How to Overcome Envy

No matter how much you try to hide it with a smile, envy is always present inside you. It can even get out of control and turn into jealousy or even depression. So, before it completely consumes you, what can we do to eliminate it? Learning how to stop comparing yourself to others, appreciating what you have, and practicing these tips to change your perspective can help you effectively deal with envy. Let's explore more to understand how to overcome your own envy.

Know the difference between envy and jealousy. They are not the same, but they are often confused. Understanding the distinction between envy and jealousy is crucial to identifying your emotions. Jealousy is your reaction to the threat of losing something that belongs to you. Envy, on the other hand, is your response to something you feel you are lacking.

• For instance, jealousy is when you discover your girlfriend flirting with another guy. Envy is when you see a friend driving a brand-new sports car.

Consider the harms of envy. How does envy negatively impact your life? Perhaps a long-term relationship is on the verge of breaking due to your inability to appear happy for your best friend any longer, leading you to avoid her calls. You might obsessively check your ex's Facebook just to stare at pictures of him and his fiancée. Or you could feel resentment while reading a classmate's blog, wishing you had the same artistic talent as they do. These are all examples of how envy wastes energy that could be better spent on more positive activities. Envy can harm you in the following ways:

• Wastes your time
• Prevents you from thinking about anything else
• Destroys personal and professional relationships
• Damages your character
• Creates negativity within you

Identify the reasons behind your envy. Before you can constructively confront envy, it's important to understand its source. If you feel envious of a friend's new sports car, take the time to ask yourself why.

• For example, do you simply want the same car? Or is it because his ability to afford expensive items makes you feel envious?

Write down your feelings. Writing is a great way to express your emotions and deal with negative feelings. Writing can help you begin to understand your own envy and, in turn, help you confront it. Start by noting why you feel envious. Describe the source of your envy in as much detail as possible. Try to pinpoint what made you feel envious toward someone.

• For example, you might write about your friend's new sports car and how it made you feel. What was your mood at that moment? How did you feel when he braked and stopped? What did you want to do or say? What did you actually do or say? How did you feel when he drove away? Now that you look back on it, how do you feel? What would you want your feelings to be?

Consider discussing your envy with a friend. Talking to a supportive friend or a family member can help you express your emotions and feel better. Choose someone who is not too connected to the person you envy. It's important that the person you talk to will listen and support you. Choosing someone who doesn't care or isn't supportive could make you feel worse.

If you can't overcome envy on your own, consider seeking help from a doctor. For some people, envy can affect their happiness and daily life. Without assistance, understanding and finding the best way to cope with these emotions may be very challenging. A licensed therapist can help you understand and overcome these feelings.

Stop judging yourself harshly. Envy often stems from dissatisfaction with oneself. You tend to focus on how others have what you desire—career, partner, profession, or intellect. These desires arise from your sense of personal deficiency. Try not to be so hard on yourself, and you’ll stop the unfair comparisons with others’ situations.

• For example, you may envy a friend's flourishing career while you're still at the early stages. Be more patient with yourself—keep working hard, and success will eventually come your way.
• Generally, envy comes from hasty judgments—thinking this is better than that and making decisions based on what you lack. Try to be more open-minded rather than having a biased view of what qualities are considered good and which are not.

Forgive the person you envy, and forgive yourself. Forgiveness is an essential part of overcoming envy because being angry at someone for their success only weighs you down further. One way to cope with envy is by declaring forgiveness for the person you envy (without their presence) as well as for yourself. Simply take some time alone and say the words of forgiveness.

• Remember, you’re not forgiving the other person for wronging you. You choose to stand in their shoes and view the situation from their perspective. This way, you can sincerely empathize with their pride and sense of achievement.
• For instance, you might say something like: “I’m proud of Trang for being so successful in her career. I also forgive myself for being slower than her in my own career progression.”

Turn envy into recognition. To overcome envy, it's important to appreciate both what you have and the achievements of others. You can start by shifting your perspective and learning to acknowledge others' success or good fortune. Make it a habit to feel happy for others when they achieve or obtain something that makes you envious. For example, try feeling happy for your friend when they buy a new sports car, shifting from envy to admiration.

• Expressing admiration might help. For example, you could say to your friend: “Congratulations on the new car! I’m really happy for you and your success.”

Use envy to set goals for yourself. Once you’ve identified the source of your envy, you can constructively cope with it by turning it into something positive, such as a goal. Use envy to form realistic, achievable goals that will stop you from sinking deeper into negative feelings and instead energize you to improve your life.

• For example, if you're envious of your friend's new sports car because you wish you had the financial freedom to buy such items, set a goal to earn and/or save more money.
• Break down large goals into smaller, measurable ones. For instance, if your goal is to earn and/or save more, one of your smaller goals might be to find a higher-paying job or seek career advancement opportunities. Another smaller goal could be to save 400,000 VND every week.

Live based on your own definition of success. Do you measure yourself and others based on superficial ideas of success? Success doesn’t necessarily mean owning a mansion, a car, holding a powerful position, or being so beautiful that everyone admires you. Success is about discovering the life that’s best for you and fully enjoying it. If you stop caring about society’s standards of success and instead focus on the things that bring you joy every day, you’ll stop frequently comparing yourself to others.

• Remember, it’s perfectly fine not to be on the same level as others. For example, just because you haven’t found the right job or partner yet doesn’t mean you’re inferior to the person you envy. Life isn’t a list of things we must accomplish to find happiness. Everyone has their own path, and no path is more important or better than another.

Realize you don’t see the whole story. It may seem like someone has everything—a perfect boyfriend, amazing hair, exactly what you would want. However, the story is always more complex, because no one’s life is perfect. If it seems like someone has everything you want, you might also have things they desire. Don’t elevate others and resent them, assuming they’ve just been lucky. You may never know their weaknesses—they probably do a good job of hiding them—but know they’re there.

• Understand that everyone has struggles, needs, or desires that remind us that we’re all the same. There’s no need to search for others’ weaknesses! Rest assured that there are things you cannot see. Try to set aside your envious thoughts and focus on yourself.

Remember, someone else’s success doesn’t affect your own success. For instance, if an acquaintance starts working out, loses 10 kg, and finishes her first marathon, that’s undoubtedly an amazing achievement, but it doesn’t prevent you from doing the same! Your success in life is not dependent on the success of others. Whether it’s finding love, landing a good job, or anything else, you can achieve it no matter how successful someone else might be.

Focus on your talents and what you have. Now that you’ve stopped comparing yourself to others, focus on yourself. Concentrate on your positive qualities to get better at what you do and who you are. When you devote yourself to mastering a cello piece or writing a brilliant essay, you won’t have time to worry about what others are doing.

• When you catch yourself thinking about what you lack, intentionally redirect your thoughts to what you actually have. Do this whenever you notice signs of envy. By preventing yourself from sinking into jealousy and focusing on what makes you special and wonderful, you’ll start to see things in a much more positive light.
• Recognize that not everyone has what you have – in fact, your talents and possessions might even make others envious.

Be grateful for those you love. Think of those who always care about you and are willing to do anything for you, and think about what you would do for them. Focusing on those who make your life complete is a positive way to eliminate feelings of jealousy. Instead of feeling like something’s missing, be thankful for their presence in your life. This is very close to contentment. It’s about living in the present and focusing on the good you already have, rather than dwelling on what’s lacking in your life.

Change what you can, accept what you cannot. It’s important to understand what you can change and what’s beyond your control. Put your effort into improving what you can and stop wasting time on things you cannot change, because there’s nothing you can do to alter them. If you focus too much on what cannot be changed, you’ll eventually become very negative and might even fall into depression. Time is limited, and you wouldn’t want to waste it on things that are already done.

• For example, if you envy a friend’s musical talent and your biggest wish is to become a singer-songwriter, give it your all. Pour your heart into songwriting, join vocal training, perform at open mic nights – go all out. If you think there’s an opportunity for you to succeed in music or if you feel so passionate about it that you want to dedicate your life to singing, don’t let anything stop you.
• On the other hand, there are things in life that hard work and fierce desire can’t change. For instance, if you fall in love with a friend’s wife and they are a happy couple, you must accept that this is something you cannot change. It’s important to accept reality before jealousy turns into a highly negative force.

Spend time with valuable people. If you’re around people who constantly compare careers, spouses, and children, complain about what they haven’t achieved, and belittle others who have those things, maybe it’s time to start spending time with different people. If you’re frequently around people who don’t appreciate what they have, you’ll start to become like them. Surround yourself with those who are happy with themselves – not the ‘I’m-better-than-you’ type, but those who are content enough not to put others down or constantly compare. Make friends with those who don’t judge superficially, who are generous and kind, and you’ll begin to feel the same way about yourself and others.

Start a gratitude journal. If it's been a while since you’ve thought about the good things in your life, grab a pen and a piece of paper and start writing about them. A gratitude journal is a wonderful way to shift your perspective and appreciate what you have. If writing isn’t your thing, you could try a video blog (like a vlog) or even sketching. Since jealousy stems from an obsession with what we lack, take time to remind yourself of what you already have. Here are some ideas to include in your journal:

• Your talents
• The features you’re most proud of about your appearance
• Your best friend
• Your dog
• Your favorite food
• The things that make you laugh
• Your upcoming future plans
• Your favorite possessions
• Achievements you’ve accomplished

Spend a day thinking only positive thoughts. If you’re someone who feels envious but keeps it to yourself, you may not need this tip. However, if envy is eating away at your character and making you more negative than you'd like, try to spend an entire day without complaining. This isn’t something you have to do forever – after all, it’s okay to feel annoyed from time to time! – but going a whole day without complaining could make you realize just how often you express negativity. If you can make it through the day without uttering a word of complaint, that experience is definitely worth reflecting on.

• During this exercise, refrain from any form of complaint – including negative self-talk. Avoid putting yourself down, making unfair comparisons to others, or wishing things were different.
• You may also notice that complaining affects others around you. It’s not enjoyable being around someone who only sees the worst in things. Adjusting your attitude could improve your relationships significantly.

Remind yourself that you have control over everything. If you often envy what others have, remind yourself that you can have those things too, you’re just choosing not to. For instance, if you really want a designer wardrobe, you could max out your credit card, but you probably don’t want to because you know how to spend wisely. When you make the right choices (like avoiding credit card debt), take pride in these decisions.

Compliment five people each day. Try to do this with five different people every day so you’re not just complimenting the same individuals repeatedly. Compliment someone on the qualities you genuinely admire about them – avoid giving shallow compliments. Take time to identify what you truly appreciate about others and express it. Doing so will help you foster a positive mindset. You’ll no longer find yourself constantly comparing yourself to others as you might have before.

• Studies show that complimenting people you feel envious of can actually benefit you. Find a way to compliment their efforts and contributions that you genuinely value.

Get involved in volunteering. If you can’t seem to get your mind off what you don’t have, spend some time helping those who have absolutely nothing. Sometimes our minds get clouded, and we forget how fortunate we are. Wake yourself up by volunteering at a soup kitchen, hospital, or animal shelter for a day. Then, reflect on your experience. Helping others will remind you of how wealthy you truly are and how much you have to offer to make the world a better place.

• Make a conscious effort to resist the urge to compare yourself to others. Focus on improving yourself rather than trying to be like someone else.
• View envy as an opportunity for self-growth rather than a reason to feel bad about yourself.