How to Reveal Your Gender Identity to Your Parents

• If you feel your parents might have a negative reaction, it may be wise to delay the conversation. Reflect on whether they have expressed homophobic views, whether you would be hurt by their negative response, or if you are financially dependent on them. If you answer 'yes' to any of these, it might be better to wait until you are financially independent or until you feel ready with a strong support system in place.
• Trust your instincts on whether or not to tell your parents. There is a difference between feeling anxious about revealing your identity to supportive parents and fearing an intense reaction from those who may not understand.
• Keep in mind that your parents believe they know everything about you because they raised you. If they haven’t suspected anything, take this into consideration when planning how to approach them.
• If you want to know exactly how they will react, be direct in your conversation.

Expert advice: Before coming out to your parents, consider the key factors that might influence their reaction, such as religion and cultural nuances. Think about whether there is a risk of being kicked out of the house and ensure you have enough support resources in case your parents react strongly to your disclosure.

• Consider the dynamics between family members when deciding how to approach the conversation, and choose the method that feels most comfortable for you. Explaining things through writing may be easier for you and give them more time to process the information. On the other hand, your family might prefer face-to-face communication, or you may feel more comfortable expressing yourself verbally.
• Be persistent in your decision. This will help avoid procrastination or a meandering conversation when opening up to your parents.

• If you have relatives, friends, teachers, or counselors who already know you're gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, build a support system with them. Ensure they’re willing to provide advice and assist you if your parents react negatively to your disclosure.
• Ask parents of other LGBTQ+ individuals to act as support for your parents. You can refer your parents to a group of other parents who are in similar situations to help them accept your gender identity. Ask other parents to meet with yours before you come out.
• Make sure you’re emotionally prepared for the conversation and ready to answer any questions your parents might have. Additionally, you should consider accepting treatment if suggested, as this will validate your sexual orientation or gender identity.

• www.facebook.com/LGBTVietNamOfficial/ Official social media page of the LGBT community in Vietnam.
• www.transrespect.org This website compiles legal, healthcare, and social information about transgender people in 190 countries (including Vietnam).
• YouthResource.org
• PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays)
• The novel "Call Me By Your Name"
• The novel "The Danish Girl"
• Brokeback Mountain
• The Lonely Person
• The book "When You Look Out the Window: How Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin Helped Build Society"
• Books recommended by the Gay-Straight Alliance Network
• Books recommended by the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point (UWSP)
• Trans-Youth Family Allies website

• "Are you sure?"
• "How did you become gay?"
• "I’ve heard that gay people get HIV/AIDS."
• "Is being gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender unnatural?"
• "Why didn’t you tell us sooner?"
• "Will you be able to get a job?"
• "How can you get married?"
• "Our religion says homosexuality is wrong."
• "What about the statistics on hate crimes against LGBTQ+ people?"
• "Will you be happy in life?"
• "So, you’ll be different from now on?"
• "Are you going to come out publicly? This could make us uncomfortable."
• "How can we help you?"

• Reach out to friends, family, teachers, or counselors who know your sexual orientation. Ask if they can offer you a place to stay or help you find a safe shelter if you are kicked out. This could also be an ideal place to turn to if you have your own place but need emotional support after your parents strongly oppose your sexual identity.
• Save some money to support yourself. This means you should look for a part-time job, if you're of legal working age, or save from another source of income.
• If you don't have your own transportation, find a way to get around. You could ask someone you are staying with for a ride, a friend, or rely on public transportation in the city.
• Find ways to show gratitude to the person or family you’re staying with. You might offer to pay "rent" if you can, or help with housework and chores to make their life easier during this time.

• Reach out to friends, family, or counselors who know your sexual orientation and are always ready to help. Arrange to meet with one of them at their home or another place you feel comfortable, in case the conversation with your parents turns sour.
• If you are independent from your parents but still receive financial support from them and suspect they may stop providing it, consider finding a part-time or full-time job to support yourself.
• Give your parents some time and space. Consider occasionally reaching out to them through phone calls, emails, or in-person visits, or wait for them to contact you. Choose the best approach for your family dynamics.

• Avoid disclosing your identity during arguments, family gatherings, anniversaries, or family crises. This might lead your parents to think you’re revealing your identity out of anger or to make a point.
• Look for or create a private moment with just you and your parents. This will ensure you’re not interrupted during the conversation.
• Make sure the conversation takes place at home rather than in public. Your parents might overreact in a public setting, which could cause trouble. They may also think you’re joking or trying to embarrass them.

• "I have something important I need to share with you. I've been keeping this secret for a while, but I feel ready to talk to you about it now."
• "There are some things I've been thinking about for a long time, and it's hard to talk about them."
• "I need to have a serious conversation with you. It's important that I'm honest with you."

• "I am gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender. I’ve known this about myself for a long time."
• "I think I might be gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender. I’m attracted to people of the same gender, and I’m not sure what to think about it." OR "I feel confused about my body. I think I would be more comfortable as a boy/girl, doing things boys/girls typically do."
• "Ever since I was ___ years old, I’ve known I’m gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender."

• "To me, this feels as natural as it does for you when it comes to people of the opposite gender. I don’t feel the same way, because I am just being myself."
• "I’m still the same person I’ve always been. Now, I want to express myself as gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender because I’ve been hiding who I really am for too long."
• "I’m attracted to both men and women. I’m sharing this with you because I feel guilty for keeping this part of me hidden, and I want to be honest with you about who I am."
• "I want to do the things that boys/girls typically do. I’ve been really drawn to those actions, and they feel natural to me. But now, they seem unnatural because I am a boy/girl."

• "I was afraid you would reject me."
• "Our society has a lot of prejudice against people like me, and I was scared of what others would think."
• "I was worried it would damage our relationship, and I care deeply about our bond."
• "Our religion teaches that being gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender is a sin, and I didn’t know how to face that."
• "I felt pressured to keep it a secret because society tells me it’s wrong."

• "I’d really appreciate it if you could take some time to learn more about what it means to be gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender."
• "I’d be so happy if you’d let me talk more about my friends and how important they are to me. It would be great if you could meet them when you’re ready."
• "I have this book that you can read to better understand. It answers a lot of questions you might have, and I really hope you’ll give it a read."
• "I’ve found a list of websites where you can get more information. It would mean so much to me if you could check them out."
• "There’s a support group for LGBT individuals and their families. I’ve got information on their meeting times, so we can go whenever you feel ready."
• "I want you to tell me how I can support you too, because I want to help you as much as I can."
• "I want you to stand up for me and the LGBT community when we are attacked. We will be stronger when we have allies on our side."

• Be ready to answer any questions they may have.
• Provide them with books, guides, and other resources you have so they can learn more.
• If things don’t go smoothly, remember to switch to your backup plan.

• Show your parents your certainty about your gender identity and provide logical reasons for your decision, making sure to maintain your stance.
• Share the reasons why you are revealing this to them—because you want to be honest with them and strengthen the bond between you.

• Shock
• Denial
• Guilt
• Emotional outbursts
• Making their own decisions
• True acceptance

• Make sure to avoid getting angry and turning the conversation into an argument.
• Take your time to explain things to them. In this moment, the roles may reverse, as your parents will need to research and understand your gender identity. You may find yourself teaching and guiding them to accept this.
• Answer their questions to the best of your ability, and when you can’t answer something, direct them to a resource where they can find the answer.
• Try not to get frustrated or upset if they seem slow to understand what’s going on. They need time to adjust.

• It will be very helpful to reassure them that you love and accept yourself. They will want to see you truly happy.
• Remind them that you are healthy. They may come to terms with it more quickly once they hear this reassurance.
• Be their support during this time. Acts of love and your desire to help them understand your gender identity will show how much you care. Do whatever you can to help them learn and understand why you are revealing your identity, as well as to learn more about the LGBT community.

• Remind yourself of the stages your parents will go through while accepting your gender identity revelation.
• Consider the emotions your parents might experience upon learning your gender identity: guilt, self-blame, fear, confusion, skepticism, and denial. They may blame themselves for raising you 'wrong.' This will be a challenging time for them.
• One parent may come to terms with it faster than the other. Even though you see your parents as individuals, remember that they process things in different ways and have unique personalities.

• Be strong, even if your parents express anger, pain, or sadness. Over time, they will master their emotions and begin to think more logically about your gender identity.
• Avoid creating negative emotions for your parents. This means you should avoid getting angry when revealing your gender identity and avoid making things harder for them as they try to accept it. Showing anger or resentment will slow down their acceptance process.

• Guide them toward other parents who have gone through accepting their child's gender identity so they can find support.
• Encourage them to seek out support systems like PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays).
• If a relative can help, they can act as a bridge between you and your parents. Having another trusted family member will give your parents someone to confide in about your gender identity disclosure.

• If your parents are willing to learn more, take the time to introduce them to friends who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. This can help them confront their personal biases.
• If your parents do not want to talk about this matter, you should be cautious when discussing your sexual orientation with them. They may need more time to accept it, so don’t constantly put pressure on them.
• If one or both parents refuse to accept the situation, reach out to support teams for assistance in managing the issue. Your parents may eventually agree, continue supporting you, and even shift to a more positive outlook.

• There is no right or wrong way to come out to your parents. Do what feels most comfortable for you and your family.
• Be prepared for potential negative reactions.
• Be confident in yourself, knowing you can do this and will overcome any challenges.
• Always have an outside support team, someone or a group you can turn to for advice and comfort.
• Ensure your parents are aware of those you’ve already told so they don’t inadvertently share your orientation with someone you’re not ready to disclose it to yet.