Buzz
Getting back together with an ex can be risky. However, if you approach it with emotional maturity, you may be able to reignite your relationship and make it stronger than before. Focusing on your personal growth and what you both can do to be better partners will help your relationship thrive as you give it another chance. With clear communication and a level-headed approach, you can start anew with your ex in a healthier, more stable way.
Steps
Reuniting with Your Ex
Prioritize your personal growth first. Breakups are challenging, and overcoming emotional pain can be difficult. Focus on improving yourself by maintaining a healthy diet, exercising regularly, and setting personal goals. If your ex sees you as a more well-rounded individual, they may be more open to rekindling the relationship, possibly even drawn to you once they realize what they’re missing.
- Approaching your ex when you're in a bad emotional state could result in them feeling sorry for you, which is never an ideal situation.
Attract your ex by maintaining some distance. Constantly texting or messaging your ex on social media may overwhelm them. Instead, focus on your own life and personal goals until you feel self-assured enough to reach out again.
- Demonstrating that you're thriving without them can make you more appealing to your ex.
Reach out when you're emotionally prepared. If your breakup is still recent, it may be too early to reconnect. Consider contacting your ex when you're emotionally stable enough to handle potential rejection, rather than when the breakup is still fresh.
- It can be tough, as there's no exact timeline for when you'll feel ready. If you're simply feeling lonely or yearning for a relationship, it’s best to wait a little longer.
- You can initiate the conversation with something like, “Hey, would you be open to meeting up? I'd like to talk about the possibility of dating again, if you're interested.”
Share your feelings and reasons for wanting to date again. Many people view breakups as the final end of a relationship, so your ex might not expect this conversation. Sit down with your ex and express why you believe your relationship could work this time, and be ready to answer any questions they may have.
- For example, you might say, “I know we had challenges before. I’ve really focused on improving myself, and I believe we can make it work this time.”
- Your ex might also decline or feel uncertain about giving the relationship another chance, which is understandable. Listen to their concerns and discuss ways to address them together.
- Reader Poll: We asked 641 Mytour readers about the best way to handle a changing relationship with an ex, and 64% agreed that honest, open communication is crucial to fostering a healthy, happy dynamic. [Take Poll]
Discuss any relationships you had while apart. If you dated someone after breaking up, it’s important to inform your ex. Similarly, if they were in a relationship, ask them about it. While you don’t need to get into details, it’s essential to be open about any romantic involvement during your time apart.
- It might be difficult to hear about your ex’s relationships, but it’s better to know now than be caught off guard later.
- If your ex feels hurt by your past relationships, try to address their concerns before fully committing to rekindling your relationship to avoid future complications.
Commit to working through your past issues. Having been together before, you’re both aware of potential problems that might arise again. As you discuss your new relationship, it’s important to address the challenges you faced in the past and agree on how to prevent them in the future. Focus on solutions rather than assigning blame.
- For instance, if money caused frequent conflicts, agree to be more transparent about finances to avoid misunderstandings.
- If you struggled with differing views on marriage, discuss your long-term goals and where you see yourselves in the future.
- If trust was an issue, agree to be fully honest with one another from now on.
Establishing a Healthy Relationship
Progress gradually in your relationship. Regardless of where you were in your previous relationship, this one is new. Whether you were living together, engaged, or even married, approach it as if you are dating for the first time again.
- Taking things slowly gives both of you the opportunity to address any negative patterns that contributed to your breakup.
- If you previously lived together, it might be wise to spend some time apart before fully committing to living together again.
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Make fresh memories instead of repeating old ones. If you’ve been with your ex for a while, it’s easy to slip back into familiar routines. Try doing new and exciting things together to reignite your connection and revive the romance.
- For instance, you could set up a weekly date night to try out a new restaurant you've never been to before.
- Or plan a spontaneous weekend trip to an unfamiliar town to explore together.
Focus on changing old habits. If you catch yourself slipping back into the same behavior patterns that led to past issues, acknowledge them and take steps to change. Now that you understand what might have caused the breakup, make a conscious effort to prevent those things from happening again.
- It’s easy to promise that you'll handle finances better, but the real challenge is sticking to a budget and avoiding unnecessary spending every month.
- You can also ask your partner to hold you accountable by checking in on your habits. If they notice something concerning, they can bring it up before it turns into a problem.
Communicate with calmness and respect. If your partner is doing something that bothers you, calmly sit down and discuss it with them. You should also ask them to do the same when you have an issue. It’s essential to address problems as soon as they arise, without yelling or accusing each other.
- Effective communication is one of the strongest indicators that a relationship will succeed. Once communication breaks down, that's when the real issues begin.
- For instance, you might say, “I noticed you’ve been staying out late again without letting me know, and it upset me before. Can we discuss this before it becomes a bigger problem?”
- If communication is still difficult, consider seeking help from a couples' therapist.
Avoid constantly discussing your breakup. It was likely painful for both of you, and it’s not necessary to bring it up every day or whenever there’s an argument. Focus on enjoying your time together, rather than dwelling on past hurts.
- When you decide to give your relationship another chance, make sure you’ve truly moved on from the issues that caused the breakup. If you haven't fully healed, you might bring up those old issues just to hurt each other again later.
Evaluating the Pros and Cons
Reflect on why you want to date your ex again. Is it because you're feeling lonely? Or do you truly miss your ex for who they are? If you're considering getting back together just because you don't want to be single anymore, it might be a good idea to focus on yourself for a while.
- Rushing into a relationship simply to avoid being alone often leads to problems, especially when it's with someone you’ve been involved with before.
Examine the reasons behind your breakup. If you still haven’t fully processed the breakup or gotten over the reasons for it, it's best to pause before reaching out. Think deeply about what led to the split before attempting to reconnect with your ex.
- For example, if your ex cheated on you, consider whether you are truly willing to forgive them before deciding to get back together.
- If the breakup occurred because you simply grew apart, reflect on how you could reconnect and rekindle your bond in the future.
Reflect on both the difficult and joyful moments. It's easy to focus only on the happy times when looking back on your relationship. However, before deciding to reignite the relationship, consider the times when you felt frustrated, angry, or sad. Are you willing to risk revisiting those feelings, or is it too much to handle?
- If you're struggling to remember the tough times (which can fade over time), try asking your friends. They might recall when you shared your struggles in the relationship.
Avoid reconnecting with your ex if the relationship was toxic. Toxic relationships can sometimes go unnoticed while you're in them. Reflect on how often you and your ex fought and how well you communicated your concerns. If the relationship brought out the worst in each other, it might be best to move forward separately.
- It could also help to speak with friends and family about it. They may have seen negative patterns in your relationship that you hadn’t recognized.
Should I Reconnect with My Ex?
Join the Conversation...
It's been just under a year since my breakup. While it was tough, we both moved on and have remained amicable. Recently, though, we've been flirting more, and now I'm thinking about asking her out again. Is this a bad idea? I know getting back with an ex isn't always the best choice, but how do you tell if it's just a matter of giving things a second chance to get it right? I'm interested to hear from anyone who has tried this and how it turned out.
Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Licensed Psychologist
I believe there are many reasons people break up. Sometimes it's because they aren't ready for the kind of commitment required, or they need to grow personally, or their partner needs to. People evolve and grow, and in hindsight, they may realize, “I had an amazing partner, and now I feel equipped to meet their needs.” If someone goes through that growth, there's a real possibility of falling back in love with them and rekindling the relationship.
I once got back with an ex, and it was a huge mistake. It seemed like he had changed, and for the first few months, he was so loving and sweet. But once the excitement faded, he fell back into the same bad habits that caused our original breakup. We ended up having the same arguments all over again. My advice? Don’t go back with your ex unless you can truly see that they've changed.
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Read Discussion-
If you find communication challenging, it may be helpful to see a couples counselor who can provide an objective perspective.
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Your ex may not want to date you again, and that’s okay. Focus on yourself and take the time to move on when you're ready.
