Buzz
You and your partner might feel on top of the world together, until doubt starts creeping in. You may find yourself wondering if you're truly compatible. Could your partner be interested in someone else? If you don’t address these concerns, they could tear your relationship apart. To overcome these doubts, start by seeking reassurance from the one person who matters most—your partner.
Steps
Seeking Reassurance
Open up about your worries. Suppressing your feelings could let your doubts grow stronger. Let it out by discussing your concerns openly with your partner. Be honest and share what's bothering you.
- You might say, “We never talk about our future, and that makes me question how you really feel about me.”
Request reassurance from your partner. After opening up about your worries, ask your partner for comfort and affirmation. You might want them to remind you of their love, or even seek a gesture of affection like a hug or kiss.
- You could say something like, "Can you tell me I’m your number one priority? I really need to hear that right now."
- Be mindful of constantly seeking reassurance, as it may make you seem overly dependent to your partner.
Collaborate to find solutions. Identify the aspects of your partner's actions that trigger your doubts. Then, work together to find ways to address them.
- If you feel uncertain because your partner frequently avoids serious conversations about the future, have a direct discussion about it and try to reach a compromise.
- When doubts arise after an argument, consider attending couples therapy to learn how to resolve conflicts more effectively.
- Discuss how you both prefer to express and receive love. Some people express love by doing things for their partner, while others prefer to shower them with words of affirmation. Understanding each other’s “love languages” can help prevent misunderstandings.
Make quality time a priority. Doubt often creeps in when couples experience lulls in attention and intimacy. By dedicating more time to bonding, you can help quiet those insecurities.
- Review your schedules and find a few days or evenings each week where you can have one-on-one time together.
- Maximize your time by putting away your phones and ensuring no distractions during your couple time.
Show appreciation for your partner’s efforts. As your partner works to adjust their behavior and make you feel more secure, acknowledge their efforts. Let them know when you notice their progress— for example, say, "I noticed you made the effort to call me back quickly. I really appreciate it, babe."
- Express thanks when your partner does something to reassure you, even without being asked. For instance, you could say, "Thanks for texting me about being late. It reassured me that you'd still come and that I matter to you."
Addressing Your Doubts Together
Reframe situations that trigger doubt. Pay attention to the scenarios that tend to make your doubts flare up. Challenge those thoughts by trying to view the situation from a different perspective.
- For example, if you start doubting when your partner misses a phone call, reframe the situation: they might be in a meeting or taking a shower. A missed call doesn’t automatically suggest anything suspicious.
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 630 Mytour readers on whether they feel the need to check their partner’s phone, and only 6% said they trust their partner enough not to check their phone. [Take Poll] While this might not be the most common approach, try shifting your perspective.
Stop negative thoughts in their tracks. Doubt can hinder your daily life and drain your mental energy. When worries arise, mentally tell yourself “Stop!” and redirect your focus to something else.
- Try reading a book, knitting a scarf, or going for a run to distract your mind.
Evaluate whether there’s real evidence behind your doubts. If a certain doubt keeps nagging at you, it might be your intuition signaling a problem. Before jumping to conclusions, look for concrete evidence.
- Perhaps you felt uneasy after seeing your partner interact with someone in a flirtatious way. Are there other instances that made you question their loyalty or attention?
Decide if your doubts are deal-breakers. Some level of doubt is natural in a relationship, but if your doubts stem from consistent dishonesty, infidelity, manipulation, or unreliability, it could be a sign that the relationship is not worth continuing.
- Healthy relationships are built on trust, honesty, and mutual respect— not control, deceit, or abuse.
- If your doubts arise because your partner doesn’t support your core values, this could also be a deal-breaker. If they can’t respect what’s most important to you, it might be time to reconsider the relationship.
Discuss your doubts with a therapist. If you're unsure about how to navigate your doubts, seeking help from a relationship therapist can provide clarity. A therapist can help uncover the root cause of your doubts and guide you on whether they are healthy or indicative of deeper issues.
- You may want to start by seeing a therapist alone before involving your partner in the process.
- Ask your doctor or HR representative for recommendations on therapists within your network.
Shifting Your Perspective to a Positive Mindset
Recognize your worth beyond the relationship. Create a list of the qualities that make you unique and valuable, independent of your relationship status. Perhaps you’re exceptionally intelligent, athletic, compassionate toward animals, or a skilled cook.
- If your self-esteem is too tied to the success of your relationship, you might experience doubt even when facing normal relationship struggles. Boosting your self-worth can help you overcome these challenges.
Embrace uncertainty with mindfulness. While feeling uncertain or fearful isn’t ideal, it's a natural part of life and relationships. Start a mindfulness practice to help you sit with the uncertainty you feel in your relationship and life.
- When these feelings arise, acknowledge them but don’t try to change them. Practice taking deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth, letting the thoughts come and go without acting on them.
- With regular mindfulness practice, you’ll start feeling more grounded and less overwhelmed by doubts.
Avoid negative or critical influences. The opinions of coworkers, friends, or family can easily plant seeds of doubt about your relationship. If someone always criticizes your partner or your relationship, it’s best to distance yourself.
- While loved ones may offer advice with good intentions, their views can be biased or influenced by their own experiences. Focus on how you feel in the relationship and the actions of your partner rather than external opinions.
- Be cautious when discussing your relationship with those who are overly critical. Choose people who are supportive, open-minded, and nonjudgmental to share your concerns with.
Remove “should” and “must” from your relationship vocabulary. When you use rigid language to describe your relationship, it can make uncertainty feel more difficult to accept. By eliminating these terms, you’ll foster a more flexible, open-minded approach to your relationship.
- For example, if you think, "He should always pick up the phone when I call," you might feel frustrated when your partner is unavailable.
- Similarly, avoid thinking, "She must be with someone else on Saturday," just because your girlfriend didn’t plan something with you.
Having Open Conversations with Your Partner
Ways to Bring Up Your Relationship Doubts with Your Partner
