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Professional psychologists share strategies to reduce tension with your partner
Are you experiencing feelings of isolation, confusion, or difficulty in your relationship? These could be signs of a strained relationship—a term used to describe couples facing ongoing issues that prevent one or both partners from having their needs met. We consulted a licensed clinical psychologist and a licensed marriage and family therapist to uncover effective ways to enhance communication and foster long-term healing in your relationship. Additionally, we’ll explore what defines a relationship as “strained” and how to distinguish it from typical relationship fluctuations. Continue reading to discover more.
Key Points to Consider
- A relationship becomes strained when one or both partners feel their needs are unmet due to trust issues, poor communication, or other challenges.
- Start repairing your relationship by improving communication. Regularly check in with each other to address the underlying causes of tension and share your feelings openly.
- Collaborate on a mutually agreed-upon solution and implement it for a set period. Reassess and adjust your approach as your needs evolve.
Steps to Take
What causes a relationship to become strained?
A relationship can become strained when one or both partners are unable to fulfill each other’s needs or desires. This may occur because one or both individuals are unclear about their own needs, or communication has deteriorated to the point where the status of the relationship is uncertain. Generally, strained relationships are marked by confusion, conflict, unmet expectations, mismatched goals, or emotional disconnect, unlike more stable partnerships.
- The turmoil of a strained relationship often spills over into other aspects of life, such as work, personal well-being, and relationships with others. Certain elements of strain, like constant criticism or unresolved conflict, are also associated with higher levels of depression.
- Strain can arise from internal factors, such as trust issues, differing priorities, or lack of appreciation, or external factors like financial stress or traumatic events.
Strained relationships differ from typical relationship challenges. Even the strongest relationships face occasional conflicts or difficult periods, but this doesn’t automatically indicate a strained relationship. Common issues like financial stress, parenting disagreements, or lack of quality time can arise in any partnership. However, if couples can communicate effectively and resolve these issues, the relationship remains stable. If they resort to constant conflict or anger, the relationship may become strained.
- In strained relationships, differences in values or strengths can create division. In healthier relationships, partners respect and manage their differences constructively.
Signs of a Strained Relationship
Breakdown of trust When trust erodes, you may feel emotionally distant from your partner, especially if trust was previously broken by actions like infidelity or boundary violations. A lack of trust can lead to emotional instability, frequent conflict, or even the dissolution of the relationship.
- Trust is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship. If you believe trust cannot be restored, it’s a strong indicator that the relationship is strained and may be beyond repair.
Communication breakdown Alongside trust, effective communication is a fundamental pillar of a healthy relationship. Communication needs vary between couples, but a breakdown can manifest in one or more of the following ways:
- A total absence of meaningful conversation or interactions that lack depth or emotional connection.
- Keeping secrets or withholding important information from each other.
- Using silence or lack of communication as a form of punishment, often indicating underlying anger.
- Avoiding certain topics out of fear or discomfort, making them off-limits in conversations.
Unresolved conflicts The inability to resolve disagreements peacefully is a key characteristic of a strained relationship. This includes issues that remain unaddressed because one or both partners avoid discussing them (for instance, one partner shuts down when the topic of expanding the family arises). It may also involve:
- A refusal to compromise on significant matters like household responsibilities, parenting styles, or social engagements.
- Reacting to disagreements with passive-aggressive behavior rather than engaging in constructive dialogue.
- Lingering resentments or unresolved judgments that continue to affect the relationship.
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 3085 Mytour readers about their communication during conflicts, and only 6% reported never fighting. [Take Poll] While occasional arguments are normal, it’s crucial to maintain respectful communication during and after disagreements.
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Address recurring conflicts promptly. Avoid tolerating harmful behaviors, such as instigating arguments or creating unnecessary drama. If your partner frequently disagrees with you on the same issues, it might indicate uncertainty about the relationship.
Personal struggles or insecurities At times, relationship strain can arise from one partner’s personal challenges, which may or may not be directly related to the relationship. For instance, your partner might be overly focused on their own emotions or needs, neglecting yours (or vice versa). Alternatively, one partner’s deep-seated insecurities might require constant reassurance, which can exhaust the other and foster feelings of distrust or dissatisfaction.
- Insecurities can also result from relationship-specific issues, such as a history of flirting or infidelity.
Divergent goals, values, or beliefs While some differences can enhance a relationship, others may be too significant to reconcile (such as religious or cultural disparities, differing parenting approaches, moral conflicts, or mismatched financial or lifestyle priorities). These substantial differences can lead to feelings of isolation, either emotionally or physically.
- Not everyone shares the same upbringing, beliefs, or aspirations, so disagreements are inevitable. However, it’s up to each couple to decide whether they can coexist harmoniously despite these differences or if parting ways is the better option.
Enhancing Communication in Strained Relationships
Acknowledge that enhancing communication is essential. Jin S. Kim, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist from Los Angeles, emphasizes that “the cornerstone of building and sustaining a healthy intimate relationship is fostering effective communication.” He adds, “Engaging in open conversations, understanding each partner’s communication preferences, using “I” statements, regularly expressing emotions, identifying triggers that escalate conflicts, and tailoring conflict resolution strategies to each partner’s communication style can all help alleviate tension.”
Understand how the relationship or issue impacts you before discussing it. Chloe Carmichael, PhD, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice in New York City, highlights the importance of exploring the why or how behind relationship tension. “Ensure you’re fully aware of how the struggle is affecting you and that you’re conscious of it. [Then] you can approach the conversation as a collaborative effort with your partner.” She uses the example of a couple facing financial strain due to one partner’s unemployment. “[Ask yourself], how is this situation affecting you? If it’s because, for instance, you’re bearing the financial burden—like covering shared bills—that’s something to discuss with your partner.”
- Pinpoint the root cause of the strain and identify what bothers you most. Anger and frustration often mask deeper emotions, so dig deeper to understand your true feelings and their origins.
Ask your partner how you can assist if their issues impact the relationship. Licensed Clinical Psychologist Dr. Chloe Carmichael notes, “As a psychologist, I’ve found that the best way to understand how to help someone is to ask them directly.” While it may seem simple, asking your partner how you can support them offers multiple advantages. For one, it paves the way for actionable solutions to their challenges, whether they’re related to mental health or financial struggles.
- Additionally, Dr. Chloe Carmichael adds, it ensures “you can address the root cause of tension in your relationship as a team.” Even if an immediate solution isn’t available, initiating the conversation is a positive step forward.
Plan regular relationship check-ins. Constructively addressing both the positives and negatives in your relationship is essential for growth. Consider scheduling weekly conversations where you and your partner can openly share your feelings without fear of judgment or defensiveness. Start by highlighting successes and positive moments, then transition into discussing challenges.
- Always conclude by setting a date for your next check-in. Continue these conversations even during good times—there’s always more to learn and appreciate about each other.
- Actively listen when your partner shares their feelings. Maintain eye contact, avoid interrupting or defending yourself immediately, and show you’ve heard them by summarizing or repeating their key points.
Additional Ways to Strengthen a Strained Relationship
Frequently express love and appreciation for your partner. Let your partner know you care, even during difficult times. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Jin S. Kim explains, “Communication is vital, but it isn’t always verbal. Discussing how each partner prefers to express and receive love (often referred to as ‘love languages’) can deepen understanding and enhance communication.”
- Once you know how to make your partner feel loved, use that insight to show appreciation regularly. Jin S. Kim adds, “Consistently expressing love can sustain a long and healthy relationship. Don’t hesitate to think creatively and surprise your partner—it can have a lasting impact.”
- For example, if your partner’s love language is gift giving and receiving, surprise them with a small token of affection, like a bouquet or trinket, to show you were thinking of them while apart.
Establish and communicate reasonable boundaries to prevent harmful behavior. “At times, setting boundaries is essential,” explains Licensed Clinical Psychologist Dr. Chloe Carmichael. Returning to her example of an unemployed partner causing tension, she elaborates, “If their challenging job search leads to excessive drinking, lethargy, and irritability, the solution isn’t necessarily about helping them. It might involve telling them, ‘I support and care for you, but I won’t accept you taking your stress out on me.’”
- To set a boundary, first identify unacceptable behavior (e.g., your partner becoming rude or intoxicated when stressed).
- Next, explain how this behavior affects you and outline your response, such as leaving the room or ignoring them when they’re disrespectful.
- Consistently enforce consequences to show your boundaries are firm. Otherwise, your partner may view them as negotiable.
Emphasize shared values rather than differences. If differing beliefs are straining your relationship, tell your partner, “I want our relationship to focus on what unites us, not what divides us,” advises Licensed Clinical Psychologist Dr. Chloe Carmichael. Instead of avoiding contentious topics, initiate conversations about subjects that energize and interest both of you. Dr. Chloe Carmichael suggests, “If you must discuss divisive topics, agree to ask questions and share perspectives without trying to persuade each other.”
- Whether differences in beliefs or opinions are dealbreakers depends on the couple. Some may struggle to reconcile financial or political disagreements, while others may coexist harmoniously despite them.
Collaborate on solutions and test them without fixating on perfection. Address both partners’ concerns and preferences equally, creating a specific, time-bound plan (e.g., spending 10 minutes each morning sharing feelings for a week to strengthen emotional connection). Don’t obsess over finding the “perfect solution”—your willingness to work together matters more than the plan itself.
- If your partner seems passive about the plan, ask for their honest opinion. If they’re hesitant, refine the plan until you’re both fully committed.
- After the trial period, evaluate honestly. Share what worked and what didn’t, then adjust the plan accordingly.
Explore couples counseling. Sometimes, a professional’s unbiased perspective can help identify harmful patterns and improve communication through guided discussions and exercises. If your partner is hesitant, consider individual therapy. A therapist can help you address personal challenges and develop strategies to bring your best self to the relationship.
