How to Stay Calm in Stressful Situations

• Try counting to 10 or take 3-5 deep breaths before responding in a conversation or stressful situation.
• Take a break. For example, if an argument with your spouse is escalating, pause and say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. I need a 15-minute break before we continue discussing this.” Step away, focus on deep breathing, and repeat a calming mantra like, “I can handle this calmly. I can do this.”

• Slowing down and tuning into each physical sensation you're experiencing can help you recognize how your body feels when you’re at your most stressed. Research indicates that consciously focusing on what’s happening in your body can rewire automatic brain habits.
• Pay attention to everything happening in your body, but try not to judge it. For instance, if you're anxious about performing well on a final exam, you might notice, "My face feels hot and flushed. My heart is racing. My palms are sweaty. I feel jittery." Try to observe these feelings as neutrally as possible.

• You may notice when stressed or angry, your breath seems to rise up into your chest or even to your throat. Try to breathe deeply from your diaphragm. Place one hand on your lower abdomen just below the ribs and the other on your chest.
• Breathe in slowly through your nose. Try to count to four if possible. You should feel your abdomen and chest expand as you breathe in; this is diaphragmatic breathing.
• Hold the breath for 1-2 seconds. Then, slowly exhale through your nose or mouth. Try to exhale for four counts if possible. Repeat this process for 6-10 cycles per minute for a few minutes.
• You may find it helpful to chant a mantra or count your breaths to stay focused. The mantra can be a single syllable, such as "ohm," or a phrase like "inhale [as you inhale], exhale [as you exhale]."

Our expert agrees: The easiest way to calm yourself and slow your heart rate is by controlling your breath. Inhale deeply and count to four, hold for four, exhale for four, and repeat the process.

• There are numerous free resources available online for PMR. Berkeley has a guide for you to follow, and MIT offers a free 11-minute audio guide to performing PMR.
• Find a quiet, comfortable space if possible. If not, you can still try some PMR techniques.
• If you can, remove tight clothing. Sit comfortably or lie down (though lying down may make you so comfortable that you fall asleep!). Focus on steady breathing while performing muscle relaxation exercises.
• Start with your face, as many people hold stress in their face, neck, and shoulders. Begin by opening your eyes wide for 5 seconds, then relax. Squeeze your eyes shut tightly for 5 seconds, then relax. Spend 10 seconds noticing how these areas feel.
• Move to the next muscle group. Tighten your lips for 5 seconds, then relax. Smile as widely as you can for 5 seconds, then relax. Again, take 10 seconds to appreciate the relaxed feeling before continuing.
• Continue tensing each muscle group for 5 seconds and then relaxing. Allow 10 seconds of relaxation between each muscle group.
• Move on to other muscle groups (if time permits): neck, shoulders, arms, chest, abdomen, back, thighs, calves, feet, and toes.
• If you're short on time, try to focus on just your face muscles. You can also massage your hands a bit, as we often exert tension there.

• Exercise can also act as a preventive measure. Studies suggest that aerobic exercise before a stressful event can actually help you stay calm.
• Try activities like yoga or Tai Chi. Deep breathing, meditation, and gentle movements from these practices can help you feel at ease.

• Psychological signs may include: difficulty focusing, forgetfulness, easily distracted, feeling uncreative or indecisive, anxiety, or frequent negative thinking.
• Emotional signs might include: crying, irritability, mood swings, abnormal emotions, defensiveness, lack of motivation or procrastination, low self-confidence, or feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, restlessness, or unexplained anger.
• Physical signs may include: aches and pains, weakened immune system, changes in weight or sleep patterns, panic attacks, exhaustion, or changes in libido.
• Behavioral signs could be: forgetfulness, disengagement, social withdrawal, difficulty sleeping, relationship problems, poor time management, lack of energy, or the use of alcohol, nicotine, or drugs as coping mechanisms.

• Family. Conflicts with parents, a partner, or loved ones can create significant stress.
• School or work. You may feel pressure to meet deadlines, accomplish specific tasks, or balance work and personal life. Major decisions can also contribute to stress.
• Personal issues. These can be intense, such as worrying about your self-worth or stress related to relationships, health, or financial concerns. You might also feel isolated, bored, or unable to find time for self-care.

• Do you often feel stressed even when the cause is temporary? For example, you might say "This week at work is really awful" to explain your stress. However, if you often feel stressed like this, it may go beyond just a passing inconvenience.
• Do you see stress as part of your personality or something that is just 'normal' for you? For example, you might think "My family is always stressed, it's just how we are" or "I'm just living a stressful life." This kind of thinking might make you feel powerless in controlling your stress.
• Do you view your stress as someone else's fault or responsibility? For instance, blaming a tough teacher for your stress over an assignment, instead of acknowledging your own procrastination, could prevent you from doing anything to alleviate your stress by changing your mindset.

Ask yourself if your reaction is appropriate to the situation. Health education expert Laura Horne advises: "Check if the situation matches your current response. Be realistic. Emotions are always valid, but they aren't always justified".

• Constantly dwelling on past events might indicate rumination, a harmful thought pattern where you "replay" negative thoughts. This can lead to anxiety and depression. It doesn’t help you, as it doesn’t teach you anything new or solve future problems.
• Instead, when you find yourself stressed by past events, remind yourself that the past cannot be changed. However, you can learn and grow from it, using it as a lesson to live better in the future. For instance, thinking "Why do my parents always avoid me? I’m such a failure" doesn’t benefit you and will only cause stress.
• Try viewing the past more positively. You could reevaluate past relationships by considering patterns like the types of people you date, your communication style, or events around past breakups. This will help you understand what's happening and make new plans for future relationships, avoiding self-blame, which will motivate you to make necessary changes.

• A common form of future-related anxiety is "catastrophizing", where you imagine the worst-case scenarios for every situation, even the minor ones. For example, if you feel stressed about an upcoming exam, you might exaggerate the problem: "If I don’t get a high grade on the test, I’ll fail the course, then I’ll fail the semester. If I fail, I won’t get a scholarship, and I won’t be able to go to college. Then, I’ll have no money or job, and I’ll have to live under a bridge." This is an extreme negative example, but it illustrates the type of thinking that can occur.
• You can challenge this thought by considering the worst-case scenario and whether you can cope with it. For example, in the previous case, the worst thing might be not going to college and having to move back with your parents. Then, see if that’s something you can handle. There's always a chance for you to recover. Finally, consider the realistic outcomes. In this case, failing the test doesn’t mean you’ll fail the entire course, and it doesn’t mean you can’t attend college…
• You can also challenge catastrophic thinking by pausing when you make conclusions and finding reasonable evidence and alternative perspectives. For instance, if you fail the test, you might fail the course – or you could retake the exam or improve your grade with extracurricular activities.

• Deep breathing through your nose. In your mind, count to five, and slowly exhale through your mouth for five seconds. Repeat this process until you feel more at ease.
• Shift your focus to something else. Distract your mind from stress by thinking about things that bring you joy, such as your children or spouse (assuming they’re not the source of stress at the moment), or focus on your planned activities for the day.
• Visualize relaxing scenarios, like a deserted island or a peaceful country road. Close your eyes and imagine every detail of this place, transporting yourself mentally to this serene environment, away from your current stress.
• Steer clear of stress triggers. If you can, step away from stressful situations. Leave the room or take a short break outside to clear your head and think things through.
• Recognize that anxiety isn't always a negative emotion. Sometimes, anxiety or stress may be a signal that you're facing an important decision, or even one that’s unnecessary. For example, you may feel stressed about selling everything, buying a bus, and living a nomadic life in the desert. This is undoubtedly a major decision, and whether or not it’s right for you, it's something to seriously contemplate. Anxiety serves as a warning to slow down and think carefully before acting.

Try repeating a mantra that holds meaning for you. In stressful situations, the amygdala, which is responsible for processing fear in the brain, can trigger thoughts that make you feel like you're in danger, even if that's not the case. Remind yourself that although you're feeling scared, you are still safe. You might find comfort in saying something to yourself or imagining a safe, happy place—like playing with your pet or relaxing in a hammock on a sunny, tropical island. This mental exercise can stimulate the release of oxytocin, promoting feelings of happiness and tranquility.

• Can you avoid it? Sometimes, the stress-inducing situation can be avoided by changing the circumstances. For example, if you're often stressed due to a busy schedule, review what tasks can be omitted or delayed. You can also learn to say "no" to frequent requests or ask for help.
• Can you change it? While some stressors may be unavoidable, you can change how you handle them, which can ultimately alter the outcome. For instance, arguments with your partner are inevitable in any relationship, even in the happiest ones. However, these situations won’t cause stress if you approach them differently, such as finding a compromise or expressing your feelings directly rather than being passively angry.
• Can you adapt to it? Sometimes, you can change your attitude or approach to reduce stress, even if you can’t change the situation. For instance, if you're frequently stressed by traffic jams, you can’t change the fact that you need to go to work, and rush-hour traffic is common. However, you could adapt by taking public transport, finding an alternative route, or adjusting your work hours.
• Can you accept it? Some things are simply beyond your control. You can't change or control the emotions, actions, or reactions of others. You can’t change the fact that it rained on your wedding day, or that your boss is a selfish fool, no matter how well you communicate. However, you can accept these things outside your control and let go of the desire to control them. Viewing them as experiences that help you grow and learn can also be a useful approach.

• Additionally, many stressful situations can be avoided. By preparing for important events and planning for unexpected situations, you may not face as much stress later. It's better to be prepared than to deal with problems afterward.

• If you find yourself repeatedly failing to meet the unrealistic expectations of others, check out How to Stop Being a People Pleaser.

• Be patient and kind to yourself as you work through the plan. Remember, maturity is a difficult process that can’t be achieved overnight. If you face setbacks or challenges (which is likely to happen at some point), view them as hurdles for learning new ways to tackle situations, not as "failures."

• Remind yourself that you can't control the outcome, but you can control your actions. You might stress over what your professor will think about your essay to the point where you can't even write it. Remember that you can control what you do: you can put all your effort into writing the best essay you can. The rest is beyond your control.
• Recognize that "perfectionism" is an unrealistic standard. No one can achieve perfection, and our perception of what "perfection" means varies widely. Instead, aim for the best version of yourself and avoid judging yourself based on results. For instance, a perfectionist might see a B+ on an essay as a "failure" because it's not a perfect score. However, someone striving for their personal best might change this view: they know they did their best, and they take pride in their effort, regardless of the grade.
• Be cautious with the word "should." These sneaky thoughts can prompt you to beat yourself up over things beyond your control. For example, you might think, "A good student should never make mistakes." But that’s an unrealistic standard that no one can live up to. Instead, try using the word "can": "I can do my best and value my effort, even if I make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes in life."

• Dry grape meditation. It might sound a little odd, but this exercise can help you slow down and focus on the present moment. When you hold a dry grape in your hand, pay close attention to the sensations you're experiencing. Acknowledge them. Spend 5 minutes doing this daily.
  • Start by holding a dry grape between your fingers. Rotate it, paying attention to its texture, the ridges and bumps. Mentally note your sensations of the grape.
  • Look at the grape. Take your time to truly observe it, as if you're an explorer from another world experiencing it for the first time. Notice the color, shape, and texture.
  • Smell it. Bring the grape close to your nose and take a deep breath. Enjoy the aroma as you inhale. Try to describe it. You might even realize that certain grapes smell different from others!
  • Place the grape on your tongue. Pay attention to the feeling on your tongue. Can you sense its weight? Can you move it around your mouth and notice the sensations as it touches different areas?
  • Taste the grape by biting a small piece. Notice how your mouth moves when chewing. Try to figure out which muscles you're using to chew. Pay attention to the structure and flavor of the grape as you chew.
  • Swallow. Try to track the grape as you swallow it. What muscles are you using? What does it feel like?
• Rest with self-love. We can often be surrounded by so much stress that we end up judging ourselves for it. Taking 5 minutes to rest with self-love can help you focus more when you're being hard on yourself.
  • Think about the stressful events. Notice any sensations of stress in your body or any emotions you're feeling.
  • Repeat to yourself, 'This is a moment of suffering' or 'This is stress.' Acknowledging this without judgment helps you become more mindful of what you're going through.
  • Now, repeat, 'Stress is a part of life' or 'Everyone goes through tough times.' This helps you recognize your common humanity. You're not weak or 'bad' for going through these things.
  • Place your hand on your heart or wrap your arms around yourself in a self-hug. Repeat to yourself, 'I can be kind to myself' or 'I can be patient.' Say whatever resonates with your situation, but make sure it's a positive affirmation.
• The Greater Good Science Center at Berkeley, USA, offers many evidence-based exercises that you can practice on their website.

• Recognize what's happening. Pay attention and acknowledge what is going on right now, in the present moment, consciously. This means accepting both positive and negative thoughts or feelings. For example, "Right now, I feel very angry and stressed."
• Allow yourself to experience it naturally. This means recognizing what's going on in your mind and heart without judgment. It's easy to judge ourselves for what may seem like "negative" feelings or reactions, or to try to suppress or avoid them. Instead, pay attention to them and accept them as part of your experience. For example, "I'm very angry with my wife, but I also feel ashamed for yelling at her."
• Investigate with kindness. This important part involves showing love and care for yourself as you explore the present moment. Ask yourself what thoughts and feelings reflect your beliefs and needs in this moment. For example, if you're angry with your wife and regret yelling at her, you might direct harsh criticism toward yourself: "I'm so bad for yelling at her. She really made me angry." Instead, try approaching both yourself and her with kindness: "I yelled at her, and I regret this because I love her. I was wrong, and I admit that. She said things that made me angry, but I know she loves me. We can work through this together."
• Nurture a natural awareness by not personalizing what you're going through. This means freeing yourself from the tendency to generalize your identity based on one experience, like saying, "I'm terrible" or "I'm a failure." Your emotions are part of your experience, but they do not define you. Allow yourself to acknowledge that you can have negative experiences or feelings without letting them determine who you are.

• Start by finding a quiet space free from distractions. Avoid places with TV, computers, or phones. If possible, dedicate at least 15 minutes to meditate (though 30 minutes is even better).
• Close your eyes and breathe deeply and evenly. Begin by focusing solely on your breath. You can gradually expand your focus to include other sensations.
• Notice your feelings without judgment. Acknowledge your thoughts as just thoughts, even if they seem negative to you: "I'm thinking right now, and it's pretty heavy." Accept your thoughts as they are without trying to change or deny them.
• If you find yourself distracted, gently bring your attention back to your breath.
• You can also find free guided meditation resources online. MIT and the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center offer MP3 guided meditations. You can also explore apps like Calm that offer guidance.

• "I can do this."
• "I can do my best. That's all I can do. And that's enough."
• "I am stronger than my problems."
• "My mistakes do not define who I am."
• "I am human. Everyone makes mistakes."
• "This is only temporary and will pass."
• "I can ask for help when needed."

• Avoid giving in to the urge to lash out or yell when stressed, especially if you're angry. Expressing anger through shouting, violent behavior, or even smashing or punching objects can make your anger worse. Try less harmful alternatives, such as squeezing a stress ball or doodling.
• On the other hand, swearing can actually help you feel better in stressful or painful situations. Just be mindful of where you do this: clearly, swearing in front of your boss or cursing at your children can hurt not only you but others as well.
• If you need to, cry. Sometimes, all you need is a good cry. Allowing yourself to cry can genuinely help you feel better. Just be sure to repeat positive affirmations to stay calm during tears, and allow yourself to feel your emotions fully.
• Listen to calming music. A British sound therapy institute created a list of the “most relaxing” songs in the world. Listening to soothing music during stressful times can help calm your mind.
• Take a warm bath. The warmth has been proven to have a relaxing effect on many people.

• Stress about the future often stems from fear, while stress about current situations usually comes from a sense of helplessness.
• Pamper yourself. Sometimes, soaking in a bath and listening to music can make you feel better.
• Write your thoughts and worries down in a journal. This can help you process them privately and effectively, clearing your mind and chest.
• If you feel like you're about to snap at someone for causing you "extreme stress," close your eyes, breathe, and count to 10.
• Take a short nap. This can help you make clearer decisions, and you'll feel refreshed and more reasonable afterward.
• You can talk to someone about your stress, but if no one is around, write down what is causing your stress, such as a meeting you have to attend, and add it to your journal!
• Make a list of steps. Everyone is different, so create a personalized plan that works for you.
• Distract yourself by playing phone games or watching TV.

• Don’t blame yourself for everything. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, problems just can’t be solved. Letting go of a goal isn’t always bad, but giving up on yourself and starting to mistreat yourself is quite harmful.
• Overreacting to stress or feeling helpless in the face of it can shorten your life. The truth is, not everything can be fixed, but nothing will change if you sit idly by and waste time. Simply putting in the effort is an achievement in itself.
• Having a habit of smashing things when angry can turn you into an aggressive person. It's better to redirect your anger rather than taking it out on objects or others. Never hit a person or any living being, and make sure that anything you break doesn’t cause harm to you.
• Don't resort to drugs. Alcohol and drugs might provide temporary relief, but your problems remain until you face reality. Plus, do you want to end up addicted? You might not care, but it will affect your loved ones as well as you.