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While kindness is a wonderful trait, it's possible to go too far. The truth is, becoming more assertive is actually beneficial for your mental health, as it can lower stress and anxiety. You'll feel more confident and content when you focus on your own needs rather than constantly trying to please others. It's completely possible to be a good person while setting boundaries and speaking up for yourself.
Steps
Putting Yourself First
Give yourself permission to put yourself first. It can be tough to prioritize yourself, so take it slow if it doesn't feel natural at first. The good news is that focusing on your own well-being actually benefits you! It can reduce stress, which has many positive effects on both your mental and physical health. Give yourself permission to meet your own needs, even if it feels challenging at times.
- One helpful tip is to give yourself a positive reminder. Tell yourself, “It’s important to care for myself. I deserve to take this time.” You can say this out loud or simply think it to yourself.
Set clear boundaries and stick to them. If you're constantly doing things for others, you won't have the energy or time to focus on your own needs. It’s perfectly fine to establish healthy limits with those around you, including family, friends, and coworkers. Communicate your boundaries calmly and clearly to ensure everyone understands. Remind yourself that setting boundaries isn’t being mean—it’s actually healthy!
- For example, if a friend is going through a tough time and relying too much on you, it’s still okay to support them while putting your needs first. You might say, “I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you lately, but I’m falling behind on other tasks. From now on, I can only hang out once a week.”
- If you’re talking to your boss, you could say, “I’m fully dedicated to the success of this project, but I won’t be able to respond to emails after 7 p.m.”
Stop engaging with people who don’t respect your boundaries. Some people may push back when you start asserting your limits. If they don’t understand, calmly explain that you are prioritizing your well-being. If that doesn’t work, you may need to reduce your interactions with them. This is especially challenging with close family or professional relationships, but it's essential to be kind to yourself.
- It can be especially hard with family or colleagues. If you can't cut ties, continue asserting yourself. With time, they may start to understand.
Silence your inner critic with positive affirmations. As you stop being overly nice to others, make sure you’re still kind to yourself. Focus on your strengths and stop criticizing yourself. When negative thoughts arise, acknowledge them but don’t dwell on them—let them go and replace them with something positive. While it may be difficult at first, with practice, it will become a habit.
- If you catch yourself thinking, "Maybe I was too harsh on Charlie," replace it with, "I’m doing great at maintaining my boundaries."
Becoming More Assertive
Practice what you want to say to boost your confidence. If you’re not clear about your opinions, people may take advantage of your kindness. To avoid this, take time to decide what you want to say. Practice your words out loud to yourself in typical situations. You can also write down key points on a notecard in case you get nervous during the conversation.
- For example, if your partner always chooses your weekend activities, try practicing saying, “This time, I’d like to pick the movie, and I have a new restaurant I want to try.” This will help you be more assertive and advocate for yourself.
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Which technique for being assertive works best for you?
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Use "I" statements to communicate clearly. When expressing yourself, make sure to include the word “I” to avoid sounding accusatory. This helps convey your message without making the other person feel blamed. You can still express your needs in a way that remains respectful.
- Instead of saying, “You never help with the dishes,” try, “I feel like I’ve been doing the dishes every night. It would be great if you could take a turn this week.”
Maintain good posture and use your facial expressions to reinforce your point. Effective assertiveness is not just about what you say, but also how you present yourself. Stand tall to project confidence and use eye contact to emphasize your words. A nod can help underline your message.
- Feel free to smile if the situation allows, but if you’re frustrated, it’s okay not to smile.
Practice slow breathing to stay composed. Being assertive can be intimidating if you’re not accustomed to it. Before expressing yourself, take a deep breath in and exhale slowly. This simple act can help you feel calmer and more centered.
- If you have time before a challenging conversation, use it to practice deep breathing to calm your nerves.
Agree to disagree when needed. Assertiveness involves standing up for yourself, but it doesn’t always mean you need to win every argument. If a discussion doesn’t require immediate resolution, it’s okay to simply agree to disagree.
- For instance, if you and your partner can’t decide on a TV show, share your preference but avoid letting it escalate into an argument.
- If it’s something truly important (like a decision about health or living arrangements), stand firm on your position, but remain respectful.
Be kind to yourself. Changing the way you communicate can be challenging. If you're feeling nervous or finding it hard to speak up, that's perfectly fine. Allow yourself to feel that way and recognize that personal growth takes time.
- Tell yourself, “I’m doing my best, and I know with time, I’ll improve.”
Learning to Say "No" When It's Necessary
Keep it short and clear to avoid misunderstandings. When you need to say no, express it firmly and clearly. While it might feel tempting to apologize, resist the urge. Remind yourself that there’s nothing wrong with saying no. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Being direct and clear helps the other person understand your position, which is helpful for both of you.
- You could say, “I can’t assist you with that right now” or “I’m sorry, I can’t make it this evening.”
- If you'd like to help but can’t commit fully, you might say, “I’d love to assist, but I can’t commit to hours. How about I come for just an hour?”
- If it’s possible, offer an alternative: “I’m unable to attend your party this weekend, but how about we meet for coffee next week?”
Consider a compromise when appropriate. If you want to agree but don’t have the time or resources to fully commit, offer a compromise. Just make sure you're only doing this if you're genuinely willing to say yes, even if it's not your first choice.
Provide a brief explanation if needed. While it’s perfectly fine to just say no, there may be situations where you feel comfortable offering a short explanation. If you do, keep it simple and concise.
- For example, you can say, “No, I’ll be out of town,” or “No, my schedule is packed.” You don’t need to give all the details to make your point clear.
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What strategy do you find most effective when you need to say "no"?
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Learn to say 'no' to your children's demands without feeling bad about it. It’s actually beneficial for children to hear 'no' now and then. After all, they’ll encounter it in other areas of life as they grow. While it can feel tough, it’s important to set limits and refuse unreasonable requests. It's part of healthy boundaries.
- For example, you could say, 'No, you can't have a snack right now because dinner is almost ready,' or simply use the classic, 'Because I said so.'
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Consider keeping a journal to track your development. It’s a wonderful way to reflect on your feelings as you adjust and grow.
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Remember, it's perfectly okay to be kind in the process!
