How to Reconcile with Your Best Friend

We all experience moments of conflict with our closest friends, and sometimes it feels like we might lose them for good. Fortunately, true friends usually reconcile because they genuinely care for one another. It might be difficult, but staying positive helps. Even if you’ve had an argument, or if they’ve found a new best friend or moved away, you can still repair the relationship.

Share your feelings with them. Perhaps they miss you as much as you miss them, but one of you has to take the first step in expressing these feelings. Let your friend know how much you miss them and emphasize how important they are in your life.

• You can say: "You’re like a sister to me, without you, I feel like I’m missing a family member."
• If your friend has been spending more time with their partner or a new friend recently, let them know that you also wish they could spend time with you. Explain that you understand how important this new person is to them and emphasize that you’re not trying to break up their relationship. You could say: "I’m so happy you’ve found someone who makes you happy. But I really miss the times we used to hang out together."
• Even if it feels awkward, be honest with your friend. You can say: "The past few weeks have been really tough for me because you’re my best friend. I’m used to chatting with you every day, but it seems like you’ve been so busy lately that you don’t have time for me anymore."

Don’t make assumptions. There are many reasons why someone might spend less time with you, so don’t quickly assume that a few unanswered messages or missed plans mean that they no longer want to hang out. Your friend might be dealing with something stressful or time-consuming that prevents them from socializing with you.

• Understand that your friend may have other important matters in their life that don't involve you or any other friends.
• If your friend spends a lot of time with someone else, think that perhaps, in some way, this person fits better into their life than you. For example, your friend and their new companion may both be divorced, share a similar cultural background, or have the responsibility of caring for a sick family member.

Apologize. If you’ve done something wrong, apologizing is the first step in mending your friendship. A simple "I’m sorry" is rarely enough. You need to be more specific and clear about what happened. Even if the conflict wasn’t your fault, you may need to take the first step and apologize.

• Let them know what you did and why it was wrong.
• Say something like: "I’m sorry I forgot your birthday. I know it hurt you a lot because if you’d forgotten mine, I would feel the same way."

Use first-person pronouns like 'I' or 'me' when speaking. Don’t generalize for both of you or impose your feelings on the other person. You might have a different perspective on what happened and didn’t mean to hurt your friend, but what matters most is that you share your feelings and understand each other.

• Avoid saying things like, "You never listen to me!" Instead, try saying: "I feel like you haven’t really heard me out, and it’s been really frustrating."

Take responsibility for your actions. When apologizing, don’t try to justify your actions. Don’t come up with excuses, even if you think what you did or what happened was completely reasonable. There’s no excuse for hurting your friend, just as they have no excuse for hurting you.

• For example, don’t say: "I’m sorry I forgot your birthday. I was so busy last week that I just didn’t remember anything." Even if your reason is genuine, it makes your apology seem less sincere because you’re giving an excuse.
• Instead, say: "I know I was wrong."

Don’t place blame. Regardless of who started the argument or what was said, your focus should be on moving past it. Think about how much you need that best friend in your life and remind yourself that dwelling on who did what will only make things worse.

• Avoid saying things like: "I’m sorry you feel that way," because this means you’re blaming the other person. It suggests that your actions weren’t wrong, and that they’re overreacting.
• If you feel like you’ve been unfairly blamed, you can say: "I heard you think this is all my fault, is that true?" If the answer is yes, then you can explain the situation.

Make a plan for reconciliation. The healing process begins when you talk to your best friend to resolve the conflict, but that’s not enough to restore your friendship to how it was before. The next step is to suggest some activities that you can enjoy together. Rebuilding your friendship takes effort, and your apology will carry more weight if it’s paired with a specific plan.

• You could invite your friend to watch a popular movie together. This way, you can spend time without needing to talk, and afterward, you’ll have a common topic to discuss, which will relieve the pressure of finding something to say.

Limit your contact. If your friend says they need time alone, respect that. They might need time to calm down, reflect on everything, and heal. Continuously calling, texting, emailing, or disturbing them won’t help and might even make things worse.

• Keep communication polite and light. When you see them at school or work, greet them with a smile, wave, or nod.
• Don’t mistake this for ignoring your friend. Be open and willing to offer help if needed.
• Don’t try to gather information about your friend through mutual friends, and don’t ask them to pick sides.

Don’t be clingy. Let your friend decide where to go and who to be with. When you feel like you're losing your best friend, you may tend to overly focus on them, but this often backfires. If you act like your friend isn’t allowed to meet new people in their life, they might try to push you away even more.

• If your friend is busier than usual, find something to do that also keeps you occupied so you aren’t dependent on them as much.
• If you're jealous of your friend's new relationship, remember that over time, you’ll find new friends or even a romantic partner too.

Engage in new activities. Instead of sitting around obsessing over your best friend, distract yourself by trying something fun that you've always wanted to do. If you’re not sure what to do, you could check out any upcoming events in your area or visit some interesting shops, for example.

Meet new people. While it’s important not to rush into replacing your best friend, it's a good idea to start forming new connections. Don’t rush into friendships or relationships, but be open to getting to know other people.

• Join a club
• Hang out with other friends
• Host a party

Know when to let go. Sometimes, when someone says they need space, it means they want that space permanently. Although losing a close friend is tough, living life without them is something you will have to do. Think of it as a lesson that will help you build better friendships in the future. Reflect on what caused this friendship to end and use that lesson to guide your choices in future friendships.

• Allow yourself to grieve. Feeling sad about losing a friend, as if something has died forever, is essential to moving on. It’s perfectly normal to cry, so let those tears help lighten the burden.
• Even if your friend didn’t end things clearly, say your goodbye by writing them a letter you won’t send or find a personal way to say goodbye to them.

Ignore the gossip. Rumors will only harm your friendship. If someone is bad-mouthing your best friend, ask them to stop and refuse to listen if they claim your friend has spoken ill of you. Even if it’s true, it won’t make anything better.

• Simply say: “I’m not interested in hearing that.”

Forgive and forget. Start fresh. Once the conflict has been resolved, don’t continue to hold it over your friend, act distant, or bring up their mistakes every time you argue. Let everything fade into the past and move forward.

• Focus on the future.
• If similar issues arise in the future, think them over, but don’t rush to conclusions.

Attend group events with your best friend. It can feel a bit awkward when you're trying to rebuild a friendship. So, going with a group of friends will help both of you spend time together more comfortably.

• Invite the whole group to go out for dinner.
• Find out about local or school events and pick one that both of you are excited about.

Understand that forming new relationships is completely natural. If your friend meets new people, don’t assume it means your friendship is over. One of you will eventually find a new romantic partner or best friend. If it’s your friend, though it’s hard to accept, you need to realize this happens to everyone.

• Don’t feel like you’ve been replaced. Your friend isn’t trying to swap you for someone else. They’ve simply found someone else who’s a good fit for them.
• Your friendship might change a little, but it doesn’t end.
• Get to know the new person. Stay open-minded and learn more about them. If it’s your friend’s new partner, celebrate their happiness and show them you’re trustworthy.

Spend time together in different ways. If life changes mean your best friend can’t spend as much time with you, such as due to a family member being ill, a new baby, or increased work/school commitments, try to adjust to their schedule. As life evolves, the time you spend together needs to change too. Let your friend know you can still make time for each other.

• Visit them during lunch breaks.
• Join an activity that your friend regularly participates in, like a gym class.
• If your friend has a new relationship, let them know you'd like to hang out solo sometimes. Say, “Your new boyfriend is great, but can we have lunch together just the two of us this weekend?”

Do things you both enjoy together. To rebuild your friendship, spend time doing something you both love, ideally something that’s meaningful to your bond. This will remind you both of the fun memories and help leave past issues behind. For example, if you both love singing, go for a karaoke session together.