How to Salvage a Relationship

If you're feeling uneasy about your relationship being on the edge, it might be time to reflect and try to repair it. To restore a relationship, both partners must come together to identify the issues, or multiple concerns, and find solutions. You also need to rekindle the love and awaken the feelings you once had for each other. Refer to the section 'When should you try to fix things?' to learn when saving the relationship is the right step forward.

Think about when things started to go wrong. If the situation has reached a critical point, you may already have an idea of when things started to fall apart, even if it was just a small issue. Reflect on when the problem began to better understand how to approach discussions with your partner.

• You may easily identify the primary reason, such as infidelity, which has disrupted the dynamic of the relationship.
• More commonly, you can't pinpoint one main cause but rather a series of smaller issues that have built up over time. For example, he might spend too much time with friends, or you both fail to make time for each other. Or maybe both of you are under stress at work.
• It could be that both of you are growing apart. If you've been together for a long time, it's possible that you've changed into different people since the start of the relationship.
• If you're unsure where to start, try answering some relationship quizzes. These may help you assess where your relationship stands.

Determine if it's worth the effort to try. Sometimes, there are relationships that cannot be salvaged, especially when the other person isn't willing to invest any effort. If only one party is interested in saving the relationship, it’s unlikely to lead anywhere. Moreover, if the relationship is abusive in any form, be it physical or emotional, you may want to reconsider holding on.

Choose the right moment to have a conversation with them. Pick a time when you're not likely to be disturbed. It should also be in a private setting where others can’t overhear. Additionally, ensure that you talk when both of you aren’t overly emotional. It's important to maintain a calm and rational dialogue, setting emotions aside.

Talk to the other person. If your marriage or relationship has reached a point where it needs to be repaired, then the other person likely already knows that there are issues between you. However, if you haven’t addressed the matter yet, now is the time to begin. It’s best to do this when you are calm and composed to have a real discussion, rather than an angry shouting match.

• It’s crucial not only to speak but also to listen to your partner’s thoughts and feelings about the issues in your relationship. You can show that you are listening by summarizing what they’ve said to demonstrate understanding. You can also ask questions to express your desire to know more.
• When addressing a problem, focus on statements that reflect your own feelings rather than blaming the other person. For example, say “I’d like to talk about our relationship” instead of accusing, “You’re making everything worse between us.”

Work together to resolve each issue. In your conversation, both of you should tackle each point step by step. Identify what both of you consider to be the problem and discuss how the issues started. It can be difficult to create an open conversation, but what matters most is recognizing where things began to go wrong. You can also seek advice from educational websites to better understand healthy and unhealthy dynamics in relationships.

• For example, a healthy relationship is one where both individuals can be themselves, remain independent, and respect each other’s boundaries and personalities. Both partners show interest in each other’s activities and encourage one another.
• In contrast, an unhealthy relationship occurs when both partners are dissatisfied with each other and feel pressured to change one another. You may feel controlled or manipulated, or sometimes, you might even be the one exerting control over the other.

Pay attention to behavioral patterns. Instead of blaming each other, consider which behaviors from both sides have contributed to the problem. For example, if you frequently forget to call home when you’re late, and your spouse or partner becomes upset about your tardiness, you might retaliate by not calling next time, creating a cycle. When discussing this issue, focus on finding a solution, like saying, “Next time, I’ll make an effort to remember to call if you could overlook a few times when I forget. Or towards the end of the day, you could send me a reminder text.”

Consider seeking professional help. If you're working to salvage your relationship, seeking expert guidance can be a good option. A professional can help you navigate the issues you're facing, especially when it feels impossible to share a space with your partner any longer.

Be honest with each other. Being honest is also about being open to receiving, and by doing so, you show your partner that you trust them. Try to express your thoughts and feelings. When you're ready to open up, you encourage your partner to do the same and ask for their honesty as well. However, it's important to focus on speaking from your own perspective, rather than blaming your partner.

• For instance, instead of saying, "You never prioritize me," say, "There are times when I feel neglected in our relationship." This way, you're expressing how you feel without pointing fingers at your partner.

Work together. Instead of standing on opposite sides arguing, both of you need to collaborate. Work together to solve the problem, treating each other as teammates rather than opponents. However, in seeking collaboration, you must also work to find a solution. This means both sides need to agree on what the issue is.

• Once you've identified the problem, also discuss any underlying concerns that both of you may have. While you may each know what 'winning' looks like, if both of you aim for victory, no one will win. Instead, explain why you're advocating for a particular solution.
• You should also agree on the problem and the solution. For example, if you're in disagreement about who should do the housework, at least agree that the housework needs attention. That's the starting point.

Discuss possible solutions. This step may be the hardest, as it involves finding solutions that both parties can agree upon. This means both of you must agree on what the main issues in your relationship are and come up with ways that both of you can take action to improve it. Fundamentally, both of you must be willing to compromise. Blaming each other will only make matters worse since both have contributed to the situation.

• Compromise means sharing what each of you needs and desires in the relationship. This step is crucial because, afterward, you can determine what each of you is willing to stand firm on and what can be compromised. Compromise involves giving in when necessary.
• Specific solutions will be effective. For example, you might identify that a major issue is not spending enough quality time together. A solution could be scheduling a weekly date night and trying to have lunch together at least three times a week.
• Money issues might also be a factor. Sit down together and agree on managing the budget, compromising on what both of you value. For instance, if you're the saver who prefers to keep every penny, but your partner enjoys luxurious vacations, you might compromise by planning simpler getaways each year within your budget.
• Sharing household chores. A seemingly small task can become a big issue if one person feels they're doing all the housework. Have an honest discussion about dividing chores fairly and set a schedule for who does what and when.

Learn to forgive. If you want to move forward, you will need to forgive each other for the hurt both of you have caused. This doesn’t mean you have to completely forget what happened or pretend it’s no big deal. It means acknowledging the pain you’ve endured. You need to recognize that the other person made a mistake, and that both of you have learned from it. Ultimately, you need to accept that it happened and decide to move on.

• Most mistakes stem from unmet needs. Understanding this can help you learn from what happened.

Consider the future outcomes. After identifying the issues and solutions, both of you must officially commit to following through with the solutions. These solutions should be specific and acceptable to both parties.

• If you find that your solutions are ineffective after a while, you can reassess and try a different approach.

Don’t forget the boundaries. Once you’ve created a plan to move forward, don’t forget to establish boundaries. Yes, you’ve forgiven each other for past mistakes, but you should also set limits to ensure those mistakes aren’t repeated.

• For example, if one person cheated after visiting a club, it makes sense to set a boundary that they should avoid going back there. You might say, “The previous incident made me uncomfortable when you go to that club. If you continue to go there, it will be a barrier for me.”

Think about what brought you together in the first place. When the relationship is under strain, you might forget what initially drew you to each other. Take some time to reflect on what made you fall for him or her.

• Maybe she always made you laugh, or he would call to make sure you got home safely. Think about the little things that made you care for the other person. A way to reminisce is to look back at old photos of the two of you together.

Ensure both of you are open to change. If your main goal is to protect yourself from suffering and anger, you won’t be open to transformation. In this case, it might seem like you want to control your partner in order to maintain that protection, which can turn your relationship into something negative and restrictive. On the other hand, if both of you are willing to learn and grow together, your relationship will improve and evolve over time. If only one person is ready to change, achieving this goal may not be possible.

Focus on the good things. Think about what you love about your partner. Take some time each day to write down five things about them that you appreciate or feel grateful for. Try turning these thoughts into words and actions by expressing your gratitude to them.

Understand each other's love language. Everyone experiences love in their own unique way. Gary Chapman identified five love languages that describe how people perceive love. If you haven't yet explored your partner's love language, now is the time to do so. You can take online quizzes to find out what your love language is.

• The first love language is words of affirmation, meaning you feel loved when you hear compliments.
• The second love language is acts of service, meaning you feel loved when someone takes time to help with things around the house.
• The third love language is receiving gifts, where you feel loved when you receive thoughtful gifts from those close to you.
• The fourth love language is quality time, where you feel loved when your partner spends time with you.
• The final love language is physical touch, where you feel loved when your partner shows affection through physical gestures like kissing, hugging, or cuddling.

Apply love languages in your interactions. As you engage with one another, try using your partner's love language to show that you care. If your partner's love language is acts of service, you can help with small tasks around the house or wash their car as a sign of affection. If their love language is quality time, make an effort to spend more time together.

Set aside time to connect with one another. Just as when you first came together, both of you need to spend time in your own world. You might think you know everything about your partner, but they can still surprise you, even after many years. Each day, take time to talk and ask about their life, thoughts, and feelings.

• One way to discover new things about your partner is to take a class together, such as cooking or dancing. Doing something new together can help rekindle the spark in your relationship.

Enjoy doing things together. While interests may change over time, it is important to make time for activities that you both once enjoyed. If cooking Vietnamese dishes was something you both loved in the past, revisit that interest. If long-distance running was once part of your routine, but you now feel like it's too challenging, take on the challenge once again. By committing to rekindling passions from earlier days, you can rediscover the joy of those activities. However, it's not necessary to stick to past hobbies. Feel free to explore new ones together.

Physical touch matters. Remember to stay connected through gestures of affection, not just through intimacy. Hold hands, caress each other, or share a hug when you're together. Gently touch her hand while she speaks, or rub his knee when you're sitting side by side. Physical contact plays a key role in maintaining closeness. However, after many years together, the daily routines may cause this to fade. Keep the connection alive with regular touch.

Maintain communication. Once you begin working on this, you may feel that all your issues could be solved by one long conversation. However, sustaining a relationship means continuously communicating with one another, sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

• Effective communication becomes even more critical when you're angry and tempted to snap at each other. Instead of giving in to frustration, pause and take a deep breath. Once calm, explain why you're upset and how to proceed with resolving the issue.

Try to salvage it when you still love each other. There was a reason why you both came together in the first place, and that reason is the seed of love that has kept you together for so long. If the love is still there, it's worth the effort to improve communication and rebuild your connection. All relationships go through rough patches. Repairing the relationship requires effort, but it’s worth trying if you still have a place for them in your heart.

Consider repairing the relationship if your partner wants to. You may be standing at the crossroads, ready to give up on the relationship, but your partner is doing everything they can to hold on. If you’ve been together for a long time, it might be worth considering putting effort into fixing things. You may see the love your partner has for you, and it could restore your belief that while things are difficult now, they can improve. Take a moment to reflect on whether it’s worth trying for them.

Allow yourself to stop trying when it’s time. No matter how good things used to be, or how much one person wants the relationship to continue, sometimes it becomes clear that it's time to end things. If you've already put in the effort to save the relationship but no longer feel the love, or lack the will to reignite it, then it’s okay to stop trying. Don’t drag things on for months or years, blaming yourself for not fixing it. It’s normal to choose happiness without sacrificing it. When one person becomes indifferent, ending it may be the best choice for both.

Don’t try to save a toxic or abusive relationship. There’s no way to fix a harmful or abusive relationship. No matter how many communication methods you try or romantic gestures you make, things won’t improve in the long run. You may feel like you’re benefiting from the relationship in some way, but in reality, you’ll have much more when you’re free from it.

• Ensure that both sides are truly committed to the healing process. If only one person is ready, they will eventually be disappointed.