How to Start a Relationship with a Widow

Respect the memory of your partner’s late spouse. Your significant other loved (and continues to love) their departed partner. This loss will always be a part of her life. If you want to be in a relationship with her, you must be conscious of this reality, accept it, and learn to offer the right kind of support.

• It’s okay to feel uncomfortable at first. Death is a sensitive topic, and it’s even more difficult when it affects someone you care for. Try not to dismiss these feelings.

Respect your partner's decision to keep mementos of the deceased. These items are valuable and hold sentimental meaning for your partner. It’s important to be respectful, rather than resentful, and refrain from viewing these keepsakes as a challenge to your relationship. If you both decide to live together in the future, you can discuss together how to handle these items.

Don’t avoid conversations about your partner’s late spouse. Allow your partner to share their thoughts and feelings about their loss. While it might feel uncomfortable, try to remain sensitive and open to your partner’s emotions. Ignoring the subject won’t help you, your partner, or your relationship.

• There will be times when memories of the deceased come up for your partner. If she chooses to share those memories, listen with patience and understanding. Encourage her to talk about these memories. By doing so, she is showing that she trusts you and wants to connect with you.
• Engage actively in these conversations. Show your support by maintaining eye contact and offering reassuring gestures. Be attentive both in mind and spirit.
• Don’t shy away from learning more about your partner’s deceased spouse. Showing interest in who they were and the life they shared demonstrates care. For example, you might ask, “It sounds like you had an amazing time in Barbados. What other trips did you two enjoy?” or “What hobbies did Derek have?” These questions signal your care for her past and her memories.

Respect moments when your partner needs to grieve privately. Sometimes your partner may choose not to share her grief with you. Respect her space and don’t pressure her into opening up. Certain aspects of her past relationship, like the circumstances surrounding the death or final days, may still be too painful to revisit. She will share when she is emotionally ready.

Be mindful of how you refer to the deceased spouse. Never refer to your partner’s late spouse as her “ex.” Using this term implies that their relationship ended by choice, rather than by a tragic and irreversible event. Instead, use terms like “late,” “deceased,” or “departed” to acknowledge the loss more sensitively.

Avoid using clichéd phrases to comfort your partner. While you might want to reassure your partner by saying things like “your late spouse is at peace” or “no longer in pain,” these common expressions often fail to truly comfort someone grieving. Regardless of the circumstances of the death, a part of your partner still longs for the life they could have continued with their deceased spouse.

• Instead, offer support by saying things like “I know this is hard for you. Would you like to talk?” or “I’m always here if you need some company.” Offering your presence and a willingness to listen is often the best way to show support.

Be aware of your partner’s emotional fluctuations. Even seemingly minor occurrences may bring up moments of sadness for your partner. For instance, seeing her late spouse’s favorite food at the grocery store or a commercial featuring their favorite TV show may stir up feelings of grief. Stand by her during these moments, and don’t become frustrated when she feels upset. These reactions are entirely normal and are a natural part of the grieving process, even long after the loss.

Honor her grief during important dates and anniversaries. Birthdays, wedding anniversaries, and the anniversary of the death can be particularly difficult for your partner. The best thing you can do is be there for her. Ask her if there is anything she would like to do to remember the occasion.

• Always check in first to see if she wants company or if she prefers to be alone. If she chooses solitude, respect her wishes.

Suggest therapy if your partner’s grief appears to be excessively prolonged. It may be helpful to familiarize yourself with the signs of complicated grief as part of your understanding of mourning. Symptoms could include daily intense grief for months, changes in eating and sleeping patterns, and a deep longing to be with the deceased – at times, to the point of self-destructive thoughts. If your partner’s grief seems to have reached this stage, assist her in finding professional help.

Take things slowly at the beginning of the relationship. Don’t rush into expecting immediate commitment. Instead, focus on getting to know your partner gradually and nurturing the bond. Dating after the loss of a spouse can feel daunting, and your partner may have hesitations about embarking on this new relationship.

Discuss your partner’s expectations for the relationship. Many people, including widows, date with the hope of building a lasting connection. Make sure to communicate with your partner about what each of you desires from the relationship. If you're both aiming for a committed and stable bond, feel free to move forward. However, if your goals differ, it may be best to part ways.

• To initiate the conversation, you might ask: “Can we talk about where we see this relationship going?” or “Can we talk about whether we’re interested in having a committed relationship?”

Create new memories and traditions with your partner. Although your partner is a widow, this status doesn’t have to define your relationship. Strengthen your bond by exploring new experiences together. This won’t erase the memories of her late spouse, but it will help her envision a future with you.

• Perhaps you both could dine at your favorite restaurant or take up a new hobby together. Even small moments, like cooking a meal together or sharing a lighthearted joke, can significantly deepen your connection.

Be open about insecurities in the relationship. Dating a widow might bring new challenges that you haven’t anticipated. You may feel uneasy when hearing about your partner’s late spouse or compare yourself to them. Likewise, your partner may fear losing you as she did her spouse. Honest communication is key to navigating these feelings together.

• A great way to open this discussion is: “I feel uncomfortable when you mention how Phil liked my haircut. It’s important that you see me for who I am.” Focus on how the specific behavior makes you feel to address the issue effectively.
• Reader Poll: We asked 422 Mytour readers about how they manage insecurities in relationships, and 70% of them said that the most effective methods were open communication and honesty. [Take Poll]

Get to know your partner’s children if you choose to commit to each other. Allow them to adjust to your presence at their own pace. Children may feel threatened by the idea of a new stepparent, as they might fear you're trying to replace their late parent.

• Start by introducing yourself to them, but don’t immediately try to engage in family activities. They’ll need time to get used to you.
• Follow your partner’s guidance on how to approach her children. She knows them best. Discuss with her how to ease into getting to know her kids, and take the time to learn about their personalities and interests. Perhaps you could start by attending dinner together or joining your partner and her children at one of their activities. Casual interactions like these can help alleviate some of the tension.

Don’t try to imitate your partner’s late spouse. It may be tempting to ease your partner’s grief by mimicking her late spouse’s appearance or adopting their past habits, responsibilities, or hobbies. Remember, you are your own person. Attempting to replace your partner’s lost loved one will only set you up for failure. Instead of helping, it may hurt both you and your partner in the long run.

Understand that the late spouse is not a threat to your relationship. By being in your partner’s life, you’re showing that she is working through her grief and seeking to build a future with you. Your relationship marks the beginning of a new chapter, one that, with effort, could flourish into something fulfilling and beautiful for both of you.

Be assertive (but empathetic) about behaviors that make you uncomfortable. There may be times when your partner unintentionally says things that hurt you. She might compare you to her late spouse or present your relationship as inferior to the one she had before. It’s natural to feel discomfort in these moments. It’s important to communicate openly with your partner and find a way to address these concerns together, so both of your needs are met.

TELL US WHAT YOU THINK

From your perspective, what is the most effective way to handle feeling compared to your partner’s previous partner?

If you're finding it hard to cope emotionally, consider counseling. If you're experiencing overwhelming feelings of sadness or anxiety about your place in your partner’s life, seeking professional help can be beneficial. A counselor can assist you in understanding these emotions and offer guidance on how to deal with them in a healthy way.

• Make sure to prioritize your own well-being, taking care of both your physical and emotional needs, in addition to supporting your partner. A thriving relationship is built on mutual happiness.
• Be patient and open-minded. Grief often arises unpredictably and can be hard to understand. Allow your partner to experience her emotions freely rather than discouraging them.
• Remember that your bond with your partner is just as meaningful as her connection with her late spouse. It's normal to feel insecure as the partner of a widow. Accept that a part of her heart still belongs to someone else, but also take comfort in the fact that she is choosing to move forward with you. You represent a new beginning in her life, and that is something to cherish if you ever feel unsure.

1. • A great way to approach your partner’s children is to sit down together with your partner and talk to them as a team. You might say, “I understand how much you loved your father, and I completely respect your feelings of hesitation towards me. I want you to know that I don’t aim to replace your father. Your mother is incredibly important to me, and I would love the opportunity to get to know you as well.”

• Never compare your partner’s grief to a breakup or another type of loss. The experience of losing a spouse is unique and carries a depth of sorrow that differs greatly from other forms of loss. Unless you’ve experienced the loss of a spouse yourself, it may be challenging to relate in the same way.
• Avoid making jokes about the deceased partner in an attempt to “ease the tension.” This could cause your partner to feel misunderstood and potentially harm your relationship.