How to Save a Relationship

Determine if both of you truly want to save the relationship. Both partners need to commit to working together to mend the relationship and make it stronger. You and your partner should express your agreement through words, as this demonstrates your dedication to the relationship. If your partner is uncertain about their desire to fix things, you should reconsider what this relationship means to them. If both of you aren’t genuinely committed to saving it, it will be difficult to succeed.

Reflect on why you are still in the relationship. Before attempting to save the relationship, take a moment to sit down and ask yourself what initially attracted you to your partner and how those factors have changed or shifted. Spending a few minutes reevaluating why you are still in the relationship will remind you why you want to stay with them and motivate you to find ways to rejuvenate your bond.

• You and your partner can do this together. Be prepared to face constructive criticism and use 'I' statements. For example, 'I feel like we used to spend more time together. Now, we hardly see each other,' or 'I feel that one of the things I love most about you is your energy and passion for life. But lately, I feel like you’ve been more withdrawn and down.' Focus on the qualities you value and admire in your partner, and identify when and how they have faded in the relationship.

Seek perspective and advice from family and friends. Sometimes, it can be difficult to evaluate your relationship objectively, especially when emotions are running high. Talk to close friends or family members you trust, who know both you and your partner well. Discuss some of the issues you’re facing and ask if they’ve experienced something similar. They may offer helpful strategies to repair your relationship.

• Remember, too much external advice can overwhelm your relationship and create assumptions or biases between you and your partner. Listen to others’ advice, but don’t take everything to heart. Focus on communicating openly with your partner, rather than with everyone around you, to ensure your relationship doesn’t fall apart.

Stay calm and respectful when talking to your partner. It can be challenging to maintain respect and control your emotions when discussing issues in your relationship with your partner.

• Communicating with care and respect shows your partner that you’re committed to saving the relationship. Avoid using harsh language or raising your voice during discussions. Instead, be honest and clear about your feelings while maintaining a caring and loving tone.
• Before talking to your partner, use calming techniques to activate your body’s relaxation response. Deep breathing, meditation, or even exercising before the conversation can help you stay calm throughout the discussion.

Express your feelings honestly and specifically. To improve communication with your partner, avoid misunderstandings or unclear expressions of your thoughts. One way to do this is to clearly, directly, and specifically share your feelings and desires with them. If you feel like your partner is neglecting the relationship, be honest and clear about why and how this is troubling you.

• For example, say, 'I feel like we haven’t been spending much time together lately, and I really miss being with you, just the two of us.' Then, suggest going out for dinner together. This will help your partner understand your intentions and ensure you’re truly communicating.
• Additionally, during disagreements, focus on the specific issue that’s upsetting you rather than bringing up multiple problems at once. If you feel like you’re not spending enough time together, discuss ways to meet more often and prioritize each other. If the disagreement is about chores, like taking out the trash, address that issue directly by discussing why it’s important.
• Avoid letting the conversation about taking out the trash escalate into accusations about your partner not caring about household responsibilities or being lazy. Address one issue at a time to prevent confusion and avoid turning the disagreement into a heated argument.

Practice active listening. Active listening means engaging with and responding to your partner in a way that fosters mutual understanding. Instead of viewing conversations as battles or competitions to win, think of them as opportunities to learn and better understand your partner. This approach shows that you value the conversation as a way to actively hear what they have to say, rather than interrupting or dismissing their thoughts.

• To practice active listening, focus your attention on your partner and let them finish speaking without interruption. Then, paraphrase what they’ve said in your own words. Even if you don’t necessarily agree, this demonstrates that you understand their perspective and are willing to discuss it through healthy exchanges of feelings and thoughts rather than arguments.

Be willing to acknowledge your partner’s perspective. Active listening is only one part of effective communication. The other part involves validating your partner’s viewpoint, considering their feelings, and discussing ways to resolve conflicts. This could mean having an open discussion about adjusting habits or schedules to better suit each other, or finding solutions to the issues you’re facing together. Show your partner that you respect their perspective and are willing to collaborate on resolving the problem.

• For example, if your partner expresses frustration about your long work hours and late returns, respond with, 'I hear that you want me to come home earlier and not work so much so we can spend more time together. I want that too. I’ve been working long hours because of an upcoming deadline, but I’d love to have dinner with you this weekend so we can reconnect.' This type of response shows you’ve listened and are offering a solution, taking responsibility for your actions while aligning with their concerns.

Seek therapy or counseling if needed. Sometimes, you may need to consult a therapist or counselor to address emotions and feelings that threaten to end your relationship. Look for a couples’ therapist or counselor you trust and can be honest with. Often, attending therapy together is the first step in reaffirming your commitment to saving the relationship.

• Additionally, consider individual therapy if you’re dealing with personal issues that may affect your relationship. Addressing your own challenges can help alleviate anger, anxiety, or stress that you might be bringing into the relationship.

Plan outings together. One of the main reasons couples face issues is when one partner feels the other isn’t dedicating enough time and effort to the relationship. Make time for your partner and ensure they do the same by planning outings and activities you can enjoy together. Focus on creating quality moments where you can interact, talk, laugh, and collaborate in a fun and meaningful way.

• This could be as simple as a special date night at a nice restaurant or a walk to a favorite spot. Try incorporating activities you both enjoy and be open to trying new things. This will make the time you spend together exciting and engaging.

Commit to a weekly date night. If you and your partner are both busy with careers and personal schedules, pick a specific day of the week and make it your official date night. This means that no matter what events or tasks come up, you’ll both reserve that evening exclusively for each other, free from distractions. Having a dedicated date night makes it easier to plan outings or activities and ensures you both know when you’ll have quality time together.

• Once you’ve agreed on a specific date night, avoid skipping or missing it. Sticking to this commitment means being willing to cancel other plans for your partner and honoring your agreement to prioritize quality time together.

Surprise your partner with a unique date. If you want to strengthen your bond and renew your commitment to each other, plan a surprise date in a unique setting.

• You could take your partner laser tagging, bowling, or even try something more adventurous like river kayaking or dog sledding. Combine an activity your partner loves with an unexpected twist to create a fun and memorable experience.