Buzz
Conversation starters to help rekindle a friendship
Sometimes, life gets busy and you lose touch with people you once spent a lot of time with. It's completely normal to drift apart from friends over time. If you find yourself thinking about someone and want to reconnect, we’ve got you covered! Continue reading for tips on reaching out to someone you haven’t spoken to in a while, including thoughtful suggestions on how to approach the conversation, featuring insights from communication expert Lynda Jean.
Reconnecting with Someone You Haven’t Spoke to in a While
- Start by texting, as it’s less intrusive than an unexpected phone call.
- Use a special occasion, like their birthday, as a natural reason to get in touch.
- Admit that it's been a long time and briefly explain why you’ve been out of touch.
- Ask them how they’ve been, showing real interest in their life.
- If the conversation is going well, suggest meeting up in person to catch up.
Steps
Send a text first to reconnect.
Some people might ignore an unsolicited phone call. This is particularly true when it’s been a long time since you last spoke. It’s important to verify that you have the correct number, and giving them a heads-up allows them to prepare for the conversation.
- You could text, "Hey Sarah, it’s Lucy from law school. Not sure if you still have my number, but I was thinking about you recently and wondered what you've been up to. I'd love to catch up!"
- If you’ve changed your number, let them know your current one, as Jean advises.
- If you haven’t texted them before, email might be a better option. Social media is another easygoing way to reconnect if texting or calling feels too abrupt.
Comment on one of their social media posts.
Social media is a great tool for reaching out. Even if you're connected to an old friend on social media, just liking their posts or leaving the occasional comment isn’t the same as genuine interaction. However, you can use these posts as a natural way to strike up a conversation. Here are some examples:
- "I just saw your anniversary photos! I can't believe it’s already been 5 years since the wedding—it feels like it was just yesterday!"
- "I saw you went to Paris. Your pictures are stunning! I’d love to hear more about your trip."
Use a special occasion as a reason to reconnect.
A birthday or special occasion is a perfect moment to reconnect. If you see on social media that it's someone's birthday and you haven’t spoken in a while, sending them a quick message is a great way to get in touch. It’s a simple gesture that doesn’t take much time, and it’s an excellent way to re-establish communication.
- You could say, "Hey, I noticed it’s your birthday today. Hope you had an amazing day! I know it’s been a while, but I’d really like to catch up!"
- Other holidays are also great opportunities. For example: "Happy New Year! My resolution is to make sure we hang out more this year."
Explain why you've been out of touch.
Let them know you've had a lot going on. It’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of life, and sometimes you fall out of contact with people. If you’ve been dealing with a busy or stressful period, it might explain why you haven’t kept in touch. Here are a few ways you can explain the situation briefly:
- "Things have been really hectic lately, I can barely keep up. But I did see the video you sent me—so funny! How have you been?"
- "I saw your message, but things got crazy, and I forgot to reply. It’s been wild lately. Want to catch up?"
Tell us your thoughts.
What’s the most important thing to consider before reaching out to someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time?
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Start QuizExplore More QuizzesRecognize that it’s been a while.
It's more genuine than pretending like no time has passed. The time that has passed since your last conversation is often the unspoken elephant in the room—it feels awkward, but ignoring it can make things even more uncomfortable. Acknowledge it briefly and then move on. You might say:
- "Keep it natural and casual," Jean advises, "just say something like, 'Time flies, doesn't it? It's been a while since we last talked, and I've been thinking about you. I thought I’d reach out and check in.'"
- "Wow, I just realized it's been 5 years since we last caught up. Time sure does fly! What’s new with you?"
- "Long time no talk! Can you believe it's been 3 years? I'd really love to reconnect."
Offer an apology if you think it’s needed.
Apologizing can help clear any lingering guilt. A simple apology goes a long way if you feel responsible and need to express that. However, remember that any distance in your relationship is usually mutual, and they might also have had opportunities to stay in touch. Focus on sharing how you feel rather than making them feel blamed or defensive. Jean says, "The key is to sound sincere and not overly guilty." Here are some ways to express yourself:
- "I’m so sorry I didn’t keep in touch after the wedding!"
- "I regret not reaching out sooner. I felt awkward after you moved away."
- "I feel terrible that I haven’t called or texted more. I really miss you!"
Be honest if you’re reaching out for a particular reason.
They’re more likely to respond if you're upfront about it. Put yourself in their shoes: if someone reaches out to you unexpectedly after a long time, you'd probably wonder what they need. Don't worry about being seen as someone who contacts people only when they want something—most people enjoy helping out.
- "Hi Sarah, it’s Jane from law school. I know it's been a while since graduation, but I'm about to move to Chicago. Do you still live there? I’d love to get some advice on neighborhoods."
- "Austin! It's Mark—you remember me from DragonCon last year. Do you still work with Fantasy Films? I have a friend who just applied and is looking for some tips."
Share your thoughts with us!
What’s the best way to begin a conversation when calling someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time?
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Start QuizSee More QuizzesShare the reason they crossed your mind.
Explaining why you're reaching out makes the call feel more intentional and less random. After all, there’s a reason, right? Even if it’s just hearing an old song or reminiscing over photos. It’s likely to make them feel special when you mention it. You could say something like:
- "I was at a bar when someone played that Journey song on the jukebox. Of course, I immediately thought of you. How have you been?"
- "My partner and I played Ticket to Ride last night and I thought about all the fun we had playing it back in grad school. What have you been up to?"
Remind them of a shared moment from the past.
Talking about old memories can make the conversation feel less awkward and more familiar. When in doubt, recall a fun moment or a funny inside joke. It’s a great way to reconnect and break the ice. For instance, you might say:
- "Oh, remember when we went to the state fair? I’ll never forget your face covered in powdered sugar from that funnel cake."
- “Wow, remember when we saw that band with the amazing electric violinist? Did you know he's still performing?”
Send a photo that brings them to mind.
Old pictures and videos are a wonderful way to rekindle a friendship. Maybe that's what inspired you to reconnect with them in the first place. Why not share it with them? Even if it’s just a small gesture, they’ll appreciate that you thought of them enough to send it.
- While you could post the photo or video on social media and tag them, sending it directly will likely grab their attention more. Plus, it’s a more personal and intimate gesture.
Inquire about their current life.
Show genuine interest in their life and what they've been up to. Asking questions is a great way to keep the conversation flowing, says Jean. Pay attention to their answers and ask follow-up questions to understand who they are now. If it’s been a while since you were close, be prepared for the possibility that they might have changed a lot. Here are some questions to help you get started:
- "Last time we talked, you were finishing law school. Did you pass the bar exam? What are you working on now?"
- "I heard you just got engaged! Tell me more about your partner—it's so great to see you so happy!"
Ask if they'd be interested in meeting up.
Offer them an easy way out to avoid any awkwardness if they say no. Meeting face-to-face or over video is a great way to reconnect, but after not talking for a while, that might feel like a big step. Introduce the idea after you’ve had a good conversation. Here are some examples of what you could say:
- "How about a video chat sometime? I know it's been a while, so if you're not into it, that's totally okay. I just wanted to check in and hope you're doing well."
- "Would you like to meet for coffee tomorrow? I know you're probably busy, so if this isn’t the right time for you, no worries."
TELL US YOUR THOUGHTS
What’s your preferred way to end a conversation with someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time?
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Take QuizSee More QuizzesManage your expectations.
Over time, both you and your friend have evolved. While there's a chance you may rekindle your friendship and regain the closeness you once shared, it's also possible that you've drifted apart—and that's completely okay.
- If the other person is open to reconnecting, focus on getting to know them as they are now, instead of only reminiscing about who you were in the past.
- It's also possible that the person may not respond, or may not be interested in reconnecting. While that can be difficult to handle, it's important to respect their boundaries.
- Keep in mind that growing apart is a natural process, and it doesn't diminish the significance or value of the time you shared together.
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If you have mutual friends, consider organizing a group gathering as your first step in reconnecting. This can help ease any initial awkwardness.
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Be kind to yourself for losing touch—this happens to everyone! After offering an explanation and an apology, try not to worry too much about it. If you manage to rekindle your friendship, do your best to keep in touch and not let it slip away again.
