such as a married colleague, the once magical emotions can quickly turn into a heavy burden. Have you developed feelings for a married coworker? Don’t worry! We’ve compiled expert advice to help you navigate this tricky situation.
This article is based on an interview with Jessica Engle, a relationship and marriage counseling expert. View the full interview here.
Steps
Remind yourself of the risks to your career
Check your company’s policies on workplace relationships. Whether the person is married or not, getting romantically involved with a colleague can lead to complications. If you feel compelled to pursue this relationship, ask yourself how it might affect your professional life. If your career is a priority, focus on the potential downsides to gain a balanced perspective.
- For example, some companies strictly prohibit employees from dating each other. If this is the policy at your workplace, consider whether it’s worth risking your job for a fleeting emotional connection.
- Even if your company is more lenient about office romances, think about the broader consequences. Could this create tension among other coworkers? How would you handle office gossip or rumors?
Ask yourself what might happen if you move forward
Carefully consider the consequences to resist temptation. Take a moment to visualize your relationship with your colleague. If the two of you are already friends, how might this romantic involvement affect them? What impact could it have on their marriage? If something were to happen between you, how would you feel about them and about yourself?
Limit the time you spend around that person
Resist the temptation to socialize with them outside of work. The more time you spend around the person you have feelings for, the harder it becomes to overcome those emotions. Limiting your interactions with a colleague can be challenging, but try to keep them brief and professional. Avoid socializing with them as much as possible.
- For example, avoid joining weekend outings organized by coworkers if your crush will also be there.
- If possible, limit even workplace interactions with them. Don’t linger with them in the break room during lunch, for instance. And if you can, avoid volunteering for projects where you might have to work closely with them.
Set clear boundaries for yourself
Identify behaviors that might push you toward acting on your emotions. Once you recognize these behaviors, make a firm commitment to avoid them. Find practical ways to enforce these boundaries. Be gentle but resolute, and strive to act consistently.
- For example, you might tell yourself, 'I won’t indulge in fantasies about my colleague. If I start having romantic thoughts about them, I’ll take a few deep breaths or sip some water and wait for the feelings to pass.'
- Or, if you notice your heart racing every time you scroll through their Facebook profile, consider unfriending or blocking them to remove the temptation.
Find ways to distract yourself
Focus on activities that bring you joy and happiness. When you’re infatuated with someone, it can be hard to think about anything else. The next time you catch yourself daydreaming about your colleague, redirect your thoughts. For instance, you could engage in a hobby, watch a funny movie, or call a friend.
- By doing things you enjoy, you can also avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as emotional eating or obsessing over their social media posts.
Focus on building relationships with others
Make an effort to connect with new people. Meeting others or spending more time with friends and acquaintances can help you break free from obsessing over your colleague. Plus, if you’re looking for love, expanding your social circle increases your chances of finding someone who’s available! For example, you could try:
- Joining a club or volunteer group with people who share your interests.
- Signing up for a class at a community center.
- Spending more time on fun activities with friends, family, or other colleagues.
- Signing up for a dating app or attending local singles events.
Acknowledge unwanted thoughts when they arise but don’t dwell on them
It’s normal for sexual or romantic thoughts to surface. You might find yourself unexpectedly thinking about or daydreaming about that person without intending to. If this happens, don’t try to fight or push those thoughts away—doing so will only make you more obsessed. Instead, simply acknowledge them without judgment or self-criticism. These thoughts will eventually fade, and your mind will move on to other things.
- Labeling thoughts as they arise can also be helpful. For example, you might say to yourself, 'I’m thinking about that colleague again.'
- This requires patience and practice, so don’t be discouraged if you can’t stop unwanted thoughts from entering your mind. The goal isn’t to eliminate them but to prevent them from controlling you.
Engage in stress-reducing exercises
Relaxation activities can help ease anxiety and tension. Falling for someone you can’t be with is incredibly painful. If you’re frustrated by thoughts of that person arising against your will, take a moment to calm yourself by doing something relaxing, such as meditating or deep breathing. You could also try:
- Writing down your thoughts and feelings in a journal. Putting your emotions and thoughts on paper can make them feel less overwhelming and urgent. You might even write a letter to that person and then discard it.
- Practicing visualization. For instance, imagine yourself lying in a peaceful meadow and gazing at the sky. If an unwanted thought enters your mind, simply let it pass like a cloud.
- Exercising or stretching. This is not only a great way to reduce stress but also helps boost your confidence and redirect your focus away from that person.
Be kind to yourself
View your emotions as strengths rather than weaknesses. Loving someone is inherently beautiful—even if you can’t pursue that love. Don’t blame yourself for having feelings you think you shouldn’t. Instead, reflect on the fact that you’re a deeply emotional person and remind yourself that you deserve to be with someone who can reciprocate your love!
- Treat yourself as you would a close friend in a similar situation. Be patient as you work through your emotions, and try not to be too harsh on yourself.
Give yourself time for your feelings to settle
Remember that the emotions you’re experiencing are temporary. It might feel like you’ll carry this crush forever, but that’s not the case. When emotions surge, allow yourself to feel them—but reassure yourself that things will eventually change. Be patient with yourself and keep moving forward.
- When you develop feelings for someone you see daily, like a colleague, it may take longer for those emotions to fade. Even so, as long as you don’t act on them, you’ll eventually move on.
Identify what draws you to them
This is also an opportunity to understand yourself better. For example, if your colleague possesses qualities you admire, view your crush as a chance to clarify what you want in a future partner. You might also ask yourself if there’s another reason behind your infatuation—are you drawn to unavailable people because it feels safer than pursuing someone you could truly connect with?
- Once you’ve identified the reasons for your crush, consider possible solutions. For instance, you could seek out people with similar traits to date or work on addressing any underlying insecurities or needs driving your attraction.
Seek therapy if you feel overwhelmed
Reach out for help if you’re truly stressed. Having feelings for someone who’s already in a committed relationship can be incredibly challenging to overcome. If these emotions are interfering with your work, other relationships, or daily life, consider contacting a doctor or counselor. They can help you develop healthy coping mechanisms and provide guidance on navigating your situation.
- Sharing your feelings with a trusted friend or family member can also be beneficial.
