How to Stop Clinging to the Past

Express Your Pain. There are many reasons for suffering in life. Perhaps you made a mistake, regret a decision, missed an opportunity, hurt someone, or were hurt by someone. Instead of dwelling on the past over and over, release it.

• Express yourself through journaling, talking with a trusted friend or family member, or confiding in a counselor.
• If your pain involves someone else, you can talk to them about your feelings or write them a letter. If you prefer not to contact them, you can still write a letter but never send it.
• Expressing your feelings about the past can also help you understand your true emotions regarding a particular situation.

Embrace Your Decisions. Whenever you make a decision, you are accepting one opportunity and turning down another. It's easy to sit and wonder, "What if?", but doing so only leads to disappointment. Fantasizing about other possibilities won't change what has already occurred. Rather than dwelling on what might have happened if you had made a different choice, focus on the present and what you can do now.

• Accept the past as it is; you may or may not feel proud of what has happened, but it is now part of your story.
• Tell yourself: "I made that decision in the past. At that time, I understood what I was doing. Looking back, things might have been better if I ____. However, I couldn't have predicted the outcome, but it will help me in the future if I encounter a similar situation."

Choose to Let Go of the Past. Once you have processed your pain, make the wise decision to release it. Although you can't change the past, you can choose not to cling to it and move forward. Letting go of the past means you are actively moving on, instead of staying trapped as a victim of past hurts.

• Tell yourself: "I accept myself and my past. I choose to rise above it." Or, "The past does not define who I am. I choose to move forward."
• Choosing to move on is a daily decision. You may need to remind yourself to keep progressing each morning until you truly overcome the past.

Reflect on What You've Learned. The past serves as a chance for growth and knowledge. The experiences you've had can help you better understand yourself, others, and life itself. Take a moment to think about both the positive and negative lessons you've learned, but focus more on the valuable ones.

• It’s normal to struggle at times when trying to identify something positive you've learned.
• It may be helpful to create a list of both positive and negative lessons learned.
• For example, a past failed relationship may have shown you qualities (such as being more patient, more loving, etc.) that you will look for in future partners.

Forgive Yourself. Everyone makes mistakes and has regrets. The past is the past—it’s not something happening now or guaranteed to affect your future. Who you are today matters more than who you were. The past does not define you. Forgiving yourself allows you to continue striving forward in life.

• Write a letter to yourself detailing what happened, what you might have done differently, what influenced your decisions at the time, and how you feel about yourself. Close the letter with forgiveness and appreciation for the person you've become.
• Tell yourself: "I forgive myself", "I love myself", and "I accept myself".

Forgive Others. Perhaps someone hurt you in the past, and that pain continues to resurface in your mind. While you can't change how they treated you, you can choose to forgive. Forgiveness means accepting what happened and choosing to release anger and pain, so you can move forward. Forgiveness comes from within you, not from the person who hurt you.

• Examine your role, if any, in the situation. Practice empathy and consider the perspective and motives of the other person. This might help you understand the situation better.
• You can only control yourself and your feelings. Choose to forgive someone. You can talk to them, write a letter, or write a letter and choose not to send it.
• Forgiveness is a process that doesn't happen overnight.

Avoid Negative Relationships. There are many negative people in life who prevent you from growing your potential and making progress. A person is considered negative if you feel threatened, bad, or ashamed around them, if you feel drained or disappointed after interacting with them, if you are negatively affected by their personal drama, or if you are constantly trying to help or fix them. It is important to choose to control or eliminate these relationships from your life.

• If you keep negative people in your life, make sure to set personal boundaries to protect yourself from their behavior.
• Let them know how their actions affect you by saying, "When you ___, I feel ____. I need ____. I share my feelings with you because _____."

Seek Professional Counseling. If you need help dealing with the past, a counselor or therapist can assist you in managing your emotions. A trained professional listens, helps you solve problems, and provides tools to live more positively. Find a licensed therapist who makes you feel comfortable and has experience handling such issues.

• If you have health insurance, contact your provider for a list of mental health professionals. You can also ask for a referral from your main insurance company.
• For example, in the U.S., if you don't have insurance, you can contact the Partnership for Prescription Assistance to find low-cost or free clinics near you.

Adjust Your Thoughts. Memories of the past will occasionally resurface. The harder you try not to think about the past, the more you'll think about it. Rather than fighting these thoughts, acknowledge and redirect them.

• Plan ahead for what you will say to yourself when these thoughts arise. If you start thinking about the past, what will you do?
• When past thoughts come up, tell yourself: "Alright. That was the past, but now I need to focus on _______".

Practice Mindfulness. Mindfulness helps you focus on the present and better manage your thoughts. The ability to direct your thoughts as needed will assist in saying goodbye to the past. Practice mindfulness exercises whenever you find yourself clinging to past thoughts.

• Focusing on your breath is one of the most common mindfulness exercises. Pay attention to the sensations in your body as you inhale and exhale. How does the air move through your nostrils? What about your lungs? Notice how your chest rises.
• Commit to practicing mindfulness daily. Regular practice can improve your mood and reduce negative thoughts.

Set Time Limits for Ruminating on the Past. If you're unable to stop thinking about the past, try limiting the time you spend on it. Pick a specific time frame (like 10 minutes, 20 minutes, or 30 minutes) and a time of day when you’ll allow yourself to reflect on the past. Choose a moment when you usually feel at ease.

• For example, allow yourself to think about the past from 5:00 pm to 5:20 pm every evening.
• If thoughts about the past come up outside this time, tell yourself it’s not the moment for them, and you’ll address them later.

Challenge Your Thoughts About the Past. When you're stuck in the past, you may have an unrealistic and distorted view of what actually happened (such as "It's all my fault," "I'm a bad person," etc.). You might begin to accept these thoughts as truth. If you start challenging these thoughts as they arise, you can develop a more objective perspective. Ask yourself:

• Is there a more positive way to view the situation?
• Is there any evidence proving these thoughts are right? Or that they’re wrong?
• What would I say to a friend in this situation?
• Are these thoughts helpful?
• Does holding on to the past help or harm me?
• Instead of saying, "This is too difficult," say "I can try to manage it," or "Let me approach this from a different angle."

Distract Yourself. When you actively engage in something you enjoy, you won’t focus on the past. Fill your life with more activities and people to help you say goodbye to the past. Try a new hobby (like painting, crafting, sports, acting, etc.), spend time with family and friends, read a book, or watch a movie. Do whatever activities make you feel great.

• Incorporate fun activities into your daily life.
• Activities that require your full attention (like cooking, doing crossword puzzles) or force you to focus on something beyond yourself (like caring for pets, babysitting, etc.) are especially effective for shifting your focus.

Exercise. Physical exercise releases endorphins (hormones that make you feel good) and stimulates the nervous system. Aim to exercise for about 30 minutes or more every day. Exercises involving your arms and legs (such as walking, running, swimming, dancing, etc.) are the most beneficial.

• Focus on your body and how it moves as you exercise.
• Listen to your favorite music while working out.
• Try going outside to play with friends and see it as a social activity.

Eliminate Triggers in Your Life. You may notice that certain things cause you to dwell on the past. Listening to a particular song, visiting certain places, or watching specific movie genres can remind you of the past. Changing these behaviors can help you move forward.

• For instance, if sad or slow music makes you think of the past, switch it up and listen to a different genre.
• If you find yourself obsessing over the past before bed, change your routine by reading a book or journaling before going to sleep.
• These changes may or may not be permanent. You may find that you can do these things again once you stop thinking so much about the past.

Make Plans for the Future. By focusing on the future, you won’t have time to dwell on the past. Create a list of things you are grateful for, things you’re looking forward to, and things you want to achieve. Include both planned events and new goals.

• Your future plans don’t need to be extravagant. They can be as simple as having dinner with a friend next week.
• When making future plans, write down everything you’ll need to achieve those goals.
• Focus on your strengths and the qualities you like about yourself.

• Learning to let go is a process that takes time. There will be setbacks, but keep trying.