Buzz
Single life can often feel challenging, especially when it seems like everyone around you is in a relationship. To move past feelings of desperation, focus on maintaining your standards, understanding what you truly want, learning to value yourself, and connecting with others in relaxed environments.
Steps
Shifting Your Mindset
Stick to your dating standards. While being single might tempt you to date widely, it’s important to focus on individuals who genuinely intrigue and appeal to you. Identify specific traits you admire in a partner and prioritize those qualities rather than settling for anyone available.
- For instance, you might prefer someone who is attractive, ambitious, and shares your hobbies. Even if finding such individuals feels challenging, resist the urge to compromise your standards simply for the sake of having a date.
Identify what you seek in a partner. Understanding your preferences can guide you in selecting potential partners thoughtfully. Without clarity, you might end up dating anyone, leading to desperation due to a lack of intentionality in your choices.
- Consider creating a list to outline your desires. Go beyond physical attributes and include shared values, interests, qualities, and other traits. For example, you might prioritize someone who loves dogs or holds an advanced degree.
Practice patience. While it’s natural to desire an immediate connection, building comfort and familiarity in new environments takes time. Whether you’ve joined a dating site, started a new hobby, or frequented a new place, allow sufficient time for others to notice and get to know you.
- Don’t lose hope if nothing happens immediately. Persistence is key—keep returning and engaging.
Stay true to yourself. Desperation can sometimes lead singles to pretend to be someone they’re not. Attending events or pretending to enjoy activities you dislike only adds stress and may result in mismatched connections.
- Be authentic about your likes, dislikes, and preferences, both in person and on your dating profile.
- It’s fine to date someone with different interests, but avoid faking enthusiasm just to impress.
Avoid seeking validation through compliments. Feeling insecure while single might tempt you to seek reassurance from others. Fishing for compliments about your appearance or personality can come across as desperate.
- Phrases like, “How do I look in this dress?” or “What do you think of my new hairstyle?” are common examples.
- Some resort to self-deprecating remarks, such as, “I feel so unattractive today,” to elicit compliments.
Don’t announce your single status to everyone. While it’s fine to mention being single in casual conversations, broadcasting it to everyone you meet can make you appear desperate.
- Share your interest in finding a partner selectively with trusted friends rather than making it a public declaration.
Focusing on Yourself
Embrace your alone time. For those in relationships, solitude is often a rare luxury. Recognizing this can help you appreciate being alone and make the most of your solo moments.
- Create a list of activities you enjoy and dedicate your alone time to them. This could include baking, knitting, painting, playing an instrument, or reading.
- Sometimes, difficulty being alone stems from childhood experiences—perhaps you lacked the connection and care you needed. Reconnecting with your inner child and nurturing that part of yourself can help ease these feelings.
Treat yourself. Being single means you’re primarily responsible for your own happiness. Use this freedom to make decisions solely for yourself and indulge in activities you’ve always wanted to try.
- For instance, invest in a car you love, save for a home, or travel to a dream destination. Explore new hobbies, pursue further education, or take a class. Make this time about fulfilling your personal desires.
Engage in your passions. Rather than spending nights at bars or feeling down at home, channel your energy into activities you love. This not only boosts your happiness but also helps you avoid desperation. Pursuing your interests can also open doors to meeting like-minded individuals.
- Attend sports events, concerts, join a book club, or participate in board game groups. Rekindle hobbies like knitting or hiking. Focus on what excites you rather than your relationship status.
Practice self-love. While it’s natural to desire a loving relationship, it’s equally important to focus on loving yourself. Self-acceptance and self-love reduce the desperation to be in a relationship.
- Many who feel desperate to be with someone often struggle with self-worth. Remind yourself that you are enough. True love for others begins with loving yourself.
- Consider dating yourself. Dress up, dine at unique restaurants, and give yourself compliments and gifts. Plan a weekly self-date—get dressed up, visit a special place, or prepare a gourmet meal, and celebrate yourself.
EXPERT TIP
John Keegan
Dating Coach
Dating Coach
Prioritize personal growth before pursuing a relationship. Achieving personal fulfillment and a strong sense of self lays the foundation for a healthier partnership. A partner should enhance your life, not define it.
Recognize that your life is already complete. Many singles believe their lives lack meaning without a relationship or that their lives can’t truly begin until they find someone. Shift this mindset. A single life can be rich and fulfilling.
- Reflect on the positives in your life. List things you enjoy, appreciate, and take pride in. This exercise can help you realize the value and significance of your current life.
Don’t neglect your friendships. While you may crave a romantic relationship, it’s important not to abandon your friends. Avoid skipping out on social gatherings with friends just to search for a partner or forgetting about them once you start dating. Strive for balance and continue nurturing your friendships.
- Friends may not provide romantic fulfillment, but they offer support, understanding, and companionship, which are invaluable, especially when you’re single.
- Don’t overlook the joy and fulfillment that friendships bring simply because you’re focused on finding a partner.
- Strengthen bonds with existing friends and family, and consider expanding your social circle. Build a vibrant social life independent of romantic relationships.
Meeting People
Get involved in volunteering. Volunteering is an excellent way to connect with like-minded individuals. If you’re passionate about helping others, animals, or your community, volunteering not only boosts your self-esteem but also introduces you to potential friends or partners who share your values.
- Consider volunteering for community organizations, assisting with blood drives, participating in environmental cleanups, or helping at animal shelters. If you’re passionate about a political cause, get involved in advocacy efforts.
Go to social events. Attending events is another effective way to meet people with similar interests. Explore local gatherings that align with your hobbies or passions. Events provide opportunities to socialize, make new friends, and potentially meet someone who shares your interests.
- Examples include community festivals, concerts, museum exhibitions, theater performances, or sports games.
Explore a new hobby. Trying something new enriches your life by introducing fresh experiences and skills. Even if the hobby doesn’t become a long-term interest, the experience is valuable. Additionally, new hobbies create opportunities to meet people in a relaxed and enjoyable setting.
- Engaging in new activities helps you connect with others, potentially leading to meaningful relationships with those who share your interests.
Engage with others socially. When attending events, avoid standing on the sidelines observing without interacting. Don’t limit yourself to approaching only those you find attractive. Instead, mingle with everyone—talk to people of all genders and ages, be approachable, and foster connections.
- This approach broadens your social circle and increases the chances of meeting potential partners.
- If your social network is limited, consider using online dating platforms. Alternatively, if time is a constraint, hiring a matchmaker could be a viable option.
Join the Discussion...
I'm in my late 20s and have never been in a serious relationship. I'm just tired and frustrated. I don't know where to meet people and I'm not good at talking to new people. Should I just give up even trying?
Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Psychotherapist
Being single doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong! Being single gives you a chance to really love yourself so that, when you're ultimately in a relationship, you're not dependent on the other person to make you happy. It's of prime importance that you really be happy with yourself. That might look like embracing the things that you've wanted to do, going back to some hobbies, or writing a gratitude list every day about what you love about yourself. All the things that go into loving yourself and being happy with yourself are really key.
However, there are two sides to every coin. A lot of people who are single don't want to be single. And that's fine. It's just where you are now, so how can you embrace it? Think about how there are things that you can do as a single person that you can't do as part of a couple, and embrace those types of things. For example, if you'd like to travel alone, do it! Look at all the positives, and enjoy the single life while you can. You'll get into a relationship when the right person comes along!
However, there are two sides to every coin. A lot of people who are single don't want to be single. And that's fine. It's just where you are now, so how can you embrace it? Think about how there are things that you can do as a single person that you can't do as part of a couple, and embrace those types of things. For example, if you'd like to travel alone, do it! Look at all the positives, and enjoy the single life while you can. You'll get into a relationship when the right person comes along!
John Keegan
Dating Coach
Dating Coach
The primary issue is the overwhelming number of distractions today. Platforms like TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter constantly pull people's attention in countless directions. These apps create the illusion of social and dating activity, making users feel engaged through swiping or messaging, yet often without real-life interactions. This disconnect prevents meaningful connections from forming.
Additionally, many online videos present unrealistic, over-sexualized portrayals of life, distorting expectations. Instead, we should focus on simpler, genuine experiences—like meeting someone who truly understands you, having meaningful conversations, enjoying a walk or coffee together, and planning a future. These authentic moments are often overshadowed by the fast-paced, superficial nature of modern life.
Society has evolved, allowing people to live non-traditional lifestyles, such as traveling the world while earning a living. However, this nomadic approach can complicate relationships. The abundance of distractions and perceived endless options further exacerbate the issue. For instance, someone with a highly curated online presence might receive countless offers, making it harder to commit to a real, grounded relationship. The allure of endless possibilities can diminish the appeal of traditional, committed partnerships.
Additionally, many online videos present unrealistic, over-sexualized portrayals of life, distorting expectations. Instead, we should focus on simpler, genuine experiences—like meeting someone who truly understands you, having meaningful conversations, enjoying a walk or coffee together, and planning a future. These authentic moments are often overshadowed by the fast-paced, superficial nature of modern life.
Society has evolved, allowing people to live non-traditional lifestyles, such as traveling the world while earning a living. However, this nomadic approach can complicate relationships. The abundance of distractions and perceived endless options further exacerbate the issue. For instance, someone with a highly curated online presence might receive countless offers, making it harder to commit to a real, grounded relationship. The allure of endless possibilities can diminish the appeal of traditional, committed partnerships.
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