How to Repair a Relationship

If you're facing relationship problems, know that you're not alone. Most people are, have been, or will be going through struggles in their relationships. However, you can work through those difficulties if both of you decide to try together to fix it, starting by understanding what went wrong in your relationship.

Recognizing the problems. Any issue can affect your relationship. Perhaps one person is putting in more effort than the other, or maybe you both simply don’t understand each other. You should watch out for signs and signals of the issues you're facing. Here are some things to look out for:

• You feel like your partner wants to change you, like they don't want you doing things you enjoy, want you to alter your personality, or try to control your actions. And the same goes for you—if you want to change your partner, that could indicate a problem.
• You keep arguing about the same issues over and over without finding any solutions.
• You feel like you’re not spending as much time together as before or as much as you'd like.
• One person is being more controlling in the relationship, or one of you feels like things aren’t balanced or fair in some way.

Talk about it with your partner. Bring up the fact that you think something is wrong with your relationship. Be as specific as possible about what you believe is the issue between the two of you, but make sure you are calm when deciding to talk about it. Speak in a calm tone, discussing what you think the relationship problem might be.

• For instance, you might say, "Honey, I want to take a moment to talk about our relationship. I feel like lately we've been having some issues in how we interact, and I’d love for us to discuss how we can fix this."
• Research shows that frequently talking about the right and wrong things happening can improve the relationship over time, as it prevents small issues from piling up into bigger problems.

Focus on the issue, not the person. It's easy to start blaming each other for problems. You might say, "I really hate it when you leave dirty dishes in the sink," which essentially blames the other person. Instead, try to focus on the issue at hand. For example, you could say, "When I forget to wash the dishes, you tend to leave them in the sink. Then, I can't get them all washed because the pile keeps growing. What can we do to improve this situation now?"

Stop keeping things bottled up. If small things annoy you and you don't speak up, they will eventually explode. If you address them early on, they won't escalate into bigger issues.

Suppressing emotions. If you find yourself discussing something while angry or becoming furious during a conversation, perhaps you need to take a moment to calm down. You know what helps you feel better. Maybe you need to go for a walk, listen to music, or soak in the bath. You can also try counting to ten or taking deep breaths. Whatever you need to do, take a few minutes to calm down before continuing the conversation.

• Look for warning signs. If you feel like you must win the argument, it’s time to take a break. At that point, you’re likely to say things you’ll regret or make the argument escalate further.

Consider what the other person is going through. When you're angry, you'll typically only think about how badly you've been treated. However, if you push yourself to consider what your partner is going through, it will gradually pull you away from your own thoughts. Empathy can help you calm down.

• Respecting the other person's feelings is crucial because they have the right to express their emotions, whatever they may be. Whether or not you think they are right, you should still honor how they feel.

Listen attentively. Listening to what the other person says can spark empathy for their emotions. Don't just listen for the sake of it. Truly reflect on what they’re saying and try to understand what’s behind their words.

• One way to show that you're listening is to try summarizing what they said. For example, you could say, "I hear you saying that you feel upset because you have to do more housework than I do."
• Another approach is to ask relevant questions about the issue to ensure you understand what the other person is saying.

Discuss your point of view calmly and clearly. You also have the right to express your feelings and thoughts. What’s important is to remain calm and articulate clearly what you’re feeling and thinking. You can't expect your partner to read your mind and know what you're thinking or how you're feeling.

• Keep talking about what you believe is the issue between the two of you rather than blaming each other. In other words, start your sentences with "I" instead of "you." For example, you could say, "I feel frustrated when the house isn’t clean. Could we create a cleaning schedule that’s easy for both of us to follow?" Instead of saying, "You never clean the house with me!"

Find a way to compromise. The most important aspect of any relationship is learning how to compromise. You can’t expect to always win in arguments because a relationship is about give and take. Compromise is about finding common ground and both of you limiting your arguments.

• Discuss your needs and desires. If you both agree on what you each need, you may not need to focus so much on what you "want." Essentially, you both need to decide what’s most important to you and what’s less important. Learn to be flexible about things that aren’t truly significant.
• If you dislike cleaning the bathroom but your spouse wants you to help more around the house, maybe you could divide the chores into tasks you’re more comfortable with and those they can tolerate better.

Let go of the past. During an argument, it’s easy to throw out hurtful words or bring up past issues to blame the other person. You know exactly how to hit your partner’s weak spots because you know them so well. However, this only causes more anger and can even make the relationship irreparable. Restrain yourself from making those harsh remarks.

Make your relationship a priority. Indifference can cause problems in your relationship. Over time, you may become accustomed to dating, and stop putting as much thought into it as you did before. Once you recognize this issue, you can start working towards changing it.

Know how to respect. Being harsh with each other can easily cause your relationship to break down. If both of you try to be kind and gentle with each other, it will help you reestablish the bond you once had.

Make time for interaction. When you're in a new relationship, you spend time talking and learning about each other's likes. You discuss your fears, preferences, and dislikes. After being together for a while, you may stop doing this. If that’s the case, you need to keep working to rebuild your connection by making time to talk to each other every day. Set aside some private time for both of you, and during that time, try to go beyond just talking about the daily tasks that never change.

Go on a date again. Another way to heal is by planning a date. This means you'll have something to look forward to and a special time to spend together, just the two of you.

Don't forget to touch each other. Physical touch is an essential part of a relationship, and it doesn't only mean intimacy. Kissing, holding hands, hugging, and cuddling are also ways to enhance closeness. Physical contact creates a bond between you and your partner.

Think of specific solutions. Once you've identified a few issues together, talk about potential solutions. How can both of you address the problem in a way that works for both? In other words, find common ground.

• Start with the points you both agree on. Perhaps at least you both agree on the issue itself, or maybe you both agree on the first step to resolve it. For example, you might agree that there's a lack of connection. You can go further and agree that you need to spend more time together.

Make plans together. Once you've agreed on a solution, it's time to turn it into specific plans. For example, if both of you agree that more time together is needed, then perhaps you should plan to date at least once a week.

Respect your partner's needs. Everyone reacts differently to various situations, meaning each person has unique emotional needs. For instance, your partner might need more time together during difficult moments, so make an effort to be there for him or her.

Keep the conversation going. When you feel the urge to interrupt your partner, pause and consider your own emotions. Instead of cutting them off, talk about how it makes you feel and why. In other words, keep working on improving communication with your partner because you can't expect them to read your mind and understand your emotions.

• For example, if your partner suggests going to a restaurant they like, you might want to object immediately due to financial concerns. Instead, say: "Right now, spending money makes me a bit anxious since we are struggling to make it to payday. Can we compromise and go for a picnic instead?"

Don't forget to make time for personal growth. You may find yourself focusing solely on your relationship, but it's equally important to invest time in your own interests. You'll bring more to the relationship when you're an independent person, so spending time apart is essential.

Don't hesitate to seek counseling. Even if your partner is unwilling to join, it can still be beneficial for your relationship. As you begin to change yourself and the way you interact with others, including your partner, positive results will follow. If your partner is open to joining, the outcome could be even better.

• If your relationship involves abuse, it's time to walk away. If your partner physically hurts you or consistently belittles you, trying to fix the relationship is no longer a healthy option.