How to Respond to an Apology via Message

Avoid responding in anger. If you're still upset with the other person, you might be tempted to reply to their apology with an angry message. Unfortunately, such messages can easily spiral out of control and turn into hurtful arguments. To avoid saying something you might regret, put your phone down for a moment and carefully consider what you want to say.

• Take a few minutes, or even a day or two if needed, to process your emotions before responding.

A genuine apology should be unconditional. It's challenging to discern someone's tone through text messages, which is why this isn't the ideal method for sending (or responding to) an apology. However, you can still gauge the sincerity of an apology through their choice of words. A heartfelt apology should:

• Express remorse. For example, "I deeply regret what I did yesterday."
• Take responsibility for their actions and acknowledge the consequences. For instance, "I understand that my words were insensitive and hurt you."
• Make an effort to rectify the mistake, such as promising not to repeat the action or offering to make amends in some way.
• Avoid making excuses, downplaying their actions, or blaming you for what happened. For example, a sincere apology would not include phrases like "I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have said that if you hadn't provoked me," or "I apologize if you felt offended."

Regardless of your response, keep it simple. Texting is inherently a quick and easy form of communication, so it's not the place for a lengthy essay detailing your emotions. Respond briefly and get straight to the point, whether you accept the apology or not.

• For example, you might say, "Thank you for apologizing. It means a lot to me," or "It's not a big deal. Let's move on."

Apologizing requires courage, even if it's done through a text message. If the apology feels genuine, acknowledge their effort—even if you're still a bit upset. Try responding with:

• "I appreciate you apologizing."
• "Thank you for saying that."
• "You hurt me, but your apology means a lot. Thank you."

Let them know you’re willing to move on. Be clear so both of you can put the matter behind you. You might say something like, "Thank you, I forgive you," or "It’s okay. Just don’t let it happen again."

Let them know if you’re not too upset. Try to match the tone to the seriousness of the situation (and how you feel about it). If they send a quick message apologizing for something small or a misunderstanding, you could reply with:

• "Don’t worry about it, it’s no big deal!"
• "Thanks, no need to stress. I’m not mad."
• "Oh, everyone makes mistakes. It’s really nothing."

Sometimes, people need time to heal. Even after accepting an apology, you might still feel angry about what happened. In such cases, it's important to openly express your feelings rather than hiding or suppressing them. Your honesty can help you feel relieved and also give the other person a clear understanding of where things stand between you. For example, you could say, 'Thank you. I’m still a bit upset about what happened, but I’ll get through it,' or 'Okay, thank you for apologizing. It might take some time for me to feel better, but your apology does help.'

There are situations where you might not be able to accept an apology. If their apology feels insincere or insufficient to make up for what they did, it’s okay to let them know. You can thank them for their apology but explain that you’re not ready to accept it yet. For instance, if their apology lacks sincerity, you might say, 'No, I can’t accept your apology. It doesn’t seem like you’re truly taking responsibility for what happened,' or 'Thank you for apologizing, but I’m still very upset and can’t forgive you yet. I need more time.' If the apology comes from someone important to you, consider giving them another chance to offer a more heartfelt apology. Be clear about what you need from them to move forward, such as, 'I need you to understand why I’m so hurt.'

An apology carries more weight when accompanied by action. Take a few minutes to discuss how both of you can move past what happened. You might suggest an agreement or politely ask for a change in their behavior going forward. For example, you could say, 'Next time you’re upset with me, please tell me how you feel instead of yelling,' or 'I know you were frustrated about waiting so long. I’ll try to be quicker next time, but you should ask me instead of leaving on your own.'

Conflicts often involve both parties. Reflect on what happened between you and the other person, and try to see things from their perspective. If there’s anything you could have done differently, acknowledge it. This will make it easier for both of you to move forward. For instance, you might say, 'Thank you for apologizing—I really needed to hear that. I’m also sorry for how I reacted; I shouldn’t have gotten so angry.'

If you’re grieving, you don’t have to respond immediately. However, if someone sends a message like, 'I’m sorry for your loss,' or 'I was saddened to hear about what happened to you,' it’s thoughtful to send a quick note acknowledging their kindness. For example, you could say, 'Thank you for your thoughtfulness,' 'Your words mean a lot to me,' 'You’re very kind—I truly appreciate it,' or 'Thank you for being there for me.'

Texting isn’t the best way to handle important discussions. If the person is apologizing for a minor mistake or if you don’t have much to say in response, a brief message is appropriate. However, if you want a deeper conversation, it’s better to call or speak to them in person. For example, you could send a message like, 'What happened yesterday wasn’t a small issue. I don’t want to discuss this over text. Can I call you?' Alternatively, you might say, 'Thanks for your message, but I think there’s an issue we need to talk about face-to-face.'