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You will not only suffer when caught in the abusive cycle of a narcissist – their unpredictable emotions make it difficult to know where you truly stand in the relationship. Narcissists do this intentionally – they want to leave you confused. To help, we’ve consulted psychological experts who explain the narcissist’s abusive cycle, the motivations behind their actions, and how to recognize when they want to break up with you. To decode their behavior, continue reading our comprehensive guide below.
Steps
They become emotionally distant.
A narcissist will typically drop their loving facade once you're in the relationship. At first, they are extremely charming and affectionate, even overwhelming you with their attention. This technique is known as ‘love bombing,’ a common narcissistic tactic to manipulate their partner from the very beginning. Once you’re ensnared, the narcissist will cast you aside.
They constantly criticize you.
Narcissists will make you feel defective when they decide to leave you. By the end of the narcissistic abuse cycle, nothing you do will ever satisfy them, and they will exploit every opportunity to belittle you. Often, they will exaggerate an imaginary flaw or a small mistake of yours. Soon enough, all you'll get from a narcissist are constant criticisms.
- Narcissists lack self-esteem, which is why they often criticize others to build themselves up. They secretly want to destroy your self-worth – because if they don't have it, neither should you. Don't fall for their lies.
They blame you for everything.
A narcissist can't take responsibility for their own problems, so they will blame you. Narcissists have low self-worth, and they hide this by inflating their egos. Unable to take responsibility for anything, they will make you the scapegoat. This behavior starts slowly, but intensifies as the relationship deteriorates.
- Narcissists are skilled at making others feel guilty. They will convince you that you are at fault, and may even make you apologize (even if you're not to blame).
- Resistance rarely works. Your perspective means nothing to a narcissist; they will always “shut you down” even when you have evidence of your innocence.
- Being manipulated like this is unbearable, but now you know what to watch for, and you can regain control of your power.
They are always angry or irritable.
A narcissist will treat you like an annoyance because they are afraid. In the beginning, when they first met you, they adored and admired you, didn't they? Now, when you're with them, even your breathing seems wrong. Your very existence appears to irritate them. Their negative and aggressive attitude sometimes becomes unbearable.
- Why the change? Once you're involved with them, the narcissist begins to panic. They fear you will see through their true nature and leave them, so they choose to make you feel bad first.
They are always picking fights with you over trivial matters.
A narcissist does this to distract you and plant seeds of negativity. They will make a mountain out of a molehill, no matter how meaningless the issue might be. For example, they will explode just because you “didn't load the dishwasher properly.” Usually, they will drag the argument out until you're completely exhausted.
- Not only will they blame you for the fights, but they will also try to justify their anger. Arguing with them is pointless. In their mind, they are always right, and you are wrong. End of story.
They take advantage of you.
A narcissist will exploit you in every way possible before discarding you. They will ask for help, borrow money, demand praise/attention, drain your emotional energy, violate your boundaries, and do anything that benefits them without consequences. To a narcissist, you are just a tool to be used for their gain.
- Once you recognize this behavior, try to refuse their demands as much as you can.
They refuse affectionate gestures.
A narcissist wants you to feel like an outsider before they leave you. Have they started avoiding touching you and turning away when you try to hug them? Refusing affection is a common tactic used by narcissists when they turn against you. Suddenly, they stop kissing or hugging you, recoil when you touch them, and reject intimacy. Like always, this behavior is about control.
They accuse you of cheating.
Narcissists may create "reasons" to break up with you. Have they suddenly become paranoid, accusing you of betrayal? These accusations are just an excuse for the narcissist to justify ending the relationship. The key is that the breakup must be entirely your fault, so the narcissist won't hesitate to fabricate such a serious lie to excuse their actions.
- They might even start telling others that you cheated on them or spread malicious lies to tarnish your reputation and ruin your image.
They manipulate your emotions.
The narcissist’s goal is to control you, confuse you, and break you down. Emotional manipulation involves lying or denying the truth to make you second-guess yourself. For instance, they may try to make you doubt your memory or perception of events. This manipulation often begins early in the relationship and intensifies as it comes to an end. Common emotional manipulation tactics include:
- Tone policing: They accuse you of overreacting or tell you to calm down to dismiss your feelings. For example: "You’re blowing this out of proportion."
- Blocking/diverting: They make you question your memory and doubt yourself. For instance: "You’re crazy, that never happened" or "You’re just imagining things."
- Stonewalling: They refuse to discuss things with you. If you bring up an issue, they change the subject, pretend they didn’t hear you, or walk away.
They ignore everything you say.
A narcissist uses uncooperative behavior to diminish you. As the abuse cycle reaches its end, a narcissist wants you to feel insignificant. They ignore your comments and avoid your questions until you feel invisible. If this behavior continues for several days, it’s likely they’re preparing to end things with you. They may still be physically present, but will not respond when you try to engage with them.
They block all forms of communication with you.
When a narcissist leaves you, they rarely have the courage to face you. Instead of having a direct conversation and resolving things before the breakup, they will block your attempts to reach them and expect you to understand. They will ignore your messages, decline your calls, unfollow you on social media, and do everything possible to make it seem like you no longer exist.
- You don’t deserve to be treated this way and have been hurt, but now the abuse cycle has ended. The important thing is not to let this person return to your life.
- They may try to win you back with sweet words, but they will repeat the abuse cycle again. If they contact you, do not respond.
