How to Overcome Selfishness

We all have moments of selfishness. Even though social factors often encourage such behavior, selfishness ultimately harms others and seldom brings any real benefit. Selfish individuals may lose friendships or relationships with loved ones because it is difficult to maintain a bond with someone who is self-centered, no matter how charming or appealing they might be. A truly selfish person may not even realize their selfishness. Many people believe that selfishness and arrogance are virtues, thinking that only fools put others before themselves. If you're worried about being too selfish and want to become more grateful and humble, there are several things you can do.

Practice putting yourself last. If you're selfish, you probably always try to be first in line or take priority. This is something you need to change as soon as possible if you want to lead a more fulfilling and selfless life. The next time you're in a situation—whether it's at a buffet or boarding a bus—pause and allow others to go first, whether it's for food, a seat, or comfort. Stop thinking only about yourself and always demanding to have things first; remember that everyone else is just as special as you, and everyone deserves what they want.

• Try to put yourself last in at least three situations this week. See how you feel when you're not constantly calculating what benefits you can gain.
• Of course, once you find balance, don't always put yourself last, or you may end up being exploited. But this is a good practice if you're used to putting yourself first.
• If you can't put yourself last even once, you may be facing an issue you're unaware of.

Put yourself in someone else's shoes. Spending time understanding someone else's circumstances can change your life forever. While it may be difficult to do in practice, you can start by imagining how those around you might feel in a given situation. Before acting, think about the feelings of your mother, friends, boss, or even a stranger you encounter on the street. You'll realize that life is more complicated than it seems. The more you cultivate empathy and think about what others are going through, the sooner you'll let go of selfishness.

• For instance, before you consider yelling at the server for bringing the wrong dish, think about how she might feel. Perhaps she's exhausted from standing for ten hours, juggling multiple tables, or dealing with personal issues. Is making her scared really worth getting what you want?

Remember, you are not more important than anyone else. Selfish people often think they are the center of the universe, with the world revolving around them. You need to let go of this mindset, much like breaking a bad habit. Whether you're Madonna or any other famous figure, you should see yourself as equal to everyone else, no matter how much money, beauty, or talent you have compared to those around you.

• Practice humility and simplicity. The universe is vast and mysterious, and you are only a small part of it. Don't think you deserve special treatment just because you're 'you.'

Don't let your past define your future. Yes, maybe your friends, colleagues, or neighbors see you as the most selfish person alive. It may feel challenging to break that perception or make others see you differently. But let it go, learn to move forward, and become a new person. Sure, those who know you may be surprised when they see you considering others or when you stop being obsessed with yourself. This gives you even more reason to continue striving to be more selfless.

• Others may doubt your motives when you do something for someone else. This will motivate you to be less selfish. Don't give up and believe that selfishness is your inherent nature that can't be changed.

Ask yourself what you want versus what you need. Selfish individuals constantly chant 'I want, I want, I want...' and believe that everything in the world belongs to them, that they deserve everything they desire. Stop and ask yourself: Do you really need five sweaters, or must you go out to eat or watch a movie with your partner every time? Upon deeper reflection, you'll find that most things you consider essential are, in fact, not that important in life.

• You’ll feel more comfortable simplifying your life and letting go of things you thought you needed. If you only buy one sweater instead of five, you’ll only have to worry about losing one.
• This is a great skill when learning to compromise. You'll find it easier to accommodate others once you realize that your cravings are just temporary desires.
• Remember that selfishness can also manifest in not wanting to spend time with others. Some people may be generous with money but stingy with their time.

Happily give the spotlight to others. Selfish people often struggle when someone else becomes the center of attention because they crave that spot. So, if you want to eliminate selfishness, you must not only step out of the spotlight but also be happy to let others take it. Stop trying to be the bride at every wedding or the deceased at every funeral; let the brides enjoy their special moment in the spotlight. You should feel joy for others' achievements instead of wishing you were the one in their place.

• Push away feelings of jealousy or bitterness, and savor the success of others. If you're always striving to be the most successful, ask yourself if you might be missing something in life that prevents you from feeling content with your own accomplishments.

Accept constructive criticism. Selfish individuals often believe that their way of life is the best, and anyone who offers feedback is either trying to harm them or has ulterior motives. Of course, not every criticism is worth taking to heart, but if you pay attention, you may notice a recurring theme in what others are saying. Want to improve yourself and change your lifestyle? If you think you're already perfect and have nothing to correct, you wouldn't be reading this, right?

• In fact, you could even seek feedback from others when you're facing difficulties, rather than simply accepting it when it comes. This requires courage and self-confidence.

Create a gratitude list. Make it a habit to write down everything you're grateful for every Sunday or at least once a week. Take time to reflect on all the things that make your life so wonderful. Stop focusing solely on what you don't have or constantly wishing for things you can't have, and don't let the “what if” thoughts ruin your days and life. Think about the good things in your life, from health to friends, and be thankful for everything you have.

• Selfish people are never satisfied and always want more. To stop living selfishly, you must begin to acknowledge the wonderful things you already have in life. All the joys and gifts that come your way will feel like a bonus.
• Time should also be considered. You should recognize the time you've spent on yourself and be willing to sacrifice some of your free time to help others. If you continue to refuse to spend time on others, you'll gradually lose your friends.

Help friends selflessly without expecting anything in return. If you're helping friends just so they'll return the favor later, that's selfish too. Help others simply because they need it, or because it brings you joy to do good. If you want to get rid of selfishness, seek opportunities to help your friends without any hidden agenda. Surely you don’t want to be known as the person who only helps others when you expect something in return; that’s not much better than not helping at all.

• Listen to your friends and pay attention to their circumstances. Many people need support but are too shy to ask for it.

Spend real time listening. Selfish people are notorious for not listening. They're so caught up in discussing their problems, struggles, and obstacles that they have no time to hear what others have to say. If you're the type who picks up the phone and talks non-stop for half an hour before hanging up, then you’re not giving the other person a chance to speak.

• Every conversation should have a balance of speaking and listening. If you tend to dominate the conversation, the next time you speak, work on developing your listening skills.
• Selfish people often focus more on themselves than on others, which is why they don't truly listen.

Show interest in others. Listening to someone is a wonderful way to show you care. Additionally, you can ask them questions ranging from their opinions on local news to stories about their childhood. You don't need to ask overly detailed questions to show that you genuinely care about their thoughts or struggles. When people talk, don't just nod and wait for your turn to speak; instead, slow down and ask questions if they are discussing things they are passionate about.

• You can show interest without overwhelming them. The next time you converse with someone, try to talk 20% less and ask a few more questions than usual to see how you feel.

Volunteer your time. Volunteering can take you out of your world and show you how many people are less fortunate than you. You may have felt that you lacked many things before volunteering at soup kitchens or teaching adults how to read. While you shouldn't volunteer just for the feel-good factor, it's important to dedicate time to make meaningful connections and look beyond your own bubble.

• You might soon find yourself 'addicted' to volunteering. Before long, you’ll stop focusing on what you don't have, as you’ll be busy planning to help others.

Adopt a pet. If you are the type to kill a dozen goldfish, then maybe a pet isn't right for you. However, having a pet can make you feel like you are nurturing a living being that needs your care, and you have the capacity to protect other creatures. Head to an animal shelter and pick a cute kitten or puppy to keep you company. You’ll soon realize that you won't have time for selfish thoughts when you're busy walking the dog, feeding your pet, or spending time cuddling with your new furry friend.

• Dogs will demand a lot of responsibility from you. Taking on these responsibilities—especially when serving others—will definitely help reduce your selfishness.

Help those in need. When your friends, family, or even neighbors are going through tough times, it's important to be there for them. Maybe a coworker has lost a loved one, or your neighbor has been sick for months. Take the time to cook them a meal, call to check on them, or send a gift, asking if there’s anything you can do to help.

• People might be reluctant to ask for help, even when it's obvious they need it. Knowing when to step in and offer assistance without intruding on their personal matters is up to you.

Learn to share. Selfish people never shared anything since the day they had their first toy as a child. It's time to remove that selfish gene from your system. Start by sharing what you have, whether it's breaking a piece of bread for a friend or letting a buddy borrow your favorite dress for their first date. Choose something you love so much that it’s hard to imagine sharing it with someone else, and give it away. At first, it may feel scary to part with such possessions, but that's how you begin to shed your selfish tendencies.

• Food is a big issue for many. Selfish people often dislike sharing food. Although everyone needs enough to eat, ask yourself whether you truly need that much bread, or whether you’ll lose anything by sharing some with friends or housemates.

Join a team. Becoming part of a team is a great way to reduce selfishness, whether you’re working on a project at work, joining a debate team at school, or playing on a community sports team. When you get involved with a team and learn how to balance the interests of each member with the overall goals of the group, you'll realize how important it is to let go of selfish behaviors.

• You’ll become even less selfish if you take on a leadership role. As a leader, you'll see that the team's collective success often outweighs individual desires, and compromise becomes essential to keep everyone satisfied.

Stop talking about yourself. Selfish people tend to go on and on about their needs, efforts, and desires. Next time you talk to your friends, take note of how much time you spend talking about yourself. If you find you're only talking about yourself and the other person can barely get a word in, it’s time to adjust.

• It’s fine to ask for advice, share personal stories, or mention your wants in moderation, but it's not great to be known as the person who only sees themselves in conversations. Plus, if everyone knows you only talk about yourself, you might find fewer people wanting to engage with you.

Give small gifts to others. Give your loved ones, friends, or even neighbors a small gift to express your appreciation and gratitude. Selfish people never want to spend money or give anything to others, and generally, they don’t show gratitude. Stop thinking that if you’re not doing something for yourself, you shouldn't do anything for others. Even if there’s no special occasion like a birthday, a small gift can brighten someone's day. In fact, unexpected gifts often bring more joy than those given for an occasion.

• Try giving at least one small gift each month to show how much you care. This will also make you feel happier!
• If your budget doesn’t allow, you can still give your time to help someone.

Learn to compromise. To rid yourself of selfishness, you’ll need to learn how to compromise. This means putting happiness above always getting what you want, recognizing that others have desires too, and understanding that you can’t always have things your way. Surely, you don't want to be seen as someone so stubborn that others won't even think of approaching you in difficult situations. Learn to listen to others, weigh the pros and cons, and view the situation from their perspective.

• Don’t blindly insist on having your way. Focus on understanding both sides of the situation.
• Ask yourself, "Who needs this more than the other?" Do you really need it that badly, or are you just being stubborn? Not everything is a must-have.
• Listen to the other person and see things from their angle before reacting.

Thank everyone. Selfish individuals often believe they deserve to be prioritized and pampered without question. If someone does something kind for you, whether it's complimenting you or giving you a ride to class, be grateful and thank them for their kindness instead of assuming it's a given. Don’t assume that everyone must be kind or empathetic; you should appreciate it when it happens.

• Selfish people often think they "deserve" the best treatment at all times. It's time to stop and reflect on all the people who truly help make your life better.

Stop controlling everything. Selfish people believe they should choose all the movies, plan all the vacations, and have every work or school project done their way. It’s time to take a step back and allow others to make decisions too. Sure, it might feel unsettling to go to a Thai restaurant instead of your usual Italian spot, and you might not want your friend making too many decisions in your final report, but trust that others know what they’re doing, and let them have their say.

• Letting go of control will also reduce stress and make you happier. Think about how much easier life could be if you weren’t so obsessed with making sure everything goes exactly as you want.
• Sometimes things will be simpler and less stressful if you give a little and adjust to others' schedules.

Be around unselfish people. Surround yourself with kind-hearted individuals and return their kindness. You won’t improve if you’re always with selfish people. ‘Birds of a feather flock together’—if you only associate with those who are self-centered, you’ll never learn to care for others. On the other hand, when you’re among generous people, you’ll be inspired to act more selflessly as well.

Don’t interrupt others. Allow people to finish their sentences. Remember, there’s no rush. If it’s urgent (like if you need to leave), say "excuse me". Selfish people often think that what they say is more important, while others’ words are trivial, and they can jump in at any moment, but that’s not right. In reality, your ideas will be received better if you wait for your turn to speak. Moreover, you might change your mind if you truly listen to what others have to say.

Remember birthdays. You could make someone feel bad by forgetting their special day. Luckily, you can always make up for it if you forget. However, remembering someone’s birthday is not just about recalling a date—it shows that they are special to you and hold significant meaning in your life.

• On the flip side, don’t get upset if someone forgets your birthday. These things happen, and it’s not helpful to act like everyone must remember everything about you.

Stay in touch with friends, family, and relatives. Selfish people often lose touch with others because they believe everyone will always come back to them. Don’t think your time is so precious that you can’t call your grandmother or have lunch with a friend, only to wait for others to come when you really need them. Show concern for others just to see how they’re doing in life.

Compliment others. Don’t just brag about how amazing you are. Let others know how great they are, whether it’s their fashion sense, personality, or wise decisions. You can even compliment a complete stranger in line if you like their coat. Don’t give fake compliments just to win favor; praise others because they genuinely deserve it.

Don’t shove people when standing in line. If you notice someone with a cane or in a wheelchair, slow down or offer help instead of cutting in front. There’s nothing so important that you need to be ahead of everyone. Wait your turn and don’t act like you’re in such a rush that you can’t wait five minutes to be in line.

Be on time. If possible, call ahead if you know you’ll be late. Selfish people often make others wait without caring that they’re wasting others’ time; ironically, they think their own time is so valuable that no one should ever make them wait. Be polite and respect others by showing up as promised.

• Changing yourself will take time, but recognizing that you have behavioral issues is already a significant step forward.
• Offer someone a hug when it's needed. Don't hold back your emotions or suppress your tears due to your ego.
• Try to stop judging others and learn to empathize with them.
• Encourage others because everyone needs some motivation.
• Don't hate yourself because you feel like you can't change. You absolutely can.
• Don't expect to change overnight.
• Use the word “I” less.
• If there's only one piece of cake left at a party and someone wants it, offer to share it or give it to them.
• During Christmas, donate to those less fortunate.
• Avoid giving your “opinion” unless asked, or when the group is sharing theirs, or you are specifically requested to offer constructive criticism.
• Make sure not to fall into the extreme of “dependency” or co-dependency. Caring for others is great, but you also need to take time for yourself.

• Don't be harsh with others just because you're feeling stressed.
• Don't expect recognition for helping others. The purpose of charity is to do the right thing, not to gain fame.