How to Stay Calm When Your Parents Are Yelling at You

Being yelled at by your parents can be intimidating, terrifying, or simply frustrating. Whether or not you've done something to provoke their anger, it's important to listen to what they have to say, remain calm so you don't argue back, and respond in a way that can stop the yelling before it escalates. The following steps will guide you in handling their scolding appropriately.

Understand that the yelling won't last forever. Even though it might feel like you're being scolded for hours, a quick glance at the clock will remind you that very few parents can keep it up for that long. By reacting appropriately, the scolding will soon come to an end.

• This will encourage you to realize that you are strong enough to endure the shouting.

Remain silent, avoid crying, or complaining during the entire process. Maintain silence. Even if you speak politely, your parents will still perceive it as defiance, rudeness, or disrespect.

Breathing. Try focusing on your body's sensations while being scolded. You might feel tense or hurt. In this case, deep, controlled breathing can help you calm down and relax.

• Inhale for at least four counts and exhale as slowly as possible. Make sure the air you inhale fills your stomach, making it expand.

Allow yourself to be indifferent for a moment. Sometimes, distancing yourself from harsh treatment can be a good way to ensure you don't overly personalize being scolded. This is important because, when parents are dealing with multiple challenges in their lives, they can get frustrated over small issues. It's not your fault.

• The best way to remain indifferent while still listening is to focus on your parents' face. Observe each detail and the tension in their facial muscles as they scold you.
• Instead of trying to rationalize what your parents are saying, you should focus on the frustration and annoyance they are experiencing.
• This way, you'll remember that even though you're the one being reprimanded, your parents are also going through a difficult time. As mentioned earlier, their actions might stem from stress unrelated to you.

Do something kind for your parents. For example, offer them a glass of water while they're scolding you, saying "I hope you don't lose your voice" without sounding sarcastic or disrespectful. This approach, especially if you're not the one at fault, can make them feel regretful and realize their actions are unjust.

Keep listening. Ensure you're not completely ignoring them; otherwise, you won't understand why your parents are upset. If your parents stop speaking long enough for you to interject, you can restate or repeat what they've said to show you're listening. Another benefit of this is that your parents will get the chance to hear back what they've said during their scolding.

• Send signals to your parents that you're listening, such as nodding, raising your eyebrows, or saying "I understand what you mean".
• Pay attention to the words they use, which might hint at the reasons behind their disappointment. If they're scolding you over a specific incident, focus on the details they keep mentioning. If it's a series of repeated moments, try to find the common thread.

Think before responding. This involves stopping yourself from yelling back, throwing objects, or slamming the door. Remember that your intense reaction will only escalate the tension and cause the scolding to continue, possibly even getting worse. Your aggressive response will make them feel misunderstood, which will lead to more shouting in the future.

• Sometimes, parents can interpret even the smallest signs of disagreement as aggression (e.g., rolling your eyes, sarcastic expressions, or a mocking smile). Be mindful of this.
• Think about past reactions that your parents did not appreciate. Even if you feel the urge to argue because they made you feel uncomfortable or small, you should not act in a way that will only make them angrier.

If the scolding becomes excessive, consider leaving the room. If the criticism continues to a point where you can no longer respond calmly, it's best to find a way to step away. Ask if you can discuss the matter later and briefly explain that the scolding is preventing you from thinking clearly. Avoid saying anything that could sound like an accusation, such as "Your scolding is driving me crazy."

• Instead, say, "I want to clear this up, but I'm too confused right now to speak calmly. I need to go to my room and think about it."
• Leaving the room might be difficult since many parents view it as disrespectful. You should try to explain clearly that you still want to address the issue later.
• Avoid suggesting that your parents calm down, as this could be seen as rude.

Don't apologize if you're not at fault. Stand your ground. Apologizing when you haven't done anything wrong is unfair to yourself. If you know you're not at fault but still feel regret for causing your parent anger, in most cases, you can say, "Dad/Mom, I'm sorry for upsetting you, and I hope you'll feel better soon."

• Plan to channel any leftover anger into a positive activity when possible. For example, you could clean your room or take a jog around the neighborhood.

Respond. When responding to your parents, keep your answers brief, polite, and in a tone that matches the situation. Avoid letting any sarcasm or anger slip through your voice, as your parents may interpret it as defiance or negative aggression. Also, refrain from trying to explain or justify what happened while they are scolding you. You can do that once you have calmed down.

• Instead, try using simple affirmations like "I understand" or "I get it".
• If you don't agree or fully understand what your parents are saying, that's okay. You can discuss it later when everyone is calm enough to express their opinions politely.

Accept your parents' feelings. You should always let your parents know if something is bothering you, even if you are not at fault. Avoid arguing about what has upset them. Recognizing your parents' emotions does not necessarily mean you agree with them, it simply shows you understand their feelings.

• Apologize if you're the one at fault. Be sincere. If you've made a mistake, showing genuine remorse is essential.

Seek compromise. You can ask your parents what you can do to improve the situation. However, if you are in the right, stand your ground. You might quickly offer solutions that can help ease their frustration, which can prevent further outbursts.

• The more issues you can resolve, the better. If you have thoughts you believe your parents may never understand, write them down! This will help clear any lingering anger and prevent you from unknowingly taking it out on your parents later.

Talk about your feelings. Once both you and your parents have calmed down a bit, try to express the situation from your perspective. In a clear and respectful tone, explain why you acted in a way that caused them to scold you. The sooner you communicate your thoughts and feelings after the incident, the quicker your parents will understand and forgive you.

• Do not attempt to convince your parents that you are right—this will only add fuel to the fire. Especially if your actions lack clear evidence, show your parents how your understanding of the issue has evolved since the incident.
• You can also use this moment to let your parents know how distressing it is for you when they scold you. Share how you feel, and explain that being yelled at makes you feel disconnected from them. If the scolding has deeply hurt you, you can politely but firmly ask for a sincere apology from your parents.

Seek help if the situation turns dangerous. Are your parents unable to calm down? Have they previously struggled with anger management or domestic violence issues? If the shouting seems likely to escalate into physical abuse, contact emergency services. If the danger is imminent, call 113.

• In Vietnam, the Miracle Key Hotline 19001567, provided by the Ministry of Labor, Invalids, and Social Affairs, offers assistance to children and women who are victims of violence. It will provide the necessary support you need.

• Consider talking to a counselor if your parents frequently scold you. Constant criticism can be harmful and may even lead to depression in children.
• Try to keep a positive outlook. Reflect on other aspects of your parents' lives that may contribute to their frustration. Help relieve some of their stress and understand that you aren't the cause of their anger.
• Focus on forgiveness. Relationships can improve when both parents and children are willing to resolve issues quickly and move on.
• Don't be so stubborn that you refuse to compromise or give in to your parents' requests. Sometimes, compromising can be better than arguing, which may only worsen the situation.