How to Stop Controlling Everything

If you find yourself constantly worrying that you’re over-controlling things, it’s likely because you expect people and situations in your life to conform to a specific standard. You may feel frustrated when someone important, a friend, or a colleague doesn’t act exactly as you want, or when a meeting, party, or even a random Sunday afternoon doesn’t unfold exactly as planned. If you feel compelled to manage every little detail to ensure everything goes perfectly and according to your wishes, it’s time to relax, take a step back, and accept that you can’t control everything. Once you embrace this mindset, you’ll find that letting go and not trying to control every situation feels far better than constantly involving yourself in everything. See Step 1 for how to become someone who is less controlling.

Stop being a perfectionist. One reason you may be trying to control everything is that you want everything to be flawless. You might avoid having people over if your house isn’t perfectly clean, or spend hours rereading a report looking for a typo, even if you can’t find any errors. In the end, this behavior doesn’t help anyone—not you or anyone else. In fact, it only harms you and pulls you away from your own life. Remember, striving for perfection is itself an imperfection; the sooner you let go of the need to be perfect, the sooner you can live your life without overanalyzing everything.

• Consider this: if you're worried about people visiting because your house isn't perfect, they'll mostly think you just don’t want visitors, not that a pillow is slightly out of place.
• Perfectionism holds people back. While it may seem like a good thing overall, it has negative consequences. Reviewing a report once to check for typos is a responsible task, but reading it two or three times is a waste of time.

Work on your self-esteem. People who tend to over-control everything should focus on their self-esteem because the root of the issue lies there. You might feel the need to control friendships or relationships because you believe others won’t like you or spend time with you if you don’t direct them on every little thing they should do. You may feel that you have no worth, and if you let people think for themselves, they will realize they don’t like you. It’s time to stop thinking like that and realize you’re amazing and valuable. All you need to do is relax a bit.

• Talking to a therapist or a close friend about your self-esteem issues, anxieties, or any underlying causes for your controlling behavior could be incredibly helpful. You might uncover the root cause that drives you to be too controlling.

Try to control your anxiety. Another reason you might become controlling is due to excessive anxiety, constantly fearing the worst-case scenarios or being afraid of facing things you don’t even fully understand. If this is the case, you need to relax and realize that facing the unknown is not the end of the world. Think about all the possibilities in a given situation—not just the worst outcomes—and you’ll gradually begin to feel better.

• Of course, it takes time to manage your anxiety. Practices like yoga, meditation, cutting down on coffee, and spending time identifying the root causes of your anxiety can help improve your situation.

Stop thinking you always have to be right. People who are overly controlling often obsess over proving that their ideas are the best solution to a problem or that their views on things are absolutely right. If you want to stop being controlling, you have to learn to allow others the space to be right sometimes and not think that not knowing the answer or if someone has more experience or knowledge on a topic is a bad thing.

• Think about this: what’s the worst that can happen if you don’t know the answer to something? This happens all the time to everyone. You may think people will judge you or think you’re incompetent, but this is rarely the case. In fact, they will think you’re wrong if you never admit when you are.
• Another way to stop thinking you’re always right is to be willing to be vulnerable. No one will tell you this is a pleasant feeling, but this is the way to trust others and show that you, too, are only human. You want people to interact with you, don’t you?

Learn to accept. If you want to stop controlling, you have to learn to accept things as they are. While it’s good to look at things from a perspective of improvement and progress, there’s also a way to manage details and make small changes until things are exactly how you want them. Accept the general nature of things at work, at home, and in your relationships.

• Of course, improvements come from people who can see the need for change and strive to implement it. But this doesn’t mean you have to be the hero. What we need from you is to remain calm with everything happening around you rather than constantly trying to “fix” non-existent problems.

Realize that not controlling can be effective. You might think that meticulously planning every detail or organizing your wedding perfectly down to the last detail will make you feel confident, or even great about yourself. And certainly, there’s always motivation to completely control a situation. But do you know how you’ll feel afterward? Exhausted. Stressed. Like you can’t pick yourself up. Instead, let others help, or empower them—this might be the best outcome for you.

• Rather than putting pressure on yourself, learn to enjoy working with others to achieve a common goal—or even let them do a little more work than you while you take a break.
• Start smart. You don’t have to take on all the responsibility for a major project at work as if it’s solely your job. Instead, let a colleague pick the lunch spot for you. Does that seem difficult? If you feel comfortable, take it a step further to see how it feels to let go of control and see how you feel.

Learn to trust others. One of the most important things you can do is realize that other people are just as talented, intelligent, and hardworking as you are. Of course, it’s unfortunate that not everyone is like that. It’s understandable why you wouldn’t ask your messy little sister to clean the kitchen or your lazy friend to proofread your report—some people just aren’t helpful. But there are so many kind, helpful people out there, and if you want a happier life, you have to learn to trust them, trust that they can help, and let them make their own decisions.

• Think about this: if you’re always telling your boyfriend, your best friend, or your colleague exactly what they need to do, how will they feel? They’ll feel that you don’t trust them because you think they’re not as smart, cooperative, or wonderful as you. Is that how you want the people closest to you to feel?

Delegate. If you want to stop controlling everything, you have to learn how to delegate tasks to others. Gone are the days when you took everything on yourself, getting angry with others with a bossy face, always irritable—that’s the person you’ve become. Instead, learn to delegate tasks to others, whether it’s asking a colleague to help with a project or asking your friends to pick the food for a party you’re organizing. Once you start trusting others, you can ask for their help.

• Of course, you need to humble yourself to ask others for help, but you’ll get used to it. Everyone needs help from others, and you shouldn’t be the exception.

Listen and learn from others. Besides trusting others and sharing tasks with them, you should learn to actually learn from them. You might feel like you’re the only one with the knowledge to teach them, but if you truly listen to people, you’ll realize you’re mistaken. You’re not an expert in every area; there will always be someone who understands or has more experience than you in certain fields. Once you let go and are willing to listen, you’ll realize you have so much to learn.

• Don’t interrupt others. Let them finish what they have to say and take the time to think carefully before offering your own opinion.

Let people be themselves. While everyone has areas to improve, you need to stop trying to change everyone to suit your wants. Instead, you should try to let them be themselves, to behave as they wish, rather than forcing them to live and think the way you do. Of course, if your boyfriend does something that drives you crazy, you should talk about it, but you can’t expect him to become a completely different person—just as he can’t expect you to become someone else.

• Talking about areas to improve and helping others become better is one thing, but trying to change them into someone completely different is a whole other story.

Understand what you're jealous of. There are many reasons why you might try to control everything, one of which is jealousy. You may feel jealous if you never tell your best friend where you're going, and then, eventually, she ends up meeting other friends. You might feel jealousy if your boyfriend doesn't call you every hour, which makes you think he's with another girl. You need to learn to appreciate yourself and trust that others feel the same about you. If you have valid reasons for your jealousy, that’s one thing, but if you constantly doubt, you need to adopt a more logical mindset and view things more positively.

• Ask yourself why you feel jealous. Is it because of past betrayals or because you feel insecure about yourself?
• If you want a healthy relationship that brings mutual benefits, you need to eliminate those feelings of jealousy.

If what you're doing isn't helping in a particular situation, stop. It's true that control can be beneficial in many situations. If your child is misbehaving, you may need to impose discipline. If your boyfriend is always running late for work, you can remind him to set an alarm. But if controlling behavior clearly doesn't improve the situation, it might be time to stop. Recognize when it’s time to step in and learn when to stop controlling.

• For example, if you keep micromanaging your employees but it leads to resistance and decreased productivity, it's time to stop. If your best friend is feeling desperate after losing a job and you call her every day to check if she’s found a new one, but that just makes her more frustrated, then you should stop.

Share your struggles with friends. Talking to someone about your feelings can help you see your controlling behavior in a different light. When someone listens and supports your determination to change, it becomes easier to improve. If you try to handle things on your own, it’s harder to find the motivation to truly shift your mindset. The love and encouragement from friends will help you realize that change is possible and that things will gradually stabilize.

• You could meet with friends weekly to discuss your progress. Sharing your goals with someone makes you feel accountable and motivates you to make real changes.

Stop giving unsolicited advice. People who like to control often act as if they have all the answers and continuously “advise” others on everything, from how they should behave in relationships to what they should order for dinner. Your “advice” can often be a cover for control, and if you want to stop being so controlling, you need to avoid behaving this way. Only offer advice when it’s genuinely needed or when you believe you can truly help. Otherwise, refrain from giving unsolicited advice, especially if no one has asked for it.

• If you keep telling others that your “suggestions” are the best options, you’ll soon gain a reputation for being a “know-it-all.”

Stop planning every second of your day. Control-freaks often live by plans, plans, and more plans. They know exactly what time they wake up, how many teaspoons of sugar go into their morning coffee, when they get in the car for work, and what they will wear every day of the week. If you want to stop controlling everything, you need to learn to let go of this obsession with plans. Organizing everything helps you feel like you're on track, but allowing things to change and accepting that you can’t predict every moment of every day is equally important.

• Try being spontaneous. Enjoy a weekend without making plans in advance and just do whatever feels right. If you get an impromptu invitation for something fun, say yes.
• Even if you prefer having a set plan, make sure you have at least ten hours a week where nothing is scheduled. Gradually increase this to fifteen or even twenty hours. You'll relax and realize that everything will still be okay, even if you don’t know exactly what will happen.

Learn to go with the flow. People who like control tend to avoid losing control in the moment, steering clear of spontaneous trips or never doing something completely off-the-wall that they really want to do. They’ve made a plan and are determined to stick to it no matter what. It’s time to break these habits and embrace being yourself, hanging out with people without knowing what comes next.

• The next time you’re in a group, don’t speak up when it’s time to decide what to do. Let others take charge. You’ll see that it’s not as bad as you imagined!

Be flexible. If you want to be less controlling, you need to make space for flexibility in your plans. Things might come up unexpectedly, like your boyfriend needing to reschedule your date. Is that the end of the world? Maybe a meeting at work gets pushed to the afternoon, or your sister needs help babysitting and there's no one else to step in. Embrace life’s twists and turns and be flexible, so you won’t feel like everything is falling apart when things don’t go according to your plan.

• To truly be flexible, you need to realize that a few unplanned hours or last-minute changes won’t drastically affect your life. Once you accept this, you'll feel freer and more open to whatever happens.

• Remember that life is wonderful. Appreciate the gifts you have been given. You will feel less fearful of loss and less controlling when you adopt an attitude of gratitude.
• Life becomes sweeter when you allow it to unfold naturally. If someone pursues you and realizes they love you deeply, and you can’t resist, that’s an incredibly beautiful feeling! Learning to enjoy and love yourself is a marvelous journey in itself.
• Stand up for yourself. Don’t try to appear as if you’ve lost control, do it for your own sake. Trying to change someone’s mind is still a form of control. Accept that you cannot control any situation or other people, you can only control yourself.
• Talk to others about the challenges you are facing.