How to Rebuild Trust

You may have been betrayed by a partner, stabbed in the back by a close friend, or exploited by a colleague for your ideas. Alternatively, you might have lied to your significant other, taken someone’s love interest, or failed to assist a colleague or classmate with an important project. Trust between two people means that both can be hurt by each other. Maintaining trust is crucial to a satisfying relationship for both parties. Losing trust is a two-way street, and regaining it is the same. Both of you need to work together to rebuild the lost trust. Here’s what you need to do.

Confess. If you have deceived someone, you must confess. In human relationships, it’s particularly important to tell the truth, even when a lie might seem more beneficial. If you were the one who lied, your courage to admit your mistake and accept the consequences will show the other person that you value their happiness more than your own. Denial only deepens the breach of trust, especially when the truth is already clear.

• Own up to all your wrongdoings. Even if there are things you could keep hidden without fear of being caught, it’s better to come clean. Only when you fully confess can the other person begin to forgive your mistakes.

Predict the other person's emotional response. Admitting that you've deceived someone won't instantly make things easier. In fact, you might anticipate an emotional outburst, such as yelling, crying, or other reactions when they hear your confession. But remember, the best way to move forward together is to be completely open and honest.

Apologize. This might seem obvious, but unfortunately, apologies are often overlooked. How you deliver your apology will determine whether it’s accepted and whether both of you can continue together.

• When apologizing, avoid justifying your actions. Don’t blame the person you hurt by claiming they misunderstood you (‘You got it wrong’). Don’t downplay their pain (‘I wasn’t even hurt’). Don’t tell a sad story (‘I had a difficult childhood’).
• The best way to take responsibility is to acknowledge the other person’s hurt, express what you should have done, and commit to making those changes.
• Let the person know why you are apologizing. If they realize that you are apologizing because you feel remorse and shame, they are more likely to forgive you. But if they think you're apologizing out of pity, it will be much harder for them to forgive you. Sympathy is different from genuine remorse and regret, as it doesn’t reflect personal responsibility for the wrongdoing. Sympathy also implies that the wrongdoer is in a superior position to the person who was hurt.

Forgive yourself. When you've broken someone’s trust, you may feel such deep regret that it takes time to forgive yourself. While having a contrite heart is essential for reconciling with the person you’ve wronged, you also need to accept and learn how to forgive yourself after making efforts to heal the relationship.

• Remember that no one is perfect. Whether your mistake was big or small, it shows that you are just an ordinary person. Accept your failure and strive for a better future.
• If you constantly dwell on past mistakes, you risk diminishing your self-worth. Once this mindset takes hold, it can destroy your motivation for personal growth.

Let others in on your life. Everyone wants to maintain control over their personal information. However, there are times when you need to share some private details to give others the chance to trust you again. By letting others into your life, they can see for themselves that you are not one of those who frequently betray trust.

• This is especially important when romantic relationships have been broken due to infidelity. After a betrayal, to make amends, you should allow your partner access to all your messages, call logs, emails, and appointments for a few weeks to a few months. Let them know where you are and who you’re with whenever possible.

Allow others to vent their emotions. Negative emotions naturally follow a betrayal. The person who feels betrayed needs to express their feelings and thoughts in order to heal their emotional wounds. While this might be uncomfortable for you, it’s crucial for their healing.

• One of the worst things you can do is try to silence them when they’re angry. This action shows that you don't respect their emotions.
• Let the other person express their anger in their own way. Everyone vents differently and at different times. Rushing them only shows that you’re not fully attentive to their needs.

Keep your promises. What you do matters more than what you say. Trust in a relationship means you need to be reliable and consistent over time. You should promise to do better, but a simple promise or apology can’t restore trust quickly. If you aren’t honest in future actions or fail to fulfill your promises, the person you betrayed won’t believe you’ve changed or deserve their trust again.

• Avoid repeating the same mistakes at all costs.

Be patient. Understand that regaining trust is a lengthy process. You need to be patient with the other person and steadfast in your efforts.

• Depending on the severity of the betrayal, rebuilding trust could take weeks, months, or even years.
• Never pressure the other person to trust you sooner.
• Understand that things will never go back to the way they were after the betrayal, but if you show that you are trustworthy, you can regain trust to some extent.

Assess the situation. Before you can rebuild trust in someone who has betrayed you, ask yourself if this is a relationship worth saving. Ask yourself:

• Is this the first time they’ve betrayed me?
• Am I willing to trust them again, even if they promise to do everything perfectly from now on?
• Can I forgive them?
• Is this relationship important enough for me to fight for?
• Is this a one-time mistake, or a recurring habit?

Assess how the other person reacts to the situation. Are they truly apologizing for hurting you, or are they apologizing for getting caught in a lie? Are they willing to listen to you and make an effort to improve things in the future? Are they open to accepting their mistakes?

• If they don't seem genuinely sorry for causing you harm, or if they show no interest in making things better, this relationship may no longer be necessary for you.

Be cautious not to be deceived again. Keep observing the situation as it progresses. After a few weeks to months, pay attention to the trustworthiness of the person who deceived you. Identifying whether someone is lying can be challenging, but the following behaviors might indicate deceit:

• Those who lie tend to take longer to think of their answers and talk less when they act.
• Liars tell exaggerated stories with fewer details. Their communication is indirect, often pausing, with minimal gestures.
• A liar is less likely to improve themselves compared to someone truthful.
• Liars often feel tense, making their voices higher, and they tend to be restless.

Express your feelings. Let the person who deceived you know just how deeply their actions hurt you. More importantly, tell them exactly what caused you pain. Explain what you need in order to rebuild trust with them.

Let go of the anger. If you want to forget the anger, just let it go. After discussing the past deception, you need to let it fade into oblivion. Even if you're still feeling sad or angry right now, those feelings won't last forever. Avoid bringing them into any potential future arguments, especially if the person has made efforts to make amends.

• If you realize you're still holding onto negative emotions, consider why it's so difficult to let go. Is it because your partner is still acting in ways that betray your trust? Or is it because personal issues related to your past are involved?

Adjust your expectations. Even if someone never intends to hurt you, no one can give you exactly what you want 100% of the time. Once you realize you're not perfectionistic, you'll better understand the level of trust you truly have for them.

• Goals should be realistic, and don't let yourself go too far. Accept that everyone can make mistakes. However, don't allow anyone to get away with intentionally hurting you or being indifferent towards you.

Give and receive love. You need to be ready to accept and love the person who once betrayed you, and you must also accept the love that person has for you. When someone who has betrayed you tries to show affection, view their loving actions as sincere. Try to accept what you believe is heartfelt.