How to overcome the pain of a breakup when both still love each other: 11 steps to take

Breaking up is always a painful experience, and it becomes even more difficult when both people still care deeply for each other. Unfortunately, sometimes relationships end due to factors like distance, communication issues, trust problems, or differing future goals. While you might feel lost at this moment, over time, things will get better. Since you both still value each other, there may even come a time when you can remain friends with your ex.

You both need time to heal. This is tough, especially when you’ve been used to relying on each other for everything, but after a breakup, it’s best to avoid calling or texting them. It may take at least a few weeks before the pain subsides enough to speak again, but don't be surprised if it takes longer, especially if you’ve been together for a long time.

• Try not to go to places you know your ex frequents. It’s also a good idea to unfollow or unfriend them on social media.
• If one or both of you have decided that a breakup is for the best, keeping your distance will help you avoid the temptation to get back together or meet for one last time—it will only waste both of your time.
• Time apart will allow both of you to reflect on your feelings and understand what you truly want if you’re still uncertain about the breakup.

Tell yourself that feeling sad is inevitable. When ending a relationship, you need to give yourself permission to process your emotions. This is even more important if you still love the person deeply. Don’t try to be tough and just power through it. Listen to sad songs, cry if you need to, invite your best friend over—do whatever helps you find comfort.

• Sometimes, you may need to take a break during a breakup. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you need to cut back on study or work hours.
• After a few days, start returning to your daily routine. You might still feel sad, but you’ll have to begin moving forward gradually to heal.
• Don’t try to numb the pain with substances, alcohol, unhealthy food, or jump into a new relationship to replace the old one. These methods won’t help you feel better in the long run and will only make it harder to move on.

Keep both your mind and body as healthy as possible. It’s okay if you feel like staying in bed for a day or two after the breakup, but you’ll start to feel better once you begin taking care of yourself. Try to maintain a regular sleep schedule, exercise, and eat well to keep your body strong. You’ll feel more confident and empowered, which will help you handle negative emotions more easily.

• Do activities that help you relax and feel good—like getting a massage, taking a bath, or inviting friends out to a favorite restaurant.
• Try speaking positive affirmations about yourself, like “I love myself, and I have everything I need.”
• Spending time outdoors in nature can also lift your spirits, so consider going for a walk, hike, or enjoying a nature outing.
• Remember, just because you still care about your ex doesn’t mean you should stop caring for yourself!

Lean on your friends and family, the ones who always have your back. You're navigating the heartache of losing an important relationship, but you're not in this alone. You may have loved ones, friends, or colleagues by your side, eager to lend an ear. Share with them why things didn't work out between you two, and don’t forget to mention that even though you’ve parted ways, the love still remains. This will not only lighten your heart but may also give you fresh insights into the situation.

• If you’re not comfortable confiding in others, try writing your feelings in a journal. It’s a private way to release emotions.
• If you’re unsure who to talk to, consider reaching out to a counselor.

Fill your spare time with activities that bring you joy. After a breakup, you might find yourself with pockets of free time that feel aimless. But don't just sit around missing your ex! Now is your chance to do things you truly enjoy. Watch that movie you've been meaning to see, read a good book, stroll through the city, shop till you drop, or sign up for a new class—there's so much you can do for yourself, so go ahead and dive in!

• Once you're feeling more settled, consider opening yourself up to dating. Even if you're not ready for something serious, exploring new connections can be a step forward.

Enjoy the freedom that comes with being on your own. Yes, you still have feelings for your ex, but that shouldn’t stop you from relishing the independence you now have. Make a list of all the things you can do now that you couldn’t when you were with your ex, and revisit it whenever you're feeling down. For instance, when you're by yourself, you can:

• Eat whatever you want
• Sleep and wake up on your own schedule
• Watch movies and shows you enjoy
• Go wherever you please
• Meet friends and family whenever it suits you
• Keep things tidy or messy as you like

Reflect on what you could have done differently. Perhaps you and your partner had different core values, different life goals, or struggled to resolve conflicts maturely. Once you pinpoint the mistakes, think about how you would have handled things differently if time could rewind. These lessons can become powerful tools that help you get back on your feet and move forward.

• Try to put yourself in your ex's shoes – what do you think they wanted from you? For example, if communication was an issue, perhaps you didn’t meet their need for being heard.
• If the issue was something you couldn’t compromise on – like one person wanting children while the other didn’t, or one prioritizing money and status while the other valued family time – take this lesson with you as you choose a more compatible life partner in the future.
• Try reading self-help books, listening to podcasts about recovery after a breakup, or seeing a therapist. These methods can offer deeper insights into what you can learn from your past relationship.

Don’t let self-doubt creep in after the breakup. It’s common to dwell on your shortcomings when a relationship ends, but don’t listen to the negative voices. Your ex truly loved you; it’s just that you two weren’t a match. Make it a habit to replace negative thoughts with something positive about yourself. Remind yourself that you deserve to be treated a certain way, and if your ex couldn’t meet those expectations, they might not have been the right person for you.

• For instance, if you catch yourself thinking “I’ll be alone forever,” replace it with something like “I’m funny and smart. One day, I will meet someone who truly fits me.”
• If needed, create a list of your best qualities and refer to it whenever you’re feeling insecure.

In two weeks, you’ll need to return to your normal routine. You may still be grappling with the pain after the breakup, but it’s important to find ways to keep up with daily tasks. One way to do this is to set aside some time each day to fully immerse yourself in your emotions. For example, you might cry for 15 minutes under the shower, but once you step out, wipe away the tears and get back to your usual activities.

• This way, you’ll allow yourself to release emotions but not let them prevent you from working, taking care of your children, or fulfilling other responsibilities.

Reach out to the other person if you think you can be friends. It might take several months for you to fully recover, but you can choose to be friends with your ex if you still care about them. Wait until you feel strong enough to discuss this with them. Once enough time has passed, you may occasionally text them or talk in public spaces without feeling awkward.

• However, don’t expect to be close friends. If you couldn’t stay together as a couple, it’s probably better to keep a bit of distance between you.

Be clear about what needs to change if you two get back together. Even if you’ve never stopped loving each other, you can only be happy together again if the past mistakes are addressed.

• For example, if you broke up because one of you wanted children and the other didn’t, you should only reunite if one of you changes their mind.
• If you broke up because your ex wasn’t ready for commitment, they’ll need to prove they’re ready for a serious relationship.