How to Respond to an Apology from a Narcissist

Receiving an apology from a narcissist can often be an uncomfortable experience. You might feel anger and disappointment, but there's also an underlying sense of guilt and the urge to show magnanimity. Narcissism is a severe personality disorder, yet many people have found ways to maintain healthy relationships with narcissists without constantly yielding to their demands. In this article, we will guide you on how to respond to an apology from a narcissist and offer advice on managing this relationship to feel safe and loved.

Only accept an apology when it doesn't feel completely self-serving. Narcissists may not care if you’ve been hurt, but they fear losing control over you, which often leads them to offer fake and manipulative apologies. Watch for certain signs of insincerity in an apology, such as:

• Statements like "I'm sorry for making you angry" or "I'm sorry for making you upset" suggest blame on you instead of taking responsibility for their actions.
• Empty apologies with just the words "I'm sorry."
• Apologies that are half-hearted, longer than a simple "I'm sorry" but without any remorse or intent to change future behavior.
• Denial phrases like "That’s not my fault."

Narcissists lack empathy, so here’s a test you can try. A genuine apology should demonstrate that the person understands the extent of their actions and how they’ve affected you. When responding to a narcissist’s apology, check if they realize how their behavior has hurt you. You could ask, "What do you think I felt when you did that?" or "Do you think your actions impacted me in any way?"

• A person with high narcissistic traits is completely unable to empathize with others, but if they’re less extreme, you might be able to spark some empathy to repair the relationship.
• If they don’t show any understanding of your point of view, communication with them will remain a challenge because the narcissist’s world doesn’t have room for your concerns to be valued equally with theirs.

Narcissists don’t respect boundaries, so you must enforce them. When a narcissist crosses your boundaries, be prepared for it to happen again. Warn them that there will be consequences if they continue this behavior and make sure to follow through. Start the conversation with something like, "It’s time to set some boundaries in our relationship."

• For example, if you’re dealing with a narcissistic parent, you might say, "If you yell at me like that again, I will stop calling weekly and will only check in once a month."

If the relationship with a narcissist is important, approach it gently but firmly. When criticizing a narcissist's behavior, you may hurt the perfect image they’ve built of themselves, which could make them angry or defensive. Speak with calmness and respect, saying something like, "I’m very disappointed by what you’ve done. I’m trying to find a way to trust you again."

• Respect yourself – don’t lie to please them, and be clear about how their actions have harmed the relationship.

Don’t force yourself to forgive when you’re not ready. The key here is not to tolerate mistreatment in order to please or placate the narcissist. You are not obligated to accept their apology, even if they make you feel guilty. You can say something like, "I’m not ready to forgive you yet, but I do appreciate your apology – I needed to hear it."

• You could also say, "Thank you for taking the time to apologize, but I’m still very upset and can’t accept your apology right now. Let’s try to work on the relationship in a couple of months."

Narcissists are quick to anger, so you need to de-escalate the situation. When having a tense conversation with a narcissist, leave the room if they begin to act aggressively. Arguing with a narcissist rarely works because they often refuse to listen, no matter how reasonable you are. It’s best to say, "I disagree with how you’re judging me," and steer the conversation toward something more constructive.

• Remember, narcissists' actions often stem from deep-seated hurt, which may cause them to hurt others because of past suffering. Be compassionate in these moments, but don’t condone any form of abuse.

Ask yourself what you gain and lose in this relationship. Writing down your feelings about being in a relationship with a narcissist can help you better understand your thoughts. A narcissist may never offer you genuine love, but the relationship could give you other things, so it's important to weigh the pros and cons.

• If you know you can't expect recognition or love from a narcissist, don't ask for it when they apologize. Instead, look for these things elsewhere and suggest doing simpler things with the narcissist, like respecting your boundaries.
• If you realize that the relationship is draining you more than it gives back, consider leaving. This might be tough if the narcissist is a family member, but limiting contact can make you feel safer.

Narcissists are accustomed to controlling others and cannot tolerate losing this power. If you don’t accept their apology and fully forgive them, they may attempt to punish you by becoming distant, making new demands, or trying to manipulate you. While you can't control their actions, you can firmly insist on being treated the way you deserve.

• Narcissists don’t forgive easily if they feel hurt. If they pull away from you, ignore them – if they really need you, they'll come back.

Don't deceive yourself into thinking a narcissist can change. Understand that those with narcissistic tendencies rarely ever change, so the best you can do is manage your relationship with them in a way that protects your dignity and happiness.

• Narcissism is a severe personality disorder that requires extensive therapy and psychological counseling to help the narcissist dismantle the inflated self-image they have created. Unfortunately, therapy is something most narcissists are unwilling to seek out.

Some narcissists use isolation to control those around them. Therefore, it's crucial to maintain relationships with various people from different circles through work, volunteer activities, and other social engagements. By cultivating these healthier relationships, you'll feel more secure and less susceptible to being brought down by the narcissist.

• A narcissist will try to convince you that you are far worse than you truly are, but don't fall for their manipulation. If you accept the distorted image of yourself that they project, you'll find it hard to escape their grip.

Maintaining a relationship with a narcissist can severely damage your mental health. It can also affect your interactions with others in the future and the level of trust you place in relationships. Don't let someone control your life—talk to a therapist or a mental health professional to recover and regain your confidence.