Buzz
Understanding that you're overly clingy is the first step towards changing your behavior. Clingy people often become fixated on someone new, whether it's in a friendship or a romantic setting. Soon, you might find yourself texting or calling them constantly, wanting to hang out every day, and feeling distressed when you're left alone. If you've noticed yourself acting this way, or if others have asked for space, it's time to adjust your approach to relationships and work on developing healthier boundaries. Here’s how you can start.
Key Insights
- Insecurities, trust issues, and anxiety can lead to clinginess.
- Building your self-confidence and learning to let go of past wounds can help you become less dependent on others.
- Respect others' space by investing time in your own hobbies and not overwhelming them with texts and calls. However, if they're comfortable with constant communication, feel free to stay in touch frequently.
Actionable Steps
Focus on Self-Improvement
Boost your self-esteem. Many people exhibit clingy behavior because they lack self-acceptance and feel insecure about being alone, abandoned, or ignored. Clingy individuals often become overly suspicious that others are having fun without them, believing that no one truly likes them. Overcome these negative thoughts and work on embracing who you are. When you're self-assured, you won't fixate on the fear of abandonment and will be less prone to clinginess.
- Identify at least three things that make you unique. Learn to appreciate yourself.
- Enjoy mastering something, whether it's running, the work you put in, or your ability to bring joy to others.
- Carry yourself with confidence. Stand tall, keep your arms relaxed, and smile often.
- Address your imperfections. Everyone has them, and confronting yours will make you feel better about yourself.
Address your trust issues. Many clingy individuals struggle with trust, often due to past experiences like abandonment, betrayal by a close friend, or infidelity. These painful events can linger, but you must learn to approach each new relationship with a fresh perspective and not let past wounds define your present interactions.
- Release the people or situations that caused you pain in the past and focus on creating healthy, fulfilling relationships in the future.
- Remind yourself that clinging to others won't make them more loyal to you – in fact, it often drives them away.
- Be patient with yourself. Trust issues can't be fixed overnight, but with small steps, you can start to open yourself up to trusting others without feeling the need to constantly stay close.
Reduce your anxiety. A lot of clinginess is rooted in anxiety – the fear of being alone forever, not having a best friend, or worrying about what others are saying when you're not around. You might also feel anxious about entering new or multiple relationships, so you stick to the ones you're familiar with to avoid the unknown.
- Much of anxiety is accompanied by stress. If you're feeling overwhelmed by a hectic life, take steps to manage stress through practices like meditation, yoga, and maintaining a balanced sleep schedule to ease your anxiety.
- Before entering a social situation, take a few deep breaths. Remind yourself that it's okay to interact with new people and step outside of your comfort zone instead of sticking to the person you're with.
Speak to someone about your feelings. If you find yourself constantly relying on your mother, boyfriend, or best friend for reassurance, it may be time to have a conversation about your clinginess. Open up to someone close to you, such as a friend, partner, or family member. If your feelings feel overwhelming, consider speaking to a doctor or therapist to explore whether your behavior is linked to anxiety or depression.
- Having a conversation with someone can help uncover the root cause of your clinginess. There are many reasons for this behavior – maybe you grew up competing for attention among siblings, or perhaps a past relationship ended due to lack of investment, and now you're overcompensating.
Handling Your Relationships Effectively
Respect people's need for space. Allowing space is crucial for maintaining balanced relationships. Whether it's with your best friend or partner, taking time apart can actually make the time you spend together more meaningful.
- Respect communication boundaries. Avoid excessive texting, calling, or showing up uninvited unless the other person enjoys frequent contact. This can be overwhelming and inconsiderate. Ensure that the person you're reaching out to reciprocates the effort.
- Avoid overwhelming others. Smothering someone means constantly being present and probing into every detail of their day, not giving them room to be themselves.
- Try to spend at least three times as much time apart as you do together. Even if you're deeply in love or close to someone, know that the intensity won't last forever.
- Make time for your own interests when you're not with the person you care about. View this time as an opportunity to grow, not just as a waiting period until you can see them again.
- Pay attention to signals. If someone is withdrawing or not responding as frequently, they might need some personal space. Don’t insist on being around more, but instead, respect their need for solitude.
Take it easy when meeting someone new. Many clingy individuals rush into new relationships, whether with someone they've just met or only been on a couple of dates with. This behavior stems from a fear of being rejected and a belief that they need to secure the person’s affection by being overly available. Take things slowly and avoid overloading the relationship with your presence.
- Don’t plan your entire social life around a new person, as it may cause them to feel overwhelmed and push them away.
- Hold off on revealing how much you're seeking a new close friend or partner—this can make the other person uncomfortable.
- Ensure there's a balance in how often you initiate meetups. Both parties should put in equal effort to spend time together.
Don’t try to play the caretaker role. Clingy individuals often believe others need constant attention or help, even when it's not necessary. While there are times when people need assistance, it's important not to take on a maternal role with everyone you meet, assuming that they can’t live without your guidance and support.
- If someone needs your help, they'll typically reach out to you. Don’t assume that you’re required to be the constant caregiver for others.
Pay attention to your body language. Your body language can unintentionally overwhelm others and give the impression that you're invading their personal space. When spending time with a friend, be mindful not to stand too close, shower them with excessive hugs or touches, or play with their hair or accessories, as this could be smothering.
- If you're with a partner, cuddling and kissing are great, but constantly holding hands or sticking together at social events can come across as overbearing.
- Although it's important to engage with the person you're talking to, avoid cornering them with intense eye contact or preventing them from interacting with others.
Don’t let yourself be taken for granted. One of the risks of being too clingy is that you might become overlooked or undervalued. When you're always available, whether for a friend or a partner, they may come to expect your presence without appreciating your efforts. To avoid being taken for granted, try not to be constantly accessible.
- Show that you have a full life outside of the relationship. Talk about your other social activities and don’t always prioritize time with the person you’re clinging to.
- Let others know you're busy with things like school projects, sports, or family events. This way, they understand that your schedule is already packed, and you can’t just drop everything to see them.
- Avoid jumping to answer every call or respond to messages immediately. If you do, it might seem like you don’t have anything more important going on.
EXPERT ADVICE
John Keegan
Relationship Coach
Relationship Coach
You don’t need to chase after someone who truly values you. Do you always find yourself reaching out first and organizing plans, only to be met with little or no effort in return? This could indicate that there’s a deeper imbalance in the relationship. Consider having an honest conversation about the need for mutual effort with the person you feel is taking you for granted.
Embrace the beauty of space. Once you stop being clingy, you’ll truly come to love maintaining a healthy distance from the people you care about. This space allows you to focus on personal growth, dive into your interests and ambitions, and appreciate your relationships even more when you come together. A rich, fulfilling life full of your own activities is far more rewarding than spending all your time with one person.
- Take joy in nurturing several fulfilling relationships, rather than obsessing over just one individual.
- Periodically check in with others, but don’t overdo it. Asking, "Am I overwhelming you this week?" can help you become more mindful of your clingy tendencies.
- Celebrate your ability to be comfortable alone, and relish in pursuing your passions independently. This will not only increase your self-love but will also attract others to you naturally.
Living a More Fulfilling Life
Follow your own passions. The best way to stop being clingy is to lead a life packed with exciting pursuits that give you something to look forward to. If you have little going on for yourself, it’s easy to become fixated on your partner or best friend. But when your life is filled with passion, you’ll naturally spend less time seeking attention from others. Consider these options:
- Discover your passion. Whether it’s photography, yoga, or playing the piano, don’t hesitate to try new things that could enrich your life.
- Find an engaging form of exercise. Whether it's running, mountain biking, or kickboxing, exercise helps you release energy and boosts your confidence. If you commit to regular classes, you'll create a routine that doesn’t rely on others for entertainment.
- Set aside a few hours each week for a hobby that excites you. Whether you’re into songwriting, gardening, or crafting jewelry, dedicating time to activities you love will help you enjoy your own company.
Chase your own goals. Just as pursuing your own interests is crucial, so is focusing on your personal goals. Working toward your dreams will keep your mind focused on your future, rather than worrying about what others are doing. Regardless of your age, having both short-term and long-term goals will help you stay motivated and centered on your own progress.
- Start with short-term goals. This could be training for a 5K or finally finishing a book like War and Peace. Write down these goals in your planner to stay on track.
- Create a plan to achieve your long-term dreams. Whether it’s graduating with a specific GPA, earning a promotion, or writing a novel, plotting out steps toward these goals will keep you engaged and focused.
- Journaling can be a powerful tool to keep track of your goals and your personal growth. It will help you stay in tune with your desires and visualize the future you want to create for yourself.
Grow your social circle. Expanding your social network is a great way to prevent clinginess. When you only have one or two close relationships, it’s easy to become overly attached. But when you have a broader circle of friends, your focus will naturally shift away from just one person. Here’s how to build your network:
- Expanding your circle doesn’t mean having ten best friends. Start by inviting a casual acquaintance for coffee, or turning a friendly face into a real connection.
- Be more outgoing with colleagues or classmates. This could develop into friendships, or at the very least, give you opportunities to socialize. Even a monthly happy hour with coworkers can broaden your social circle.
- Reconnect with old friends. You may have neglected some relationships while focusing on just one person. Reaching out to these friends and making amends can refresh your network.
- Don’t hesitate to initiate a “friend date.” If you bond with someone at a party, suggest a yoga class or a wine night to continue building your connection.
Learn to embrace solitude. Many clingy individuals struggle with spending time alone and prefer to be constantly surrounded by others. If you’re always seeking company, being alone can feel challenging. However, learning to appreciate your "me time" is a key step in building self-confidence, discovering what makes you happy, and simply recharging. Here are some ways to learn to enjoy your own company:
- Take long walks. Not only does this benefit your health, but it also allows you time to reflect on your thoughts.
- Develop a love for reading. Books are not only an excellent source of entertainment and knowledge, but they can also become a cherished companion.
- Redecorate your living space. Transforming your surroundings will help you connect with your personal taste and make you eager to spend time in your space.
Volunteer. Volunteering offers a great way to contribute to your community while making you feel valued and useful, rather than dependent. Get involved in activities such as helping at a local soup kitchen, cleaning a park, or tutoring at a library.
- Once you find a volunteer opportunity you enjoy, aim to dedicate at least one or two days a week to it. This helps keep your schedule busy and fulfilling, reducing reliance on others.
- Volunteering can also expand your social network. You might meet another volunteer with whom you form a strong connection, sparking a new friendship.
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Let absence strengthen relationships. Every individual in your life is important, and by giving them space, they will grow more fond of you. This applies to both sides—setting boundaries and not always being in each other’s space helps you both breathe and grow, making your relationships healthier and more fulfilling.
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If you're with someone who’s clingy, gently suggest activities that align with their interests. Encourage them to enjoy these pursuits either alone or with others. Gradually, they’ll see the value in doing things independently. To ease this transition, try mixing independent activities with shared ones so the balance shifts naturally.
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Recognize the signs of your own clinginess. If you notice irritation or frustration from the people around you, take a step back. Instead of using their reactions against them, reflect on your behavior. Use it as a mirror to change your approach and find new ways to interact while respecting their space.
Warnings
- Long-term clinginess can drive people away and wear out their patience. Eventually, even the most tolerant individuals will begin to feel manipulated, especially when it seems like the clinginess is a constant pattern targeted at them.
