How to Overcome Rejection

You must understand that pain is a natural part of the process. The emotional pain following rejection is a natural human response to emotional and physiological causes. Scientific studies have shown that experiencing sudden rejection can trigger various physical symptoms: the emotional pain activates brain cells in the same way as physical pain. In fact, rejection can make you feel like your heart is breaking, literally, because it triggers your sympathetic nervous system, which controls various bodily functions, such as your heart rate.

• Facing rejection in a romantic relationship, such as a painful breakup, can trigger a reaction similar to the withdrawal symptoms experienced by those trying to quit drugs.
• According to some studies, individuals with depression may struggle more when confronted with rejection because depression inhibits the production of opioids, the body's natural painkillers. Depressed individuals may experience deeper and longer-lasting pain from rejection than those who do not suffer from this condition.

Allow yourself to feel sadness. Rejection truly causes pain, both emotionally and physically. Denying or suppressing the pain—for instance, dismissing the hurt of being rejected by your dream university by saying 'it's no big deal'—can actually make things worse in the future. You need to acknowledge that pain is a normal part of overcoming it.

• Society often encourages being 'tough' or 'suppressing emotions' as if truly accepting and expressing your feelings makes you weak. However, this is not true. People who try to hold back their emotions rather than confronting them will struggle more with resolving the issue and may end up harboring more negative feelings.

Express your feelings. Expressing your emotions will help you accept that you're going through something painful. Rejection can create feelings of disappointment, abandonment, and loss, and you may need to go through an initial mourning phase to deal with what is opposite to your hopes. Don’t underestimate or suppress your emotions.

• Feel free to cry if you need to. Crying can genuinely help reduce feelings of anxiety, restlessness, and discomfort. It can also relieve physical tension. So, real men (and even women) cry—and they should.
• Try not to shout or punch something. Scientific studies show that even expressing frustration through hostile actions toward an inanimate object, like a pillow, can actually increase your anger. It’s better to write about your feelings, reflecting on why you're angry.
• Expressing yourself through creative outlets like painting, music, or poetry can be quite helpful. However, try to avoid overly sad or frustrating content, as it could make your emotions worse.

Examine your emotions. It can be quite beneficial to understand why you feel sad after experiencing rejection. Are you disappointed because someone else was chosen for the team instead of you? Are you hurt because the person you're secretly attracted to doesn’t feel the same? Do you feel worthless because your job application was rejected? Reflecting on your feelings can help you understand how to address them.

• Take this opportunity to examine the deeper reasons behind the rejection. This doesn’t mean you have to criticize yourself; rather, it’s about analyzing what you might want to do differently in the future. Whether you find reasons like avoiding self-centered people, submitting homework on time, or practicing harder, these can provide practical steps for action instead of focusing on the rejection itself.

Stick to the truth. It’s easy to undermine your self-esteem after rejection, especially if the rejection is personal, like a romantic one. However, when you reflect on your feelings and thoughts, try to keep your statements as truthful as possible.

• For example, instead of saying 'The girl I like rejected me for prom because I'm fat and ugly,' focus on what you truly 'know': 'The girl I like doesn’t want to go to prom with me.' It’s still rejection, and it still hurts, but the second way of thinking helps you avoid shame or self-criticism, which is an unhealthy way to behave.
• Rejection can actually lower your IQ. So if you find it difficult to think clearly about your feelings, don’t feel too bad about it—it’s completely beyond your control.

Avoid lashing out at others. Because rejection can be so painful, many people respond by getting angry and/or lashing out at others. This can be an attempt to reassert control or demand attention from others. However, this can lead to more rejection and isolation, so even though it’s easy to become angry and aggressive after rejection, try not to do so.

Take ibuprofen or acetaminophen. It may sound surprising, but scientific studies have shown that emotional pain is experienced similarly to physical pain. Therefore, using over-the-counter pain relievers such as Advil or Tylenol for up to 3 weeks has been proven to reduce the emotional pain caused by rejection.

• You should only take over-the-counter pain medication in the recommended dosage and avoid exceeding the suggested amount. You want to treat your pain, not develop another addiction.

Maintain your health. Eat nutritious food and exercise regularly. Avoid using alcohol or other harmful substances as a form of self-medication. Regular physical activity releases natural painkillers in your body, called opioids, so whenever you feel overwhelmed and on the verge of bursting, take a walk, ride a bike, swim, or engage in another activity you enjoy.

• If you're feeling angry because of rejection, try channeling that energy into a more 'violent' physical activity like running, kickboxing, taekwondo, or karate.

Spend time with friends. The biggest side effect of rejection is the sense of losing connection. You should reach out to people who love and support you. Scientific research has shown that positive, healthy interactions with loved ones can enhance your body's recovery ability. Receiving emotional support from friends and family can help you get through the pain of rejection.

Have fun. Distract yourself from the painful thoughts and find ways to immerse yourself in things that make you feel better. Watch a funny show, listen to parody music on a podcast, or go see a comedy film. While fun won't instantly heal your broken heart, it will help reduce anger and boost your positive emotions.

• Smiling is particularly important after rejection because it triggers the release of a chemical known as endorphins, which bring feelings of happiness and well-being. Smiling can even increase your tolerance for physical pain!

Share your feelings about rejection with someone you trust. This could be a close friend, sibling, parent, or therapist. Let them know what happened and how you feel about it. They might share their own experiences of rejection and how they coped with it; this can be incredibly helpful as you learn from their insights.

Practice Self-Compassion. Rejection can significantly affect your self-esteem, making you excessively self-critical over minor mistakes or convincing you that you’ll never be happy or successful. Practicing self-compassion can help you learn to accept mistakes and failures as part of life, rather than obsessing over them. Self-compassion consists of three key elements:

• Be kind to yourself. Being kind to yourself means developing the same kindness and understanding for yourself as you would for a loved one. It doesn’t mean excusing your mistakes or ignoring your issues, but acknowledging that you're not perfect. Loving yourself will also enable you to love others more.
• Common humanity. Recognizing the common humanity aspect means acknowledging that negative experiences, including rejection, are part of being human and not necessarily because of your fault. Understanding this can help you cope with rejection and realize it’s not something unique to you.
• Mindfulness. Practicing mindfulness involves being aware of and accepting your experiences without judgment. Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation, can help you handle negative emotions without focusing too much on them.

Avoid Personalizing Rejection. It’s easy to see rejection as a confirmation of our biggest fears: that we’re not good enough, unworthy of love, or doomed to failure. However, learning not to personalize rejection can help you draw positive lessons from the situation and make it easier to cope.

• Don’t “catastrophize.” Catastrophizing means reacting excessively to mistakes or failures while ignoring your positive traits. If you face rejection in a job interview, it doesn’t mean you’ll never find another job or end up living under a bridge. If you receive negative feedback on an essay or project, it doesn’t mean you can’t learn and improve. Catastrophizing prevents you from seeing that you can learn and grow from experiences—even negative ones like rejection.

Make a List of Your Positive Qualities. Rejection can often leave you feeling demoralized, and the negative voice inside your head can grow louder if you let it. To counter the urge to focus on your flaws, take a proactive approach and make a list of all the wonderful, positive, and strong qualities you possess. Research has shown that reminding yourself consciously of your worth and deserving of love not only helps you bounce back from rejection more easily, but it also builds your ability to recover swiftly from future rejections.

View Rejection for What It Really Is. Rejection is simply a shift in what you hoped to receive, often an unexpected and unwelcome change. But it also provides an opportunity to shift your perspective towards something more constructive. While it may be painful, rejection can guide you toward building resilience and focusing your energy effectively.

• For instance, if you're going through a breakup and your partner has clearly expressed that there’s no long-term future for the relationship, while this rejection stings, it's better to acknowledge it sooner rather than holding on emotionally to someone you’ll ultimately never be compatible with.

Time has a way of healing wounds. This saying exists for good reason – time helps mend emotional scars because, after a while, you'll gain a broader perspective. You may also find opportunities to grow personally, which will allow you to see things from a different angle. It’s challenging to overcome pain, but with time, you'll come to realize that the things you lost were never truly yours to begin with.

Learn something new. Discovering how to do something you've always wanted to try can help restore your sense of achievement and boost your confidence. Whether it's learning to cook, play the guitar, or pick up a new language, it can improve your mood. You might also consider activities like building assertiveness. Many people face rejection because they don't know how to express their desires and needs. You might find that learning how to be more assertive about what you want and need will reduce the chances of being rejected. Sometimes, when you try something new, you may feel self-doubt. Take it slow to avoid overwhelming yourself. If you decide to change multiple aspects of your life, it’s normal to feel inexperienced, which can lead to fluctuating emotions. Push through this and recognize that the “beginner's mind” is actually a positive state, showing that you’re ready to embrace fresh perspectives on everything.

Treat yourself. 'Retail therapy' can actually have positive effects. Studies show that when you go shopping, you often imagine how the things you buy will fit into your new life. Purchasing flattering clothes or getting a new haircut can significantly boost your confidence. However, don’t use shopping as a way to avoid the pain you're feeling, or simply to distract yourself from the issues at hand. Also, avoid spending too much, as this can add to your stress. A few small treats for yourself can lift your spirits, especially when they help guide you towards a brighter future.

You need to remember that not everyone is meant for you. If rejection is personal, such as a breakup or not being chosen for a sports team, you might perceive it as confirmation that you're not good enough. However, by becoming comfortable with yourself and understanding that there are many people in the world who simply aren’t right for you, you can accept their rejection and move on without dwelling on it. Remember: the more you love yourself, the less you’ll rely on the approval of others.

Practice accepting rejection in low-risk situations. Put yourself in scenarios where you face rejection without significant negative consequences or personal impact. This will help you understand that rejection is rarely about your character.

• For example, asking for something that you know will likely be refused, but isn't that important to you, can help you cope with rejection.

Never stop taking risks. People who have faced rejection may develop a fear of risk, leading them to stop trying or avoid engaging with others because they let fear take control of their thoughts. Staying positive and hopeful is crucial when facing rejection.

• For instance, if you're talking with friends and feel rejected in some way, you might “withdraw” from the conversation to protect yourself from feeling hurt. While this action reduces initial discomfort, it also prevents you from connecting with others, which may worsen the situation.
• Remember: you will be rejected 100% of the time for opportunities you don't pursue.

Expect success (but understand you may not always achieve it). Finding a balance can be challenging, but it's essential to maintain mental health after facing rejection. Research shows that whether you believe you'll succeed or fail influences your efforts to reach a goal, impacting your overall performance. Believing in success can drive you to try harder.

• However, it's important to remember that your perspective on success doesn’t determine actual success—only the effort you put in matters. You can still fail at something you feel strongly about, despite your best efforts.
• Understanding that you can only control your actions, not the outcome, helps you avoid personalizing rejection when it occurs. Keep in mind that rejection is a possibility, but always strive regardless of the outcome.

Practice forgiveness. When you're hurt and disappointed by rejection, the last thing on your mind might be forgiving the person who caused you this emotional pain. However, trying to understand their perspective can help you manage your own feelings. Think about why they said 'no.' Often, you'll realize their actions were unrelated to you.

• Remember the words of the basketball legend Michael Jordan: “I have missed 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost nearly 300 games. 26 times, I have been entrusted with taking the game-winning shot, and I have missed. I have failed over and over again in my life. And that's precisely why I succeed.”
• Not all rejections are justified. For instance, if you believe that you were rejected by a company purely due to racial discrimination, you have every right to pursue legal action to ensure things are made right.
• Studies have shown that if you maintain a positive mindset and approach others and situations with the hope of being accepted, you are more likely to receive that acceptance. This does not mean that you will never face rejection, but it does suggest that your attitude can truly impact how others treat you.

• You should manage your emotions, but avoid getting lost in them. Dwelling on negative feelings can prevent you from recovering.
• Avoid anger or aggression, even if you’re in pain. Yelling at others may provide temporary relief, but ultimately, it will cause more harm to both you and the other person.