Buzz
If a colleague has expressed interest in dating you and is anxiously waiting for your reply, or you suspect that your cubicle neighbor is about to make a move, you may be wondering how to handle the situation without causing any awkwardness. The good news is that politely declining a date from a coworker is often simpler than it seems, even though it may feel uncomfortable at first. As long as you remain professional, compassionate, and direct, there should be no issues. If you're looking for some advice on how to reject them without jeopardizing your career, continue reading for some helpful tips on handling this situation tactfully.
Steps
Express gratitude for the compliment.
Make sure to acknowledge their feelings while keeping it clear. Aim to soften the blow by showing appreciation for the invitation. Avoid leaving the door open for any future romantic possibilities, but begin with a positive sentiment to ensure they understand your response is not personal. Starting on a kind note will reduce the chances of any negative emotions, as a hurt or insulted colleague might become difficult to work with later. You could say:
- “I really appreciate the offer, but I’m not interested in dating.”
- “I had no idea you felt that way, and I’m flattered, but…”
- “That’s such a nice compliment! Unfortunately, I don’t think we’re a match in that way.”
Decline the offer with respect.
Say 'no' in a gentle and understanding manner. Reject the offer kindly and respectfully, making sure to communicate that dating is not an option without making the person feel bad for asking. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without suggesting that the issue lies with them personally. This approach can help minimize any conflict. You might say:
- “I’d prefer to keep our relationship professional.”
- “I’m afraid I have to decline. I’m not open to dating anyone right now.”
- “It’s not you, it’s me. I’m not in a position where I can date at this time.”
- “I really value our professional relationship and would like to keep it that way.”
- “I appreciate your offer, but I must respectfully decline.”
Give a reason for not wanting to date.
Offering a clear reason might help smooth things over. It takes courage to put yourself out there, and it can be awkward to hear a “no” without understanding why. While it’s not necessary, providing a brief explanation might spare their feelings and speed up the process. You could say:
- “I know it might sound strange, but company policy prohibits dating coworkers, and I really value my job. I can’t risk my career for a relationship.”
- “I’m concerned that a relationship might distract me from my professional goals. Right now, I’m just not interested in dating.”
- “I dated someone at my last job, and the gossip was unbearable. Because of that, I don’t date colleagues anymore.”
Reassure them that it’s not about them.
Ensure they leave feeling good and at ease. Unless they've been disrespectful, there’s no need to make your coworker feel bad. Offer a friendly, non-romantic compliment to help them walk away feeling positive. Keeping their self-esteem intact ensures your professional relationship remains unaffected. You could say:
- “You’re genuinely kind and thoughtful. I really appreciate our conversations at the office. I’m sorry I can’t accept your invitation.”
- “I understand this isn’t the answer you were hoping for, but I really hope this won’t impact our work. You’re an important part of our team’s success!”
- “You’re one of the most intelligent colleagues I’ve had the pleasure to work with, and I look forward to continuing our professional relationship.”
Provide an excuse if they're not handling it well.
If it seems like they’re struggling with your answer, offer a solid excuse. Just be careful not to imply that you might change your mind about dating in the future, as this could lead to confusion. Also, remember the excuse you provide so that you don’t get caught in a lie later. For instance, you might say:
- “I’m in a serious relationship right now, and I’m really sorry.”
- “I’m dealing with some personal issues and need to focus on myself for now.”
- “I had a bad experience with my ex, and I’ve decided to stay single for the foreseeable future.”
Always stay professional.
Regardless of the situation, maintain professionalism. If the person asking you out reacts negatively or becomes upset, don’t let it throw you off. It's essential to stay calm, as reacting strongly could lead to workplace issues. You don’t owe them anything, but keeping a professional attitude is the best course of action—whether they’re acting professionally or not.
- If they ask you out in the office, avoid making a scene. If they react poorly and jeopardize their own job, let them. You can always excuse yourself or approach a manager for assistance.
- If they become emotional or don’t handle it well, it’s okay to remind them they are a great person and have done nothing wrong. Just make sure you don’t leave the door open for future romantic possibilities and stay professional, and everything will be fine.
Be assertive if they disregard your boundaries.
If they persist and ask again, stand your ground (politely). Some people just don’t get the message right away. If they approach you again to ask you out a second (or third, or fourth) time, make it clear that they are overstepping. Be respectful, but let them know you don’t appreciate being ignored. You could say:
- “I’ve already said I prefer to keep our relationship professional. Please stop asking me out.”
- “I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, but this needs to end. I’m not interested in dating you. It’s not personal, but I’d appreciate it if you stopped.”
- If it gets really uncomfortable or they continue ignoring your wishes, talk to HR or your supervisor.
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 1289 Mytour readers, and 62% agreed that if someone reacts poorly to your rejection, it’s completely acceptable to stand firm in your decision and move on. [Take Poll]
- If their behavior makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, contact your boss, HR, or even the authorities immediately. Your safety is the priority!
Ignore any continued flirting.
If they flirt again later, brush it off and don’t engage. Some people find it hard to let go of a crush. If they try flirting again months later after asking you out, they might be testing whether you’ve changed your mind. Don’t send the wrong message. Simply ignore any flirtatious behavior, while remaining friendly, but not overly friendly.
- If they smile at you from across the room, offer a small, neutral smile and look away. If they comment on how great you look, respond with a simple “thanks” and move on. They should get the hint.
- This applies to subtle flirting. If they become overtly aggressive, touch you, or make you feel uncomfortable, don’t hesitate to report it to HR. Your comfort and safety come first.
Turn it into a group event if you accidentally said yes.
If you agreed to hang out but they think it’s a date, make it a group outing! If you got caught off guard or misinterpreted their intentions, it might lead to an awkward situation. Rejecting them once they think it's a date could cause further discomfort, so invite other coworkers to join and turn it into a casual work gathering.
- If they ask what's going on, just casually explain that you thought it was just a friendly outing. Let them know you would have declined if you had known it was meant to be a romantic date.
- This tactic works best if the original invitation wasn’t very clear (like, “Want to grab drinks after work?”). However, if they were direct in asking you out and you nervously agreed, try to retract your response and explain you were anxious when they asked.
Consider the potential consequences if you’re thinking of saying yes.
If you’re on the fence about agreeing, keep in mind what could go wrong. Workplace relationships can quickly become complicated. If you start dating, any disagreements or breakups can make the office environment uncomfortable. Even worse, if your manager doesn’t know and you’re violating company policies, you could risk your job.
- If the person asking you out manages you or has authority over you, it's particularly risky. These situations can create unhealthy dynamics when one person has power over the other.
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There are circumstances where it might be acceptable to date a coworker. If neither of you holds power over the other, you work in separate departments, and your company doesn’t have a policy against workplace relationships, it might be okay. Just make sure to be transparent and inform your manager before things escalate.
Warnings
- If you're wondering, 'Is this sexual harassment?' then it likely is. If you ever feel uneasy at work or if a coworker oversteps a boundary, don't hesitate to report it to HR and file a formal complaint.
