Buzz
It's common for dating to make people feel uneasy, but it can be particularly challenging for those dealing with anxiety. Thankfully, you can alleviate and conquer dating anxiety by adjusting your mindset, turning your dating experience into something enjoyable and playful. In this guide, we'll show you how to manage anxiety by focusing on building connections, rather than obsessing over finding "the one." We'll also provide practical tools and strategies to take the pressure off and help you handle your feelings of anxiety.
Steps
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Shifting Your Perspective on Dating
Embrace a “practice makes perfect” approach to dating. Think of dating like any other skill—perfection isn’t expected from the start. It’s a skill that develops over time with practice and effort. View each date as an opportunity to refine your skills rather than a measure of success or failure. If something goes wrong, laugh it off and remind yourself that it will make for a great story one day.
- Dating is about discovering whether you enjoy and connect with someone. It’s not a test of your worth as a person. If a date doesn’t work out, it simply means it wasn’t the right match for a long-term relationship.
- Setbacks in dating are natural. Like any skill, progress is not always linear, and obstacles will arise along the way.
- Everyone feels nervous on their first date, and it’s perfectly normal to make mistakes. You’re doing great!
Focus on forming connections with people who interest you. If you feel anxious about dating, it might be because you feel pressure to fall in love or find a partner. Ease this pressure by approaching dating as an opportunity to connect with others. During your date, take time to get to know the person and explore shared interests. The number of dates doesn’t matter—what matters is that you made a meaningful connection.
- To help you, create a list of questions to ask before your date. You might ask, “What excites you the most?” "What do you admire most about your parents?" "What’s the most thoughtful gift you’ve ever received?" or "Tell me about a time when things didn’t go as planned, but it ended up helping you get to where you are now."
Stop expecting to find “the one” on every date. The pressure to fall in love can be overwhelming, which is why it’s natural to feel anxious. However, you may have to meet many people before finding a compatible partner, so give yourself some grace. Allow yourself the time to go on multiple dates as you search for the right one.
- When you meet someone who’s clearly not the right match, consider it a victory—you’ve just learned something important about what you don’t want in a partner!
EXPERT ADVICE
John Keegan
Dating Coach
Dating Coach
Keep in mind, attraction is more than just physical appearance. Look for someone who embodies intelligence, confidence, and kindness. The most important factor in a meaningful relationship is finding someone who shares your values and makes you feel supported and uplifted.
Be your own source of love and validation to ease the pressure. It can sometimes feel like you need a partner to feel whole, but that’s simply not true. The only person who can truly complete you is yourself! Rather than relying on a partner to meet all your needs, focus on discovering what you want and giving it to yourself. This mindset will help you approach dating with a calm, open attitude.
- For example, tell yourself affirmations like, “I am enough,” “I’ve got this,” and “My efforts will pay off.”
- If there’s something you desire, go ahead and get it for yourself. Buy yourself that piece of jewelry you love or start putting money aside for your dream home.
Managing Your Emotions
Give yourself permission to feel your emotions. Allow yourself to experience your emotions and try to identify them. For example, you might feel anxiety, fear, or confusion regarding dating and relationships. Don’t try to suppress these emotions! Acknowledging them is the first step to letting them pass.
- You might say, “I’m feeling afraid because my previous relationship ended badly,” or “I’m worried that all relationships fail because my parents divorced.”
Understand the reasons behind your dating anxiety. Reflect on why you feel nervous and consider past relationships you’ve had or even those within your family. Write down the reasons you believe dating triggers anxiety. Once you identify the root causes, you can start addressing them.
- For example, you may realize that past experiences of being used make you anxious, or you might feel nervous about dating because your older sibling had a difficult breakup.
Express your anxious feelings to manage them better. Keeping your emotions bottled up will only make things worse. Find a way to release your anxiety in a natural way. Here are a few ideas:
- Talk to someone you trust about how you’re feeling.
- Scream into a pillow to release some tension.
- Try shaking your body, working from your shoulders down to your feet, as a way to release anxious energy.
- Write about your feelings in a journal.
Engage in breathing exercises to calm your mind. Try the 4-7-8 breathing method to help release your emotions. Place your tongue against the roof of your mouth, then breathe in through your nose for a 4-count. Hold your breath for a 7-count, then exhale slowly with a whooshing sound for an 8-count. Repeat this cycle 3-4 times without pausing.
- This technique will infuse your body with oxygen, helping you alleviate anxiety and stress.
Exercise regularly to reduce anxiety. Physical activity helps release excess energy and reduces anxiety. It also triggers the release of endorphins, which boost your mood. Pick an activity that you enjoy to make it easier to stick to, such as:
- Joining a recreational sports league.
- Taking a dance class.
- Working out at the gym with a friend.
- Taking walks in nature.
- Going for a run.
- Trying water aerobics.
Enhancing Your Dating Experience
Seek opportunities to connect with others in everyday situations. Take an interest in the people you meet. Ask them questions, find common interests, and stay open-minded. Don’t forget to share something about yourself as well. As you improve your ability to connect with others, dating will feel easier.
- This is all about building connections. As you get better at relating to others, you’ll find dating more comfortable.
- For example, chat with people in line at the store, strike up a conversation in a waiting room, or ask your coworkers out for lunch.
Tip: Try to learn something new from each person you date. This approach will help you focus on understanding them as a person, which may help you feel more at ease.
Experiment with different ways of flirting to connect with others. Flirting allows you to quickly establish rapport and show interest in someone. Since it doesn’t require a date, it’s a great way to ease into dating and overcome anxiety. Here are some simple flirting techniques:
- Laugh and smile frequently.
- Make brief eye contact, then look away.
- Compliment the person.
- Expose your neck subtly.
- Touch the person's arm lightly.
- Mirror their body movements.
- Ask them about a shared interest.
Opt for fun activities on dates to avoid uncomfortable silences. Being seated across from someone can feel nerve-wracking, especially on a first date. Instead of focusing solely on conversation, try planning an activity-based date. This will help you relax and minimize anxiety. Here are some date ideas:
- Go bowling.
- Play mini-golf.
- Catch a concert.
- Take a dance class.
- Attend a cooking class.
- Visit a local festival.
Focus on your date’s actions and words to shift away from your nervous thoughts. Overthinking can heighten your anxiety during a date. To avoid this, pay attention to what your date says and does. Actively listen to their words and reflect back on them. Watch their body language to stay in the moment.
- Let go of worrying about what your date might be thinking—just enjoy the moment together.
- If your date is quiet, ask open-ended questions to encourage conversation. For example, you could ask, “What’s the most exciting aspect of your job?” or “How did you get started with your hobby?”
Keep things light and fun during your initial dates. It’s natural to feel nervous about opening up, but there’s no need to rush into deep conversations. During the early stages of dating, stick to lighter, more enjoyable topics like hobbies and amusing anecdotes.
- For example, instead of discussing past relationships, talk about what’s currently sparking your interest.
Navigate Dating Challenges with Expert Guidance
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Take all the time you need to work through your dating anxieties. You’ve got this!
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Consider going on mock dates with friends to help ease your worries about real ones.
Warnings
- If your anxiety feels overwhelming, it’s a good idea to speak with a therapist who can help guide you in managing it.
