Buzz
True friendships are difficult to come by, and they become even more challenging when you're unsure if someone is being truthful. Since backstabbers behave kindly in front of you but speak poorly about you when you're not there, it can be tricky to identify them, even when they’re right in your presence. However, if you know the signs of a backstabber, you’re likely to spot some (or all) of these telltale signs.
Steps
They speak negatively about others.
Your conversations are likely filled with gossip and negativity. If a person constantly shares only negative things about others, it's a sign they might be saying similar things about you behind your back. If your talks mostly revolve around gossip, it could be a red flag that this person isn’t a genuine friend.
- You may come to realize that the only thing you have in common is your shared interest in drama.
They offer backhanded compliments.
Every time they say something ‘nice,’ you end up feeling worse about yourself. A backstabber will always attempt to stay on your good side, but their compliments are rarely sincere. What seems like a nice remark is often designed to make you uncomfortable. For example, you might hear things like:
- “You’re so brave to wear that dress out!”
- “I didn’t expect you to get that promotion. Congrats!”
- “You clean up well.”
They flirt with your partner.
Backstabbers do this to stir up jealousy. Even if your partner doesn't respond or actively rejects them, they won’t stop. If you confront them, they might downplay it as a joke or accuse you of being overly sensitive.
- This unwanted flirting can make your partner uncomfortable too. Make sure to check in with them and ensure they’re feeling okay.
They feel envious of your other friends.
A backstabber might act hurt if you spend time with others without them. They may accuse you of liking other people more or disliking them as an individual. Even though that’s not the case, you might find yourself hanging out with your other friends less just to avoid upsetting a backstabber.
- If you invite them to a group hangout, they’ll likely decline. They don’t want to share your attention with anyone else, even if it means they could have fun too.
They blow your mistakes out of proportion.
If you make an error, they’ll make it sound much worse than it was. They might tell your friends or coworkers about how badly you messed up. Even if it wasn’t a big deal, they’ll act like it’s a disaster.
- For example, if you missed a work deadline, even if you fixed it right away and talked to the boss, a backstabber will spread rumors to your coworkers that you’re probably going to get fired.
They undermine your work.
They may keep you out late before an important presentation. If they know you have a big test coming up, they might pressure you to hang out so you can't study. Backstabbers don’t want to see you succeed, so they’ll do everything they can to stop you.
- These actions are often subtle, and you might not notice they’re happening right away.
- For example, they might deliberately exclude you from a study group, leading to a poor final exam score.
- Or they might “forget” to send you the data you need to prepare for a work presentation.
They make plans without including you.
A backstabber might intentionally leave you out of plans. If you ask them about it, they might claim they just forgot or that you’re always welcome to join. In reality, they were trying to hurt your feelings by spending time with mutual friends without you.
- They might also schedule events when they know you won’t be available, like when you’re traveling.
You feel uncomfortable or insulted around them.
You might feel uneasy about what they’re going to say next. If you feel like you can’t relax around this person because you’re afraid they might ridicule you, that's a clear sign. Genuine friends lift you up, while backstabbers seek to tear you down.
- While friends might joke around, a backstabber crosses the line by making their jokes too personal or intentionally embarrassing you in front of others.
- Reader Poll: We asked 814 Mytour readers to share the strongest sign that someone doesn’t want to be your friend, and only 9% of them agreed that they tease you a lot. [Take Poll] Remember, teasing is different from criticizing or insulting. If your friend’s words or actions hurt, make sure to communicate your feelings and see if they adjust.
You feel like you’re in competition with them.
A backstabber may try to outshine you in every conversation. If you mention feeling down about a bad grade, they might respond with their own troubles, like a sick family member, to make your issue seem trivial. You’ll never have a simple conversation about your struggles because they always one-up you.
- This extends to positive situations too. For example, if you tell them you had a conversation with your crush, they'll one-up you by saying they’re going on a date with theirs tomorrow.
- You'll probably feel like you can’t catch a break, which is the backstabber’s goal.
They’re never genuinely happy for you.
Backstabbers tend to get upset when you're doing well. When you share good news like a work promotion or a top grade, they might not react with joy. Instead, they might criticize you for ‘bragging’—even if you’re just sharing your happiness.
- A true friend will always be happy for your success, even if they’re not experiencing the same. You should feel free to share your achievements without them getting upset.
They’re self-absorbed.
They prioritize their own needs above everyone else’s. They might only reach out when they need something from you, without any guilt. If you feel like you’re always giving more than receiving, it’s likely you're being manipulated.
- They’d probably get angry if you were to ask them for help in return.
They constantly portray themselves as the victim.
Whenever they recount a story, they always see themselves as the wronged party. You’ll often hear about how people in their life—friends, family, coworkers—have mistreated them, and how tough their life is. They never acknowledge their own faults, as they believe they’re never at fault.
- If you ever ask them for an apology, they’re likely to refuse.
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If you feel like you’re being betrayed, it may be time to step back from this person. They’re not a trustworthy friend, colleague, or acquaintance, because they don’t genuinely care about you.
