Buzz
Spanking young children is a highly controversial topic. Most child psychologists do not support using corporal punishment as a method of discipline. However, some parents report that spanking, when combined with fairness, love, and attention, is an effective discipline method. The effectiveness of spanking depends on the parents' decision and must be made with consideration of local laws and regulations where they live.
Steps
Non-corporal Discipline
Start with calmness. Do not spank immediately when you see a child doing something you dislike. First, talk to the child, and try gentle disciplinary methods if necessary. Spanking should be the last resort after all other methods have proven ineffective.
- According to some studies, spanking under specific conditions (gentle spanking after children aged 2 to 6 do not respond to milder disciplinary actions) carries less risk than immediate spanking.
Gently ask why the child did something. The child may not realize they made a mistake, or you might have misunderstood what happened. Talking can help clarify the situation: it can either help the child recognize why their decision was wrong or help you understand that the child did not intend to act inappropriately.
- If you're too angry to stay calm, say, "I'm upset and need a moment to calm down." Leave the room, take a deep breath, and return afterward.
Explain the consequences of the child's actions. Older children can reflect on their actions and recognize their mistakes. Ask what they think others would feel about the error, or what impact their actions had. You can communicate non-violently using the first person, such as "When you..., I feel..." For example:
- "How do you think your sister will feel if you break her toy?"
- "When I couldn’t find you in the store, I was really scared. I want you to always stay close so I know you're safe and not lost."
- "How do you think Dad will feel when he has to clean up the mess in the bathtub?"
Consider whether punishment is necessary. You don’t always have to punish to teach a lesson.
- For example, if the child decides to behave differently after talking, you don’t need to punish them: the child has learned on their own.
- Sometimes, it’s you who needs to learn. Perhaps you expected too much from the child, or caused them stress to the point they couldn’t handle things calmly. Children don’t always have the emotional tools to manage stress like adults do. Try letting go of control and always remember the child’s limitations.
Consider using non-physical methods (if necessary). Firmly and patiently explain what needs to happen. Spanking should not be the first choice, as there are always other ways to teach a child.
- Saying no firmly. Respond briefly and clearly in a serious tone. For example, "We do not throw balls at others' faces."
- Clapping – with a stern voice. For younger children, a loud enough clap to get their attention can stop their actions, followed by a firm "no." However, avoid startling the child too much, or they may start acting out.
- Apply reasonable consequences. Ask the child to clean up the mess they've made, fix something broken, or pay for something that can’t be repaired. This teaches responsibility. (If the child is too young to clean up or pay, you can do it together.)
- Give options. Let the child choose between two or three appropriate choices. For example, if the child refuses to change clothes, you might say, "You can put on the shirt first or the pants."
- Make amends for wrongdoings. Ask the child to make up for the harm caused to someone else. For example, if a son said something hurtful to his sister, ask him to make it right by doing something kind for her. Suggest ideas if the child doesn’t know what to do (such as, "You could make her a card.").
- Time-out. This should last for a duration equivalent to the child's age (e.g., a 2-year-old would sit quietly for 2 minutes).
- Take away privileges. For example, if the child repeatedly pushes others while playing, take away the toy and explain why.
- Enforce natural consequences. For example, if the child doesn’t put their uniform in the laundry, they can’t play games. This is a natural consequence.
Give yourself time alone if you feel angry with the child. Parenting is tough, and it's not uncommon to feel upset or angry at times. If you feel like you're about to explode, leave the room to cool down. You can discipline the child once you've "calmed down."
- Let the child know, "I’m angry, and I don’t know what to do! I need some time to process my feelings."
Assist children who struggle to follow your requests. Sometimes, when children don't regularly follow instructions, it may be due to difficulties they are facing (not because they want to disobey). Ask, "Why are you having trouble doing this?" and listen carefully to understand what makes it hard for them to comply. Afterward, you can work together to complete the task at hand.
- If your child struggles to clean their room, you might consider helping them with the task.
Teach children better ways to act in the future. Children may misbehave simply because they don't know a better way to behave. Try asking them, "What could be a better way to do this?" or suggest a few approaches they can use in similar situations going forward. Having this conversation will help them understand what to do next time.
- If your child agrees to behave better next time, there's no need for punishment. Alternatively, you can propose reasonable consequences, like asking them to clean up the mess or apologize to someone they mistreated. What's important is that they learn from their mistakes, and punishment isn't always necessary for learning.
Praise your child for good behavior. Let your child know that you appreciate their proper behavior and help them feel proud of it. This encourages them to keep up the good work. Here are some examples of praise:
- "I saw you patiently waiting in line for your turn on the swing! That was really great!"
- "I noticed you playing so nicely with your sibling. You don't hit anymore because you understand better now. You're becoming a kind person!"
- "Thank you for putting your shoes on quickly! Now we have extra time at the park because you were ready so fast."
Be a good role model. Children learn how to behave by observing you. Act in the way you want them to imitate, even if you're unsure whether they're paying attention. Over time, they will adopt your habits.
- Avoid contradictory behavior. For example, if you hit your child and tell them that hitting others is wrong, they'll be confused.
Prepare before spanking a child.
Only consider spanking as a last resort after exhausting all other options. Spanking should be the final choice, after attempting non-physical punishments like removing the child from the situation, making them stand still, or taking away privileges. Before resorting to spanking, make sure you feel confident and positive about your decision.
- Spanking is considered illegal in many developed countries. Even if it's legal in your country, local authorities may still prohibit it.
- Many people view spanking as a form of abuse, especially when it's done harshly. Never strike too hard, use objects, or leave bruises on the child's body. Concerned individuals may report your actions to child protection agencies.
- Consider exploring alternative methods of disciplining children without resorting to spanking.
Understand the research on the consequences of spanking children. Numerous long-term studies show that spanking leads to worse behavior, not better. After being spanked, children may feel rejected, angry, and unloved. Rather than learning proper behavior, they might become more secretive. Children who are spanked or physically punished often face various issues, including:
- Reduced brain activity
- Difficulty in learning
- Mental health problems like anxiety and depression
- Substance abuse or alcohol dependency
- Lack of trust in others
- Domestic violence issues
- Increased likelihood of criminal behavior as adults
- Shorter life expectancy
Advice: If you want to avoid these outcomes for your child, carefully reconsider spanking. The steps in the "Non-physical Discipline" section may help you discover more effective methods to change your child's behavior, such as applying natural consequences.
Spank children in private. Spanking a child in front of others, especially friends or siblings, can cause them immense shame. This action can foster resentment and won't help the child learn how to improve their behavior. Privacy should always be a priority when choosing to spank a child.
- Spanking is already a severe punishment. You likely don't want to make matters worse by embarrassing the child in front of others.
Warn the child that spanking will occur if they continue a certain behavior. The child might get upset, angry, frustrated, anxious, or even fearful. It's important to understand these reactions, even if you're certain about your decision.
- It’s normal for a child to cry before, during, or after being spanked, and they shouldn’t be punished for it.
- Try giving a final warning, such as: "If you don't stop pulling your friend's hair by the time I reach 0, you will be spanked." This might encourage the child to stop their behavior.
Carry out the act of spanking
Spank with bare hands and avoid using other tools. It is not recommended to use additional objects, as this could be dangerous for the child.
- If you feel out of control, leave the room and refrain from spanking the child at that moment.
Remove all rings from your fingers. Rings can cause pain and be hazardous to your hand. You certainly don't want any obstacles while spanking the child or causing unnecessary discomfort. Additionally, take out everything from your pockets so the child won't feel uncomfortable when lying across your lap.
Have the child bend over your knee. Sit down and place the child face down across your lap. You may choose to pull down the child's pants and/or underwear, if desired. The next step is to ask the child to remain still, not to get up, and let you know when they are ready.
- If you choose to spank the child's bare bottom, remember that while this allows you to see the impact and avoid going overboard, the child's bottom is unprotected and this may make some children feel embarrassed. If you find it difficult to strike lightly on the child's bare bottom, or if the child feels embarrassed, you may continue spanking while the child is still dressed.
Relax your hand and all limbs, with one hand placed on the child's back and the other on their bottom. Ensure the child is not squirming and that their legs are not swinging.
- Do not speak while spanking the child. You will talk to the child after the spanking is over – for now, don't focus on that.
Gently tap the child's bottom without applying too much force. You don't need to use much strength to effectively discipline the child, and excessive force could cause injury or psychological harm. Additionally, the symbolic nature of the action is just as important as the pain it causes.
- To avoid injury, keep a safe distance from the child's genital area, tailbone, and kidneys.
- The spanking should not last longer than 15 seconds.
- Ideally, the spanking should only cause a slight sting rather than pain; therefore, listen to the child's response to avoid hitting too hard. You should also observe the marks left on the child's bottom; if you choose to spank the bare bottom: ensure no marks other than a temporary light redness remain. If you spank this way, quickly pull the child's pants and underwear back up afterward.
Reassure the child after the spanking. Let the child know that you always love them, even when they make mistakes. Emphasize that even when the child makes a poor decision, they are still a good child. Do not continue to punish the child after spanking; instead, forgive them.
- After being spanked, the child may feel they are bad or unworthy of love. This mistaken belief can lead to more harmful behaviors.
- Do not force the child to accept your affectionate gestures after spanking if they do not want it. Studies show that showing affection after spanking may worsen the child's anxiety. The child may feel confused and think their parent is unpredictable. If the child wishes to retreat to their room and avoid contact after being spanked, you should allow them to do so.
Advice
- Do not spank the child frequently. If spanking becomes routine, the child may become desensitized to it and show worse behavior. Instead, when you are tired of spanking, lightly tap the child's hand to correct them.
- Spanking can be used to discipline children aged 4 to 5. Do not spank younger children. Once the child begins to understand things, you can try explaining first before resorting to spanking.
- Avoid changing punishment based on gender. For example, if you are willing to explain misbehavior to a girl but choose to spank a boy in a similar situation, this is unfair. It may lead to anger from the boy.
- When spanking the child, ensure they understand the reason for the punishment.
Warnings
- Be aware that if you choose to spank a child in public, you might encounter people who oppose this behavior, even if what you're doing is entirely legal. This is especially true in places where spanking is not welcomed.
- Never spank a child in any moving vehicle, particularly public transportation.
- Avoid spanking a child while you're angry.
- If your child's school administers corporal punishment and the child is spanked at school, do not continue spanking them at home! Many parents still do this, but it creates an unfair double punishment.
- Do not impose additional punishments such as making the child stand still or prohibiting them from going outside; spanking alone should be enough.
- Do not hit any body part other than the child's bottom, especially not the face or upper body.
- Many people view spanking adolescents or spanking a bare bottom as sexual harassment.
- Follow any regulations that limit or prohibit corporal punishment.
- Do not spank a child if you are not their parent unless you have explicit permission to do so.
