How to Resolve an Argument with Your Girlfriend

Calm down. You can't expect to resolve the argument immediately after it happens. After a fight, it takes time to cool off. It might take a few hours, or even a few days, for you to calm down and process your emotions adequately. Go for a hike, visit a friend, or watch a movie. Engage in relaxing activities until you’re calm enough to look at the issue objectively.

Analyze the cause of the argument. Arguments rarely happen without a reason. Take time to reflect on what caused the conflict and whether you could have handled the situation differently.

• Think back to what happened. Why did you two argue? What triggered the fight? What did you say? Do you regret your words? Why or why not?
• Remember that memory is subjective, especially in stressful situations. Your girlfriend might recall certain aspects of the argument differently than you. This is normal and doesn’t necessarily mean either of you is being dishonest. Stress can distort memories.

Express your emotions. After an argument, it’s important to acknowledge and process your feelings. While emotions like anger and sadness can be uncomfortable, it’s crucial to recognize them rather than suppress them. Bottled-up emotions can lead to bigger outbursts later.

• Accept that emotions aren’t always rational. For example, if your girlfriend hurt your feelings, logically understanding that she didn’t mean to might not immediately ease the pain. Recognize that both you and your girlfriend have the right to express emotions during disagreements, even if the reactions aren’t entirely logical.
  Don’t: yell, "Why did you act like that?!"
  Do: say, "I’m upset because you didn’t keep your promise yesterday."

Plan a conversation. Once both of you have calmed down, suggest a time to discuss the conflict. After a big argument, scheduling a talk ensures both parties are composed and ready to communicate effectively.

• Choose a time without time constraints. Pick an evening during the week or weekend when neither of you has to wake up early the next day. Aim for early evening, after dinner, so hunger or tiredness doesn’t interfere.
• If you don’t live together, choose a neutral location. While discussing your relationship in public might feel awkward, a neutral space ensures neither of you feels uncomfortable. Opt for a quiet, spacious café or a secluded park.

Use open body language. When discussing the conflict, use body language to show you’re open to the conversation. This can help keep the discussion comfortable and productive.

• Maintain eye contact. Nod occasionally to show you’re listening. Avoid crossing your arms or displaying tense gestures. Try to minimize nervous habits like fidgeting or twisting your hands.
• Nod occasionally, as it signals that you’re actively listening to what she’s saying.

Use verbal communication effectively. When discussing the argument, communicate clearly and confidently. Your girlfriend needs to know you’re open to resolving the issue, so ensure you effectively convey your thoughts about the conflict.

• Be clear and concise. Avoid overloading the conversation with unnecessary details and stay focused on the main points. Don’t interrupt when she’s speaking. Regularly check if she understands your perspective, and ask for clarification if something she says is unclear.
• Use "I" statements. This ensures you’re expressing your own feelings rather than making objective judgments. For example, instead of saying, "You overreacted when I was late and embarrassed me in front of your friends," say something like, "I felt embarrassed when you raised your voice in front of your friends because I was late."

Acknowledge your girlfriend’s feelings. It’s often frustrating when someone dismisses your emotions in a romantic relationship. Even if you don’t agree with her perspective, try to make her feel heard. Simply allowing someone to express their feelings can ease tension and release pent-up negative energy, making her feel genuinely cared for.

Identify the disagreement. Most couples have areas where they can’t see eye to eye. This is normal, as individuals are unique. Treat arguments as opportunities to understand your differences and find ways to harmonize despite them. If you have differing expectations about time spent together, the relationship, or lifestyle, it’s crucial to address these and find solutions.

• Determine if there’s an underlying issue that triggered the argument. A big fight often points to more than just a minor problem. Try to pinpoint the disagreement and what you can do to resolve it. Sometimes, simply acknowledging that you see things differently can reduce tension. Both of you can avoid taking things personally by understanding each other’s perspectives.
  Don’t: pressure your girlfriend (or yourself) to change every opinion about the disagreement.
  Do: suggest ways to minimize conflict, like avoiding activities or topics that often lead to arguments when you’re together.

Apologize. After reflecting on your actions and role in the argument, apologize for any mistakes. Be as specific and sincere as possible to show you’ve listened and understood her concerns.

Address new issues immediately. When you sense trouble brewing, don’t ignore it. Instead, discuss the problem before it escalates. This approach helps prevent future conflicts from spiraling out of control.

• Suppressing issues means that during the next argument, past grievances will resurface. This can make your girlfriend feel attacked and overwhelmed. When a problem arises, clarify it right away. Even a small issue can lead to resentment if left unaddressed.

Find ways to resolve arguments without anger. Anger can cloud your ability to respond rationally. We often yell in frustration, pushing loved ones away. Try to work with your girlfriend to solve problems without letting anger take over. A great way to do this is to take 5 minutes to express your feelings calmly when disagreements arise, rather than arguing in the heat of the moment.

Listen for underlying emotional needs. Conflicts often stem from unmet emotional needs. If your girlfriend seems upset or distant, consider whether there are needs you haven’t been meeting. Have you two been distant lately? Have you been too busy to spend time with her? Reflect on whether you’re fulfilling her needs and what you can do to address them.

Summarize the discussion to ensure mutual understanding. After an argument, always take a moment to recap what was discussed. How do you feel? How does your girlfriend feel? What steps will you both take to ensure the issue doesn’t happen again? Spending 5 minutes summarizing the situation can prevent future misunderstandings.

• Make sure you recognize a toxic relationship. If the time spent "resolving conflicts" outweighs the time you enjoy together, the relationship may not be worth the effort.