How to Overcome Deep Regret

Everyone faces regret and sorrow at some point in life. Regret is an emotion and thought pattern in which a person becomes consumed by, or repeatedly reflects upon, an event, reaction, or action they believe they should have taken. Regret can become a painful burden, overshadowing present happiness, causing sadness, and controlling your future. Futile regret can also hinder your progress. If you are struggling with this issue, it is important to acknowledge your feelings of regret, learn to forgive yourself, and move forward.

Understand what regret is. Regret is a deep thought or feeling in which you blame yourself for past events. Useful regret can help you learn how to change your future behavior. However, useless regret, when you entirely blame yourself, can lead to chronic stress and numerous health problems.

• Regret can arise from things you did or didn't do. For example, you might regret how you acted during an argument, or you might regret not seizing a career opportunity.

Identify your feelings of regret. These emotions differ from person to person but often include sadness, loss, remorse, anger, shame, and anxiety. It's important to recognize the emotions linked to regret. For example, you may recall an event from your past and find yourself obsessively thinking about it all day. This can create feelings of failure and hopelessness. You might feel guilty about something you said or did, or something you wish you'd done differently to alter your current situation.

• Constantly ruminating on regret can lead to anxiety, which can cause you to worry about future decisions that may later evoke regret.

Reflect on the source of your regret. Think about the reasons behind your feelings of regret. There are many different causes for regret. Typical reasons for regret include:

• Lifestyle: Many people regret moving to a different country or wish they hadn’t turned down the opportunity to buy a house. For example, you left Vietnam to move to the U.S. in search of a better life, but after a few months, you realize that finding a job is tough, you don’t have street experience, and you miss home every day. You now regret making that decision.
• Career: People often regret not pursuing a different career path or not accepting a job offer or promotion. For example, you feel exhausted from going to work every day and often wish you hadn’t declined the opportunity to co-own a business.
• Family: People may regret not resolving conflicts with family or friends, especially if the person has passed away. They may also regret not spending more time with elderly family members. For example, you had to go abroad because of your spouse’s job, and you were unable to stay in touch with your grandmother through phone calls or visits. Now that she has passed away, you regret not making more effort to stay in contact.
• Children: Some people regret having children, particularly if they did it to fulfill their partner’s wishes. After a year, they feel unhappy with parenthood, and their relationship with their partner is struggling. You might even wish you had chosen to raise a dog instead. However, keep in mind that many parents experience depression after childbirth. Seek professional help if you think you're facing this issue.
• Marriage: People sometimes regret the timing or choice of their spouse. Many even regret getting married. For example, you married your spouse because your family approved of them, but after five years, you realize you are not compatible. You often wonder how life would be if you had married your long-time love, whom your family disapproved of.

Use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT teaches you how to change your habits and thought patterns. You can quickly begin transforming feelings of regret, shame, and anger. Instead, you will focus on healing harmful, unhelpful thoughts in your mind.

• CBT helps reduce and replace feelings of regret and anxiety rather than just telling yourself to stop thinking about the past.

Write about your regret. When feeling regretful, people often ask themselves “why” they acted or didn’t act in a certain way, and they tend to get stuck in this process. List your regrets and any questions you continually ask yourself. For example, you may wonder why you acted in a particular way. Re-read your list and change the "why" questions to "what happens next?" This approach will help you move beyond the feeling of being stuck.

• For example, instead of obsessing over “Why did I snap at my child last week?”, you could ask “What happens next?” and answer by recognizing that after work, you weren’t very patient. In the future, you might want to take a 5-minute break before engaging with your child.

Learn from your experiences. Regret can serve as a valuable learning tool for the future. You should try to draw lessons from life and recognize that they can make you wiser. For example, if you regret not respecting your spouse, you can learn that disrespecting your partner makes you feel bad. This will help you become a more experienced partner and a better person in general.

Apply the lessons learned. What you regret can also be something you've learned about yourself and others. This understanding can help reduce the risk of repeating the same mistakes in the future. Remember to apply the lessons you’ve gained.

• For example, if you’ve learned that disrespecting your spouse makes them feel untrustworthy, you should avoid repeating this behavior in the future.

Control how regret influences your future. Although you cannot change what happened in the past, you can choose how the past affects your present and future decisions.

• For instance, you can't change how much or how often you drank alcohol in college, but you can choose not to let that regret make you feel guilty now or affect your future decisions.

Recognize useless regret. Beating yourself up over things beyond your control is often pointless regret. However, it can be constructive if you use it as motivation for self-improvement or action based on new opportunities. Once you recognize that you've missed an opportunity, whether in education, finances, or relationships, it becomes easier to correct mistakes in the future.

• If you notice yourself hesitating to take new opportunities, ask yourself whether you’d rather keep worrying about missed chances or embrace the new ones. By trying something new, you're minimizing future regret.

Develop empathy for others. You are not alone in feeling regret over something. Take a moment to consider the struggles others may also be facing. This practice will push you to challenge your own biases and truly listen to others.

• For instance, if you regret overindulging during your college years, you may better understand your son’s feelings after he has had an embarrassing night out.

Turn regret into gratitude. You might find yourself reflecting on regrets with thoughts like, "I should have..." "I could have..." "I can’t believe I..." or "Why didn’t I..." Change these thoughts into expressions of gratitude. This will shift your perspective on the past and help you reduce regret. When you express regret, replace it with a statement of appreciation. This method can guide you toward thinking about the past more positively.

• For example, change "I should have gone to college" into "I’m grateful that it’s never too late for me to pursue higher education". Or, alter the thought "I should have tried harder to stop drinking" to "I’m grateful that I now have the opportunity to make better choices."

Learn to forgive yourself. Regret can cause resentment towards yourself and others. Instead, focus on learning to forgive yourself. This approach not only minimizes regret but also enhances self-esteem, which is essential for many areas of life, including relationships.

• Don’t simply try to dismiss regret. Acknowledge your mistakes and feelings, and allow yourself to move forward.

Write a letter to yourself. Writing a letter to yourself is a powerful tool for self-forgiveness. This emotional and cognitive practice helps heal feelings of regret. Write a letter to your younger self, or to your past self, as if you were speaking to a close friend or your children.

• Remind your younger self that you deserve the best things in life, even if you've made mistakes, because being human means making errors—it's perfectly normal.

Affirm yourself daily. Affirmations involve using positive statements to encourage, uplift, and show compassion to yourself. Compassion helps you empathize with yourself and forgive your past actions. You can talk to yourself, write, or simply think about these affirmations. Here are a few examples:

• I am a good person, and I deserve the best, no matter what my past may look like.
• I am human, and every human makes mistakes—this is a natural part of life.
• I have learned so much from my past, and I deserve to have a bright future ahead of me.

• You cannot change what has happened in the past, but you can choose how it affects your present and future.
• Remember that sometimes you may be too hard on yourself.
• Visualize yourself taking action and making fresh starts as you move forward and leave regret behind.
• Consider finding a support group or a counselor to explore ways to alleviate your regret.
• Help others by volunteering or supporting charitable programs to take a break from your own life for a while.
• Write about your feelings toward someone you despise, then crumple the paper and throw it away forcefully.
• Remember, everyone makes mistakes, and you are not alone in this.

• If at any point your regret turns into severe depression, causing you to withdraw, harm yourself, or contemplate suicide, reach out to a doctor, psychologist, counselor, psychiatrist, a youth hotline, a mental health care hotline, or anyone you trust completely. You are not alone.
• If you regret allowing someone to abuse or sexually assault you, remember that you are not at fault. However, you should report the incident to the police (and inform your parents if you're underage) so they can prevent the perpetrator from causing harm to you or others.