Buzz
Everyone dreads being seen as the overly clingy friend. Yet, at some point, we've all been there. Whether it’s the fear of drifting apart or worrying that the other person might not care as much, it’s easy to slip into the habit of trying to hold on to a friendship with more intensity than necessary. This can unintentionally make the other person feel trapped. If you think you might be coming across as clingy, take a step back from the friendship, assess if your actions are too much, and work on building your own confidence to feel less dependent on the relationship.
Actions to Take
How to Be Less Clingy in Friendships
Show Kindness to Your Friends' Other Friends. It’s common to feel a little jealous of your friend's other friends. But if you meet one of them—say, at a social gathering—be friendly and welcoming. Don’t make accusations or assume they’re trying to take your place. Who knows, you might even hit it off and form a new connection! Plus, seeing your friend with a strong support network should make you feel proud, not threatened.
- It can be tough, but try to feel happy that your friend has a diverse group of people to lean on. If you care about them, this is a sign of a healthy support system.
- Avoid comments like, “Oh, you’re Ella’s friend? Well, you’ll never be as close to them as I am, so don’t bother trying.”
- Instead, greet them with a simple, "Hey Pixie, I’m Daisy. Nice to meet you!".
Understand that you might not be their “best friend.” Just because you see someone as your best friend doesn’t mean they share the same view. It can sting a little, but you can't force someone to feel the same way. Friendships, like any relationship, have their ups and downs. There may be times when they lean on you more, and other times when you lean on them less.
- The sooner you realize that you can’t control other people’s feelings, the sooner you can relax. Once you’re more at ease, others will be drawn to you for your laid-back nature and admire your ability to adapt.
Reduce the frequency of your contact with them. This doesn’t mean cutting them off or ignoring them. It simply means that if you’ve been reaching out a lot, following them everywhere, or commenting on their posts nonstop, it might be time to ease up a bit. Let them come to you when they’re ready. If they’re truly your friend, they’ll get in touch.
- When they do reach out, don’t act like they’ve done something wrong. Remember, this is the space you wanted, so embrace it positively.
- If you’re tempted to check their social media, it’s fine, but be prepared to see them with other people. If that triggers jealousy, resist commenting something clingy, like, “Looks like you’re having a blast without me! :(”
Give your friends room to breathe. Different people need different amounts of personal space. Just because they don’t want to hang out with you constantly doesn’t mean they care about you any less. If you feel like you’ve been a little too clingy, it might be time to pull back a little.
- If you’ve been showing up at their house every day, take a break. Wait until they invite you or ask where you've been. When they do ask, be honest and tell them you wanted to give them space but are happy to come over whenever they’d like.
- For example, you could say, “I thought I might be visiting too often, and I realize you need your own space. I’d love to hang out whenever you're up for it though!”
Be specific when making plans. When you do reach out, try to be clear about what you want to do. Don’t just say, “Let’s hang out.” Instead, suggest a specific activity you think they’d enjoy.
- For example, you could say, “Hey! There’s a concert on Saturday I’m going to—wanna join me?” This shows that you’re happy to go alone but would love their company.
Don’t get upset if they decline. It’s normal to feel hurt when you're feeling clingy, and they turn you down. If they give a reason, try to accept it without questioning their honesty. If they don’t provide a reason, don’t assume it’s because they don’t want to hang out with you. Getting upset will only make them uncomfortable and put pressure on them to always say ‘yes’ just to avoid conflict.
- If you feel frustrated, find a way to release it once they’ve gone—maybe by going for a jog or journaling. If you still need to talk about it, consider doing so, but realize it might not make you appear less clingy.
- For example, instead of saying, “I know you’re making excuses and don’t want to hang out with me. You’re being a bad friend,” try saying, “Oh, okay. No worries. Maybe next time!”
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Let the friendship go. If you've been getting too attached to a friend who seems to be pulling away, it might be time to consider letting go. Friendships can fade, and sometimes it’s healthier for both sides to part ways and allow space for new relationships.
- This doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them about the change, but keep in mind that they may not be fully honest, especially if they’re trying to avoid hurting you. If you've been close friends for a long time, it might be worth addressing the change in behavior.
- For example, you could say, “It feels like we’ve been drifting apart lately. Is everything okay?”
Seek friends who truly appreciate you. It might be that your current circle of friends isn’t valuing you the way you deserve. Though difficult, it could be for the best if you start seeking new friends who genuinely care about you and your well-being.
- When you find people who truly value you, you’ll feel a lot happier, even if it means spending time with those who aren’t as “popular.”
Identifying If You Are Being Clingy
Consider how often you need your friend around. Are you constantly asking your friend to hang out? Do you try to make plans every day when you have free time? If so, you might be crossing into clingy territory. Remember, everyone needs some time alone to recharge.
- Spending time alone can feel odd if you’re used to being surrounded by others. Try something simple like reading a book or watching a show to enjoy your own company.
Assess if you’re the one making all the plans. Does your friend reach out as much as you do, or are you always the one initiating plans and suggesting things to do? If you find yourself always doing the legwork, you may be coming across as a bit clingy.
- If this sounds like you, try stepping back a little and see if your friend takes the lead for a change.
Monitor how frequently you reach out to your friend. You don’t need to keep an exact count of every call or text, but it's important to be mindful of how often you contact them versus how often they reach out to you.
- For instance, if you call your friend daily after school or flood them with texts throughout the evening, and they don't seem as eager to engage or are not replying promptly, you might be overdoing it.
Reflect on how often you feel excluded. Often, clinginess stems from insecurity in a relationship. When we feel unsure, we may become overly reactive or paranoid. Do you often worry that your friends are making plans without you?
- If you frequently feel anxious about this, it might be a sign that you’re being a bit clingy. Try reminding yourself that it’s okay not to be included in every activity. It’s actually healthy to occasionally focus on your own things too.
Building Your Own Confidence
Talk to someone about your feelings of insecurity. Discussing your insecurities can often be more helpful than you realize. If you feel like you’re struggling with clinginess, speaking with a counselor might be beneficial. Most schools have counselors available who are specifically trained to help with concerns like these. A professional perspective can often be more neutral and objective than advice from friends or family.
- If speaking with a counselor is not an option, consider reaching out to a parent or trusted adult. Share your feelings and tell them you’re worried about being too clingy with your friends. They likely have valuable advice from their own experiences.
Stay engaged with your family and responsibilities. It’s important to remember that friends, though essential, are not the only part of your life. Don’t neglect your other commitments, whether at home, school, or work, just to be with friends all the time.
- Your family cares about you too. Make time to strengthen your relationships with siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. They’re the ones who’ll always have your back.
- Spending time with family can also boost your sense of security. Typically, your family knows you best and accepts you for who you are. Learning to have strong, secure relationships with your family will help you create the same with your friends.
Find hobbies that you can enjoy on your own. Along with taking care of your responsibilities and nurturing your family relationships, it's important to discover activities that you can do independently. Learning to enjoy your own company is a valuable skill. If you already have a hobby you enjoy, that’s great! If not, explore different activities that pique your curiosity to find something that suits you.
- Many hobbies can help you build confidence. For example, you might learn a new skill that you didn't know you had.
- If you're unsure where to start, allow yourself some downtime to simply be bored. Often, boredom sparks creativity and helps you discover something new that you might not have considered while socializing with friends.
Focus on building your self-confidence. While there are many subtle ways to boost your self-esteem, there are also direct actions you can take. The key to building confidence is becoming aware of any negative thoughts you have about yourself. When you notice yourself thinking harshly or angrily about who you are, acknowledge it and remind yourself that you no longer want to hold on to those thoughts.
- Remember to give yourself credit for your achievements, no matter how small. If you tell a funny joke that makes others laugh or do something kind for someone, take a moment to feel proud of your actions.
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Understand that your clinginess might stem from past experiences where you’ve felt uncertain about others’ feelings toward you. For example, perhaps family members have said things that left you questioning if they truly care. Know that this isn't your fault, but you can take charge of improving your relationships moving forward.
Things to Be Aware Of
- Avoid crossing the line into stalking. While clinginess might make you more attentive to your friend’s actions, there’s a significant difference between being a little clingy and stalking someone. If someone is truly your friend, you don't need to monitor every move they make. Remember that everyone deserves their personal space and privacy. If you ever find yourself questioning whether you're stalking someone, it’s likely a sign to take a step back and give them some room.
