How to Speak Less

Speak only when it's necessary. Before speaking, ask yourself whether what you’re about to say is truly important. Avoid speaking when it doesn't contribute to the discussion.

• People tend to listen more to those who speak thoughtfully. Over time, those who constantly share opinions or talk excessively may lose the attention of others. If you tend to talk a lot, you'll find yourself sharing unnecessary information.

Avoid talking just to fill the silence. People often speak to fill the void. You might find yourself talking to ease the tension of silence in situations like at school or in the workplace. Sometimes, silence is necessary, and you don’t need to speak merely to fill the space.

• For example, if you and a colleague are in a break room, you don't need to make small talk. If your colleague seems uninterested in chatting, they probably don’t want to engage.
• In such cases, a polite smile or remaining silent is perfectly acceptable.

Think carefully before speaking. If you talk too often, you'll say whatever comes to mind without much filtering. Learning to speak less involves thinking about what you’re about to say. Before speaking, try to think about the words you'll use. This approach helps you keep some things to yourself, reducing your tendency to talk too much.

• When you talk excessively, people tend to reveal information that should remain private. If you have something you want to say, especially something personal, take a moment before speaking. Remember, you can always say it later, but once it’s out, it can't be taken back.

Be mindful of the duration of your conversation. Estimating how long you’ve been speaking can help you keep your speech concise. Typically, after about 20 seconds of speaking, you risk losing the listener's attention. After this threshold, pay attention to the listener. Look for signs that they may be losing interest.

• Observe their body language. The listener might fidget or check their phone when they start to feel bored. Their eyes might wander. Try to wrap up your point within the next 20 seconds and allow space for the other person to speak.
• As a rule, try not to speak for more than 40 seconds at a time. Speaking longer can make the listener feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed.

Check if you're speaking to mask your fear. Many people speak excessively due to underlying social anxiety. Pay attention to when you speak too much. Are you feeling anxious? If so, find another way to address this issue.

• If you notice yourself talking too much, pause and evaluate your emotions. How do you feel? Are you worried about something?
• Try counting to ten in your head or take a deep breath if you're feeling nervous. You can also encourage yourself before engaging in social events. Remind yourself that feeling anxious is normal, but take it easy and enjoy yourself.
• If social anxiety is a serious issue for you, consider seeking therapy for treatment.

Avoid speaking to impress others. People often talk excessively to impress others, particularly in a professional setting. If you find yourself speaking too much, ask yourself whether you’re trying to show off.

• If you tend to speak a lot to get attention, remind yourself that people are more likely to be impressed by what you say rather than how long you say it.
• Instead of rambling on about yourself, save your insights for when you can contribute something valuable to the conversation.

Focus solely on the speaker. When engaging in a conversation, avoid distractions like glancing at your phone or letting your mind wander. Resist thinking about what you'll do after work or what you’ll have for dinner. Direct your full attention to the person speaking. This will enhance your listening ability as you focus on their words.

• Make a habit of maintaining eye contact with the speaker. If your mind starts to drift, remind yourself to refocus and actively listen.

Maintain eye contact. Eye contact signals your attentiveness. Look into the speaker's eyes as they speak. It shows that you are engaged and present in the conversation. Lack of eye contact can come across as rude or disinterested.

• Electronic devices like phones can distract you, especially when they beep or notify you. Keep your phone in your bag or pocket when conversing with someone to avoid distractions.
• Eye contact can also help you gauge if the other person is getting bored. If they avoid looking at you while you're speaking, it may be a sign that you're talking too much. Pause and give them space to contribute.

Think about what the other person is saying. Listening isn’t passive. Your role is to absorb what the other person is communicating. Try to avoid forming a response while they are speaking. Even if you disagree with their point, wait until it’s your turn to share your opinion. Don’t just focus on how you’ll reply while they’re still talking.

• Try to visualize what’s being discussed. Picture mental images related to their words.
• You can also latch onto keywords or phrases as they speak to help you stay engaged.

Clarify what the other person is saying. In conversations, you’ll eventually get your turn to speak. However, before you respond, make sure you understand what was said. Paraphrase what the speaker shared and ask questions. Avoid simply repeating their words verbatim. Restate their point in your own words to confirm your understanding. Remember, active listening is not about interrupting or asserting your views, but showing the speaker that you are truly engaged.

• For instance, you could say: "So, are you saying you're worried about the upcoming office party?".
• Then, follow up with a question like: "Why do you think you're feeling stressed about it? Would you like to talk about it?".
• Ensure that you express empathy and avoid judgment while listening. You can acknowledge their perspective respectfully without necessarily abandoning your own views.

Express yourself when necessary. Don't assume that speaking less means not asserting or expressing yourself. If you have a genuine concern or an important opinion, don't hesitate to speak up. Part of speaking less is knowing when it’s time to share your thoughts.

• For example, if you're going through a tough time, it's completely normal to share with others if you need support.
• Sharing is also important when your opinion is valuable. For instance, if you have strong views on a work-related matter, sharing them with both your boss and colleagues can benefit everyone.

Don't overdo eye contact. While eye contact is crucial, it can be stressful if maintained too long. Eye contact is often associated with confidence and attentiveness, but excessive eye contact might make you seem distrustful. It's best to maintain eye contact for about 7 to 10 seconds, then glance away for a moment.

• Eye contact may also be less appropriate in certain cultures. For example, Asian cultures may view prolonged eye contact as disrespectful. If you interact with someone from a different culture, it’s important to familiarize yourself with their social norms regarding eye contact.

Keep an open mind when listening to others. Everyone has their own perspective on what is right and normal. When you listen to someone attentively, they might express views that differ from yours. However, the key when listening is not to judge. If you find yourself judging someone, stop and remind yourself to focus on their words. You can analyze the information later, but while listening, stay focused on the speaker without forming opinions.

• Before engaging in a conversation, consider whether your input is necessary; if not, remain silent.