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Being in a relationship can feel incredibly rewarding and fulfilling. The bond you share with someone who cares for you deeply is truly special. However, there are times when emotions such as jealousy or insecurity might arise, leading to tension within the relationship. You might catch yourself doubting your partner, making unfounded accusations, or displaying possessive behaviors unintentionally. The good news is that you can learn to overcome possessiveness. By calming yourself in those moments, strengthening the trust between you and your partner, and addressing possessiveness head-on, you can foster a healthier, more balanced relationship.
Key Takeaways
- Pause and take a deep breath, allowing yourself to speak calmly and apologize if needed.
- Strengthen trust with your partner by openly discussing any feelings of possessiveness and exploring the underlying reasons respectfully.
- Focus on self-care and building your confidence; if your possessiveness becomes overwhelming, seeking professional help may be beneficial.
Actionable Steps
Calming Yourself in the Moment
Step away for a moment. When you start to feel possessive toward your partner, it can be helpful to take a brief pause and reflect on your feelings. Taking a short break allows you to assess your actions, understand why you're feeling this way, and consider the potential impact on your relationship.
- For example, if you're dining out with your partner and begin to feel possessive because the waiter is being overly friendly, politely excuse yourself for a moment.
- If you can't physically leave the area, take a mental break instead. Focus on your breathing by taking three deep, slow breaths.
- Use this time to ask yourself why you're feeling possessive. Questions like, “Am I feeling jealous? What is triggering these emotions?” can help you process your feelings.
Communicate your feelings calmly. It's perfectly normal to experience occasional feelings of jealousy or insecurity. What's important is to express these emotions to your partner in a calm, mature manner. By doing so, you can reduce possessiveness and create space for understanding.
- Let your partner know how you're feeling and what is causing these emotions.
- Be clear about what they can do to help you manage these feelings.
- You could say something like, “I’m feeling possessive right now, which is silly, but I think it’s because I’m jealous of the attention you’re getting.”
Apologize when necessary. There may be moments when your possessiveness shows through unexpectedly. If that happens, it's important to apologize to your partner and anyone else involved.
- For instance, if you acted rudely to a cashier because you felt possessive when they spoke to your partner, it’s essential to apologize to both the cashier and your partner.
- When apologizing to someone else, you could say, “I’m sorry for my behavior earlier. It was inappropriate, and I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
- To apologize to your partner, you might start with, “I owe you an apology for how I acted. I was feeling too possessive. It’s no excuse, but that’s what was happening.”
Building Trust in Your Relationship
Address Relationship Concerns. Sometimes possessiveness stems from issues within the relationship that make you question its stability. In these situations, it's essential to address the concerns with your partner. By doing so, you can resolve the issues, gain clarity on where your relationship stands, and work toward reducing possessiveness.
- Let your partner know you want to talk about the concerns you've been having. You might say, “Can we have a conversation about some of the challenges we’ve been facing?”
- Engage in an open and honest dialogue about what has been bothering you.
- Bear in mind that resolving deep issues, such as past betrayals, may require multiple conversations and time. Unresolved issues can continue to erode trust.
- Reader Poll: We asked 929 Mytour readers about their role in their relationships, and only 4% of them said I feel like my needs are being met. [Take Poll]
- If you feel your needs aren't being met, it’s important to share that with your partner.
Trust Your Partner. A fundamental aspect of a successful relationship is trust. You must trust that your partner cares for you and is truthful with you, just as they expect the same from you. Being overly possessive undermines that trust. To be less possessive, cultivate faith in your partner's actions and feelings.
- Trust your partner when they tell you where they are going or what they’re doing. You don't need to check up on them to ensure they're being faithful.
- Believe your partner when they speak. Unless there’s clear evidence to the contrary, trust what they say.
- Trust in your partner's affection for you. Believe that they care about you just as much as they express.
Respect Your Partner. Possessiveness can sometimes lead to disrespectful behavior toward your partner, yourself, or others. You might say or do things that are hurtful or humiliating. To foster a stronger relationship, show your partner the respect they deserve and reduce possessiveness.
- Speak to and about your partner with respect. Avoid yelling, screaming, or saying things intended to hurt their feelings.
- Respect your partner’s privacy. Don’t go through their personal belongings or read their messages without permission – doing so often leads to misunderstandings.
Talk with Your Partner. Once you recognize that you need to address your possessiveness, it's crucial to have an open conversation with your partner about it. This dialogue will help you curb those jealous and possessive feelings.
- Let your partner know you've realized your possessive behavior. For example, say something like, “Can we talk? I know I've been acting possessively lately.”
- Explain the reasons behind your feelings, such as, “I’ve been feeling jealous because of unresolved issues from past relationships.”
- Make sure to listen to your partner as well. It should be a two-way conversation where you also understand how your possessiveness affects them.
Preventing Possessive Behavior Moving Forward
Be truthful with yourself. Acknowledging that you may be overly possessive with your partner is an important first step in overcoming this behavior. You also need to be honest with yourself about the reasons behind your actions. Being self-aware will help you address the underlying issues that drive your possessiveness.
- Consider whether your possessiveness is rooted in past experiences. For instance, did a previous partner leave you for someone else, or was there infidelity in your family when you were growing up?
- Evaluate whether your partner's behavior contributes to your possessiveness. Do they flirt with others frequently, for example?
- Reflect on any self-esteem or confidence challenges you might be facing. Do you feel unattractive, or that your partner is too good for you?
EXPERT ADVICE
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Marriage & Family Therapist
Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Is your jealousy stemming from issues outside of your partner's actions? If so, communicate that openly. Share how past experiences may be influencing your current emotions instead of placing blame. Transparent communication fosters trust and strengthens relationships.
Believe in yourself. Possessiveness often stems from feelings of insecurity. You might feel unworthy of your partner, which leads to possessive behavior. If your actions are driven by personal doubts or insecurities, boost your self-confidence to become less possessive.
- Keep a journal or create a list of your positive qualities. Include everything, from your great sense of humor to your love for anime and all the little things that make you unique.
- Practice positive self-talk. For instance, look in the mirror and affirm, “I’m an amazing person, and Kelsey is lucky to have me, just as I’m lucky to have Kelsey.”
- Write down compliments your partner gives you or moments when they show you they care.
Prioritize self-care. It’s much easier to feel jealous and act possessively when you’re exhausted, stressed, or unwell. When you’re physically and mentally drained, it’s harder to manage possessive tendencies. To reduce possessiveness, focus on your health.
- Eat balanced meals and nutritious snacks to ensure your body has the energy it needs.
- Incorporate regular physical activity into your routine to reduce stress and help you stay calm when you feel possessive or jealous.
- Aim for 6 – 8 hours of sleep each night. Create a consistent bedtime routine to help you rest properly.
Consider professional support. When possessiveness becomes intense, it can harm your relationship and cause emotional, mental, or even physical pain to both you and your partner. If people around you, including your partner, suggest that you be less possessive, it’s a sign to seek professional help.
- A counselor or therapist can help you uncover the reasons behind your possessiveness and guide you toward healthier relationship habits.
- If you’re part of a religious community, you might also seek advice from your religious leader. For example, you could say, “Can we talk later? I’m feeling too possessive in my relationship.”
- A marriage, family, or relationship counselor can also support you and your partner in addressing any challenges you're facing together.
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Trust your partner. They chose to be with you, not someone else.
Important Considerations
- Excessive possessiveness can lead your partner to feel that you lack trust in them, which can create tension and challenges in the relationship.
