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Whether you're a teenager experiencing your first crush or someone older who finds it challenging to open up about your relationships to strict parents, it can be difficult. Perhaps you're even a guy figuring out how to tell your parents you're gay. Regardless of the situation, telling your parents about your boyfriend can feel daunting. But if you approach it carefully, they might surprise you with acceptance—and if all goes well, they could even be thrilled for you. Here are some tips to make the conversation as smooth as possible.
Guidelines
Assistance in Communicating With Your Parents
Ways to Inform Your Parents About Your Boyfriend
Handling Parental Disapproval of Your Boyfriend
Coming Out to Your FamilyDelivering the Message
Write it down. If you’re worried you might get nervous, it’s totally okay to jot down what you plan to say. This can help you organize your thoughts so you can explain your relationship clearly. That way, when the moment arrives, you’ll be able to express everything without hesitation.
- As you draft your message, try predicting how your parents might respond, so you can address their concerns as you talk about your boyfriend.
Rehearse your message. It’s natural to feel uneasy when talking to your parents about your new relationship. Practicing what you’ll say can make the conversation less stressful. Use a trusted friend or relative to practice with.
- You can also try practicing in front of a mirror.
- Choose someone you trust to help, but avoid someone who might spill the news prematurely. For example, pick a close cousin instead of an older sibling who might feel compelled to share it with your parents.
Decide who to approach first. You might feel closer to one parent, or perhaps one is more understanding than the other. Sometimes, sharing the news with the more approachable parent can pave the way for telling the other.
- For example, if you’ve always been a "daddy's girl," and can easily charm him, you might want to start with your father. On the other hand, if your dad is a bit more protective, your mother might be a better starting point.
- This strategy can be especially useful if you’re a teenager with your first boyfriend.
- Alternatively, if you think both parents will react similarly, just tell them together and get it over with.
Choose the right moment. It’s important not to bring up the subject when your parents are busy or stressed. You might want to ask them when a good time to talk would be. Aim for a calm time when there are no distractions, and they are in a relaxed mood.
- However, don’t use this as an excuse to delay telling them. Eventually, you’ll need to have the conversation, so it’s better to get it done sooner rather than later.
EXPERT ADVICE
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Marriage & Family Therapist
Setting the right atmosphere for tough family talks can truly make a difference. If you need to have an important conversation with your parents, choose a time and place where distractions are minimal. Even if previous discussions didn’t go well, treat this as a fresh chance for you to connect and be open with each other.
Understand your feelings. There’s a reason why you’re hesitating to talk to your parents. Are you worried they might be upset because you’re dating? Perhaps you’re concerned they won’t approve of your boyfriend. Or maybe you just prefer to keep your personal life private. It’s crucial to identify your feelings, as they can guide your conversation.
- For example, if you think your parents might feel you’re too young to date, you could say, "Mom, Dad, I’ve been hesitant to share that I have a boyfriend because I think you might feel I’m not old enough."
Just say it. Once you start the conversation, don’t drag it out. Be direct but gentle. You could soften the moment with words like, "I love you both, and I really don’t want to upset you. But I want to be honest with you about my life, and I think it’s time to tell you about the boy I’ve started seeing."
Explain why you’re ready to date. If you’re making the case for dating, explain why you feel it’s the right time. Perhaps you think you should be able to date because you’re in high school, and that’s common at your age. Be reasonable and try not to get upset if your parents disagree.
- Your parents likely won’t respond well to the argument "But everyone else is doing it!" Instead, you could refer to statistics about the average age people begin dating and mention how you’ve shown growth and maturity over the past year.
Be ready to compromise. If your parents don’t want you to date and you want them to allow it, be prepared to negotiate. You might suggest seeing your boyfriend only at school or going on group dates with friends. Your parents want to protect you, so you may need to give up some of your freedom.
- Listen to your parents’ concerns, and consider whether they’re valid. While their concerns might seem frustrating, remember that they have more life experience than you. They may notice potential issues you haven’t thought of yet. Pay attention to their warnings, and look for signs that they might be right.
Introduce your boyfriend. Share with your parents about your boyfriend, including details about his family and what you appreciate about him. Highlight his positive traits to help them get to know him better. It might also help to show them a photo.
- Expect your parents to have plenty of questions. It’s important to answer them truthfully and thoroughly to ease their concerns about the relationship. If you hide or lie about something, it could make them more suspicious and anxious.
- If your boyfriend has a close relationship with his family, let your parents know. This can be a big plus for them as it shows that he values family bonds and understands the importance of strong familial ties.
Be upfront about it. If you want your parents to accept your boyfriend, it’s crucial to be the one to tell them. If they hear about your relationship from someone else, they may think you were hiding it because you felt it was wrong.
- Even if you’re not planning on making any official introductions soon, it’s important to let your parents know about your boyfriend. The sooner you share the news, the easier it will be. Delaying the conversation will only make it more difficult later and increase the chances that they’ll hear about it from another source.
- Once you’re older and living on your own, you won’t need to update your parents about every date or boyfriend. Wait until you’re in a serious, committed relationship before sharing it with them.
Handling Special Situations
Save the difficult topics for later. If you know there’s something about your boyfriend that might upset your parents, don’t bring it up right away. Instead, wait until the middle or end of the conversation to address it. For example, if your boyfriend is older than you, it may be better to wait until the end of the discussion to share that information.
Be prepared for their reaction. If you’re doing something that goes against your parents’ expectations, they’re likely to be upset. You’ll have to handle their anger and possible tears until you can help them understand your point of view.
Give them time. It might take a little while for your parents to adjust to the idea. If they react strongly and say "no" while you’re talking to them, they could change their minds once they've had some time to process. Regardless of their initial response, remember that you still need to maintain a relationship with them. Don’t dismiss them entirely just because they said no in the heat of the moment.
Coming Out as Gay to Your Parents
Choose the right moment. This is a sensitive conversation, particularly if you’re uncertain about how your parents will react. Wait until you feel confident and ready to have the talk. It can be even harder if you're unsure about your sexuality because your parents might try to convince you that you're not actually gay.
- If you express any doubt about your sexuality, your parents might ask, "Are you sure?" It's okay to talk through your doubts and feelings with them. Keep in mind that they may want confirmation about your certainty. If you're not entirely sure, that’s perfectly fine. You might have feelings for a guy now, but later decide you prefer women. Sexuality can evolve over time, and even if it changes, it doesn't invalidate your current emotions or relationship.
Rehearse with someone first. Coming out is challenging, so consider sharing your feelings with someone supportive before you talk to your parents. If you have a gay friend or an ally, try discussing your sexuality with them first. It can be difficult to speak these words for the first time, and practicing with someone else might make it a little easier when you’re ready to talk to your parents. Plus, they may offer helpful advice, especially if they’ve gone through the same experience themselves. Just make sure you trust them completely.
Provide information. If you feel the need to convince your parents, try presenting them with facts about homosexuality. There are many helpful resources available, such as Planned Parenthood's LGBTQ website.
- Having materials or websites to share with them can also be a good idea, giving them the opportunity to learn more about the topic on their own.
Allow them time. It often takes parents a while to come to terms with this news. Since many parents assume their children will be straight, they need time to reevaluate their perceptions of who you are. Let them know it’s okay to take their time processing the news.
- For example, you could say, "I know this is a big change, and I understand if you need time to adjust. I needed some time, too."
Know when it’s not the right time. If you anticipate a strong negative reaction from your parents due to their beliefs, it may be best to hold off on coming out. If you fear they might reject you or react violently, it’s important to wait until you are financially independent.
- If you are emotionally vulnerable and know that your parents will respond harshly, it’s wise to wait.
- Plan ahead for how to handle any negative reactions. Know where you could go if things become hostile, and who can offer you emotional support.
- You can also find help from organizations such as The Trevor Project, which specialize in supporting LGBTQ individuals.
Ease your father into the conversation casually."I was really nervous to tell my overprotective dad about my new crush. But after reading this, I got an idea to bring it up while we were just chilling in the pool. I mentioned dating, and he seemed surprisingly cool talking about it! Now I feel way more confident that when the right time comes, he'll be open if I say I have an actual boyfriend. Easing into it casually is so the way to go."- Ysobelle Pearce (Mytour Community Member)
Wait for the right time to reduce any negative reactions."As someone who’s always been shy, I’ve struggled to talk to my traditional mom about dating. This guide suggested waiting until she’s in a good mood before bringing it up. I’m still anxious about how she’ll react, but I believe that choosing the right moment can make it easier to share the news that I have a boyfriend. Taking baby steps is crucial for people like me who are more reserved!"- Alexia D.
Rely on others for support during your coming-out experience."I deeply resonated with the part about coming out to unsupportive parents. Reaching out to LGBTQ friends first helped me build confidence. I also contacted a nonprofit like The Trevor Project, which provided resources to help me explain my sexuality more clearly. While it was painful when my parents reacted negatively, surrounding myself with allies helped me navigate that tough time. You don’t have to face this alone."- Forum P.
Give parents who disapprove some space to process the information."When I first told my traditional Caribbean mother about my boyfriend, she was very upset. This article reminded me to be patient and keep the lines of communication open, even when she didn’t want to talk about it anymore. After allowing her some time to process the news, she slowly became more accepting. Convincing parents to change their views takes time and ongoing effort."- Annakaye S.
Got a story that our readers should know? Share it with the 1 billion+ Mytour users annually. Tell us your story here.How to Respond When Your Parents Disapprove
Hear their concerns out. Love can cloud our judgment. While your parents might be overreacting to the fact that you have a boyfriend, they likely have some valid concerns that deserve your attention.
- Politely ask your parents why they don't approve of your boyfriend. Perhaps a characteristic of his makes them uneasy, and their concerns might be worth reflecting on. Even if their reasons seem minor, hearing them out will give you insight into how to address their worries and show them that the relationship is worth their approval.
Recognize their perspective. Good parents take their role of protecting their children seriously, so it’s only natural that they may have difficulty accepting you growing up. Try to understand their point of view.
- Along with empathy, always remain respectful. No matter how the conversation goes, show your parents respect. If you can disagree respectfully, they’re more likely to calm down and might eventually come around to your way of thinking.
- One reason parents might oppose a relationship is fear of early pregnancy, especially if they believe their child isn’t ready for such responsibility. There could be other factors:
- Your boyfriend might be struggling academically.
- He might be unemployed and dependent on his parents.
- He could be involved in criminal activity or gangs.
- He may have a history of infidelity or flirtation.
Decide if the relationship is worth continuing. Reflect on how important your boyfriend is to you and how much strain the relationship with your parents might endure if you continue dating. Carefully weigh the advantages and disadvantages of each side to come to a decision. Yes, you love your boyfriend, but your parents will always be a part of your life.
Keep the conversation going. If you're determined to continue seeing your boyfriend, keep discussing the situation with your parents. The more you talk, the better both sides will understand each other. Your parents might eventually soften their stance.
- Also, provide more chances for your parents to get to know your boyfriend. The more they interact with him, the clearer their impression of him will be. If he truly is a good person, they might eventually let their guard down and accept him.
- Consider arranging a casual get-together before you announce your relationship. For example, have your boyfriend join a group hangout at your house with other friends. This gives your parents the opportunity to become familiar with him in a relaxed setting.
Talk it over with your boyfriend. A caring partner will recognize that earning your parents' approval is a significant milestone in your relationship. Together, you both can explore ways to help your parents see the value of your relationship and gain their blessing.
- If your parents haven't met him yet, he could offer to introduce himself to them to ease their concerns.
- If your parents shared specific reasons for their disapproval, informing him about these concerns might inspire him to address whatever behavior or situation is making them uneasy.
Seek help from his parents. Talk to your boyfriend's parents about your relationship and ask for their support. If they approve, they may be willing to have a conversation with your parents and help sway their opinion.
- This can be especially helpful if you're a teenager and he's your first boyfriend. Adults often relate to one another better than to teens, so if two respected adults speak to your parents on your behalf and vouch for your boyfriend, your parents might be more inclined to consider this new perspective.
