How to prevent emotions from taking control of you

People can experience a variety of emotions in a single day. Sometimes, it may feel as though our emotions are controlling us, leading us to say or do things we might later regret. If you find it difficult to control your emotions, you are not alone. You can manage most emotions by consciously focusing back on your current feelings and applying practical strategies to overcome them.

Recognize your current emotions. Emotional experiences consist of three key factors: body language and behavior, instinctive reactions, and thoughts. At times, you may feel one emotion clearly, while other times, multiple emotions may be present. Consider a few common emotions and their related factors to identify what you're feeling at the moment.

• Anger can be shown by clenched fists, flaring nostrils, a racing heart, sweating, and jumping to conclusions.
• Confusion might include scratching your head or cheek, rapid blinking, body temperature rising, and racing thoughts.
• Frustration may manifest as a heavy sigh, slumping head, sudden nausea, a tightening chest, and thoughts of fear or hopelessness.
• Fear can be linked to clutching your elbows to your side, trembling, being overly sensitive to touch or sound, and a desire to flee or hide.
• Jealousy may involve criticizing others, mocking them, a burning sensation in the chest, and making hasty decisions.
• Sadness might be characterized by furrowed brows, trembling chin, sore throat, the world seeming to slow down, and a desire to be alone.

Identify situations that trigger your emotions. If you're experiencing intense emotions, it's important to recognize the triggers that caused these feelings. This is especially true if you find yourself frequently irritated. Reflect on the past few hours or days and think about the people you've interacted with and the topics discussed in those conversations.

• It could be someone who evokes strong feelings in you, or a specific subject that excites you. People/topics that can stir up strong emotions include family, friends, relationships, work, money, criticism, and broken promises.

Be aware of your thoughts regarding the situation. Once you identify the person/people or topic that is causing the agitation, write down your feelings about them. Express emotions like, "I'm angry because..." or "I'm disappointed because..." This exercise can provide insight into what is truly driving your emotions. You may realize these factors weren't clear to you before.

Check if your thoughts are realistic. Once you've written down what is influencing your emotions, you can assess the accuracy of those statements. For instance, if you wrote, "I'm disappointed because Danh didn't buy me a birthday gift," consider various factors surrounding Danh's behavior and your own. Did you explicitly tell Danh you didn't want a gift this year? Have you often been dissatisfied with the gifts he’s given you in the past? Is Danh facing financial difficulties and unable to buy a gift? If you find at least one piece of evidence that makes Danh's behavior understandable, you've shown that your reaction (e.g., disappointment) is unreasonable.

• If you can't find any evidence to temper your strong emotions, consider looking at the situation from a different perspective. Strong emotions are almost always linked to some irrational beliefs deeply rooted within us.

Develop a healthier alternative response. After thoroughly reviewing your thoughts and actions in interactions with others, try to come up with a plan to express a healthier response next time.

• Reflect on the previous situation with the birthday gift. Once you realize that Danh didn’t give you a gift for your birthday, what did you do? You might have reacted with passive-aggressive discomfort, suppressing your emotions, but engaging in subtle actions like being distant, withholding affection, or sabotaging other plans he had for you.
• Think about how you could have responded to ease your own discomfort—and perhaps his as well. You could have directly told him that you were expecting a gift and felt disappointed. While this may seem blunt, you would likely feel less disappointed once you understand Danh's true reasons. Moreover, he won't feel awkward around you, wondering why you're behaving a certain way. He will better understand your feelings, clearing up any misunderstandings.

Know when it's not the right time for a serious discussion. There are moments when the best course of action is to postpone a conversation to avoid letting emotions spiral out of control. If you're looking to talk to someone while you're angry or feeling extreme emotions, remember the acronym H.A.L.T., which stands for hunger, anger, loneliness, and tiredness.

• These are times when we are more vulnerable and nearly incapable of handling situations. In the future, take a moment to pause and care for yourself before attempting to resolve any issues.
• Eat something, engage in relaxing activities, connect with others socially, or get the rest you need. Afterward, reassess the situation when you're better equipped to handle it.

Acknowledge your understanding of certain situations. Personal perceptions of life events can often provoke emotions that spiral out of control. For example, a recruiter creates a performance evaluation for all employees at the end of the year. One employee might review the evaluation and think, "Oh! It's not as bad as I thought. At least I wasn't fired!" Another person might say, "What is this? I'll never get promoted unless I hit 100%!" Our interpretation of events fuels our emotions. The first employee might feel relieved, while the second feels agitated. Negative interpretations often arise due to distorted perceptions such as:

• Overgeneralization - believing that one event significantly impacts all areas of life, even if it's not that serious.
• Black-and-white thinking - also known as "all-or-nothing" thinking, this type of distortion ignores the shades of gray in life.
• Emotional reasoning - interpreting facts based on your current emotional state (e.g., feeling unattractive, so believing you must be unattractive).
• Filtering - focusing only on the negative events in life and minimizing the positive ones.

Reflect on beliefs associated with certain emotions. Our emotional responses are largely shaped by cultural and familial foundations. People learn to regulate their emotions based on the patterns and emotional behaviors modeled by others in their early environment. For example, if a boy is taught not to cry as a child, he may carry that lesson into adulthood. He might struggle to express emotions with others or may transform certain feelings into more socially acceptable ones.

• Consider what you were taught about exploring and expressing emotions as a child. These early beliefs can play a significant role in how you express emotions today.
• Anger is often referred to as a "umbrella emotion" because it frequently overshadows other feelings. People from different cultural backgrounds might view expressing anger as more acceptable than expressing insecurity or sadness. Keeping this in mind, always take a deeper look to understand what lies beneath the surface emotion, to see if there are deeper feelings you may not have fully identified.

Reflect on others' behavior toward you. If you're struggling to understand your role in generating strong emotions, pay attention to others' emotional reactions to you. Everyone involved in a conversation plays a part in creating intense emotions, although, as we mentioned earlier, emotional responses depend on how you interpret a situation.

• Sometimes, we aren't aware of our own body language or non-verbal cues in the same way we observe others'. Watch for behaviors others are displaying. If someone is acting defensively (such as crossing their arms or tapping their foot), ask yourself what you're doing to provoke such a response.

Try deep breathing. Deep breathing is a great technique to apply when facing intense emotions. As soon as you notice physical signs (such as rapid heartbeat, clenched fists, stomach discomfort, etc.) indicating an upcoming emotional reaction, you can set them aside and practice deep breathing for a few seconds or minutes. This can help redirect your attitude and allow you to respond more cautiously to the situation. It's also a great relaxation method to prevent you from acting impulsively in ways you might later regret.

• Start by breathing normally, but pay close attention to each breath. Then, inhale deeply through your nose, expanding your stomach as though inflating a balloon. Place a hand on your stomach to feel the movement. Exhale slowly, letting your stomach deflate. Repeat this technique until your intense emotional state calms down.

Practice mindfulness for your emotions. Engaging in mindfulness meditation can be beneficial in dealing with strong emotions such as sadness, fear, anger, and even jealousy. Mindfulness meditation typically involves sitting in a comfortable spot in an environment with minimal distractions. Cross your legs and close your eyes if you feel comfortable. Take deep breaths, paying attention to your belly rising and falling with each breath.

• After practicing deep breathing for a few moments, focus on your emotions. Perhaps you can recall the situation that triggered these feelings. Continue breathing deeply and slowly. Notice how your body feels in response to this emotion. Is your chest tight? Does your stomach feel uneasy? Do you have a headache?
• Once you're aware of the physical sensations tied to this emotion, simply sit with it for a while. Accept it as a temporary or changing part of yourself. Continue breathing as you focus on the sensation of acceptance. If the emotion overwhelms you or you're worried that it's continuing, refocus on your breathing and your presence in the room.
• People often resist intense emotions because they're afraid of the reaction. By practicing mindfulness with your emotions, you may realize that emotions can't harm you. They will eventually dissipate, and you can learn to control them.

Exercise. Motivating yourself to engage in physical activity can be difficult when you're experiencing intense emotions, but the benefits are worth the effort. Regular exercise offers numerous physical health benefits and is also great for your mental well-being. It reduces stress hormones and boosts the production of endorphins, which lift your mood and act as natural painkillers.

• Find an activity that helps you release any lingering effects of intense emotions. If you're feeling angry, you might try running or boxing to channel that energy. If you're feeling sad, a gentle walk or yoga might be more beneficial.

Practice progressive muscle relaxation. If intense emotions are causing your body to tense up, take a few minutes to try this relaxation technique. Progressive muscle relaxation involves gradually tensing and releasing various muscle groups in your body. It's a great way to release stress and become more aware of how your body feels.

• Sit with your thighs parallel to the ground/floor and your arms parallel to your upper body. Relax in that position. Close your eyes or try not to focus on any distractions in the room. Breathe deeply and cleanse your mind. Start at your feet, then move upward through your body. Choose a muscle group and tense it (such as your toes). Hold the tension while you breathe, noticing the tightness. Then, release and focus on the relief as the tension melts away. Continue with each muscle group in turn.

• If you find yourself experiencing intense emotions frequently and struggling to manage them on your own, it may be time to seek help from a mental health professional. They can teach you various techniques to gain better control over these emotions.