How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser

If you tend to please others, you probably put their needs before your own. You may desire approval or were taught from a young age to always live for others. It will take time to adjust, but start by saying 'no' to some requests instead of agreeing to everything. Set boundaries, express your opinions, and most importantly, take time for self-care.

Understand that you have the right to choose. If someone asks or instructs you to do something, you can accept, decline, or consider it. You do not have to say 'yes,' even if you feel you should. When asked to do something, pause and remember that you have the right to make your own decision.

• For example, if asked to stay late at the office to work on a project, remind yourself 'I have the choice to either agree and stay or decline and go home.'

Learn to say 'no'. If you tend to agree even when you don't feel like it, or when the situation causes stress, start practicing saying 'no'. It may require some practice, but it's important to let others know when you're unable to do what they ask. There's no need to make excuses or justify your decision. A simple 'no' or 'no, thank you' is enough.

• Start small by identifying situations where you can say 'no' with confidence. For instance, if you're exhausted and your spouse asks you to walk the dog, say 'No, you walk the dog today.'
• You can also enlist a friend to help you practice saying 'no'. Have them ask you to do certain things, and respond with 'no' to each request. Notice how you feel each time you decline.

Be assertive and empathetic. If saying 'no' feels too cold, show empathy but remain firm. Acknowledge their needs while being clear that you're unable to assist.

• For example, you might say 'I understand how much you'd love to have that beautiful birthday cake for the party, and it means a lot to you. I wish I could help, but right now, I can't.'

Take time to reflect on the request you're being asked to fulfill. Your boundaries will be based on values that are important to you. They help you determine what you're comfortable doing and what you're not. You don't need to provide an immediate response when asked to do something. Instead, say 'Let me think about it' and get back to them. This gives you time to reflect, ask yourself if you're feeling pressured, and consider any potential conflicts.

• If they need an immediate answer, politely decline. Once you've agreed, you may feel stuck.
• Don't use this as an excuse to avoid saying 'no'. If you need to, say 'no' right away without making the other person wait.
• If you're unsure of your boundaries, take some time to reflect on your values and rights. These boundaries may include physical, emotional, spiritual, material, or mental limits.

Set priorities. You can use your priorities to decide what to accept and what to decline. If you're unsure about a decision, choose what you feel is more important and why. If you're still uncertain, list your needs (or options) and rank them, with the most important item at the top.

• For example, taking care of your sick dog may be more important than attending a friend's party.

Express your desires. There's nothing wrong with stating your opinions, and this doesn't mean you're demanding. Reminding others that you have your own wants is a significant step. If you've always gone along with others' preferences instead of voicing your own likes and dislikes, it's time to speak up for yourself.

• For example, if your friends want to eat Italian food but you prefer Korean cuisine, next time, let them know you'd rather have Korean food.
• Even if you decide to go along with something, still express your preferences. For instance, 'I'd rather watch a different movie, but this one is fine too.'
• Avoid being confrontational. Voice your needs without showing anger or criticism. Aim to stay assertive, calm, firm, and polite.

Set a deadline. When you agree to help someone, establish a time limit. There's no need to justify your boundaries or come up with excuses for leaving. Just set the limits and don't say more.

• For example, if someone asks for help moving, you can say, 'I can help you between 12 PM and 3 PM.'

Compromise when making decisions. Compromise is a practical way to express your views, manage situations within your limits, and reach a mutual agreement. Listen to the other person's desires, then express yours, and finally come to a consensus that satisfies both sides.

• For example, if your friend wants to go shopping but you'd prefer a picnic, compromise by doing one first and the other afterward.

Build self-esteem. Your value isn't determined by what others think of you or by their approval. Your worth comes from within, not from anyone else. Surround yourself with positive people and recognize moments when you feel inferior. Pay attention to the messages you tell yourself (such as believing you're unlikable or always failing), and stop beating yourself up over past mistakes.

• Learn from your mistakes and treat yourself like a close friend. Be kind, compassionate, and forgiving.
• Be mindful if you have a tendency to always please others. This can be a sign of low self-esteem.

Build healthy habits. Ignoring your own needs is a sign that you may not be treating yourself with the love you deserve. Taking care of your body and well-being is not selfish. If you tend to neglect yourself while taking care of others, make time every day to look after your health. Eat healthy meals, exercise regularly, and enjoy what makes you happy. Most importantly, ensure you get enough sleep each night and feel energized every day.

• Aim for 7.5 to 8.5 hours of sleep each night.
• When you care for yourself, you are better equipped to care for others.

Practice self-care. Looking after yourself will help you feel healthier and better equipped to handle stress. Spend time enjoying yourself with friends and family. Occasionally pamper yourself: get a massage, visit a spa, and indulge in relaxing pleasures.

• Engage in activities you love. Listen to music, keep a journal, volunteer, or take a walk every day.

Understand that you cannot please everyone. The only approval you need is your own, not anyone else's. No matter how hard you try, there will always be people who are difficult to please. You cannot change the thoughts or feelings of others to make them like you or agree with you. That is out of your control.

• If you're trying to win the approval of a friend group or trying to show your grandmother how great you are, it may not always work.

Seek professional help. Overcoming the habit of people-pleasing is no easy task. If you've tried to make changes but feel stuck or things are getting worse, it may be time to see a therapist. They can help you develop new behaviors and stand up for yourself.

• Find a therapist by contacting your insurance company or mental health providers. You can also ask friends or doctors for recommendations.